A Self Portrait

Today the sun burned away at my face and i just let it burn.
Another angel turned her back on me.
She folded her wings and hung her head.
God you gave me this heart but I was wondering if I could trade it in.
I wail and I weep for I can not sleep for I stare at the ghosts of my own design.

Driving past the quiet steeples in the night.
I harbor these tears in my eyes.
She thinks she is hearing sounds in the night and I am fighting just to sleep.
And I wail and I weep.

The bells will ring in the steeple in the morning.
And I'm just now trying to find myself.
Singing the words to create acceptance were never my good intentions.
And now I've only a house full of regrets.

Shatter the glass of my eye.
And I will come to see this blinding darkness.
And I've lost sight of all that is real.
For I sit here alone. I write a novel of my own.
And there are no happy endings in this tradgedy.

The bells will ring in the steeple in the morning.
And I'm just now trying to find myself.
Singing the words to create acceptance were never my good intentions.
And now I've only a house full of regrets.

Sometimes I am almost content in my sorrow.
My ship is sailing to the seas.
So wave and blow your kisses.
Cause I'm not sure I'll be home anytime soon.

I've set out to fail the world.
I've set out to fail myself.
I will dream the dreamers lie that everything is okay.
When everything isn't okay.

He says my burden is also his but I don't want to put this on him.
Stare up at steeples lost in the night. I find myself so lost on the inside.

And now I've only a house full of regrets.
And as the wind blows it takes with it all the memories.
And as the breeze blows I turn my eyes to the skies and hope for hope
that this will soon come to pass.


I feel tired. I feel empty. This feeling is familiar and old. It's that friend that is always there, except this feeling isn't a friend, it's a ghost that keeps haunting me. It's there when no one is around. It's there when I'm crying. It's there when I'm sad. It's there always. I try to describe how depression feels, but I can't ever describe it in words that do it justice. It's as powerful feeling as love. You can't describe love anymore than you can describe depression. But I try anyway. The closest I can come to describing it is, it feels like drowning. It feels like the world is slowly going black and the water is rushing all around you. You see yourself sinking, you see the water rising, black and ominous. You are full of desperation, but you can't do anything, the water keeps rising until you're struggling for breath and are slowly choking. Depression is like slowly drowning, and each gasp for breath is a herculean effort, struggling to the surface to take a gasp of cold and empty air, only to submerge again and see everything clouded through your distorted jaded and watered eyes.
It's like Sylvia Plath said, it's a bell jar over your head, slowly, ever so slowly coming down, choking out the air and making everything stale, while you stare out behind your glass prison at all the people living their lives.

Yay.

Kids, don't ever let anyone tell you school is more important that video games! Worse come to worst, you won't make it into college and you'll spend your whole life working a dead-end job making minimum wage, but that's just enough to pay for an apartment, an internet connection, and a computer.
-- Some guy on the World of Warcraft board today.

A little better.

I've gotten two cards for Christmas. It's nice to be remembered. It's the best Christmas present someone could ever do for me.
I'm still feeling out of it and having problems with withdrawing from stuff, but getting stuff in the mail today was a great surprise.

i remember you
do you remember me
there’s no way to the heart better than awkwardly
Matt Pond PA

Something I'm missing?

I think these are a great idea. Although I wonder how comfy it is. Laps aren't usually that comfortable to sleep in for an extended period of time. It'd be a nice thing to use while reading though.

(I'm a loser.)

Smile like you mean it

Save some face, you know you've only got one
Change your ways while you're young
Boy, one day you'll be a man
Oh girl, he'll help you understand
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

Looking back at sunsets on the Eastside
We lost track of the time
Dreams aren't what they used to be
Some things sat by so carelessly

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

And someone is calling my name
From the back of the restaurant
And someone is playing a game
In the house that I grew up in
And someone will drive her around
Down the same streets that I did
On the same streets that I did

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

Oh no, oh no no no
Oh no, oh no no no

Feeling small and curled in a ball.

I'm going through withdrawals (again). So I don't think I'll be posting much lately. It's difficult to focus on something for a long period of time and my mind is mostly focus on pills, depression, or how my body is feeling at that moment which usually isn't the best.

Oh well!

Meh.

I just woke up to a big empty 'Meh' feeling. It's dark and no one is home and it feels like crying. For no good reason.

Nothing really new has been happening, or it feels that way. I saw the doctor yesterday and had a medication tweak. I've been fairly nervous lately, but I have reasons this time around. So I'm not rushing to grab some pills even if it would settle my crowded head.

A box of fish was delivered today. I got them all put into the tank and hopefully they are all doing alright. They all were a lot smaller than described, but I'll see how things turn out. More plecos. More plecos. More plecos. I have another box coming in next week.

My grandmother is in the hospital again, still, whatever. She had gotten out for a few days before again getting sick. It makes me worry. Every little thing is making me worry.

This entry really was meh. I had to work just to write this much.

It's been a while.

It is now 4AM. I've woken up more times than I can count. Conversely I've also gone to sleep more times than I can count in these 2-3? days. It's like I'm sick. How is it? It's like I've caught a cold that's about, yeah, 3 years old. *cry*

I can now listen to movies I think without waking my Aunt up. Last night I think she had a bad night. I never really know. She's good at hiding her emotions. But she always has her glass of red wine every night, and this night she was on the phone for several hours, and her prescription bottle of what I assume is her Xanax was out on the table.

I have a horrible secret that some people know about, and some people don't know about, and some people think they know about. I'm not very good about it. I don't even know why I'm mentioning it with circles instead of lines. Well I haven't been very good with that secret lately and I think that's why I feel so sick.

