I'm scared of what I'm doing to myself. Each morning I wake up and I have a nose bleed. My left nostril is really bad, there's blood whenever I blow my nose. I need to stop snorting all this stuff. I don't know how to stop and I don't know what to do about it. I'm really scared and worried. I need to stop, but I can't. I'm so worried.

I had some strange dreams last night. I actually feel pretty refreshed, which usually isn't the case when I have a lot of dreams. They usually drain me of energy, either because they are bad dreams, or they are good dreams and I want so bad for them to be real. I had one dream where Brianna was doing ecstacy so I talked to her on the phone for a long time. That's all I really remember. I don't remember any of my other dreams. I wish I had remembered more so I could write them down. I think I'm going to try to start remembering my dreams from now on and transcribe them here so I can look at them later. Mostly I've just been ignoring them because they have all made me feel bad, but if I start addressing them maybe I'll be able to deal with them a little better.

I can't fucking sleep again. It's almost 6am. Yay for me. I want to kill myself just so I can get some peace from my own mind and it's inane rambling.

I stayed up for a while talking Brianna until she went to bed, and that was pretty fun as I was very talkative. I also stayed up even longer talking to Raven and that was also very good. I like being called 'sweetness', it's pretty nice of them to say.

Why can't I just sleep?

Lent Somnolence: yeah. they were all farmers 'n stuff. it was cool. i dunno i really liked spending the whole day outside in the hot sun and working. made me feel alive. i'm damn lazy too though. so i need other people around or else i'll just quit. someday maybe i'll have a farm and a wife that makes me work outside. that'd be good. lol. but it won't happen

I feel better. If it's only a temporary solution, chemicals or hurting, it only lasts a little while. But during this time of endorphin induced bliss I can think clearly and remember what it was like to have dreams and desires and, my god, to have motivation to do something. How I miss being like this. How I hate that I've screwed myself up by poisoning myself and how I continue to do so. You'd think I'd of learned now? It's just easier for me to forget. To turn off. To not think about it. That's always how I've dealt with things, but not dealing with them. If I hide in the corner away from people, the problem will eventually go away right? It usually worked, if I waited long enough. Now I have too many problems that no matter how hard I try to hide from them they are always present. I'm slowly making some of them go away - memories mostly. The other upcoming tangible ones are harder to make go away, but easier to hide from. I'm frightened by the upcoming court dates. I don't know how I will cope with it. I've slowly stockpiled extra klonopin for the nights before and the days of, but even with as much extra that I've saved I don't know if it will help stop the panic inducing fear and anxiety that even now is with me.

i give myself three days to feel better
or i swear i am driving off a fucking cliff
because if i can't make myself feel better
then how can i expect anyone else to give a shit
Bright Eyes, If Winter Ends

It took me forever to fall asleep last night. No amount of pills or whatever would help. I woke up sweating from a bad dream that I don't really want to talk about. It just made me feel tremendously lonely and as sad as can be. I don't want to be awake at all.

Another night that I can't sleep. Well actually I have slept plenty today, 3 naps. I just can't fall asleep now, even with all that valerian, passion flower, skullcap, and chamomile in me that I swallowed earlier. I'm very bored and have no one to talk to online right now. There haven't been many people on as of late, I wonder what's going on or if they all have blocked me. I've been seeing Melissa on more, but I don't ever talk to her as I don't know what to say. I wonder where Jen has been as I haven't seen her online, but I really shouldn't be thinking about that.
House of Leaves is a pretty good book, but it's so hard to concentrate with all the footnotes and side stories and what not. I also think my concentration isn't doing very well because of my depression or because of some other reason. I wonder if I'll be able to take a stupid sounding drug like Stratera or Concerta or whatever for it. I'm starting to feel like I have a bit of a hyperchondriac in me, as I want to treat everything with pills, pills, and more pills. Therapy certainly doesn't help very much, and getting through things on my own or with a friends help (I don't have anyone close enough to help me through my problems though) can only help so much.
God I'm boring. Sorry for anyone that happens to read this.

I've spent most of today in bed. I have no motivation or desire to do anything. I seem to be getting worse again. I don't feel particulary more depressed than the past few days, but there's nothing I want to do or nothing that I can do that will pass the time except sleeping and I can only do so much of that. I'm really fucking bored. I need a new shrink. I need to talk to the shrink I have even if she isn't that great. I already know what I want to happen when I talk to her, but as always she'll only do one thing at once which really frustrates me as my condition isn't better. I want to be put on something for my sleep, remeron or amitryptaline, and I want my klonopin increased or even better switched with some other benzodiazapine. My paxil dose needs to be increased from 25mg to 50mg, and I hope it'll make some difference then. If it doesn't, I really don't know what's left to try. Luvox, Prozac (which I'm scared will be too stimulating), and I guess I can try Zoloft again. Not too many options are left.

Kaye told me I could move in with her and Tessa (she doesn't live there yet). That is an incredibly kind thing for someone to do. She isn't even asking me rent, but I would feel way to guilty for staying in someone's house and not paying them anything. I kindly declined right now, at least for the present. I said I need to get rid of my depression and get through the upcoming court dates before I can think about it. But I really like the idea, but I have my worries. It seems like a big mess waiting to happen if I was staying Kaye and Tessa and everything since they both like me and they both have significant others. Oh well. I'll put it out of my mind for now and worry about more pressing problems like the upcoming court date. I still haven't talked to the DA about a plea bargain. Next week my dad is supposed to help me with that, as I don't have a fucking clue about what I'm supposed to be doing and I still haven't gotten a public defender yet. I just want to go run off and hide and forget I was ever alive and be reborn somehow as someone that isn't quite so much a loser and an asshole.

I slept through Thanksgiving so I wouldn't have to deal with anyone talking to me. I kind of suck. I don't feel terribly guilty though. Sigh.

