tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54777942012-02-16T13:06:15.716-07:00Some boring tidbits that I scribble down whenever I feel like it, usually when I'm on the verge of crying. Nothing much of interest here.Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.comBlogger6261100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-82892300784004023042007-10-17T18:22:00.000-06:002007-10-17T18:24:15.113-06:00

i'm writing because i have some important things to say to you that i want to make explicitly clear. i am finished with our friendship; i'm sorry, but it comes in exchange for those things in my life which i value far above any others--my husband and my children. i love them allen, and our friendship is hurting them in so many ways and on so many levels. i have hurt the only person that has ever

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-56292808483050688572007-06-30T05:30:00.000-06:002007-06-30T05:31:25.032-06:00

happiness is adderall jabbed in my thigh, a brief twinge and metallic feeling stuck inside you until a beautiful smile appears on my face. the happiness is intense, but the coming down is twice as worse as your brain and body slows. fatigue, depression and desperation, and the ability to feel absolutely nothing set in. coming down, i learned ultram holds the sadness at bay, as i plot and scheme

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-3505004151078834972007-05-18T02:19:00.000-06:002007-05-18T02:23:48.581-06:00

"I'm alive. it's a plus. to all the negatives. i abuse drugs, because it's just another way of abusing myself. i don't have anyone who cares for me or loves me that would abuse me, so I'd stay physically healthy. i don't feel right, if things are alright. it's a co dependent's way of living without a dependent, heh. i know what I'm doing everyday even if i don't acknowledge it. i get people to

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-25746790000226081122007-03-31T08:11:00.000-06:002007-03-31T08:14:02.199-06:00

[07:57] Lent Somnolence: introducing Flomax, the worlds first drug targeted to increase urinary output! feel confident again when in a public stall, don't feel unnecessary social pressure just because you used to dribble and would avoid public bathrooms. With Flomax once daily, you can urinate just like you did 30 years ago[07:58] Lent Somnolence: Remember the good times when you and the boys

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-70115579134131819492006-12-28T20:25:00.000-07:002006-12-28T20:26:11.032-07:00

[20:24] Lent Somnolence: you mean it's like that feeling where you aren't sure if you are having a heart attack or if you're having a nervous breakdown, or if the white noise in your ears and the slow motion in your eyes and the feeling in your heart means you're still heartbroken

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-9478621685398778702006-12-18T09:48:00.000-07:002006-12-18T09:51:30.460-07:00

no words inside my head. so here are borrowed ones. goodbye, farewell, drama and all, toss in a few blahs and half-assed tries, nights of crying, mornings of anxious waiting, obsessive dreams. people make me feel alive when i'm around them, right now i'm not alive. It's about time that I came clean with you...no longer fine. I'm no longer running smooth. I thought I found myself onto something

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-8815311748531990842006-12-08T14:08:00.000-07:002006-12-08T14:35:52.647-07:00

Babel - Pretty good film with converging stories and a multicultural cast for a change. I didn't know what the film was about so it was a nice surprise to watch it all unfold.Candy - Another heroin love drama rehash. It doesn't really add much to the stories other movies about the topic have other than having a less tragic ending than most. It follows two Aussie bohemians. One, a hopeless guy and

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-61447850434633395352006-12-07T00:49:00.000-07:002006-12-07T00:50:08.928-07:00

Franny where are you?

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-85320369472183853932006-12-05T00:30:00.000-07:002006-12-05T00:31:29.298-07:00

[00:26] Lent Somnolence: i only went to church a few sundays or so in elementary[00:27] Lent Somnolence: in high school i went to i think 2 or 3 sunday services, when i was baptist.. but i went to a lot of wednesday youth group, and most of the summer camps and ski trips[00:27] Lent Somnolence: i did the fun church things[00:27] Lent Somnolence: like watergun and water ballon fights[00:27] Lent

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-36252064540927494242006-11-20T18:37:00.000-07:002006-11-20T18:38:11.126-07:00

when you try, you become something else, trying is being their dream, it is false for yourself and false for them; we never think of it, that love and friendship comes without trying, but only lasting dreams come with only feelings

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-85886830335064701572006-11-20T18:33:00.000-07:002006-11-20T18:34:30.572-07:00

coming to terms with our weaknesses and secrets and admitting that we have them and they are our wolves in sheep's clothing is the only way to truly give yourself to someone, if that person can accept this wolf in sheep's clothing and if you can accept that wolf that other person has

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-88277302607957500922006-11-07T13:17:00.000-07:002006-11-07T13:21:41.946-07:00

Drunk dialing.Drunk blogging.There's no entry for drunk emailing yet, not so much as I do it while drunk, but far too often while inebriated. There's also me inebriated and chatting with people I shouldn't be.