I must be doing a little better now. Even though, night or day, I don't know if I should be awake or sleeping and if I am awake I'm not really sure what I should be doing. This tiny motivation to blog is a good thing though. I had lost that for about a week it seems.

I had met a new online friend, but things do not seem to be working out well in the land of friendship. That makes me want to cry. What's the deficit in me? That's what I always ask, but I always forget, it's not what is lacking - it's what wasn't there in the first place. Is there a word for that?

There are two new Bright Eyes singles that I should go listen to. I need to get around to that. I wonder if I can find the new albums online before they can. I bet I can. It's been so long since the wonder days of Napster. You know what makes me smile? Seeing someone younger than me wearing a Napster hoodie. I don't even care that he wasn't old enough to be around to use it, it's the fact that he's wearing this iconic representation - something that you learn about in college by not going to classes and mingling with the types of people that you won't ever probably meet or hang out with outside of college. What tangent am I going off on? Someone just IM'd me, someone new. Here's to this lack of thought.

I think I'm going to go make midnight, well 4AM, soup. Take lots of vitamin C and hope I am awake for longer than 1-2 hours without feeling like I want to die.

Please don't die.

Why?

So, I posted on someone's livejournal and made a comment. It was a nice comment, but I guess it was a little personal and a little scary. It's deleted now, as if it was never there. That just confuses me. Maybe they don't want anyone to know about this weird person named Allen.

Maybe no one wants to know this weird person named Allen. I feel like disappearing. I feel like sleeping and never waking up. You know I slept until 9PM yesterday, because of how I felt? My head hurt so much and I didn't even want to get out. There was no reason that I could think of.

I'm going to ask them why they deleted my comment, or if it even was on there in the first place. I was out of it last night. So maybe this is all a dream, a bad dream. Those are those worst kind, because with enough time I slowly incorporate them into my own memory and they are real to me and I can't tell if they are a dream are not. Do you know that's a sign of schizoprenia? One of the early signs? It is scary, but I do know at least one other person that does that too and she's not schizoprenic, so I feel slightly assured.

I'm crazy, but not that crazy -- yet.

Trust.

I give trust completely to someone, and when they say they just use it up. I say I still trust you and when they hug me back, that gives me confidence. Go ahead, though, and use it all up, make the truths, dreams and promises you gave me and break them all. It's alright. That's what friends are for, not breaking promises, but for giving trust unconditionally, and that's what I do. No matter how many people abuse me, and now matter how many people hurt me, I still will trust. There are good people out there in the world that don't use, that don't take, and that don't hurt. I will find someone like that sometime. It's a matter of trust. I trust you and everyone else.

I feel hurt. I feel like crying. When she told me this, but I told her the truth that I'm still there and that I'm still a friend. It remains to be seen what the future brings, but I know what I will do as a friend. I will be there, and I will continue to need them and continue to care for them and help them when they need it. I am their friend.

I don't take friendship litely. It's one of the most serious things in the world, it's as serious as being in a relationship. Friends are dear to me, because I've abused so many in the past. I've come to the realization that if I don't give a friend everything I have inside, they might go away. I might lose them. I cannot lose anyone else again, no matter how little or how much they mean to me. Everyone means the world to me, there are no degrees of better or worse. Everyone is a person and everyone deserves trust, love, friendship, and most of all a hug when they need it.

Right now, I need a hug, but I don't have anyone to give me one. Some days that's all I think I want out of life. Is someone to hug me. I need the physical comfort more than words, than emotions, than anything. The physical abuse I suffered growing up has made me so frigid, cold, and empty, that a hug can fill me up with the warmth that makes me want to live.

I want to live, but I need the fuel to keep me going. Right now, and for 2 years now, I haven't had a hug from a friend. I'm running on empty, and I don't know how long I can go before I burn up. I'm burning up now, crying tears as they steam in the air. I'm hot all over from the chance at losing someone, I feel crazy inside that I might lose another person. I'm cold all over from not being held. I'm shivering and sweating. Won't someone please help make me feel loved, or at a least a little more normal, a little more sane?

Seen it?

Lent Somnolence: i just mentioned my dick cause like people have seen it probably. i mean i've been fucked up a lot. who knows when my pants came off and where.

Cerbera odollam

'Suicide Tree'

Excerpt
Cerbera odollam, which grows across India and south-east Asia, is used by more people to commit suicide than any other plant, the toxicologists say. But they also warn that doctors, pathologists and coroners are failing to detect how often it is used to murder people.

Inbetween.

I want to wake up with someone next to me, and be able to look into their closed eyes and see the sun striking their face, lighting them up. That feeling lights me up inside. It makes my heart feel full and it makes me feel complete.

I feel between places. I'm here in Colorado and no one is here for me. The people I know are scattered everywhere else. Everywhere except here. Why is it so hard to get a hug from someone?

I meant this entry to mean a lot more, but writing is just making me want to cry for some reason.

I don't want to wake up alone again feeling stuck between lost and home.

Alone.

"Cry. Alone. Together. In the end the result is the same."

It's Thanksgiving night. What am I thankful? For being alive. That's the only thing I can think of. I guess I can be thankful I'm not in the ER. I finished off all the wine in the house that I could find (not there is much). I'm feeling slightly better singing along slightly drunk to Ani DiFranco. I also listen to her album Dilate when I feel terribly awful and stupid.

I had a fight with someone. It was about things I don't even remember. Isn't that how all fights are? It's stupid. I wish I wasn't so reliant on that person. Every single person tells me to distance myself, or stop talking to them, or anything. Anything except what I am doing now, relying on them for so much.

