(describing my grossness) lol.

Lent Somnolence: i look like a stoned, unshaven, mexican bandito in pajamas
Lent Somnolence: its kind of sexy in a masculine way
Provoking Puppet: eww

Just an update...

Yes, I'm still awake, but that's not really unusual. It's only 4am. I feel lonely and wish I could be held.
I made it through tonight (so far) and I think I'll be okay until I fall asleep in 2 or 3 hours, or however long it takes me. Maybe I won't fall asleep tonight, because of how I feel. But I should be fine.
I ended up doing a little cutting. Which sucks. I have been able to go without doing that for almost a month probably. I haven't really been keeping track though. It's not like I'm worried about it very much, it's just a disgraceful way of coping with things and letting me regain control of my emotions. It's always been a substitute for drug abuse, and before I knew about drugs it was my way of coping when things got really terrible.

I wish it was tonight and I had already gone to bed and woken up. I've been off and on AIM for several hours now and no one is online to talk to. Which is how it always is late at night. I could call Stacie and leave a message, but I don't want to do that, I feel silly now that I'm pretty much okay and I'm lonely. If I got in the habit of calling whenever I felt alone I'd be on the phone constantly. I could call and wake up Jen and her entire house, which would also be awful. I don't really know what to say anyway. I just want to hear someone's voice most of all. Sometimes that's all I need. Hearing someone's voice while I try to talk and my voice is cracking because I'm crying. It doesn't matter what I say or what they say, as long as I can hear concern in their voice. I feel like a pity whore sometimes. I don't mean to be. I just need it.

Oh well. I'm doing okay, all things considered. I just wanted to post this so no one would worry about me, after how my last entry was.

*hug*

I had a really wonderful and fun night staying up talking to a friend. It's one of the best nights I've had in a long time. Yesterday night was one of those nights too.

You'd think I'd be feeling great right now, but I don't. I feel awful, my depression came over me really bad in the past hour. I don't know why either. I felt bad this morning too, but it eventually lessened. Now it's back and worse. I had to fight myself to not go and take anything - I feel that awful. I want to stop feeling this way. I feel hopeless right now. There's nothing very wrong going on in my life - so isn't this stupid? I'm impatient and pulled out a leftover bottle of Desipramine (an antidepressant I've been on before) and took one tonight. I've taken it before twice with Paxil the first time and Lexapro the second. It usually takes effect in two or three days and makes me feel a little better, so that's why I took it tonight. Not like it will help me right now, but maybe when I wake up I'll be doing a little better and I'll continue to take it until I see the Dr.

I just want to cry or cut or anything. Maybe that's my problem, I feel like doing one of these things but I can't seem to cry and I can't seem to work up the effort to cut. It's always easier for me to get drugged when I'm like this, as I don't have to decide, I just let the euphoria happen to me and let it wash away my worries and doubts and all the blackness in my mind.

I just want to be held. I don't know what it's like anymore to feel cared about or loved or important. People tell me they feel things like this towards me, but I don't know what it means. I want to feel warm and safe. I don't know when the last time was that I felt that way. It's been years since someone has simply head me and told me everything was going to be okay.

*Cry* I really want to get fucked up. It's been two weeks and I can't believe this is happening. I think I can hold off until the morning. I feel so weak for even thinking about it.

It's been two weeks since I've taken any Ultram. I feel good. I honestly didn't think I was going to make it this far. I thought I would of gone 2 days, maybe 3 if I was lucky. I could say it was my self will, but I know that was only a small part. My own will isn't much of anything. Without the support of a new friend that I met at around the same time I decided to try to stop again, I wouldn't of been able to make it this far. She's the most supportive and kind person I've ever met. I feel very lucky to know her and to be a recipient of her kindness.

My depression problems are still here. It's not as bad as it was two weeks ago where I was having a breakdown everyday and crying uncontrollably. I still feel awful and I still feel lonely and I still want to feel cared about and loved. Sigh. I should have a Dr. appointment sometime this coming week, so I can get on other medication and hopefully fix the side effects I'm having now.

It's been more than a year since Tysha died from a drug overdose. As friends go, we weren't that close, but the amount of self sacrifice she would go through to help me was amazing. There was never nothing I could ask that wasn't too much.

Taking drugs isn't a denial of life, it's a speeding up of life. It lets you bypass all those needless bad times and intensifies all the good times that happened. Everyone I know that's lived a life of addiction has lived a full and complete life in their brief 20 or 30 years of existence. I wish these people weren't gone. I wish they were still here with me. I miss all of them.