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-28318031784186910112006-11-02T17:02:00.000-07:002006-11-02T17:04:46.930-07:00

Lent Somnolence: our lives are scripted from the days we are born, it's how we choose to act them out that makes us different. whether we are the star of the party, or whether we are the failure in the cornerLent Somnolence: we're given our script, cut, drawn, and plain. well read and unpracticed, however, and we go through each day either bold in our actions or fumbling in our lines. that's how

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-69757497242109852992006-11-02T16:48:00.001-07:002006-11-02T16:48:42.307-07:00

Lent Somnolence: you know this rash of insight i have lately? the source of my introspection and feelings? television drama. the modernization of talking to your best buddy about how you feel.Lent Somnolence: except now, you just listen, and they talk. and you get to think. not talk about. not discuss. not argue. just face your feelings.

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-83068638351838114982006-11-02T16:43:00.000-07:002006-11-02T16:48:04.775-07:00

Lent Somnolence: (paraphrased) Emotions are messy, tuck them neatly away and step into a clean sterile room where the procedure is simple. Cut, suture, and close. But sometimes you're faced with a cut that won't close. A cut that rips its stitches wide open. They say practice makes perfect. Cut, suture, and close. And the harder it begins to turn it off, to stop thinking and remember what it

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-47875901709237073832006-11-02T16:35:00.000-07:002006-11-02T16:49:40.133-07:00

Lent Somnolence: i knew a lady named star, who wore sparkly glasses and spangly bracelets, and was a bit odd.Lent Somnolence: she murdered someone with a heart that i knewLent Somnolence: backed over him with the family van in the drivewayLent Somnolence: drove over his body twiceLent Somnolence: went into the kitchen and called the police and waitedLent Somnolence: calmlyLent Somnolence: her

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-88523339038895718102006-11-02T16:17:00.000-07:002006-11-02T16:49:47.254-07:00

Lent Somnolence: there's a thing some people have called strength, some people call it being emotionally void, some people call it inner will, but i just call it something i don't have. some people call that being passionate about lifeLent Somnolence: i just call it making mistakes

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-23832150337418654572006-10-31T13:06:00.000-07:002006-11-02T16:50:04.630-07:00

Lent Somnolence: i'm only doing things to try to forget why i'm depressed and upset in the first place. denial, avoidance, and all that, to get past. meh. but, it works for millions of people everyday. ask anyone on the street. they'll deny it and you'll have confirmation :p

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-69258720227104840262006-10-31T12:44:00.000-07:002006-10-31T12:49:13.793-07:00

I blacked out last night. First time in a while that it has happened to me. I didn't take that much stuff, compared to what I used to do on a nightly basis. I have 6 or so unaccounted hours for that are a complete blank. I never did like blacking out, but I always woke up feeling kind of good and kind of dreadful, but chances were I did something amusing and unusual and at some point in the

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-4533763734160061612006-10-29T13:59:00.000-07:002006-10-29T14:07:44.417-07:00

There's a old ritual, repeated in different forms that dates back to Sumerian rituals. It's mostly known now as a kind of military tradition in the air force and navy, practiced in different ways. Crossing the line means a lot of things. Some of the way it is done now is an acceptance ritual, and for some, it's more of a religious promise. For example, drawing a line of salt between two groups of

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-17072647482187649312006-10-27T12:22:00.000-06:002006-10-27T12:26:33.352-06:00

there is this child, a young boy, that from the moment he saw me treated me like a father. i'm not used to that. i'm not used to children, and i'm not used to having such protective feelings for a kid in general. but the way he reached out and made me feel, it was kind of odd. i never felt like i'd be so protective and so caring, much less for someone i had just met a moment ago.i never felt like

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-24694520373936429062006-10-27T12:18:00.000-06:002006-10-27T12:20:58.643-06:00

it's a childish way to try to explain myself through the actions of others, but what am i doing with my life. i'm living in the moment. i'm living as that freshman in college, experiencing all that can happen, fully aware of all the hurt i'm putting myself through. fully aware that the more i hit myself with a hammer, the better i'll feel afterwards, because it's so damn good. the more hurt that

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1899170214173499722006-10-27T12:12:00.000-06:002006-10-27T12:13:36.661-06:00

maybe you used to be like me. who knows. maybe you can understand from that perspective. maybe you never were, and maybe that is why it's so painful.i hate pain. i hate causing pain. i hate that i do cause pain, in such vindictive ways. i do. it hurts me more than the other person to read what i write or say. i do it anyway. i'm sick of it, but change comes slow and it might not ever change.we

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-61230093988350814922006-10-27T02:35:00.000-06:002006-10-27T02:46:18.067-06:00

There's a few more places left in the world that I'd like to visit. I've gotten most of the far away places done at some point earlier, but I haven't had a grand old time stomping around elsewhere. Here's my list of the *necessary* places I need to visit.1. Australia & New Zealand. These are put together because I want to observe the speciation of offshore saltwater silversides into more brackish

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-56901633516395243872006-10-26T05:14:00.000-06:002006-10-26T05:19:22.770-06:00

letter to an undisclosed personit snowed tonight. not as much as they said it would, of course. but enough. more than it has the past few times. enough to call it a real snowstorm, with a few inches of snow hanging off the branches. not the shroud of white covering everything when you open your eyes and you don't know where the ground is because the sharp, cold air is making you high, and your