Jen is going on vacation for a week, again. A new friend that I met online this week is also going on vacation, well left today. I didn't get to say bye to them. That makes me feel really sad. It feels like everyone is leaving when it isn't true. Nicole just came back from MA, but we never have in-depth conversations anymore it seems. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's my lack of personality. Maybe it's my drug-filled mind being empty. Whatever it is, I miss being able to talk to her about something meaningful.

I think the only person around for a while is Stacie. Stacie is reliant and I know she'll be there. I must seem kind of abusive to be talking about other people and how they aren't there for me when I know someone will always be there for me. That is abusive, I think. I'm thankful, yes I guess that's what I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving, for having her as a friend.

I need someone here. I need someone to hold me. I need someone to hug me. I take everything that isn't right here, right now, right and real, for meaning very little. It's rude and wrong. I can't help it.

What else is bad? My grandmother is in the hospital, again, for pneumonia. I think it's getting close to that time for her. The hard thing for me, is that I can't care. I hardly knew this person, they hardly knew me, even though they always smiled when they saw me. You know how grandparents are. What am I going to do when they are gone? I'll probably cry. Why? I have no idea. I'll cry for the loss that could of been. I'll cry for the relationship that could of been. I'll cry for the things that never were.

My little sister has this stereotypical emo boy. This irritates me for some reason. It really shouldn't, it fits quite well I guess. My sister is a stereotypical post-punk person that goes to concerts every weekend and clubbing once a week. So why shouldn't so two people like that together? They shouldn't. No one should get together if they are just like everyone else. What differentiates my sister from all the other idiots? What differentiates this guy from all the other idiots? I guess I'm being too harsh, but right now I feel like I could scream at both of them, "Get some personality and stop complaining about your oh, so perfect lives!".

I hate everyone. I hate everyone who has someone. I hate being alone.

"Bleed Black"

I feel so, out of it. At times lately I'm so full of energy and happy as I can be, euphoric. It's nice. Other times I just don't want to get out of bed. It has to be one of the medications I'm on, but neither are supposed to activate mania, and I've never been diagnosed as manic-depressive. I don't know what's going on with myself and I wish I would stay stable. Right now, I'm feeling a little down, but I'm also being very productive. I'm working on those 600 or so CD's that I'm trying to burn to my computer and then hopefully write down a list of those. After that, I'm going to copy several (hundred) of them for 3 or so people that want the ones I have. Maybe even more people than that, I have no idea really. I know I should burn some for Stacie, Nicole and Jen.
I'm beginning to feel a manic episode come on, which, I believe, is because I just took my second dose of Strattera for the evening. I'm going to listen to what my original doctor told me to take and not the one substituting for him. I can tweak the dosage next week when he gets back, or in two weeks. My memory is really horrible now with all the benzodiazapines I am on, but we'll figure things out together whenever we meet up again.

I am exploring the inside, I find it desolate
I do implore these confines, now, as they penetrate, "recreate
me"
I'm hovering throughout time, I crumble in these days
I crumble, I cannot, I cannot find reflection in these days

My pills are full of brains.

I've had mild to moderate hypertension my whole life, it is usually around 135/75, but it's been up to 150/110 in stressful situations. This morning when I took it it was 110 /74, and I just took it this afternoon after I had been awake a while and it was 115/74. The Strattera can lower blood pressure, but so can depletion of l-tyrosine and/or l-phenylaline (the precurser to tyrosine). So it really does make me think there is some kind of chemical warfare going on in my brain for mediocre levels of norepineprine. Whenever I take some phenylaline I'm great. That is what I have been doing most days, taking it 3 times a day at doses that dieters use (high doses). And it's been keeping me running. I just have to stay on this lowered dose of Strattera until my doctor gets back next Monday. I thought he got back this week and when I called I guess I was wrong. There goes my hopes of going to a lower dose.

Fix

"It was an addiction not a relationship."

"I just...need the pills to help me when there isn't a person here to hug me instead. The pills are my friends and they give me cold, icy, hugs, but at least it's the hug I need."

CYP2D6.

So, a while ago I called the Dr.'s office trying to get ahold of my doctor. He's out for the week. I wanted to see if I could get on a lower dose of Strattera as it's making me kind of crazy. Crazy in I'm so euphoric I love you all way, and a I'm so tired I want to just sleep kind of way, all nicely splitting my day up into 2 disparate parts.
I talked to the receptionist who took down my information and my problems and what I wanted to do and she said she'd run it by the doctor who is covering for mine today. I hope he makes a call back. Well he will. I just hope he does and I can talk to him. I don't like talking to other people, and I especially do not like talking to other doctors about my medical problems and trying to explain to them. So, yeah, I was figuring that with 2 P450 enzyme inhibitors, Cymbalta being a moderate CYP2D6 pathway inhibitor and Strattera using the same metabolic pathway that I'm having some warfare going on in my liver or possibly my brain for norepineprine causing me to have alternating moods. So, could I get a lower dose until I get to see my doctor next month? How do I tell that to someone I've never talked to, and who will just look at me (if they could) like a bumbling fool.
I guess I will see what happens.

Who needs who the worst?

A little bit closer,
I know you're not bashful
There, now that's not so bad, is it?
So what was that secret?
What did that prick whisper to you?
Was it playful and flirty
Or degrading and dirty?
I know you like it both ways
So -- what did he say?
To make you so goddamn defiant
So fucking triumphant

Relations, in direct competition
Domination
The players, disguised as the lovers
The best friend
A game of who needs who the worst

A little bit closer
Your lipstick is smudged, dear
Here, let me wipe that smirk off

A secret
But you couldn't keep it so secret
Relations, without hesitation
Or social tact

And as it occured, it occured to me
Who needs who?
Who needs who?

A little bit closer...
Closer...



