Stefanie is still out there, thank god. She's in Knoxville somewhere now. She called Alex's mom about a week ago, but I don't know what she said or if she's doing well. I hope she's doing well. When I last talked to her things were going really bad for her. I miss her terribly and I wrote her a very sweet letter about a week ago.
I miss her.

Things with Chris seem to be really screwed up. I don't feel any compassion from her or the least bit of understanding. All I feel from her is anger at me that I'm depressed and can't get over it. I don't like that. At the same time I like her, I think because I clutched onto her, because she was reliable in when she should be on and I knew that I could count on her for at least one thing - being there. Even if it wasn't being there in the sense that I needed. I don't know what's really going to happen now. Some kind of fight is going on, where I say a lot of things and she doesn't really respond to much of it. I assume the end result will be me continuing to talk to her, under the condition that I'm not negative about myself or things. It feels like a lot of rules just to have a friend. So I think this relationships is going to disintegrate like other ones I've had, especially the one with Erin. Where she claims to still really like me and miss me, but still can't deal with me. No one can deal with me it seems. I hate being this way, but damnit, it isn't my fault at all that I'm like this. Sorry that I can't be good enough for you Chris. Sorry that I can't be good enough for you Erin. Sorry that I wasn't good enough for you Jen. Sorry to everyone I've let down, and sorry to all the other people I will continue to let down.

There is a nice frosting of snow covering everything outside. It's very pretty and a nice start to Halloween, even if I am not doing anything at all. I wish I had friends and something to do. Megan keeps wanting to visit me, maybe I'll get some courage and cave in and let her hang out with me. I just don't want to meet all of her friends, which she keeps talking about. That's much too scary for me.
I wonder if I'm going to be a loner forever.

I've been sleeping so much yesterday, last night, and today. I feel so lethargic and sleep feels so good. I shouldn't of done what I did, but now I'm dealing with the consequences. At least I don't feel sick and dizzy, just unreasonably tired.

Well, I feel absolutely horrid this morning. Groggy and that bad hung over feeling. I don't really want to discuss the why of it. It makes me feel weak and stupid and I've had enough of feeling that. Time to stop letting people bother me.
It's a hideous pallid yellow color outside today. I wonder if the fires are still burning, probably I'd assume, as the sky is much worse than yesterday. At least the smell of smoke isn't permeating everywhere.
I wonder what I'll do today. I guess I'll go take a shower in a little bit, in the dark, and perhaps cry a little before I start this day out. I'm not feeling very positive it feels like.

Let us put our heads down and be gloomy around you.
You are one morbid, perhaps depressing
character. Your dark mind causes you to talk
about things of the same subject. Others
(myself included) may not mind your talk and
find it interesting to talk to you since death
is just a natural thing. Yes, death fascinates
you, but there is no need to keep bringing it
upon people about their own demise. You may see
life as just a phase we go through before we
die. You may even think of what your funeral
will be like. You are not a depressed person,
although that's a possibility. But yeah, you
could be an outsider and have your own strange
friends. Happy Halloween though, Bleak One.


What Halloween Figure Are You? (Fun Quiz! MANY RESULTS!)
brought to you by Quizilla

I thought I was being careful and in control of myself and what was going on, but that's pretty far from the truth I realize. No matter how many precautions I take, things don't end up how I plan for it. Even still, I thought there would be sympathy.

Life is starting to feel like a pointless game again. The itch to escape it has really bothered me tonight, but I'll keep plodding on for a few more days, a week, a month. I don't know. I was feeling better for a while, but now I'm stuck in a rut again.

I'm kind of worried about Chris. She disappeared last night without saying goodbye and that isn't like her. I assume she probably just got disconnected and couldn't get back online, but I'm still worried. I hope I see her again tonight. I want to make sure she's doing okay.

I stayed up last night to try catch the aurora borealis, but I had no such luck. I didn't see anything at all. There's still a chance that I might see something during the early evening here, so I'll be on the lookout. I really hope I see something, as I've never seen it before and all the pictures of it are all so pretty. I have my camera ready too.