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-24112832763464748112006-10-25T11:28:00.000-06:002006-10-25T11:32:42.818-06:00

I feel sick. I went out once. I got a bug. That tells me I shouldn't ever go outside. lol. Wrapped up in blankets and drinking lots of water and enough vitamin C to feel positively fruity. At least I get a lot of sleep out of this. *yawn*

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-26622186754758808092006-10-24T15:10:00.000-06:002006-10-24T15:15:01.487-06:00

Saw the psychiatrist today.I asked to reduce my Xanax XR dosage, she said no. Surprise! I am being taken off Emsam, like I wanted to. I did, happily, get my Ambien CR doubled again, because of the severe lack of sleep I've been having on the MAOI. One week on the 6mg/24hr Emsam dosage, and then 2 weeks of washing out. No antidepressants. I'll also be doing a one week taper down from Lamictal

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-18302702279966170972006-10-24T01:05:00.000-06:002006-10-24T01:08:44.294-06:00

"Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop."Meridith"Sorry. Up late. Internet porn." House"Wow. It's a big jump from ‘Infidelity is wrong' to ‘Do her.'"HouseSadly, all three of these are particularly relevant right now,

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-90666965079882634672006-10-24T00:59:00.000-06:002006-10-24T01:02:51.314-06:00

[00:57] Lent Somnolence: you know i have 5 blogs, no one asked me i think, if i had others. and i have a paper journal[00:57] Lent Somnolence: so 6 journals.[00:59] Lent Somnolence: my life is the simplest people can have, but i have to make secrets in secrets to make this life a different life. so do i have 6 lives inside myself, or 6 liesIs it 6 lies or is it 6 lives? Or is it both? Lies that

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-44642956897575194692006-10-24T00:54:00.000-06:002006-10-24T00:56:25.120-06:00

[00:52] ***: well, then you have two options[00:53] ***: either be honest[00:53] ***: or don't tell people you have a blog[00:53] ***: then you can be free to be expressive about all the things you want to be expressive about in your blog[00:53] ***: or there is a third option[00:53] Lent Somnolence: no i can't take not lying. people think i do it easily, maybe those white lies that come out

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-6914690273162206522006-10-24T00:50:00.001-06:002006-10-24T00:50:47.215-06:00

[00:49] Lent Somnolence: i was so good at being expressive, at saying words that meant depression, loss, love, death, in ways that weren't one word answers that we've heard before

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-34742782691788783162006-10-24T00:23:00.000-06:002006-10-24T01:04:59.149-06:00

I did the begging thing, not once, but twice. I didn't get an answer the first time I asked *her, but the second time I asked they wrote back to me. Surprising, I didn't think I'd hear a single word from her ever again. I asked a silly question both times, just wanting to reminisce about things we used to do together and be able to forget together. I guess I wasn't that much of a fun kind of guy

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-28337915395287010772006-10-22T14:25:00.000-06:002006-10-22T14:28:47.486-06:00

So putting several Emsam patches on your body isn't a good idea. It makes you a little bit crazy. No blood pressure issues or anything else. I did get very, very oddly manic with a great deal of motivation and energy, but I was still in the same mood as I was before -- feeling awful. I also couldn't sleep at all, but I didn't have any feelings of being tired. I went 3 frantic days of no sleep,

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-855442621011002862006-10-18T10:30:00.000-06:002006-10-18T18:28:44.199-06:00

The View From the TopI could write a long similar article about reasons I had up and left virtual worlds like that. So I might as well, I'm on Adderall after all. Lets start from my own beginning of text-based BBS doors that one would play on a Bulletin Board System (BBS) usually running off of an a Amiga, Commodore, or PC clone and a single telephone line. At home, on my lowly Tandy PC that I

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-49658167780365355432006-10-18T06:57:00.000-06:002006-10-18T07:06:43.639-06:00

test: one 9mg/24hr Emsam patch, 5 6mg/24hr Emsam patchresult: posted later. time of intake 7AM.cause: have given up on life. am curious to effects. am not suicidal, but close.

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-44699274231763492872006-10-18T06:56:00.000-06:002006-10-18T07:06:29.340-06:00

test: 100mg xanax xr taken orally. 400mg cimetidine on intake, and 200mg cimetidine every 2 hours later for a total of 1800mg.result: 12+ hours of sleep. upon waking disorientation regarding location and time, mild confusion, slight lack of balance and noticable clumsiness.cause: wanted to sleep. wanted to hurt myself.