I feel tired, always being given apologies for them not being a good friend at the moment. The reasons -- drugs, emotions, or whatever. I need them, but they don't need me nearly as much. Each time I talk it's a fight with myself not to feel whatever is left inside. I've bleed out my feelings. I've blacked out my feelings. I've cried them out. Still, I can't rip out the last tendrils and free myself from what seems more like an abusive obligation. What happened to the kingdom, the castle, the oligarchy? It existed before me, and probably still exists now, but it hurts to know people can be swapped in and out as needed when they no longer are no longer the perfect dream.
I feel tired, meeting people. What happens when the dream you had was given to you and then taken away? I can't find anything in life I want. I never wanted anything to begin with. I was just struggling to make it day-by-day, living with my depression when someone threw me a line and told me of a wonderful fantasy. That is long over with, but now I'm sinking and struggling. I'm 25 now and I still haven't figured life out, the reason why I'm still here. Why am I still here? I'm getting better -- I guess. The ER has only seen me once this year. That's an improvement. Right? Please?

Slurping.

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Rub me, but don't touch.

Thigh massages are great. It's unfortunate that they always seem to lead to some kind of sex, whether it be oral, mutual masturbation, or full out fucking. Thighs are paid so little attention, and they are such nice big, deep muscles, that really enjoy being rubbed and kneaded and touched. Of course, it's normal for someone to get aroused if they are being touched so close to their genitals, but I wish everything didn't always lead to sex. Can't I just feel good without having to be fucked, or make someone feel good without fucking someone?
It's the stupid give/receive a massage and then have it almost always lead to sex. I'd like a massage once in a while that doesn't mean sex, and only means relaxing.
One time, while a girl was asleep I started to rub her down, giving her a massage on her back and sides of her chest and down near her ass. The moans and groans she would give were so enticing and hot. The best part, for me, is that she didn't wake up (completely) and just drifted back to sleep, albeit a little loudly. It made me happier than I could be that I didn't have to fuck her right then. Thinking about the noises she made days, weeks, and months later, have given me much more pleasure than having sex with her right then and now would have. Sometimes delay is really good. No, most of the time delaying is great.
Having someone be vocal can make all the difference from an orgasm that makes me say, "Meh.", to a session with multiple erections and orgasms with come shooting all over and everyone enjoying a happy wet, sloppy mess.

I'll take two please

So, there is this person I have known for a while, named Jade. She has been enjoying the new experiences of anal sex with her boyfriend Alex. Her recent conversations with me are mostly on the topic of how bad she wants to have both holes filled. I can sympathize, as if I had holes, I would like them filled. And I like anal, and getting it feels really great.
Her boyfriend (well she doesn't call him that), he's a long distance fuck partner with an obscene amount of money that flies out to see her every two week, doesn't like the idea of me being involved at all. Not that I can blame him too much. Most guys are homophobic and wouldn't want to be involved in that kind of scene anyway, no matter how much it turns them on watching porn and thinking about it. Double standard for double penetration, eh?
Either way, I'm not cool enough for casual sex and it's something that I don't think I would be into. Or even sex often with friends. I think sex with friends is great, when you both need it, but to use friendship as an excuse to have a fuck buddy can lead to bad things. Sex always leads to bad things, anyway. It's addictive, gives you a rush almost as good as heroin in the vein, and you want more and more, and then there is the associated jealously that inevitably begins with such a fun activity. You want it. You want it all to yourself. You don't want to share.
I know some people think they can share, or can suppress their emotions enough to seem like they are noble and open to everything, but I think it's kind of bullshit. I don't know how they have the mental control to do that, and I don't know what is going on in their minds. Somehow some people manage, and I've met a few through friends now I guess and they live that lifestyle seemingly well, but I can't understand it.
Jealousy has always played a big part in my life. It's the feeling that won't go away and it's the feeling that can turn me into a mean and spiteful person. Maybe I just need to fuck around more and then jealousy problems wouldn't ever crop up, but I don't think that would happen either. I would just become attached to every single person I was having sex with and that certainly isn't a good idea.

Change the same

I had a little incident last week. Had an argument with my father. I have been very depressed and suicidal lately. I keep trying to get help to see a psychiatrist, but nothing would happen. I would ask, and all he would do would just say some bullshit. It made me feel worse and worse, knowing that I can't get help and that he doesn't care. I ended up cutting my legs up bad that night and then tried to talk to him again. He was an even bigger asshole not helping or caring. I got frustrated and went into my room and just broke down, not in a crying or helpless way, but in a violent exploding way and I punched through the wall 3 times in quick succession before I finally calmed down and started being more sane. Anyway they called the police, because of that, and because I was suicidal and they may of seen blood on my feet from the cutting I had done recently.
I talked to the police for a while and then asked to be taken to the hospital to be watched, because I was still feeling the same. They fixed me right up, did some stitches my legs and were very friendly. I really like the Longmont United ER, it's much nicer than the Boulder Community Hospital ER.
I went home from the hospital after a few hours, after my hands and legs were fixed up and I had talked to a psychiatrist for a while.
Later that week I went to see my doctor, even though I hadn't seen him in months. He isn't a psychiatrist, but it was the best I could do. I've been on a very new antidepressant, Cymbalta, for almost 3 weeks now. It works wonders - or it seems to. I hope it doesn't stop working like all the other things I have been on. He also gave me refills on Klonopin. I got the Klonopin dosage upped this week, so I'm on 3mg a day. It helps a lot with generalized anxiety. I also have Xanax for as needed, but we plan (well I plan) on switching it to Ativan and even maybe a lower dose. I'm also trying out something to help with my lack of daytime energy and impulsive behavior, treating possible adult ADHD, so I'm on a trial of Strattera. It will take one week to one month to find out if it is doing anything. It's basically similar to a selective noreprineprine reuptake inhibitor, but I believe it works slightly different on the pre-synaptic level than traditional SNRI's.
I still feel very sad at night sometimes. I try to call Jen, but she is almost always sleeping and if I get ahold of her I end up talking about things in the past and that makes me feel awful. So then I end up taking something to calm myself down. I really, really, want to get fucked up and just lose these memories. Redact them all if it were only a possibility.

