Vintage port is good. It makes me drunk really fast, because I'm a light-weight, and it also doesn't make me want to throw up like most alcohol does. I feel pretty depressed. My father consficated about $200 of drugs (street value of almost $3000), that I was going to sell to help pay off my debt, and I feel really screwed. I really wanted to take a vicodin tonight too and feel relaxed and good for once. This is really making me angry. I'm not going to see a therapist anymore. If I can't trust my parents then I'm not going to do anything to please them. I'm fucking 24, and I should be allowed to do what I want, illegal or not, it's not their business. They shouldn't be trying to control my life like this. It's just wrong. If I want to fuck myself up, that is my decision. If I want to die, that is my decision. I'm going to do what I want to do, regardless if someone tries to stop me. The more they try to stop me, the more determined I get. I'm too stubborn to let this get me down, it'll just make me sad for a little, and then give me additional resolve to do something even worse.
So don't go blaming me if something happens, I didn't start this war. This mistrust is entirely in their hands.

Saw the therapist today. She is alright I guess. Wasn't very scary or anything, wasn't really interesting. I'm kind of disappointed that I won't be able to see a psychiatrist for a whole other month. I've been waiting so long to be on medication, and this is really beginning to suck. From the sounds of what my therapist said, my chances of getting prescribed xanax or another benzodiazapine isn't very good, which is making me depressed. I know it's the only thing that makes my condition better, but I'll go along with whatever they want to try and give it a chance, and hopefully they'll put me on a benzo after everything else has failed. I'm really sad about this. I want my life to get in order right now, not in a month, or a few months, or however long they will be experimenting on me with different drugs.
I have to see the therapist every week on Tuesday. I don't really know what she hopes to accomplish. The first visit felt like a waste of time and I certainly didn't get anything out of it. Oh well. I'll give it a chance. It's not like I'm doing anything with my life right now, being confined to my house, and getting out, even if it is to see a therapist is more than I've done in a long time. A few little steps at a time I guess.

I took 450mg of Effexor XR last night, because I'm sick of waiting to see a psychiatrist and I want to start feeling better. I felt pretty nauseus and had dry mouth while I was trying to fall asleep, and the same symptoms when I woke up. I feel like of out of it, but I also feel slightly energetic, probalby my mind is making up the last part, but I'm not complaining. I think I might just take 300mg tonight instead of 450mg. I think the highest dose you are supposed to take is 237.5mg, or something like that, but I know several people from reading the anxiety support group take 300mg, and a few take more than that. I took so much because I want to get a jump start on my depression and, I was hoping that by taking large doses it'll reach theraputic levels in my blood quicker. I don't really know if any of that is true, but it seems to make sense. I was taking 300mg before and was doing alright with it. Helped my depression a little, I don't really know if it helped my anxiety. It's pretty hard for me to tell if something helps.
I'm also pretty lethagic today from the Effexor XR. I layed in bed forever. It also kept me awake forever last night too. Oh welll. I want to feel better so the price is worth it. It's no where near as horrible as I felt when I started to take Paxil, that felt like I had the flu or something for 3 or 4 days before it went away.

I actually did some work today, for the first time since I got out of the hospital. I mowed the grass which took 2 hours, so I was able to make a little money and make the minimum payment on my credit card for this month and I have an extra $10. I got a gross blister on my thumb as payment. I guess I have delicate hands, they always get blistered when I work. A life of not doing anything shows through. It's not by choice, however, I'm so scared of everything. Next month my bill is going to be so large, I'm horrified to think about it. I'm going to have to start working a lot more than just 2 hours a week, I don't know what else to do and I can't even start to think about having a real job with how much anxiety I have now. I really hope the psychiatrist isn't a jerk and will give me some antianxiety medication so I can deal with life and actually leave this house. I'm getting more and more impatient to see the psychologist so I can get that stupid referal. I am sick of this depression. I'm sick of crying for no reason. I'm sick of feeling teary-eyed and not being able to cry. I'm sick of being emotionally confused and numb. I'm sick of myself.

I got drunk today for some stupid reason. I just wanted to feel good and be able to forget all the things that are haunting me for a little while. It wasn't that great. I felt alright for maybe an hour and then I felt tired so I layed down and slept for a little. By the time I woke up I had a headache and my stomach felt horrible, needless to say I ended up puking several times. Not a very fun experience. I don't think I'm going to try getting drunk again. I don't know what my problem was, I only had 2 beers, it shouldn't of even made me as drunk as I was, and it certainly shouldn't of made me that sick. I guess I haven't drank any alcohol in a while might be the reason.
I really miss the past. I know it's almost all that I talk about. Now I'm listening to Ani DiFranco, which reminds me of no less than three people I have loved. Rho, or Rhonda, the first real girlfriend I ever had. I met her online and we got together once and had a very good time, even if I was very frightened and didn't say a whole lot. The next person was Jennifer, who I also met online, and I was together for 4 years. It hurts a lot to think about not being with her. The last person is Diana, someone in MA that I was infatuated with and kind of led me on, but I never really had any kind of relationship with other than being a casual drug buddy. The most physical it got was hugging and a little touching and massaging when she was messed up out of her mind, I doubt she even remembers.
I want to cry and cry, but all that happens are small occassional tears falling from my face. I want to hurt, for all the hurt that I caused, and all the hurt that has happened to me. I want to experience it all again. I want to feel something.
Why can't I cry? Why am I so numb?