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-2931537068561516082006-10-14T15:37:00.000-06:002006-10-14T16:40:23.099-06:00

[15:29] Lent Somnolence: then why are we having this discussion, did you ask yourself that?[15:29] ***: because i'm sad[15:30] Lent Somnolence: some part of you wants help, or else you wouldn't admit to me what is going on[15:30] ***: i'm just sad[15:30] ***: i don't want help[15:30] ***: i just wanted another reason to cry[15:30] Lent Somnolence: i'm not going to give you reasons to cry. friends

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-27051717915437421662006-10-12T17:19:00.000-06:002006-10-14T16:43:13.957-06:00

my papa royal pleco was found dead today at 5:15 PM, judging from skin pallor, overall degeneration of the flesh i'd estimate it died 48 hours ago. both eyes were missing, meaning it was murdered. the aggression level has increased dramatically in the tank, although the former bonded mismatched pair of the texas cichlid and blood parrot is now gone after a successful spawning. the texas cichlid

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-55599029654565592742006-10-11T18:04:00.000-06:002006-10-14T16:43:22.486-06:00

first snowfall yesterday.freeze advisory today.i like to lie naked in the snow until i stop feeling. it makes the emotions go away, the thoughts that don't stop, and when i come inside it's one of those rare times when i have a clear head. it makes me feel alive.

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-21505243561923877232006-10-10T15:39:00.001-06:002006-10-14T16:43:35.794-06:00

[14:33] Lent Somnolence: it's like every morning you wake up and don't know if you're dying or if your pulse is racing because you're missing what you dreamed, or that nightmare you just had really is true, or you can still remember the physical sensation and the timelessness of the moment and realize that it's all gone, just in a blink of an eye

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-72255854574165087942006-10-08T17:13:00.000-06:002006-10-30T11:47:07.815-07:00

any WoW addicts want to team up with me this coming November? please say so, i don't want to have to resort to playing with my ex-gf for hours on end. if not, well it's back to nostalgia and just like how times used to be so many years ago -- like when we played AC for months, hours and hours on end, but i'd rather not have that. at least not with her as the constant companion.

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-10046061989508006412006-10-07T14:06:00.000-06:002006-10-07T14:08:44.998-06:00

i wish i could start over. i don't want to be 27. i don't want to know i've made the same mistakes over and over. i don't want to know that i feel the same now as i did last year, the year before that, and so on. i don't know if there are second chances in life when most days i can say i've already given up. what's the point in crying when i know i'll cry again the next day. what's the point in

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-29255979711880506422006-10-02T14:15:00.000-06:002006-10-02T14:23:56.635-06:00

birthdays suck all around. especially birthday's of people you thought you had forgotten, or at least buried deep enough in the past. yesterday i got an email from amazon reminding me that an old friend's birthday was coming up. nothing like a computer generated reminder make my mood come crashing down even more, when the birthday in question is jen's. i had one big ugh and that feeling that

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-25215599362800877242006-09-29T23:09:00.000-06:002006-09-29T23:20:16.846-06:00

saw the doctor yesterday, nothing much changed there. dropped another med (trying to drop everything, one a month). continuing the patches, went on the next higher dose, need to restrict the diet a bit more now and be more careful. i had one crisis a week prior to seeing the doctor, and probably should of went to the hospital for it. i was, mehhh, to scared to ask for help. scared to ask for help

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1159541943439849562006-09-29T08:56:00.000-06:002006-09-29T08:59:03.456-06:00

a hot air balloon landed in the front yard this morning. they are kind of like pests around here, but it made me remember the first time i can recall one landing. they had a really huge ballon, and were nice folks and gave us a bottle of champagne to excuse the landing.

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1159420118138897272006-09-27T23:08:00.000-06:002006-09-27T23:10:40.330-06:00

lonely

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1158375904142899472006-09-15T20:57:00.000-06:002006-09-15T21:05:04.160-06:00

Sometimes the people you think might not give you a straight answer, do, and it's a bit shocking. It actually hurts less, to be given an answer instead of being left to wonder what exactly did I do, what exactly am I doing wrong, what exactly am I not doing, or... or... any of the things our minds do when they go in circles. Allen, it's too hurtful to talk to you. No one has said that to me

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1158372027239551612006-09-15T19:48:00.000-06:002006-09-15T20:03:49.236-06:00

Still breathing, is about all I can say. I'm trying to think of words that would mean something more, but I guess that's all i can settle for.Sometimes people can't ever forget, what's worse is when two people can't forget. I've dwelled and dwelled on the past so much, that now that I look around, I see how many changes have occured in just one year, or two, or more. Where did all that time go, I

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1154748775596605102006-08-04T21:30:00.000-06:002006-08-04T21:32:55.606-06:00

[21:25] Lent Somnolence: i keep ending up, crying so hard each night. why do the lies people tell me keep on getting worse and worse, and why do the things i do wrong to them, whatever they are seem to get worse and worse. and why when i search myself and my heart and my soul for whatever i am doing wrong, i can't find anything, but i sure can find a big empty hole, black and dark and hurtful

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1153996177973966102006-07-27T04:29:00.000-06:002006-07-27T04:29:37.983-06:00

woke up to a storm this morning. the nightmares i've been having have been so real, i thought it was just my heart aching and stomach rumbling. took a walk outside to see what my body was telling me, but it's all thunder and lightning, and i couldn't tell if i was crying apart from the rain; i get so mixed up when i'm being pulled apart. shivering, and cold, shirt all well like you had me crying