My decision to slow down the pace of my life and take things one at a time is a hard one. I don't know if I can stick to it. A quoted figure for addicts that want to recover is a 10% lifetime success rate. It isn't a good figure. I know from personal experience how easy and how glad I am to slip back into the old pattern. I hope I don't, but there's always another try if I do.

I miss all these people that lived and are living happy and good lives.

Tysha - deceased
John - deceased
James - deceased
Erin - alcoholic and vicodin addict
Jade - cocaine and ambien addict
Tonja - recovering alcoholic
Aaron - recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict
Allen - recovering ultram and benzodiazepine addict
Jen - recovering Ultram addict ?
Diana - recovered ?

My friend, Sarah, had her surgery today for cervical cancer. I think she had her cervice completley removed and most of her uterus. I don't think she can have children anymore which is really depressing. When I had first met her she was very down and having a lot of personal problems, but I helped her through that and helped her and her bf get along and they were thinking of having another kid. But then along this comes and now the chance for having a kid is gone. I feel upset about it. I know how much she wanted another child. :(
I hope the surgery went well. I didn't hear from her today and Angela was supposed to get in touch with me to let me know what was going on, I haven't heard from her. I'm not that worried since it wasn't a big deal, but I would like to know how it went and be able to give her my good feelings.
Sigh.

I was talking to my friend Jade that I've known for a year or so, something like that. She's depressed from her jerk ex-bf that she still cares about and still hangs out with. We were both saying how we need to leave the people we obsess on and hang out and have meaningless sex just to help us forget. lol. It's funny, but I wouldn't do that.

Anyway. I've been sad lately. But in the scheme of things, I've been drug free for a Long Time (for me), so it's a reason to be happy. It makes me proud. I couldn't of done it without the help of a new wonderful friend, Stacie. She's been my support recently. *hug*

Provoking Puppet: kurdt is like.. the greatest.. you could like watch him and have a spontaneous orgasm just from the realness of him

Nicole said that and I said it was quotable so she said quote it.

(Wow - I'm dumb tonight. I first posted this on the completely wrong blog, that I haven't written to in a whole year.)

Things have been... getting better slowly I suppose. This time around I feel like I have more support and it helps tremendously. The prior times I've quit, I really didn't have anyone to help me through the tough times. It was just my own self will, and that isn't an impressive thing.

I still feel very lonely every waking minute. When I'm on the phone talking to Jen or when I'm online chatting with someone it alleviates the feeling, but it's always lurking there for when I'm by myself. I don't know how to make it past those points. I usually crawl under my blankets and cry and hold myself, or if it's really bad and I know I'm going to cry loud I step into the shower with the lights off and sit on the floor and let the tears fall.

The hardest part is trying not to be a bother to people. I know Jen is there if I need her, she told me that and reassured me about it. But still. I feel awful calling everyday, or what's worse 2 or 3 times a day just to have a voice to listen to. That's how much I need contact and a sign of how isolated I am. She says I'm not a bother, but I know that I can be. So I've restricted myself from calling everyday. I don't want to keep inserting myself into her life, when I'm the past, and she's trying to live her future.

Sigh.
I wish I could find my future. I have dreams of a future, but they all involve her. I guess they aren't dreams anymore, after asking dreadfully stupid questions on my part and crushing any spark of hope I kept alive, even if I knew that it was mostly false. Those lies I kept for myself made me get up in the morning.

I don't know what gets me up in the morning now. I don't know what my reasons are for anything.

First day of the end of my life

Why can't people just lie to me? I'm used to them doing that. It would of at least given me false hope in this situation, allowing me to keep going day by day, even if I knew I was fooling myself and lying to myself.

What do you do with yourself when your life resolved around someone that you cannot be with anymore? Someone that doesn't like you the least bit in that way anymore? I wish they could of lied.

I ran away crying and dosed myself up with an unreasonable amount and am feeling the side effects today. I can barely stay awake and I can't sleep at all. It's what I deserve for boldy asking a question I already knew the answer to.

Everyone fools themselves, but I've ran out of lies to believe in.

I've been on Paxil for three weeks now. I don't feel quite as awful, but I still am crying almost every day. I wish it would help more or be more effective.

I feel so alone and that's all I can think about.