What's Wrong is Everywhere

Dear
It's a lot
Like the way that we don't talk
Every day that I'm away, I will be there
In the parking lot with the drugs we bought
The hope I had, I haven't got a prayer
I haven't got a prayer
We're small and feeling used
You stare and stay confused
Don't say what we've become
And dear I promise you
A change is overdo
By the time that I arrive, I am undone

Whatever I do, whatever I say
To make you feel better
Every hour of every day
Oh it's all I ever

Here
It's about
The things you see when you figure out
What the hell is going on
And bury me beneath
The overpass and the empty streets
It's better when I'm gone
And when in the dark you say my name
I called you and you came
And it's more than I can bear
You're lost and left alone
And hope is never home
What's wrong is everywhere

Whatever I do, whatever I say
To make you feel better
Every hour of every day
Oh it's all I ever
Hand me your hope
Just stay together
And they're all down watching you drown
It's now or never

Ask me I'm sure I'll tell you how
Sing together now
And it leaves me
Ask her I'm sure she'll tell you more
Sing it like before
Believe me, believe me

Whatever I do, whatever I say
To make you feel better
Every hour of every day
Oh it's all I ever
Hand me your hope
Just stay together
And they're all down watching you drown
It's now or never

How big is yours?

"how much is 100m anyway? things are easier measured in sizes of hair thickness, sizes of football fields, or penis sizes. how many penises is it?"

Bonus Mosh, part 2

"The keys to the castle
(Are right where I left them)
The princess walked in just to take more attention,
'Cause after all, well isn't that all that I've been after and,
After all, well isn't that all that I'm after,
You're so...

(No way out) I'll give up in you, I'll give up in you,
(No way out) I'll give up in you.
(No way out) I'll give up in you, I'll give up in you,
(No way out) I'll give up in you.

I wanted you for nothing more,
Than hating you for what you were,
If that's what you wanted to hear,
(Well, if that's what you wanted to hear)
I wanted you for nothing more,
Than hating you for what you were,
(Don't leave, leave) If that's what you wanted to hear,
(If that's what you wanted to hear)
I wanted you for nothing more,
Than hating you for what you were,
(Don't leave, leave) If that's what you wanted to hear,
(If that's what you wanted to hear)
(It's love, it's love) I wanted you for nothing more,
(Make it hurt, I deserve it) Than hating you for what you were,
(If that's what you wanted to hear)
That's what you wanted to hear,
(To hear) If that's what you wanted to hear.
(If that is how you'll let it burn)"

I haven't really blogged in a while. I haven't had anything new or interesting to say. That hasn't changed, but I can't sleep and I feel lonely. I've felt pretty depressed the past couple of nights after everyone has gone to sleep and there is no one online to talk to me anymore. It's been a while since I've just sat there and cried. It has been two nights in a row now.
Everything feels so empty. Online or in my room. I don't know what to do to keep myself from thinking of things I miss.

"She wore a gown the colour of storms, shadows and rain and a necklace of broken promises and regrets."

lol...

Look at this picture.

Quote of the Day.

Provoking Puppet: if i was a terrorist i would try to get him.. lol.. uh oh the government is gona hunt us down now
Lent Somnolence: it's okay.. the government sucks it'll take years to get us
Provoking Puppet: hahah.. yeah unless we um are blocking them from money or osmething
Lent Somnolence: yea like i got oil in my pants
Provoking Puppet: hahahaha
Provoking Puppet: that's obscene!

Useless.

I've been reading other people's blogs and finding that I really don't write anything at all interesting compared to other people. They all have something to say and it makes me sad. I don't have any voice inside my head lately that wants to be heard. I don't have any opinions or big desires. I'm here. That's all.

This is an interesting blog I ran across earlier. I like their? photography. I can't read the page, but I can look at the pictures.
http://estrelavertiginosa.blogspot.com/

I started medicating the fish tank today. Again. This time around I'm using a broad spectrum antibiotic with another course of metrodiazole. There is still some facial pitting and lateral line erosion. I suspect a bacterial infection of the lateral organ. Hopefully this will do something.

I finished reading Choke by Chuck Palahniuk. It wasn't as good as I expected it to be, but it was an alright read. I will start reading Survivor by him later today. I think that will be better.
Here are some other books that I want to read in the near future:
Katie.com: My Story by Katherine Tarbox
Bonjour Tristesse by Francoise Sagan
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
Candide by Francois M. Voltaire
Either/or: A Fragment of Life by Soren Kierkegaard
Naseua by Jean-Paul Sartre

Bleh.

Well I put in 6 silver dollars in the fish tank and it's only an hour later and I'm missing 4 of them. I don't know how they get eaten so fast.

Blogger changed again.

I really like the blogger bar you see on top of pages now. When I first saw it I thought it was annoying, but now I like to keep clicking "Next Blog". Oh wait, I just discovered I don't have this on top of my blog. Hmm. I'm confused now.

Disordered Me.

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||| 18% Schizoid |||||||||||||| 54% Schizotypal |||||||||| 34% Antisocial |||||||||| 34% Borderline |||||||||||||||| 62% Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 70% Narcissistic |||| 14% Avoidant |||||| 22% Dependent |||||||||||||| 54% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||| 26%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test

Personality Tests. It's fun!