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1153954414327329282006-07-26T16:20:00.000-06:002006-07-26T16:53:34.400-06:00

You know those people, those people who are great friends, who are there to make you laugh, to make you smile, to do whatever you might need? Well I'm one of those people, but I'm the worthless kind -- not worthless, but the kind that you damn well need a lot of patience for. Someone can come wrap up all that I have, feelings, emotions, and they are the focus of my life. That's a serious flaw,

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1153609948813385642006-07-22T17:08:00.000-06:002006-07-22T17:12:28.823-06:00

goodbye nicole. goodbye to this life, goodbye to myself, and goodbyeto what we were trying to have. we tried, but trying isn't enough --we all gain lessons, and that's the lesson you showed me. that lifeisn't good and that life isn't what we want to make it, that life iscruel and bitter, and kindness isn't appreciated in the long run, andone day, things can change in an instant. it's a cruel

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1153604903179833962006-07-22T15:34:00.000-06:002006-07-22T15:48:23.230-06:00

it hurts, to lose someone over a person they say they have disliked and not loved for years.is it a competition? some days it really felt like it. some days it felt like a juggling act. appease the monster you live with, or appease the person you say you love?i guess, you confused me far too much today. i called. i just wanted an answer, free and clear, without it being influenced by him.i

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1151263317269457572006-06-25T12:20:00.000-06:002006-06-25T13:21:57.336-06:00

i had a dream about you.is that non-specific enough, for whoever you are, person of the day to feel good about yourself? you can fill in the blanks with whatever you need today, it's mutual, all the names we call each other. there's not a word for abuse, you take what i give and get angry later, i take what you have, and say it wasn't enough. but chances are, next week we're doing the same, and

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1149034990491059582006-05-30T17:43:00.000-06:002006-05-30T18:23:10.660-06:00

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/2006-05-29-fight-club_x.htmThis is why I want to be hurt, and why I end up with some form of self-injury as a means to just keep on going, to keep on waking up the next day. I guess more and more males are coming to grips with that aspect of themselves, and finding a comfortable social outlet where they can express it, as violent of a way they need.From the

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1149032565719240482006-05-30T17:41:00.000-06:002006-05-30T17:42:45.733-06:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/05/30/health/psychology/30beha.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&oref=loginThanks, Heather, for the link."A few years back, one of my residents was treating a young man in psychotherapy who had great difficulty deciding what he wanted to do with his life.He wasn't depressed, but he was a very passive person.It became clear that the patient was using the treatment not to understand

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1142171580830076062006-03-12T06:42:00.000-07:002006-03-12T06:53:00.850-07:00

Starting today wasn't the best. Starting usually is where I screw things up. Waking up, starting out, remembering those dreams that you wish you would stop. Stop wishing, stop having, just stop. I'm no big loss, is what they say when they turn their face, or say it doesn't matter, or shrug slightly and shift the topic.I feel so empty lately, no reason inside to write, it's a tired story that

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1140468124915814522006-02-20T13:41:00.000-07:002006-02-20T13:42:04.926-07:00

i can't stop thinking, and my heart won't stop beating.it's just one more drink, i say.a few more pills won't hurt, i say.abuse makes things better; it's the most familiar feeling i know.lets hurt ourselves, allen, one more timeit makes other things hurt,and stills that persistent, beating heart,and slows those damn, flowing tears,and helps dull that paranoid mind.i can say, the clarity and

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1136508698313920352006-01-05T17:24:00.000-07:002006-01-05T17:51:38.400-07:00

[several pages of the initial email deleted for my own reasons]the remainder of an email I wrote today, after a very, very, difficult day. Addressed to Nicole, who is my world.you aren't the only one scared of someone leaving you, or used to that. I lived in constant fear of being left in my only relationship, my own stupidity deciding that an open relationship is morally (yeah grand-standing

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1135844891822251352005-12-29T01:18:00.000-07:002005-12-29T01:28:12.816-07:00

It's not like I should care, and I don't (and it's a lie). It's not like I should of peeked, and I didn't (and it's a lie). It's not like I care, and I don't (and it's a lie). It shouldn't bother me, I never treated her like anything except some foolish, dreamy person who had their heart in the wrong place and I just happened to be an easy, convientent person to it with, whenever they so felt

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1135513447971909112005-12-25T05:22:00.000-07:002005-12-25T05:24:07.983-07:00

Serial killers often share the same three characteristics in their childhood: they torture animals, they try to start fires and 60% of them:i. Continue to wet the bed after the age of 12ii. Stealiii. Commit acts of violence against their siblings

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1135503742503524382005-12-25T02:41:00.000-07:002005-12-25T02:42:22.520-07:00

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1135133261754622162005-12-20T19:40:00.000-07:002005-12-20T19:47:41.786-07:00