I talked to a couple of interesting people online last night that live in Colorado. Well one of them is interesting, the other person is alright. So maybe I'll have a friend sometime, whenever I get over my shyness and depression. If it will ever end.

I have online back again. It's really good, because I missed checking my email and talking to Chris. I hope she's on tonight, but I think she's working late, so I probalby won't be able to talk very much, but it's better than nothing. I miss her.

Another day has passed. I think I must upset Chris or something when I try to leave. I always end up feeling guilty and staying. I don't know why I feel guilty and she says she doesn't feel bad, so I guess everything is alright. I do like staying, I guess I'm just a little agitated after 2 or 3 hours and feel the need to do something else. I wasn't like that before, I could chat for 12 hours without needed a break or anything. Sometimes my body and mind feels like a completely different person and I'm not at all used to being in this "new" skin.

I think I double dosed today, but I don't know. I checked those little pill containers that have the letter of the day on them and noticed that last night's was still there. I swore I had taken it, but I took it this morning just in case. It's kind of strange and funny that one of the very first (possibly the first?) antidepressents from way back in the 40's and 50's works on me better than all those newer ones. I wish my anxiety would go away fully, however. I wish they would understand that it's always going to be there without a potent benzodiazapine to stop it. I hope the GABA like effects of Neurotin works as well as a benzo. At least it's something new that I've never tried and I've tried a great many things to try to control my anxiety.

I really wish I had something to do on Halloween and a friend to spend it with. It's one of those holidays that I actually like that doesn't involve family gatherings. I really dislike Thanksgiving and Christmas, because of all the requisite parties and family gatherings that you have to attend. Smiling like you know everyone and that you're happy to be there, when in reality everyone would just rather be someone else and they are drinking so they can pretend better.

Oh well. I need some new music to listen to. Maybe I can convince my mother to give me some money so I can get a couple CDs. Listening to Bright Eyes all day just makes me sad, which is good, but I need something else that doesn't make me quite as depressed but goes well with my current mood.

My two baby rats are 9 days old. Yay. They should be ready to go home in three weeks, but am waiting on another litter which should be born anytime. So maybe four or five weeks hopefully I can bring them home.
Here's a picture of the dumbo males from the litter:


The blue capped male and the siamese are mine. I'm hoping the other litter produces an agouti, mink, or something else neat.

I'm starting to feel better, no crying spells at all and I kind of tried to make myself cry by thinking about things that have been making me cry and I just felt sad. No tears. Which is a good improvement, but I'm still very dready and depressed.

I think my depression is slowly starting to ease up on this new medication. I still have 2 more nights before I get to increase it to 100mg, and I stay on that amount until I see the psychiatrist again and see how it's working. I'll probably end up adding some Paxil CR to it too. I want to ask her if she'll increase my Klonopin dosage to 1mg twice daily, but she probably won't, so I'll try out Neurontin. It costs probably $200 a month, but I don't care. If I have to continue to be in therapy just to live here for free, then they can continue to pay very expensive medication costs.

I talked to Chris for quite a while last night. It's only the second night of talking to each other, but for whatever reason it's really easy to talk to her, and she makes me feel better without me realizing it. I think it's sort of obvious that we might both like each other, but I don't want to say anything, especially after only 2 days. It feels very Jenish, in regards to how I feel inside and how I'm treating the situation (not saying anything about my current feelings, but being fairly obvious, etc.), which I'm sort of resentful of as it makes me remember things that I just need to forget. At the same time it also feels good. Sigh.

I've made a new friend online, Chris, who I think is pretty good to talk to. She doesn't say a lot, but she puts up with me so far, which is pretty impressive as I'm not much to talk to - especially in this state of mind.
I hope the friendship continues, even though she lives far away in Ohio. I'm tired of people people in real life and having them not live up to expectations, either me or them.

People have actually written back to me, but I don't have any energy to say anything. I'm stupid.