The holidays always make me feel so lonely. At least this holiday and other ones when I didn't have friends. I guess for a short few years I had something really great and now it's gone and I'm back in depressing grey season. It's not a time for cheer, it's a time of reminiscing and wishing. It's not a time for smiles, it's a time of crying and hurting. Why did I ever do such a stupid thing. Why can't I forgive myself. I know I won't ever be able to, but why can't I at least push it out of my mind for a while. It was gone for a few days off and on and I felt marginally okay, lonely but slightly hopeful at a new chance to start things again. I still managed to be alive afterall that I've done to my body, all the chemicals I've subjected it to, all the cuts and scars I've marked my body with. I'll never be rid of the memories. The drugs left their effect on me, they still do as I can't stop doing them, but I feel dull and stupid, nothing like I used to be and I'm sure I've lost something - I don't know what, but it's not there anymore. Did I kill my soul? All the marks on my body will be there forever, no matter how much I try to make them go away, some will fade with time, but the bad ones will stick out, raw and discolored. Just like certain images in my mind.
The only way I can purge myself is by deadening my mind and my body with alcohol and with opiates, flooding the memories of my mind with that dopamine inflicted wave of bliss. I wish I was innocent. I wish I was young. I envy everyone that still has a life ahead of them, with choices and dreams and all the good things that life is supposed to be about. Not this fucking farce of a life, where I struggle to get by every day, where waking up is the hardest thing I've ever done and where I'm too scared to face the outside world, and all those faces alive with emotion out there. My face is blank, the only time it changes is when tears fall down my face. My jaw clenches and I try to fight it off, my face contorts because it doesn't want to feel the hot tears running down again, but I can't stop it no matter how hard I try. I just give into it. Let myself sob, let the hole inside and the hurt build up until it feels like there's nothing inside me at all, clenching myself tight in my arms to hold whatever is left of me inside and not let it escape with the falling tears.

I got my babies today. It wasn't that bad driving there and back, but I didn't get a panic attack on the way back in the car. I would of expected to of gotten it while dealing with a new person, so that's why I thought it was kind of odd. I was able to keep it under control at least.
The rats are really cute. When I first put them in the cage they were exploring everything and hopping around and playing with each other. They are still kind of scared of me so I haven't played with them very much. I tried to take pictures of one of them while I was holding him, but they just kept moving around and the only pictures I got were blurry. Oh well. I'll try again. Two of them are about 4" not including their tail, and the other one is about 3" (from a later litter). I need to think of names for them, not sure what they will be yet. I'm always bad at naming pets I think, but I'm going to try hard to come up with some good names.
I was feeling pretty nostalgic this morning. Sigh. Just kept thinking about a lot of different things in the past, not even the immediate past. Stuff way back in middle school and stuff, which is weird. I thought about my friend Luke that I had in middle school and how one night I spent the night at his house and played Super Mario Brothers 2 and a Pirates game. It was a lot of fun. I don't know why I was thinking about that. I was also thinking about how I miss the holidays with real friends and not with family that I really hate. Sigh.

Today wasn't any help. Therapy wasn't that great. "You seem to be pretty in touch with yourself." I hate doing the stupid feeling questions and associations. It'd be alright if I didn't have to say it out loud, I guess. I just don't think there's much point to it. My psychiatrist is on vacation, so I don't get to see her for another two weeks. Sigh. I was really hoping she'd be in today so I could get some help with everything that's going on lately. I guess I'll just have to put up with it, take extra klonopin for now and hope I can make the rest last until I see her.
Tomorrow I have to get up very early to drive for an hour and half to pick up my rats. I haven't even moved their cage upstairs into my room yet or filled it with litter. I guess I'll do that when I get back home and then fall back asleep. I'll probably be exhausted after 3 hours of driving and from a night of not sleeping.
I've been having these really bad cramps today and yesterday and I don't really know what's causing it. I've started to eat less because of it, since I notice that it happens after I eat something and lasts for a few hours. It really hurts. Today I had to lay down in bed for a while because of it. I hope it isn't anything. It's probably just my anxiety or what not acting up and making stuff difficult for me.

I have to get ready for the dentist in a little bit. Twice in the same month just isn't very fun.
Last night was pretty good, staying up late talking to Raven about different things. It's good to have someone to talk to again, and to have someone that is like me in a lot of ways is really reassuring and good.
Blah blah blah. What else... Oh, Kaye told me she has a husband. She didn't tell me before because she was scared it might change our friendship. I wonder why she thought that? I don't really care, other than it's kind of odd that she didn't tell me, and I'm a little more wary of doing stuff with her. I guess nothing has changed and I'm still free to cuddle or whatever and it's okay. Cassy's friend that she really liked got a girlfriend, so she was pretty upset last night and I wasn't any help. I tried helping but I always feel so useless when people have problems. I don't really understand why people seem to talk to me about them, I don't ever seem to help them. I feel bad about it. I wish I was a better friend to people, but I just don't know the right things to say or do in situations like that.
Well I should be getting ready now. Bye.

I don't feel like much of anything. A big lack of feeling I guess. I wish there was someone I felt like talking to. There are people I could say something to, but mostly I don't. I don't have anything to say to them, and they don't have anything interesting to say to me. It's a horrid feeling being lonely and knowing that there are at least a few people that would talk to you for a few minutes, but you'd just rather not. It seems quite silly and sad. Right now I don't want anything except the warmth of someone next to me, and the feeling of security, even if it's false. Please someone fill this position in my script.

I feel like shit. I've taken two or three naps today and I still feel pretty tired. I woke up a little while ago with a horrible headache. Ah, tramadol pays me back for all the fun I had.
It's been snowing most of today. It's wet drippy snow, but it keeps coming down and slowly accumulating. It looks really pretty. I wish I had a friend to go outside and play with me. That would be a lot of fun. I miss the times in MA when me and Jen would play outside in the snow, especially when it was night. Those were good memories and we made cool paths and forts and stuff. Yay.