Feels like things won't ever change, will always be stuck in this, will always be moving in slow-motion and all the things I mean to do will come too late to matter.Haven't talked about meds in a while, because I stopped caring a whole lot and they just keep on failing. Don't know what the last thing about what I was on was. Was taken off the lithium for about 2 months, couldn't handle it, so

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1134396365673802432005-12-12T07:04:00.000-07:002005-12-12T07:06:05.686-07:00

I had a big long post about spoons, but then my computer crashed. So fuck it, I am sad that my several page dissertation on antiquated dry and liquid measurement systems is lost and I don't feel like writing again.The point WAS. I really depend on smidgen and pinch spoons in particular.I also said that I wish I had a digital scale to measure milligrams to 2nd decimal place accuracy, and a pound

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1134351648330114192005-12-11T18:38:00.000-07:002005-12-11T18:40:48.343-07:00

A little advice from a friend:1. If the girl is married she is not good girl friend material.2. If the girl is separated she is not good girl friend material.3. If the girl just got divorced she is not good girl friend material. (It takes a year to recover and find out what you want).4. If the girl is hosing everything with a pulse she is not good girl friend material.5. If the girl is

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1134197701332306912005-12-09T23:51:00.000-07:002005-12-09T23:55:01.346-07:00

I miss people.I'm too medicated or not medicated enough, or not snorting enough drugs daily, or I just have a hard time lying all the time to make anyone talk to me. Worthless days, worthless people, and worthless me. Heartache every morning that feels so bad I think it's heartburn, maybe it's both, burnt too many times, but the experience is too dangerous to stop from happening. I like the

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1131420598002181002005-11-07T20:27:00.000-07:002005-11-07T20:29:58.016-07:00

I haven't posted in forever, again. It's been a lot of nothing going on in my life, the same old depression taking up most of my energy and time. Medication isn't helping much, again, still mostly on the same regimin of things. Getting a testosterone shot in the ass every two weeks is the newest thing, and I start DBT therapy this Wed. That is going to be very scary. I receive a box of plecos,

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1129882391511889032005-10-21T02:12:00.000-06:002005-10-21T02:13:11.510-06:00

Well, I'm back and my computer is up and running this week. Hope it stays working for a bit longer than prior times...

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1128938397075680122005-10-10T03:59:00.000-06:002005-10-10T03:59:57.086-06:00

i cut my hair last night. i was waiting for you to come back from away, but i think you had fallen asleep. the last 3 times i cut my hair i tried to kill myself and ended up in the hospital. i don't really want to do that now, if i was going to do any hospital antics it would of been last night and i didn't have enough pills of the right kind to do anything to me except make me not sleep and

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1126077776847314572005-09-07T01:18:00.000-06:002005-09-07T01:22:57.553-06:00

I feel jilted, stilted, unserved and undeserved, mark me down as an 86. I don't feel that welcome anymore. I don't feel very "at home" online. It seems like everyone is doing their own thing, going to all tomorrow's parties, and I'm the one oblivious to the word, world, whatever. Everyone can keep on doing what they want and I'll just tiptoe, no forget that. I'll stomp like a child to the

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1125733697286461862005-09-03T01:42:00.000-06:002005-09-03T01:48:17.293-06:00

That you wish someone was around to talk to. Why does the world have to disappear at midnight? It feels like everything is dead, and I'm only a few pills and a swallow away from that. It was a normal night, until I got an email, I didn't really expect her to have that response, well maybe I did -- I have past history to rely on, but someone needs to get a grip, and for once it isn't me.

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1125396436725603552005-08-30T03:55:00.000-06:002005-08-30T04:07:16.730-06:00

Bleary-eyed post for anyone looking.Session 165 was found Aug. 29 on the Summer Glau fanpage, for anyone that is following the session excerpts. Watch them in released order, not numbered order! This one is making me cry, but I'm pretty prone to crying when I can't sleep and when I'm lonely and depressed. I love all this pre-release viral marketing, whether or not 'viral marketing' sounds

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1125291910166149442005-08-28T22:55:00.000-06:002005-08-28T23:05:10.173-06:00

I wanted to write a detailed review of The Island, but right now I'm typing on my backup keyboard. I spilt water on the other keyboard and it's out of comission, every few times I hit the shift key when I was using it my computer would go into sleep mode, which was really annoying when I'm trying to talk to people online. So I'm typing slowly on trusty waterproof, roll-up and bring with you

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1125101634312837862005-08-26T18:03:00.000-06:002005-08-26T18:13:54.320-06:00

So, I have this crazy plan that I am going to make happen somehow. I want to fly to NH to visit N. and hang out and "sleep with in a good way" (teehee), and then somehow, get down to Philly, as my patron who is going to be funding me with money wants to really, really visit me, and I think I should visit her for a bit and just give her a hug and say thank you for, well, forcing money on me I

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1125035601061270132005-08-25T23:45:00.000-06:002005-08-25T23:53:21.066-06:00