ISFJ - "Conservator". Desires to be of service and to minister to individual needs - very loyal. 13.8% of total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
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Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||| 43% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||| 53% Type 3 Image Awareness |||||||||||| 50% Type 4 Sensitivity |||||||||||||||| 70% Type 5 Detachment |||||||||||||| 60% Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||| 40% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||||| 60% Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||| 33% Type 9 Calmness |||| 13% Your Conscious-Surface type is 4w5 Your Unconscious-Overall type is 4w5

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Do not...

...drop anything electronic into water. If you do so, make sure you have a hair dryer nearby so you can try to save whatever it is you've fumbled. I guess I shouldn't try to do anything that requires thought when I can't sleep.

So what's a good word that means gold, golden, etc.? Something that sounds feminine? I'm trying to think of something to name the goldy pleco I have. I'm pretty sure it's a female.

Random Thoughts.

There are few things in the world better than a midnight meal of orange soda and leftover pizza. Ice cubes that have been in the freezer for months on the other hand, are not enjoyable at all.

Day 46.

This is day 46, if I'm counting correctly. Might be off a day or two. Three more days and that will be seven whole weeks! Knowing I've gone this long makes me really tempted to take some though... I kind of want to. A lot. *sigh*

Gmail.

I have all these Gmail invitations and no friends to invite. Do any of you random people out there that read this want one?

If you do, email me and ask me for an invitation. I should use these up somehow. My email address is allen.smith@gmail.com.

Chomp?

I woke up this morning and while feeding my fish I noticed they all had very huge stomachs, as if I had stuffed them on something yummy. This wouldn't be worrisome, except I this was the first time I had fed them this morning and they were barely picking at the food. I didn't think much of it at the time as I was groggy.
A few hours later I'm watching the tank and notice that I'm missing one of my Geophagus sp. This makes me worried as I really like them. After watching for a long time, I still wasn't able to spot the lost one. I ended up taking everything out of the tank, and yep, there are only 3, when there are supposed to be 4.
I guess my oscar had a midnight snack. Somehow. All the things that keep disappearing in the tank are still too big to fit in his mouth...
Now I get to watch the auctions and see if I can find any adults, as the ones I have now might continue to disappear. I probably won't find any at that size. *sigh*. Oh well.

Delete your history!

I hate using someone else's computer. It's not mine and I can't set it up exactly how I like it. I can't break it either by screwing around with it. I can't screw around with it!

One thing about using a shared computer is to make sure you always get rid of your history, or not keep one in the first place. Sadly, no one does this on this computer but me. There is only one other person who uses this computer though. They don't get rid of their history. It's very difficult for me not to look. Who wouldn't look? Everyone is curious. Argh. Everyday the history is filled with escort services. Gah... I don't really want to think about that. Can't it be something normal like porn? Or whatever normal people look at? I think that's porn.

If you share a computer with other people, do them a favor and delete your history.

Oops.

So I'm making spaghetti to stuff myself as I feel lonely and a tad depressed and I get distracted and next thing I know the water is boiling over. Blah! lol. At least it wasn't the sauce.
This is a good night. Usually this would of made me feel even worse, but I haven't screwed up in a while so it's funny.

Sad. Again.

I don't know why I feel lonely tonight. I don't feel especially bad even. There is nothing to do. I'm sitting here at 2 AM, wishing there was someone to talk to.
I think I might be getting depressed again. I felt cheery for a couple of weeks, but the past couple of days haven't been the same. I'm feeling dizzy again too. The MRI came back fine... I guess there's nothing really wrong, except it sure feels like there is sometimes.
Oh well. I guess I'll try to sleep. Or something.

*****: Don't you like me?
Lent Somnolence: what do you mean?
*****: You are acting like you find me... appalling. D:

Whew.

It's been a busy week for me. I'm glad everything is finally over. I can relax and stop freaking out for a while. I celebrated by taking a long nap.

I wonder if the brain MRI will show anything. The experience wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I don't know what I was expecting. It was very loud and a little bit cramped, and I had a hard time staying still for the 20 or 30 minutes that it took. I kept wondering if it was okay to open and close my eyes or let my jaw move. I should of asked before I was in there. Anyway they said my doctor should get the results on Monday, and I went home with a CD with the images on it. Maybe I'll look at that when I'm bored. I have pictures of my brain. I guess that has a certain 'neato' value.

Next week that psychiatrist will be back from vacation. I hope. I've been doing alright with my depression lately on Paxil. For the most part I haven't had any crying spells, or too many feelings of hopelessness. It's been a few weeks since I've felt like I needed to cut. Soon it'll be five weeks without taking anything. It feels surreal to realize how long it has been.

Hey. Blogger changed their posting interface a little. It looks a lot more fancier. That's my excitement for the day I guess...

I'm feeling lonely tonight. This might be the first night I go without talking to my friend. I don't know what to do with myself. All I can do is think about them.

I've cut my AIM list down to an entire 12 people! None of them are talking to me either. I should remove all of them except 3 or 4 names, but it'll make me feel even more lonely. Right now I'm letting anyone message me instead of those on my list and my stalker person was talking to me. It's not very interesting. No one else wants to message me though. :(

On a kind of related note... I don't like these nicknames: Alley-poo, Babydoll, or Honey.

One month.

Yes, it has been four whole weeks without taking anything. I think this is the second longest time I've quit. My memory really isn't that good... Either way it feels good to know that I can still accomplish something.

I'm bored and alone. *sigh* I've been spoiled with way too many good nights in a row. Now I don't know what to do at all when I'm by myself.

For fun, here's the top things for today that people have searched for that lead to my blog...