It's a little after 6am and I haven't fallen asleep yet. I have the opiate itchies. There must be some other word for that, but I don't know what anyone else calls it. It's slightly annoying, having to scratch myself all over. I wish I could fall asleep, but my body does not want to. It's been probably 10 hours since I dosed up and I've had enough fun.
I called Brianna and was able to talk more than before, which is pretty good, and maybe it means my social anxiety is getting a little better. It's not like I have been in many social situations to know if it's any better. I want to go to the bookstore today if I'm still awake in 4 hours, just to browse and get that book that Cassy is reading, House of Leaves. I'll probably pick up a few magazines and browse around a bit to see if there is anything else I want to get. My little sister should be getting me some books that I asked for quite a long time ago. I have read very little this week. I have two books I need to finish off, one by Storm Constantine, but I don't really feel like getting into one of her pseudo vampire/fallen angel books right now. I also have a memoir about cutting, Skin Game, that I've been trying to read, but everytime I try to read it I can't get past the first chapter, because the descriptions are so vivid in my mind that they make me feel sick. It's pretty odd, that I can't read about cutting, but I can do it to myself and look at pictures of it, even other people's. Yet I cannot read about it. I'm going to keep trying though, as I want to know more about it.
The impulse-control problem I'm having is getting worse and I really need to talk to my pscyhiatrist. I'll bring it up with the therapist on Tuesday just so she knows about it. If she thinks it's a big enough problem she'll call the shrink and see if they can prescribe me something on short notice, but I doubt she will, it's not a horribly big deal, it just bugs the hell out of me. I think I'll ask the shrink's opinion on how to go about treating it, as I don't have any experience with what kinds of medications I should use. I researched online and it seems SSRIs and the TCA Anafranil are what is used to treat it. So maybe I'll ask to keep bumping the Paxil CR dosage up, from where it is now, 25mg to 37.5mg and possibly 50mg in the end. I should ask her if I can switch TCAs to one that doesn't interact with the paroxetine so I can have a higher dose of it. Imipramine works really well, but I'm limited to a very low dose because of the Paxil. I also need to find some *fucking* way to have her prescribe a higher dose of benzo's and preferably something other than klonopin for the day. It is hardly helping at all. The RLS at night is slightly better, but my anxiety is through the roof and I think that's causing all the face picking, tricotillomania, and bruxing. Maybe if I sound desperate enough she'll at least increase the klonopin to 1mg, which still is no where near enough. Sigh. What I really want is 10mg of valium at night with 1-2mg of klonopin and 3mg of xanax xr taken in the morning. Yeah right, I know that will never happen with this shrink. I can't wait to switch to the other shrink as he's not benzophobic so my anxiety will finally get under control and I can feel like I have my life back again and can start getting my life going - finally.

Loneliness feels palpable, like this empty spot inside your body that you're not quite sure how to replace. It's always there when you're alone, it's always there when you're around people and wishing that you were close to them and that they understood you. It never really goes away. Sometimes someone fills up that empty part of you, but it just makes it worse in the end. When they leave the hole is bigger than before, it's colder and darker. You remember all the feelings that they filled it with, all the warmth and compassion, and all the unmitigated love they gave. Now all you have for company are tears. The salt sting they bring might as well be the harsh words of a stranger, but they know your face intimately, all the curves, all the imperfections that you hide from the world, all the secrets that you wish you could share.
Drugs are like a stranger you invite into your house. You're so empty inside that you want the company of anyone, you don't care who they are, you're so desperate. All those secrets you wish you could tell, you tell all to this stranger, because you know they'll be gone in a few hours and you won't see them again until the next time. You wish the next time wouldn't happen, you wish the first time never happened. But you can't stop it, whenever you're alone you can rely on that stranger, knowing they won't hurt you, knowing they won't betray you, knowing that they won't leave you. You can give them everything and they'll take it all away, all the emptiness, all the hurt, all the pangs of the heart that keep you up at night.

My sleep isn't getting any better, I woke up and my jaws hurt from bruxing while I was asleep. Ugh. And all the other things are still there too. The depression seems to be subsiding, I'm not too moody or mopey. I still have my moments, but they are few and far between.

I met someone yesterday online and talked to her for several hours. That was surprising for me as I didn't really want to stay on for that long, but she kept asking me interesting things and the conversation flowed smoothly so I stayed on until she had to go. I think she'll be a good friend. I don't see her online today, which kind of makes me a little sad, but it is a Friday afterall.

Last night I talked to Tessa for a while, and she apologized for what she said to me, which wasn't necessary at all, but was a nice gesture. We actually talked for a while, which is a new thing, and it was nice until she started the whole infantalism/adult baby thing with me again. I really don't like that. What ever happened to just plain me being submissive and none of this extra stuff? Oh well. I also talked to Kaye again. I guess both of them missed me. She didn't get my email, which is kind of odd and worrisome for me, because that's the second person that hasn't gotten my email. I wonder who else hasn't gotten the email I've sent them.

I actually slept kind of good last night. I didn't sleep very much, only 6 hours I think, but I didn't wake up a whole lot. I'll probably end up taking a nap in the afternoon like I always do.
I'm pretty sad that Kaye hasn't written back to me. Maybe she didn't get my email or something. Or maybe she's just sick of me and didn't want to tell me and me writing that letter was the best thing to do. Except now I'm all curious and want to talk to her and see if she got it, and if she did I'm going to feel stupid for being online. If she didn't get it, well I'll still feel stupid as I'll have to say why I don't want to talk to her or Tessa for a while. Which will be difficult and will make me sound like an idiot.
I've been feeling fairly well the past couple of days and today also. It could be because I have been on tramadol for two nights straight. Yeah, that's probably it. Either way I don't have any for today so I'll probably end up having some withdrawal and will be bitchy and moody and feel horrid. Hopefully now. Hopefully the antidepressents are finally starting to work and that's the reason I feel okay and am not constantly thinking about hurting myself, the past that I miss, or wishing that I was dead. All that general bad stuff. There are still relapses where I want to cry because I remember some small thing, or someone says or does something that reminds me of something in the past, but I guess that will always be like that for a long time. It took me forever to forget everything associated with Rho. Years. Ani Difranco was still associated with her years later. I remember crying in Melissa's car when she played it and I just kind of silently tried not to make any noise and hope that no one would notice. I don't think anyone did except for Jen. At least now I can listen to it and it has it's own associations for me now, at least the CD Out of Range, which will forever be associated with Diana, as that was the CD that I spent a couple months crying to. I wish I hadn't of been obsessive about her and whatever image of her that I had created in my mind. I wish I had never gotten attached and had never let myself mourn over something that never existed. I'm sure it hurt Jen that I was expressing that kind of emotion over someone that really meant nothing to me, even though at the time I didn't think that. And all the mean things I said to Jen during that time. I wish I could take a lot of things back. But I can't. I can't change anything. I can't make anything different. I can't ask anyone for forgiveness, and if I could, it wouldn't be given. I hate what I've done and I hate what I've lost because of it. I hate the kind of person I am. How can I be so selfish and hurtful to the people that I cared about most. It's too stupid and ironic that I realize all of this after I've lost it. I wish I was smart enough to know what I was doing and what the results would of been. I shouldn't of toyed around with people like that. I shouldn't of messed with their feelings like that. I should of thought of someone other than myself for once. But it'll never change no matter how sorry I feel, and no matter how much I cry, it'll always be the same. There will only be memories and all I can do is remember the good things and blot out the bad things - and have this imperfect memory with gaps and holes where I was an asshole.
I am sorry. Cry.