Paul Probo has released Session 22 on the Summer Glau website (currently experiencing difficulty). Watching it is heart-breaking. Watch them in what has been released order to properly appreciate the sessions. Session 416 originally appearing on iFilm, Session 22 reportedly appeared on Limewire and later emailed directly to a fansite by Josh Dowses, and Session 22 found on the Summer Glau page

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1124961102006203262005-08-25T03:04:00.000-06:002005-08-25T03:11:42.013-06:00

I'm missing and it feels like tomorrow, but I think it's that talk with a person I wish I had seen today. I keep missing things, and I don't want to feel like I've lost those things I could of had, but I am scared of the pretty things that I make into somethings, when they really shouldn't be that for me, just something else, something still good, but not another one of my somethings. I miss

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1124925457311881972005-08-24T17:12:00.000-06:002005-08-24T17:17:37.316-06:00

I haven't been able to uncover much. I believe "Paul Probo" is a pseudonym for an actor, or unknown character at this time, as of now, they are posting on the Summer Glau pages in what appears to be an official capacity. Probo, when accented and translated from spanish, means "proves", leading us to Paul Proves. I cannot think of any series tie-ins with a character named Paul, but I am going to

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1124922480179740112005-08-24T16:19:00.000-06:002005-08-24T16:28:00.186-06:00

I love a bit of intrigue and mystery.On iFilm, a clip called "Session 416" has appeared, iFilm claims that it first appeared on an unspecified filesharing network. It appears to be an interview session with the incarcerated/captive River Tam from the Firefly TV Series and the upcoming movie Serenity. In various Firefly related message boards (starting around Aug. 23rd) a "John Dowses" began

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1124788413893844542005-08-23T03:08:00.000-06:002005-08-23T03:13:33.900-06:00

My plans for Sept., aren't working out. I didn't expect that they would, but it's still a bit saddening. Who knows when I'll see them again, if ever? Oh well. I am trying to decide where to go now, and who in the world would want to see me and spend some time with me. I want to visit N.D., but with her SIL there, that wouldn't work too well I think. So... I'm hoping she leaves sometime soon

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1124519286138497482005-08-20T00:09:00.000-06:002005-08-20T00:28:06.146-06:00

I wish there was more resources in the states to access current and classical Bollywood films. I'm really loving the sound of mixed Urdu and Hindi, and trying to learn it all emeshed is such a great challenge. You don't need to understand any of it to get any of the films, the plot is pretty much the same, except with different characters. It's always a love story, and there always break-out

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1123900003414794962005-08-12T20:23:00.000-06:002005-08-12T20:26:43.423-06:00

My computer is now fixed, but I don't think many people knew it wasn't working for a bit. Well around $800 in 'spare parts', (in reality I re-built the computer from ground up, because, well I have no good reason other than I like to make and break things). So things are working tenatively, until I break something again.The Indian represenative for making sure this isn't a pirated copy (it kind

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1123872301821631132005-08-12T12:44:00.000-06:002005-08-12T12:45:01.826-06:00

This is today, and it's the last day of my new life.

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1123605344004824092005-08-09T10:35:00.000-06:002005-08-09T10:35:44.006-06:00

[10:34] Lent Somnolence: self-hatred, darling, hold my hand, and i'll jerk off with my other one and smile, for no one is an asshole like me

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1123605065774910152005-08-09T10:28:00.000-06:002005-08-09T10:31:05.783-06:00

[10:25] Lent Somnolence: i can't find a fucking band that can consistently make me ache and do those tears that have me vocally moaning[10:25] Lent Somnolence: where's the symphony, i have my instrument, the little drummer boy[10:26] Lent Somnolence: i listen to all the bands on music.download.com, all the emo, all the indie. anything i think might be sad, but nothing has touched my heart

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1123602665305815302005-08-09T09:49:00.000-06:002005-08-09T09:51:05.313-06:00

[09:43] ***: well, from what you say, it all seems to be giving you at least a little improvement[09:44] Lent Somnolence: it seems so. but i am crashing now[09:44] Lent Somnolence: like i always do... today, and maybe 2 - 4 days. it's been steadily down[09:44] Lent Somnolence: today cried twice and couldn't stop, that's when i know it's bad again[09:45] ***: *hug* i'm sorry[09:45] Lent

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1122431425160864902005-07-26T20:28:00.000-06:002005-07-26T20:30:25.173-06:00

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5600591477&category=1469&rd=1This auction will disappear inevitably even if eBay doesn't take it down, so I've copied the text of the auction for preservation.PLEASE WATCH THIS ITEM CLICK HERE TO WATCH THIS AUCTION WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING AT IS THE NEWEST KIT OUT DESIGNED FOR KILLING VAMPIRES. THIS KIT WAS MADE TO BRING OLD STYLE INTO THE 21ST

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1122163446080737032005-07-23T16:25:00.000-06:002005-07-23T18:21:49.113-06:00

