Some test.

Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results Warmth |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86% Intellect |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Emotional Stability |||||||||||||||||| 58% Aggressiveness ||||||||||||||| 42% Liveliness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Dutifulness |||||||||||| 38% Social Assertiveness ||||||||||||||| 46% Sensitivity |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86% Paranoia ||||||||| 22% Abstractness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Introversion |||||||||||||||||| 54% Anxiety |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Openmindedness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Independence |||||||||||||||||| 58% Perfectionism ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Tension ||||||||||||||| 46%

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One more day.

It feels like forever since I last wrote anything. I haven't had any mental energy and really don't have any yet now. I really need to call my psychiatrist (more like 2 weeks ago or objected to her moving me to every 6 weeks), and get my medication sorted out. I have had any klonopin for a long time. I don't know how long. Maybe a month. It's really effected my ability to cope and deal with things and my anxiety has been the highest it's every been in a long time. Stomach is nervous all the time now. Sleep is difficult even on sleeping pills. I'm anxious about every little detail and am trying to be strong and just keep on moving. I feel so sluggish, my mind is slow, my body is exhausted and I can't take the naps that I have been taking because my anxiety is higher and I can't relax. It's also effecting my depression a lot, it works as a very effective mood stabilizer, and without it I've been sliding back and back and back. I've been crying off and on for (a couple months?) when I'm alone. I see my therapist tomorrow and I don't really want to go, but I know the visit out of the house will help me and I'll get to talk about whatever is on my mind and it will be good.
I feel like I've ruined the friendship, trust, and caring of a person who's been there for me for months, and it's not a good feeling. I needed to express how I felt and make it more clear, but I've never been good at being so forthright and it felt downright forceful. It was probably as forceful at I think it was, but I needed to get my *own* feelings across for once in my life and take care of myself before I started to cope by taking things out on myself (which I had already started to do in some not very good ways).
I feel happy with the feelings I'm having towards someone I met (online), and they have been supportive and helpful in a different way than my best friend (that I worry for a lot). I don't know if that is what attracted to me her, but I'm living in the euphoric rush of feeling. I'm trying to learn to be independant, but I'm the last person in the world to ever learn this skill.

.

I feel like I kill everything, but regret that I've failed to kill myself.

Giraffe with a big tongue 

Orchid 

Orchid 

Orchid 

Back home.

Well I've been home for a few days. Adjusting is hard. Being around these people is difficult. I'm silent and silenced again. My feelings are meaningless again.

I was in Erie, PA for 10 days. It snowed everyday. It was a lot of fun still. I liked the cold air and the way it tingled in my lungs. Seeing the lake frozen over and the ice fisherman on it was a weird experience. I haven't seen anything like that before.

I wanted to write more, but my brain doesn't feel like much right now. There's rising and sinking feelings of depression and my body is all mixed up.