This is my second day on the increased dose of Paxil CR and I'm feeling pretty good. I'm in a good mood. I haven't cried at all today. I haven't had depressing thoughts either. There are no new side effects that I can notice either, not that I'm complaining. It makes me want to increase the dose again, but I'll have to wait to do that and see if it's even necessary. I need some way to make her increase my klonopin dose, especially at night, and give me ativan or xanax during the day. I don't really see it happening though. Sigh. I'm still stuck at home even if my depression goes away, the anxiety and agoraphobia is still ever present.
My gums don't work and my teeth don't feel loose like they said they would. They told me to take a couple of advil as soon as I got home yesterday, but my mouth felt fine, even if my gums were all puffy and bleeding. I haven't been doing the salt water rinses and I should be doing that. Ugh.

"You must remember this, a kiss is still a
kiss". Your romance is Casablanca. A
classic story of love in trying times, chock
full of both cynicism and hope. You obviously
believe in true love, but you're also
constantly aware of practicality and societal
expectations. That's not always fun, but at
least it's realistic. Try not to let the Nazis
get you down too much.


What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla


"99 Red Balloons" (by Nena)
99 Decision Street.
99 ministers meet.
To worry, worry, super-scurry.
Call the troops out in a hurry.
This is what we've waited for.
This is it boys, this is war.
The president is on the line
As 99 red balloons go by.


Which 80's Song Fits You?
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I'm feeling lonely. It's my own fault for isolating myself and deciding not to talk to Kaye or (especially) Tessa anymore, because they, like most people, can't or won't understand how I feel and how I am, when I'm this depressed and scared to do anything. They always say things that make perfect sense, things that everyone tells me, but I just can't do any of that. I'm sorry everyone. I need to get out of this deep depression my own way, and it's horribly slow and I hate that fact, but I can't just start leading a normal life all of a sudden and pretend that I feel better. I wish I could just do that, just snap out of it, or what not. I'm not a stupid person. I know when I'm thinking things that aren't good for my mood and am pretty good at rationalizing it away and thinking about other things. So what if I listen to sad music all the time Tessa? I don't feel that it makes me pathetic. I don't feel that me not being able to go anywhere makes me pathetic. It makes me feel like a loser, yeah, but it doesn't make me pathetic for not being able to do something when I'm undermedicated. Sorry.
So I try this gothic personals thing again. So far I've only written to one person. I seem to be very picky and I hope that the one person I wrote to writes back. I hope they email me instead of wanting to talk online like everyone else. I miss emailing people. I miss having meaningful conversations with people online. I blame the lack of that on me, but I still miss it. I don't know what's wrong or different with me, but something seems to be. Sigh.

I got back from the therapist. I was actually able to tell her some things instead of just talking about nothing, which was kind of good in a way. I guess I'm getting a little more comfortable around her, even though I don't think it'll help in the long run. I don't believe cognitive therapy helps at all for me, at least not with a benzodiazapine to drown out the anxiety in my head so I can actually focus on what I'm supposed to do and gradualy work up to harder things. Without the benzo it's just exposing me to progressively harder and harder situations, while each time knocks my confidence level down one more notch. Anyway. I was able to get her to call my psychiatrist on the phone and she doubled my dose of Paxil CR 2 weeks earlier than she had planned, which is good and what I wanted to happen. She didn't prescribe anything for the sleep, probably because she wanted to have another full interview before doing that, but even some trazadone which she had already given me in the past would of been welcome. I really miss having a good night of sleep without bad dreams.

Anyway, I just took another 12.5mg pill of Paxil, so this will mark my first day on 25mgs. Lets see how it goes these next two weeks and hope I don't need to increase it to 37.5mg.

Well I got back from the dentist. My gums don't hurt very much right now, but I noticed that there was a great deal of blood on the bib that you wear. It wasn't horribly painful, just some sharp jabbing pain once in a while, usually behind my teeth. I thought it would hurt a lot more. They used some straight pointy vibrating thing to get below my gums and pressed it against my teeth and rubbed the tool back and forth to get rid of the gunk. It doesn't hurt as bad as it sounds thankfully. I have to do hot salt water drinks for a while to stop my gums from getting infected, and I need to go back next monday so they can check and see how they are healing.
I'm tired from only having slept 4 or so hours, and I don't think I'll be getting much sleep if any before the therapist meeting. Sigh. Three or so hours until then, but I think I'll have a hard time falling asleep.
I'm not looking forward to this meeting, but I never am.

I'm bored. So I'm counting how many people I have on my buddy lists. I have 45 people between AIM, Yahoo, and MSN, with 33 of them being on AIM. Of those, I currently have 8 people blocked, 7 on AIM and one on MSN. I just cleaned out my buddy lists a while ago too. I wonder how many of these people I actually talk to on a regular basis. I think the thought depresses me. It's maybe 5, but that's being pretty generous.

Well tomorrow is the fun dentist at 8am, and then therapy later on in the day. I feel exhausted and tired, but I know I won't be getting much sleep tonight, no matter how hard I try. At therapy, I need to make sure I talk a lot about how I haven't been able to sleep and that my anxiety is horrible at night. Hopefully she can talk to the shrink and get her to prescribe me something, as I really can't wait a whole 2 more weeks to see her. I'm sick of the lack of progress when it comes to my depression. I don't expect my anxiety to get any better as she won't prescribe anything stronger, so my hopes were dashed from the beginning regarding that. But I always thought my depression would of gotten better by now. It's hardly better. When I first saw her, my life on the 1 to 10 scale with 1 being the worst, was a 2. Now I'd rank it perhaps a 2.5.