Britain Says Man Killed by Police Had No Tie to BombingsLONDON, July 23 - Scotland Yard admitted Saturday that a man police officers chased and shot to death at point-blank range in front of horrified subway passengers on Friday had nothing to do with the investigation into the bombing attacks here.Everyone is on edge with the recent surge of terrorist activity in London, a previously untouched

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1121976810128783592005-07-21T13:17:00.000-06:002005-07-21T16:17:01.513-06:00

The Outrage StartsLet me start with the open letter to the FDA to reject the premarket approval (PMA) for Vagus Nerve Stimulation use in depression. This was dated May 11, 2005 and contained quite a bit of information that shows a severe and questionable lack of data on the device, in particular the safety and efficacy of the device has not been tested. In addition, the only randomized trial

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1121844243699245072005-07-20T01:22:00.000-06:002005-07-20T01:29:18.553-06:00

Navy got me on here, it's sort of an interesting mix of social networking focused on the GBLT community and events important to them, such as making sure they are registered to vote along with the normal networking theme of meeting new people for friendships or whatever is your fancy, or just simple messaging on there, or forming specific groups for specific purposes. I myself have formed the

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1121584244441576652005-07-17T00:52:00.000-06:002005-07-17T01:10:44.456-06:00

Cry me a tear for those empty moments, these long hours during the night when the words seperation and distance take on another meaning. The more you reach out, the more you feel swallowed by the voices and static around you. The more you try, the harder you close your eyes and try to stop the welling of feeling that's growing inside you. That bitter and pungent plant, rooty tendrils entwined

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1121569028526871992005-07-16T20:56:00.000-06:002005-07-16T20:57:08.533-06:00

I heart huckabees too!

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1121383686439289162005-07-14T17:19:00.000-06:002005-07-14T17:28:06.460-06:00

So, today I went to get one of my dermabrasions. The person who does them, Debbie, was really amused by my shirt and it reminded her of the movie (keep in mind she's 40 something if I had to guess), and kept complaining about her son who is my age always acts like that and does it all the time on the phone. lol. This is going on while she's happily sucking my face away and grinding it down and

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1121331212406142592005-07-14T02:48:00.000-06:002005-07-14T02:53:32.413-06:00

Things at the psychiatrist went well. She wanted to put me on Parnate, but was pretty iffy about the idea, due to the problems that it would cause. Having to come off Effexor XR completely and be off of it for two weeks before I could start taking Parnate. Parnate is also a 3 times a day pill, and I'm bad at remembering the middle dose and that's kind of important with this medication. We opted

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1121226282230804812005-07-12T21:23:00.000-06:002005-07-12T21:44:42.250-06:00

So I get back from the psychiatrist and go to drop off the new prescriptions and they don't believe me that they are real ones! They called the doctor, who will hopefully call by tomorrow and tell them what fucking idiots they are. They look like any other prescriptions that I've gotten all the time. I think they are just perturbed that someone as fucked up as me needs so many pills, or maybe

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1121071780807267572005-07-11T02:33:00.000-06:002005-07-11T02:49:40.816-06:00

you, well... you know.Feeling worse and worse it feels like each day. My head keeps running in circles, and it doesn't feel too well. I keep spending more and more time isolating myself. When I feel the most alone I just want to run and hide. I give a lot of credit to myself for not numbing it out. The tears are back. No crying spells, I have those slow tears that I don't notice until they

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1120677833090093332005-07-06T13:21:00.000-06:002005-07-06T13:23:53.096-06:00

Feeling very down today. Keep being stuck in the past when I want to move on. Want to stay in bed all day and that's what I've been doing most days. Where did the last 8 or so months go?

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1120514092371937772005-07-04T15:49:00.000-06:002005-07-04T15:59:31.780-06:00

her freckled face tells a beautiful lie when she blushes.come off that pedestal and give me a charming lie and i'll lie to you just as sweet.

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1119012092364237312005-06-17T06:33:00.000-06:002005-06-17T06:41:32.380-06:00

Again, she's over there. Self-induced misery, for whatever reason. I'm not a part of that life, and have been gone for months. Why make a phone call out of no where just to say hi, and catch up on things? How awkward of me and how, well, it was good intentioned, but what was the point? When someone doesn't want your help, advice, good-will or whatever, then all I've turned into is their

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1119001307582123502005-06-17T03:25:00.000-06:002005-06-17T03:41:47.593-06:00

I'm afraid of the things I manage to gain. What is this loss that seems to happen, whenever something slightly good happens? I'm sorry I'm not the most perfect friend, associate, or person of the moment. I forget things. I forget people. I forget possible futures. I can't explain why, other than maybe things have changed enough that a rare moment of clarity lets me see a different path, a

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5477794.post-1117265314796598882005-05-28T01:27:00.000-06:002005-05-28T01:28:34.803-06:00

Sometimes, it feels like she's standing over there, and if i reach out, i can almost touch that essence, but distance is such an effective wall. so all i can do is line our fingers up and hope a blown kiss can make it where words can't.

Lent Somnolencenoreply@blogger.com0