Mad Girl's Love Song
A Villanelle

By Sylvia Plath

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name,
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again,
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I like the new blogger features they added, even though I probably won't use them except for the draft thing. I wish they would add built in commenting, but oh well, not like anyone comments anyway, and there are only 2 people that I know of that read this thing.

I'm feeling better today. A lot better physically, still not perfect, but good enough. But emotionally I'm getting worse and worse each day I think. I think I"m getting more depressed as time goes on and I'm getting very impatient to see the psychologist just so I can get a stupid referal to a psychiatrist and then hopefully get on an antidepressent, and then I have to wait a whole 4-6 weeks for it to work. How, well, depressing.

I don't know much more I can express that I hate being here. I hate it here. There aren't words strong enough. I miss the past and no matter how hard I try to forget it, it keeps coming back. Now I'm having dreams about _high school_, which is really disturbing as that is such a long time ago and I can even hardly remember most of those people's names.
Sometimes I wish I was successful and did die, but a part of me does still want to keep trying. I don't know how it is still there. I want to find someone and be with them, like I was with Jennifer, and have it feel all magical and good and perfect. I guess that's the only reason I keep trying, because I know that it is possible, because it was once real, so maybe it can happen again. It's just so difficult. I can barely even say hi to people, how am I supposed to find someone that likes me and vice versa.

I feel pretty much better physically now. There is still some muscle soreness and I get small headaches during the evening (why always during the night?), but it's getting slightly better each day. I need to start working, I have so much debt. I was crazy or something during that week or so that I was really doing a lot of drugs, I bought so much stuff with my credit card online. I have no idea what I was thinking, or rather wasn't thinking. I have no way to pay it all off and I'm going to have to get help from my father, who will just say get a job, and it's going to suck a lot because he doesn't understand at all about any of my problems, which is kind of one the reasons why I'm in this mess. There are other bigger reasons, but that is one of them. The biggest reason I am so depressed and wanted to die (and was almost successful) is that I'm so lonely. Companionship and a girlfriend or boyfriend would be nice, but I know that's an unrealistic goal for me as it's hard for me to even get any friends. I'm depressed because I don't have any friends and I'm unable to make any no matter how hard I seem to try. No one finds me interesting, or I don't find them interesting. I wish I had never screwed things up in MA and hurt so many people. I hate myself for doing that and hurting people I cared about and forever making them not want to communicate with me. I never knew what a good thing I had until now. I still wish I was dead, but I never want to see the inside of a hospital again and have to stay there for an extended period of time and be asked a million questions by Dr.'s, and the stupid questions asked by psychiatrists trying to find out if I'm crazy and if I needed to be put in the psych ward. I'm honestly surprised they didn't put me in there. I'm an obvious drug addict (or was - if I don't do drugs for 6 months, then I think I've gotten over it), and I'm obviously very depressed. I guess I wasn't enough of a threat to myself, and I'm not a danger to other people. I still have to see a psychologist and then a pscyiatrist for medication, and will probably have to keep seeing the psychologist until they're convinced I'm better and don't need their "help". I realize it's their job to listen to me, but I don't want to share my problems with a stranger, even if I don't have anyone else to share them with. Sharing it with a stranger is just as good as not sharing it, to me at least.
I started emailing a 39 year old woman in Longmont, but she kind of frightens me, being one of those "vampyres", but I can use whatever I can get. She's not stupid, which is a plus, and she seems genuine even if she's a bit odd. I need to find more people in Longmont to write to and eventually I hope I can make one of them my friend, a close friend.
I decided I will start college this spring (January). I will probably go to Front Range, just because the pitifully small campus is right in Longmont now, even though they have very few classes, but I really need to finish this stupid 2-year degree. And after that I think I will go to Metro State if I'm still living here. I don't want to live here, but I don't have much choice. I'm not good at supporting myself. Keeping a job is really hard for me, and staying in school is very difficult, but it's something I can manage if I put my mind to it.

*sigh*
I need a friend.

I still feel really sick even though I've been out of the hospital for a while now. A lot of things have changed with my I guess. Things aren't going that well with Erin, but things are going well with Sarah. I wish I had friends near me, I could really use the companionship and friendship to help me get through this but I guess I have to rely on myself and online friends for this. I'm such a weak person.