It's the two week mark on Paxil CR, dose 12.5mg. Most of the initial anxiety from it has went away, but I still have a lot of problems when I'm trying to sleep and my mind won't stop thinking or slow down, which has been keeping me awake. Sigh. As far as the depression, things are actually worse, as the crying spells have come back (only one or so a day, and not serious), and that was completely gone on just the imipramine. I also don't feel any better when it comes to my mood, which is worse, but that could be because of other things that have happened lately. With Erin starting to talk to me online, which generally makes me feel like crap, as I realize how she isn't very great. I can't believe that we used to like each other. There's also stuff with my exgf who has started to talk to me once in a while, which might be making my mood worse.
I wish I had more control over the medication. Sigh. I know I'm undermedicated. I'd increase the klonopin to 2mg twice a day, and increase the Paxil to at least 25mg. I'd increase the Paxil right now, as the initial side effects have worn off and I'm ready to deal with feeling crappy again. Yay. I wish something worked for me. Cry.

I talked to Jen this afternoon for a couple of hours. I didn't cry at all this time. It was okay talking, it's sometimes hard to think of what to say without asking anything personal, which I don't want to get into and I know that she doesn't want to talk to me about. It's strange treating someone that used to know you very well (and still does?), like a, I don't know, casual friend? But they aren't even a casual friend, because they hate and dislike me, but that's how the conversation is or feels, or whatever. Except it's not. I can't even explain and I don't know what I'm talking about.
I feel tired and lonely. I miss the past, but I don't want to think about it or revel in it. Sigh.

"will someone please call a surgeon who can
crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
that you're deserting for better company?
i can't accept that it's over.
...

so just say how to make it right
and i swear i'll do my best to comply

tell me am i right to think that there could be
nothing better
than making you my bride and slowing growing
old together

i feel i must interject here. you're getting carried
away feeling sorry for yourself with these
revisions and gaps in history.
so let me help you remember. i've made charts
and graphs that should finally make it clear.
i've preparead a lecture on why i have to leave

so please back away and let me go
i can't my darling i love you so...
...

don't you feed me lines about some idealistic
future
your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing
out the sutures"
- Nothing Better, Postal Service (paraphrased)

I'm feeling utterly tired. No one is online to help keep me awake. I'm trying to adjust to a semi-normal schedule, because I have to get up at 8am on Tuesday for that dental thing. My trying to stay awake will probably fail as usual. In fact, I think I'm going to go lay down now...just for a little while.

I'm so lonely. Cassy is in Denver with her little sister at a concert by now. I hope she was able to get tickets alright, and that she has a good time tonight and tomorrow. I wish I had someone to talk to. I mean there are plenty of people online on my list, around 8 people out of 32 are online, but I can't carry a conversation with them. Not the kind of conversation that lasts for hours and hours. I can carry a conversation with Cassy for 8 hours (longest time we talked I think), but I can barely talk to anyone else for more than 30 minutes before getting really agitated and feel like I should go because I'm not saying anything to them of importance or anything that could possible be entertaining for them.
I suppose I'll do the GP thing again and find more people to write to. What is with people these days? So many of them hate to email, they just want to talk to me on AIM, Yahoo or MSN, and they just don't want to put the time in to write a good email, or even a short email. Sigh. I really enjoy that method of communication as it's a lot deeper and more sincere I feel. I wish Erin and I still wrote each other snail mail letters, pages and pages of heartfelt feelings. I miss that. I wish anyone in the world would do that with me. I enjoy writing, but I don't enjoy chatting with people. There are only a few people in the world it seems like, that I can talk to for an extended period of time. I feel guilty, like there must be something wrong with me to want to talk to people and yet hate it at the same time. There probably is something wrong with me, there's a great deal of things already wrong with me, or so people like to say, or my parents or the psychiatist and therapist. Yay.
Oh well. At least I didn't have any bad crying spells today and I haven't felt too terrible except this morning. I feel pretty good right now, all in all, I just feel terribly lonely and empty inside. There's this big hole that I want to fill up with friendship and emotion and feeling, from anyone, if they were just willing. But they don't want to be that close to a person like me. Even Cassy has told me to keep my distance so she doesn't hurt me like she hurts everyone, so I keep a great deal to myself, and yet, we still talk for hours. I don't understand how that's possible. I feel kind of hurt that I can't share well with her, and if I do it'll just accelerate the process of her pushing me away, as she can't deal with closeness for reasons not understood yet.
I'm just rambling. Sigh.
I'm lonely.
Anyone out there? No, I don't think so.

So I wake up this morning and find out there's no water at all, none. There's something broken with the pipes or what not, and I don't think it's even going to get fixed by today. Oh yay. I'm in a bad mood from being woken up and now I can't take my shower to calm me down.

Erin wrote to me yesterday, which made me feel good. We still continue to write to each other occasionaly and she puts up with my stupid excesses. It's good to have someone tolerable and intelligent like that. The other Erin, the one I was going to move in with, still talks to me online whenever she's on. But I feel terrible whenever I talk to her. I don't know how she expects me to feel normal, or anywhere near the way I used to, when she took a month off away from me when I was too much to handle. If I'm too much to handle, if my emotions make you feel bad and bring you down, then stop talking to me altogether and don't try to talk to me only when I'm in a better mood. Sigh. Of course I lack the willpower to just tell her to stop talking to me, just like I lack the willpower to tell anyone no, or to tell anyone to stop something, even if it's for my benefit.

Since Erin wrote to me last night, I thought it'd be a great idea to go try to find new penpals as everyone seems to hate me that I used to write to and they stopped writing. I guess I was too much to handle and they just didn't want to tell me, they just decided to stop writing. Heh. So I looked through GP and browsed through stuff, and couldn't find anyone to write to. The problem wasn't the people, the problem was me and me thinking that why would anyone want to talk to me. I don't have anything interesting to say, and I don't have anything interesting going on in my life. I have a lot of stories that I can tell, but what happens after that? They get bored, I feel stupid because I don't know what to say and things generally feel horrible, at least for me. I think I imagine it all in my head, as no one ever tells me that I'm boring or what not, they always say I'm fine.

I feel cold and alone. There are people online that I can talk to, but no one that I can give my soul to and let them really talk to me. I should be happy for what I do have.

Kaye called me earlier today asking how I was, because I haven't been online in a few nights. It was nice to get a call I guess. I wasn't expecting it, that's for sure. I wasn't too horribly scared on the phone either, just slightly uncomfortable. Maybe my anxiety is improving a little. Ha.