1. roboxin overdose
2. roboxin
3. phenylalmine
4. provigil xanax
5. effexor 450mg
6. salivia glands
7. pregnelone
8. phenergen anxiety
9. insomnia and amitriptylin

I didn't know I was that... interesting? drug focused? I sure wish I knew what roboxin was and how I overdosed on it. I've searched my own site and can't even find it. lol.

Oh well. I'm very bored. I write boring things in here that have no point. Sorry.

I can't hear. My right ear is full of blood and it's very gross to think about. It's been 5 hours and it's still bleeding, but it's not running out anymore. This sucks. I don't think I should worry as the Dr. did send me home bleeding without any worry. Oh well. Next time someone wishes to insert a sharp metal object in my ear, I will have to think about it.

It's really depressing when I try to think about certain people in my past and I can't even remember their names. I'm trying to make a chronological list of everyone I've had a crush on or liked and subsequently had my feelings hurt. There sure are several names that I can't remember, but I can recall the person. I'm not sure what this says about myself, but I don't think it's good.

I liked a person a great deal and we talked about having children and getting married. Her parents found out about those plans and proceeded to send her to a psychiatrist and then off to a New York all girl's college. I never heard from her again.

I remember a girl I went to youth group with. Years later, after high school, I was hanging out with some friends doing drugs and she walked through the door. I was surprised, but she was probably more surprised at seeing straight a and perfect attendence me there. We hugged and hung out a few more times after the course of a summer. I never saw her again.

I played this online d&d type game for a few years and ended up game marrying someone I really liked. It was a few months before she would complete her training for the Navy. I saw her once again on shore leave.

I had a relationship with someone who had a boyfriend and a kid. I saw her once and then she didn't want to see me again. A few months later she did the same thing with someone else. It made me feel very bad.

There was no point to me writing this, like most of my entries it seems. I feel depressed and overly nostalgic about the things I wish had happened differently. I think I'll try to cry myself to sleep.

Yesterday I added 5 more Buenos Aires tetras to the tank. Today they are all gone without a trace. No corpses. No mysterious pieces of floating fish. Nothing. I suspect the Oscar, but I have no evidence to convict him of tetracide. It's rather sucky as the 5 that are already in there are doing fine, but now I don't have much hopes for them as something in there has developed a taste for fish flesh.
I think I will attempt a school of 12 tiger barbs. They don't get as large lengthwise as the one's that are missing, but they have a steeper vertical profile. Certainly a larger mouthful.
If those don't go over well I'll spend a ridiculous $150 or so for some large rainbowfish. Admittedly they are really pretty, so it's okay for me to spend that much on fish.
lol.

I am awake on one hour of sleep. It's not very fun. I have consumed caffiene, phenylalmine, and half a Provigil (for my narcolepsy) that I usually never take. I'm not sure if I notice anything.

I had a nice dream of being a young lady in New Orleans with a dick. While showering in the dream an unknown woman was kind enough to jerk me off.

(describing my grossness) lol.

Lent Somnolence: i look like a stoned, unshaven, mexican bandito in pajamas
Lent Somnolence: its kind of sexy in a masculine way
Provoking Puppet: eww

Just an update...

Yes, I'm still awake, but that's not really unusual. It's only 4am. I feel lonely and wish I could be held.
I made it through tonight (so far) and I think I'll be okay until I fall asleep in 2 or 3 hours, or however long it takes me. Maybe I won't fall asleep tonight, because of how I feel. But I should be fine.
I ended up doing a little cutting. Which sucks. I have been able to go without doing that for almost a month probably. I haven't really been keeping track though. It's not like I'm worried about it very much, it's just a disgraceful way of coping with things and letting me regain control of my emotions. It's always been a substitute for drug abuse, and before I knew about drugs it was my way of coping when things got really terrible.

I wish it was tonight and I had already gone to bed and woken up. I've been off and on AIM for several hours now and no one is online to talk to. Which is how it always is late at night. I could call Stacie and leave a message, but I don't want to do that, I feel silly now that I'm pretty much okay and I'm lonely. If I got in the habit of calling whenever I felt alone I'd be on the phone constantly. I could call and wake up Jen and her entire house, which would also be awful. I don't really know what to say anyway. I just want to hear someone's voice most of all. Sometimes that's all I need. Hearing someone's voice while I try to talk and my voice is cracking because I'm crying. It doesn't matter what I say or what they say, as long as I can hear concern in their voice. I feel like a pity whore sometimes. I don't mean to be. I just need it.

Oh well. I'm doing okay, all things considered. I just wanted to post this so no one would worry about me, after how my last entry was.

*hug*

I had a really wonderful and fun night staying up talking to a friend. It's one of the best nights I've had in a long time. Yesterday night was one of those nights too.

You'd think I'd be feeling great right now, but I don't. I feel awful, my depression came over me really bad in the past hour. I don't know why either. I felt bad this morning too, but it eventually lessened. Now it's back and worse. I had to fight myself to not go and take anything - I feel that awful. I want to stop feeling this way. I feel hopeless right now. There's nothing very wrong going on in my life - so isn't this stupid? I'm impatient and pulled out a leftover bottle of Desipramine (an antidepressant I've been on before) and took one tonight. I've taken it before twice with Paxil the first time and Lexapro the second. It usually takes effect in two or three days and makes me feel a little better, so that's why I took it tonight. Not like it will help me right now, but maybe when I wake up I'll be doing a little better and I'll continue to take it until I see the Dr.

I just want to cry or cut or anything. Maybe that's my problem, I feel like doing one of these things but I can't seem to cry and I can't seem to work up the effort to cut. It's always easier for me to get drugged when I'm like this, as I don't have to decide, I just let the euphoria happen to me and let it wash away my worries and doubts and all the blackness in my mind.