I can't remember when I have cried so deeply as I am crying now. The memory of the past, of all the good things that happened with Jen, all of it keeps coming back to me no matter how much I want it to go away because it makes me cry that I ruined the best thing in my life and made it hate and despise me all because I was lying and deceitful. I've gone from the being rescued by Jen to the highest point in my life, the happiest, brightest times, to the utter lowest and darkest depression that I've been in. I cannot make friends, I have perhaps two or three friends online that I don't see very often and I very much need someone in real life to hug me.
I hate myself and if I still had the energy I'd be trying to kill myself even though I know it means I'll probably end up in a mental ward again. I'd do anything to rid myself of this pain and I mean it. I wish I could ask for forgiveness, but I know that is too cruel of a thing of me to ask and I know it wouldn't be given and isn't deserved. I just need to keep pushing it out of my mind and stay focused on the present and the future, even if I will be spending ages in this depression before I get out of it.

Yesterday wasn't that great of a day. I spent the day with Tami who I had met from online, but didn't really spend a whole lot of time with her because my anxiety was terrible and I just couldn't relax. She was busy hugging me, biting me, etc., and I sort of didn't care. I guess. It felt good, somewhat, but I came home and just took a shower and layed in bed feeling very sick. I wonder if people make me sick. I think it's just the anxiety and new medication, probably, and not her. It's 8:30am and I've been pretty much awake off and on all night, but I layed in bed after I came off the computer.
I keep almost breaking into tears, but I make myself stop. I don't want to cry or do any of this, but I can't make myself stop it seems. Yesterday I came very close to hurting myself again. I think today I won't be able to stop. I already feel myself breaking down. I'm drinking some $22 wine hoping it'll calm me down, but most likely it'll just give me enough courage to overcome my own willpower and cut again. My camera doesn't have batteries which has been pretty good incentive to stop me from cutting, as I like to keep a visual record of what I'm doing to myself, for posterity, and if I don't make it through this depression at least there will be some record somewhat other than what my parents say, or the psychiatrist or psychologist (but they can't disclose information to anyone except unless court ordered) and this very brief journal that I haven't written in nearly enough.
I need to write more. Cry more. Hurt more.

Just amusing that the ad at the top of my page is for Rasputina and Depression for Girls.

Poppies in July

Little poppies, little hell flames,
Do you do no harm?

You flicker. I cannot touch you.
I put my hands among the flames. Nothing burns.

And it exhausts me to watch you
Flickering like that, wrinkly and clear read, like the skin
of a mouth.

A mouth just bloodied.
Little bloody skirts!

There are fumes that I cannot touch.
Where are your opiates, your nauseous capsules?

If I could bleed, or sleep!------
If my mouth could marry a hurt like that!

Or your liquors seep to me, in this glass capsule,
Dulling and stilling.

But colourless. Colourless.

-Sylvia Plath

I feel like I should post something new. Well I hit a car and I have a 12 pt. ticket which means I will lose my license in Dec. It's doubtful that I will be able to see Jade before then. Which is depressing. I've started cutting a lot now. I do tramadol almost every night now to help forget the memories or make them happy so I can still live in them.

I wish I lived in a memory, a memory that is forever gone.

Stef wrote back to me today. That was a big surprise. She wants to start things up again, and I think I want to to. I can't respond to her as her damn yahoo mailbox is full and I keep trying to send a short letter telling her to delete some stuff. I don't know how else to contact her as I don't know her online names now or her phone # to reach her at. It's frustrating.

I want to get messed up on tramadol and cry/feel about her, which I think I'm going to do. I loaded up on the antihistamines and loaded on the creatine so the opiates will have a bigger boost on me. I need more than 300 really but that's the most they will give me.

Ugh. Well time to go ask again.

Jade isn't on again. I called her cell phone and left a message real fast so hopefully she'll get it and she isn't doing anything tonight. I could use a friend to talk to. Maybe Tami will come on tonight. Or someone. Someone to talk to, anyone, someone that cares just a little.