Sigh. I tried to talk to my exgf tonight, but she didn't want to talk. She was polite to me, which made me feel a lot better than I would of otherwise. She doesn't want to talk to me every day, but maybe? once in a while. I don't know though. I won't let myself message her saying anything, as the last thing I want to do is be a bother after all that I've been and done. I guess I really should just take her off my list so I don't think about it, but I don't have the will to right now, but I know I will in a few days or a week, or whenever. I hope.

On another note, I'm connected to more than 12,000 people on Friendster now. I don't really know what happened as I was only connected to 28 people before. I think it's kind of a strange experiment, but I don't think anyone will contact me from there. I'll be really surprised if they do.

I still can't fall asleep. I swallowed a ton of valerian and passion flower, you'd think I'd be at least a little tired, but I'm not. Sigh. At least the side effects from the Paxil seem to be going away for the most part, except the insomnia I have. I have a little bit of dry mouth too I suppose, but that's not a big deal.

The crying spells have come back to me. I lay in bed and try so hard not to cry and hold myself while I rock and the tears still come out of my clenched eyes. I don't know what to do. I really want to start cutting myself again, but I can't let myself or I'll never be able to quit again. I snorted tramadol a few minutes ago while watching the end of Requiem for a Dream. How fucked up is that? I still don't feel better. I'm crying now.

Sorry for not writing in here for a while. My sleep has just been really screwed up lately, been going to sleep anywhere from 5-7am each night. It's been making me feel terrible. When I do get to sleep it's very sporadic and I wake up every few hours full of anxiety, and I find that I'm picking at my face or doing some other obsessive thing, and it's start to carry over into my waking life where I'm using a knife blade and scraping it against my skin trying to shave my flesh, which of course doesn't work really well, so I have to go over the same spot a million times and I end up very red and with some of my skin gone, which is scary. It's mostly on my stomach and a little on my forearms now. I know this kind of behavior used to happen, the picking at my face while sleeping and during the day I'd use tweezers on my stomach, hands, or legs. I guess high anxiety levels might be triggering it? I don't know if I'm going to be able to talk to my psychiatrist about this. I need to, I know, and it's probably because of my anxiety. I just don't want trichotillomania to be added to the "list" of things wrong with me. Sigh.
The Paxil CR is still managing to be sedating and stimulating. It's a little better now, on the 10th? day. I just want to have a normal night's worth of sleep. I'm almost sure of the fact that she'll try to give me some trazadone again and I'm going to explain again how it only keeps me asleep for one sleep cycle and then I wake up full of anxiety again. Sigh. I wish she would increase the klonopin to 2mg at night, but that's never going to happen. Or prescribe some valium which I think would help, along with the trazadone.

Last night was really strange for two reasons.
The first is that my exgf IMed me, and well it really shocked and surprised me. I had gotten to the point where I had been thinking very little of her. The crying spells in the morning had finally went away. I wasn't quite sure how to react. The first 15 or 30 minutes I was crying and had this big empty feeling inside, I guess because I missed her a great deal and I had pushed all thoughts of her out of my head, but they resurfaced that night. I was also feeling very horrible about the things I had done to her in the past and having to think of them again really took a great deal out of me and made the tears just come running down. Eventually the crying went away and I was calm and had a good time talking to her about different things, nothing really in particular, except life (the depressing parts).
The other strange thing is that Cassy came on to me really strong. Which is strange because she doesn't want to meet me, or at least did and changed her mind not to. Oh well. She's still someone good to talk to online. Meeting people does screw things up, as it's never how you wish it was, no matter how careful you are, so I understand how she is.

I guess that's all. There's a lot more that I should write about, but I'm getting depressed thinking about everything in general and wish my head would slow down or shut up. Sigh.

I feel terrible today. The Paxil CR is really fucking me over. It's sedating me during the day and somehow managing to keep me up during the night with insomnia even though I'm tired as hell. I want a new psychiatrist. Cry. I just want to feel better. I really want stuff to improve before Thanksgiving so I can have a good time with Kaye & Tessa, but it's not looking like it's going to happen. And I'll be really sad if I don't go because I don't feel good or because I'm too scared. I really want to see them. Sigh.
Life is really sucking hard.

I actually fell asleep before the morning and managed to sleep 5 hours. I woke up around 8am today and even felt like doing something, but by the time I got out of the shower I started to feel depressed and scared again. I just wanted to go to the bookstore for a few minutes and I'm not even able to do that. I'm so shy that I can't even do anything. Sigh. Each day of my life is exactly the same. Wake up whenever, it doesn't really matter, wait until people get online in the evening, talk to them until they go to bed and then try to go to bed myself. Repeat again and again. I feel as bad as I did when I wasn't on any medication, I don't know why. I keep wanting to cry so bad and the thought of cutting is getting to be irresitable again. Tessa was telling me how she cut an X over her heart last night and that made me want to cry. Cry because it's such a beautiful and creative thing, and cry because it's such a sad and depressing thing and I hate that she feels that bad and no one around her knows the depth of her hurt. I've been having thoughts of kissing someone's cuts, especially an X over their heart and tasting them. I've never had thoughts like this and I haven't told anyone. I've always been squeamish around other people's blood, and my own blood kind of makes me feel sick if I get it from an accident or something, not if I make the blood myself. I wonder what she'd say if I told her that. I think I will if I see her tonight online. She fakes being happy and bouncy around everyone when she feels awful. I wish I could do that, as at least I'd be somewhat productive and get things done and I'd be able to be around people. But all I can do is feel miserable and scared and avoident of every possible situation. I hardly can leave my room as anywhere else I start to feel uncomfortable. I'm going to hate to see the therapist tomorrow. I'll have nothing to say and it's been two weeks since she cancelled last week. You'd think I'd have something by now to talk about, but I don't. I guess I'll talk about how the medication isn't working and stuff as that's easy to talk about and isn't really about me. She'll have nothing to say of course as she isn't the one prescribing it, she'll just ask inane questions and I'll answer them, and we'll both pretend that we're getting somewhere.
I hope I can stay awake tonight. I hope I don't do drugs again tonight. Last night was horrible. I was about to break down but I took some Ultram before it happened, being all teary-eyed and sad. Snorted 2 pills which I almost never do and it didn't hurt as much as it usually does, which kind of scares me. I almost never snort it, but when I do it burns horrible, worse than anything I've ever snorted. But it only burnt a little bit, and I've only ever snorted 2 pills a few times before, maybe once or twice. I swallowed another one or two, I can't even remember. I felt so dizzy 15 or so minutes later, but that went away after an hour or so. I hope I don't do that again, that was stupid of me. Tessa told me that Kaye hates alcoholics and druggies. Cry. I know I convinced her that what I do is okay, but I know that it's not. I know that I'm lying to myself and I know that I'm dependent on Ultram and need it to keep myself happy. I told her it makes me happy and antidepressents don't. And she said, well I guess if it works then it's okay. But I know she probably doesn't mean that, even if she thinks she means it, she probably thinks I'm horrible for it. Sigh. Or maybe I'm making it all up. Either way I feel bad about it, because I know that it's a bad thing, even if I managed to get her to accept it. Tessa doesn't even know about it. I had to say goodnight when she told me that as I felt so awful, as she's the same way too. How did I manage to make such good friends online that hate such a basic part of me. I know it's good that they are how they are, as if they were drug users too I know I would start using again in horrible amounts. I can't ever have anything, as nothing is right for me, or rather I'm not right for anything. Cry.

Argh. It's 5:30am and I still can't fall asleep, i've been trying since 2am. Sigh.
Pointless post. Sorry. My sleep is so fucked.

avoidant


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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I talked to Kaye tonight and, well, things weren't as good as I wanted it to be. Oh the conversation was fine, but I told her about my small drug habit and she wasn't thrilled. She didn't like it, but she didn't outright hate me either, and said I was still welcome to hang out and stuff. But of course I feel bad and like I'm a disappointment to her, like I'm not perfect as I could be. I hate it. I can't be good for anyone. There is always something about me that makes me feel awful, because people don't like it, or don't think it's that great. And that's how I feel with Kaye now. She wouldn't leave until I said everything is okay. Yeah stuff is okay, but it isn't great. I was all excited to tell her that I wanted to go visit her for Thanksgiving, but now I don't know. I don't want to be a failure. I know I am. And I know that Tessa doesn't even like me drinking wine, so I know that she would hate me doing drugs.
I talked to Tessa some, but she was very depressed over her ex-bf again, and wouldn't really say much to me no matter how much I tried to comfort her. She thinks she's worthless and all those related feelings and I couldn't make her feel otherwise. Again I feel useless and like a failure. I wish I could make someone feel good. I don't care about myself. I hate myself and that I keep failing people. I can't go back and change myself, I'll be set in my ways, i'm 24, there's no going back anymore. Cry.

I don't know what to feel about people. I always end up feeling things that I shouldn't, usually extremely early when there is no reason for me to feel anything. I think I must be horribly desperate to be like this. I'm terribly needy and seem to emotionally latch onto anyone that I can, regardless of if they will let me or not. Sometimes I think I can try to hide it and not let them know, but it must be pretty obvious. Everything about me is obvious.
I feel horribly sad today. I should of stayed in bed longer, but it really wouldn't of helped things, just prolonged facing my own thoughts. I'm sick of feeling this way, why won't it just please go away. Why won't anything I take, other than drugs, make me feel better. It's not an attitude thing as I honestly want to feel better and I try to force negative thoughts from my head, but it hasn't helped anything. So now I take to embrace those thoughts and I'm left feeling drained and sad every waking moment, but there's some romanticism in it, in the deplorable misery that it brings. I must sound like some high school student contemplating suicide because of a bad relationship. Admittedly the roots of this started from something as simple as that, but it's gone long past that and it's more about hatred towards myself and my inability to do anything right and a severe lack of friends. Even the friends I make now, I'm scared of them, scared that I'll do something wrong, and it prevents me from even meeting them in the first place. What a horrid conundrum.

On the medication side of things, my sleep is really messed up. I started taking some herbs to try to reduce my anxiety, don't know if it'll help. I forget to order some kava kava, as I know that helps, even if I build up a resistance to it quick. This Relora stuff seems promising as a lot of people talk about it, so I hope it does something. The Paxil CR is just making me tired and futher screwing up my sleep. Late night talks with Cassy doesn't really help things, but... fuck it, talking to someone is a great deal better than having good sleep hygeine. The Paxil seems to have reduced my overall anxiety level some, but I don't know if I can deal with this lethargy, just hope it goes away.

I'm so tired today. I think it's mostly the Paxil, and some of it is because I've been staying up so late. Last night I was up until a little past 5am talking to Cassy. I really enjoyed it. Hmm, that's 13 hours of talking, a really long time. Can't believe I'm able to do that and not have someone be dead of boredom from me. I do feel pretty boring at times, but she always says I'm not, like everyone else does. It's hard to convince myself. I hope things go okay tonight. I hope I get to talk to Tessa some too as I'm kind of curious as to how she'll treat me, after how she was last night, being all out of control and wanting me.
I'm drinking my chai tea trying to wake up, but it isn't working very well. I'll probably have another cup soon. Wonder how long I'll stay up tonight.
Bye for now.

Pretty much the same stuff happened tonight as has been happening the previous nights. Tessa was over at Kaye's house and I talked to both of them, with them switching off and on. I sent them some pictures of Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Tessa really liked him, and Kaye liked him too. Then I sent them some more pictures of me and Tessa started swooning and going crazy and wanting me, which was cute. I like both of them a great deal, I'm not really sure in what kind of capacity as you can't really tell that from just talking online, but I think Tessa likes me to a degree, but I also know she likes Matt and is still getting over Jeremy. I'm kind of scared she'll pounce me while we're sleeping, but it's kind of a scarily good thought. I doubt anything will happen like that as I'm very shy, but that's how she acts online.
I wish I could get closer to Cassy, but she holds herself off at a distance and doesn't allow me to get inside very well. She slips up sometimes and tells me things, but not very often. She was pretty sad tonight because of past things with people, but doesn't give me a good opportunity to comfort her and make her feel better, so I feel very ineffective, but I try anyway. I think with enough patience and time we'll become better friends hopefully. She really is a nice person.

I'm feeling kind of sad, kind of something. I'm not really sure what I'm feeling, all I know is that I can't sleep. I'm tired of not being able to do anything. I'm tired of being scared. I'm fucking sick of therapy and the psychiatrist that won't give me medication that will make my anxiety go away. No, I can't deal with it, and no, therapy does not make it better at all. It just gets worse and worse, each incident compounding the trouble. I'm getting more and more reclusive and I hate it.
I want to go hang out with Kaye and Tessa, but I'm too fucking scared to do anything. I spent last night talking to both of them and it was good, along with Cassy, who I'm starting to get to know a little bit better, but not as much as I'd like. Tessa is a very sweet person and I feel bad that she's going through a lot of emotional trouble right now and having to deal with really bad depression. She's a cutter too, so we can relate in a lot of ways. We're very friendly with each other, saying what we'd like to do and wish we could do, etc. But I always preface it with saying that I'd be too scared to do anything more than give her a hug in real life, which feels really stupid of me. I wish I could just curl up in bed with someone and hold them and have them hold me and know that I was worth something and know that I was needed and know that I was wanted. I think that would make all of my depression disappear. It wouldn't help with my anxiety, but I can draw strength from friends if they are around me in tense situations and I'm better able to cope. But I need medication to be able to have friends like that, so it's some stupid circle that can't ever be fixed. There's always going to be something wrong with me and it makes me want to contemplate death knowing that I'm going to have to deal with these problems the rest of my life. It's not a comforting though and it's not something that excites me. It makes me hate the world and hate people and hate that I'm in this fucking place.

I spent a lot of time last night talking to Cassy, until 3am again and it was really good. Today the conversation isn't as great, or maybe it's just me. I'm always so self conscious that I think I'm boring, it's really horrible for me as it makes me want to leave all the time.
This entry sucks, I meant to write so much more.

Well, Cassy, has warned me to not get attached. She already warned me the last time we talked. She says she always pushes away people after a while, the longest someone lasts is around 6 months. I'm very sad about this whole thing, but I hope that once it happens (she has no doubt that it will), that we can continue to remain friends to some degree. She is a witty and smart person, with a sense of morbidity like I quite like. I like talking to her, to put it simply.

Last night I stressed out a great deal about the upcoming court date. Today I saw the psychiatrist and I got put on another antidepressent, Paxil CR. More and more waiting to see if this will help any. I hope it does, even if it's just a little bit. I take 7 pills a day for my depression and anxiety. It's starting to feel a little ridiculous, and by next month I'll probably be taking twice as much Paxil CR and/or 3 pills of Neurotin a day. 10 pills a day sure seems like a lot. I'm screwed up and no one understands and no one will give me what will make me feel better. I explain and explain what has worked and what doesn't work, but I still got to go through all of this bullshit. I feel my life wasting away in this pit of depression and my goals disappearing behind my palpable anxiety.

Sigh. I'd cry if the tears would come. They always come unwanted, but never there when I want to cry for my own reasons.

Last night I met a new person online, Cassandra (Cassy), who I enjoy talking to. I'm probably attracted to her, well I am, but I know I'm stupid for even thinking things like this after talking to a person only once. She's actually intelligent and interesting as far as I can tell, and seems to be quite sad and depressed like me. So I can talk about things that most people would feel uncomfortable talking about with her. It's probably not the best for my mood, but I like being able to talk so openly and not have to hide my bad feelings just so people will put up with me.

Kaye and Tessa are nice people too. I talked to Kaye for several hours and Tessa for very briefly. Kaye would like me to come visit sometime, which I think I will, once I get the courage too. Who knows, maybe the Paxil CR will lower my anxiety enough so that I can drive down there and not freak out too badly. It helped somewhat in the past, just not enough. Just another four to six weeks of waiting before it takes effect so I can know. I hate this waiting.
I'm sick of doing nothing, even though I'm scared of everything.

I've scared off all of the people that used to write to me in emails after my last trip to the hospital and mental ward. I guess they can only put up with one bad thing happening to me, not multiple things. I can't really blame them. I shouldn't of even told them. But I have no friends and no one to confide in and seek comfort. It does hurt to tell someone something deeply person and have them not talk to you again ever, but I guess that's the way of things. I shouldn't be so open with people, no matter how much I think they care or how much I think I can trust them. My feelings are always wrong and I always misjudge the situation, so I am better at underestimating everyone.

I want a friend a great deal. A hugging friend, one that I can feel comfortable around crying. One that I can tell all the things that are bothering me and have them tell me it'll be okay and encourage me. Kaye is like that, and I think if I ever actually meet her it'll be a good thing. I'm just so scared.
I'm scared of being scared. Scared of being frightened. Scared of my shyness fucking things up. Scared of myself. Scared of what I'm not and what I am.

I dislike myself more and more. I want to cut and bleed and watch it run down my legs, but I don't even have the energy in me to do that. Sigh.

Tomorrow I get up early to see the psychiatrist. I am full of anxiety and hardly slept any last night, because I'm worried about her writing me a note for the upcoming court date. And I'm really worried about court and it's just getting worse and worse each day. I can't stop the anxious feelings and my sleep is suffering horribly. I'll be put on some new medication, I hope she puts me on both of the ones I want. I'm still very depressed. I feel like I've relapsed some as I'm starting to cry once in a while for not very good reasons, and for a while, at least a week, I wasn't doing that. I hate how much I've been eating though. This stuff really messes with my appetite and I don't like eating this much, but it's really hard to stop. I need to start excersizing if I ever get energy back again. If I have energy, I probably wouldn't be this depressed either. It's stupid.

Well Erin contacted me again saying she's finally read to talk to me once more. I don't know what to do. I know what I'm going to do, I know I'm going to write back and be happy that she wants to talk to me again. I should be angry or something, or at least a little resentful, but it's hard to do that. She's going to a Jealous Sound concert and I am jealous about that, but not in a bad way.

Things with Chris are okay, I think. I wish she had more compassion, but she seems somewhat self-centered. I want to be a good friend to her, but she hardly talks to me, even though she says I'm good at conversation. It feels very one way. She hardly says anything about herself. I wish something good would happen to her and she would meet a guy she likes, but she's so picky it feels like. And picking someone for their looks won't get you anywhere. She's 31, I would of thought that she would of figured that out by now. Sigh.

I bought some vitamins and herbs. I hope they help me out some, especially the herbs for anxiety. I've never tried Relora, Valerian, and Passion Flower, so they might help. I've tried Kava Kava and it works well, except it's fairly sedating, but I'm going to try it again in addition with the others. I got some B-Complex and a vegetarian multivitamin, so that will improve my overall health. I feel pretty shitty when it comes to my health.