I just want to be held. I don't know what it's like anymore to feel cared about or loved or important. People tell me they feel things like this towards me, but I don't know what it means. I want to feel warm and safe. I don't know when the last time was that I felt that way. It's been years since someone has simply head me and told me everything was going to be okay.

*Cry* I really want to get fucked up. It's been two weeks and I can't believe this is happening. I think I can hold off until the morning. I feel so weak for even thinking about it.

It's been two weeks since I've taken any Ultram. I feel good. I honestly didn't think I was going to make it this far. I thought I would of gone 2 days, maybe 3 if I was lucky. I could say it was my self will, but I know that was only a small part. My own will isn't much of anything. Without the support of a new friend that I met at around the same time I decided to try to stop again, I wouldn't of been able to make it this far. She's the most supportive and kind person I've ever met. I feel very lucky to know her and to be a recipient of her kindness.

My depression problems are still here. It's not as bad as it was two weeks ago where I was having a breakdown everyday and crying uncontrollably. I still feel awful and I still feel lonely and I still want to feel cared about and loved. Sigh. I should have a Dr. appointment sometime this coming week, so I can get on other medication and hopefully fix the side effects I'm having now.

It's been more than a year since Tysha died from a drug overdose. As friends go, we weren't that close, but the amount of self sacrifice she would go through to help me was amazing. There was never nothing I could ask that wasn't too much.

Taking drugs isn't a denial of life, it's a speeding up of life. It lets you bypass all those needless bad times and intensifies all the good times that happened. Everyone I know that's lived a life of addiction has lived a full and complete life in their brief 20 or 30 years of existence. I wish these people weren't gone. I wish they were still here with me. I miss all of them.

My decision to slow down the pace of my life and take things one at a time is a hard one. I don't know if I can stick to it. A quoted figure for addicts that want to recover is a 10% lifetime success rate. It isn't a good figure. I know from personal experience how easy and how glad I am to slip back into the old pattern. I hope I don't, but there's always another try if I do.

I miss all these people that lived and are living happy and good lives.

Tysha - deceased
John - deceased
James - deceased
Erin - alcoholic and vicodin addict
Jade - cocaine and ambien addict
Tonja - recovering alcoholic
Aaron - recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict
Allen - recovering ultram and benzodiazepine addict
Jen - recovering Ultram addict ?
Diana - recovered ?

My friend, Sarah, had her surgery today for cervical cancer. I think she had her cervice completley removed and most of her uterus. I don't think she can have children anymore which is really depressing. When I had first met her she was very down and having a lot of personal problems, but I helped her through that and helped her and her bf get along and they were thinking of having another kid. But then along this comes and now the chance for having a kid is gone. I feel upset about it. I know how much she wanted another child. :(
I hope the surgery went well. I didn't hear from her today and Angela was supposed to get in touch with me to let me know what was going on, I haven't heard from her. I'm not that worried since it wasn't a big deal, but I would like to know how it went and be able to give her my good feelings.
Sigh.

I was talking to my friend Jade that I've known for a year or so, something like that. She's depressed from her jerk ex-bf that she still cares about and still hangs out with. We were both saying how we need to leave the people we obsess on and hang out and have meaningless sex just to help us forget. lol. It's funny, but I wouldn't do that.

Anyway. I've been sad lately. But in the scheme of things, I've been drug free for a Long Time (for me), so it's a reason to be happy. It makes me proud. I couldn't of done it without the help of a new wonderful friend, Stacie. She's been my support recently. *hug*

Provoking Puppet: kurdt is like.. the greatest.. you could like watch him and have a spontaneous orgasm just from the realness of him

Nicole said that and I said it was quotable so she said quote it.

(Wow - I'm dumb tonight. I first posted this on the completely wrong blog, that I haven't written to in a whole year.)

Things have been... getting better slowly I suppose. This time around I feel like I have more support and it helps tremendously. The prior times I've quit, I really didn't have anyone to help me through the tough times. It was just my own self will, and that isn't an impressive thing.

I still feel very lonely every waking minute. When I'm on the phone talking to Jen or when I'm online chatting with someone it alleviates the feeling, but it's always lurking there for when I'm by myself. I don't know how to make it past those points. I usually crawl under my blankets and cry and hold myself, or if it's really bad and I know I'm going to cry loud I step into the shower with the lights off and sit on the floor and let the tears fall.

The hardest part is trying not to be a bother to people. I know Jen is there if I need her, she told me that and reassured me about it. But still. I feel awful calling everyday, or what's worse 2 or 3 times a day just to have a voice to listen to. That's how much I need contact and a sign of how isolated I am. She says I'm not a bother, but I know that I can be. So I've restricted myself from calling everyday. I don't want to keep inserting myself into her life, when I'm the past, and she's trying to live her future.

Sigh.
I wish I could find my future. I have dreams of a future, but they all involve her. I guess they aren't dreams anymore, after asking dreadfully stupid questions on my part and crushing any spark of hope I kept alive, even if I knew that it was mostly false. Those lies I kept for myself made me get up in the morning.

I don't know what gets me up in the morning now. I don't know what my reasons are for anything.

First day of the end of my life

Why can't people just lie to me? I'm used to them doing that. It would of at least given me false hope in this situation, allowing me to keep going day by day, even if I knew I was fooling myself and lying to myself.

What do you do with yourself when your life resolved around someone that you cannot be with anymore? Someone that doesn't like you the least bit in that way anymore? I wish they could of lied.

I ran away crying and dosed myself up with an unreasonable amount and am feeling the side effects today. I can barely stay awake and I can't sleep at all. It's what I deserve for boldy asking a question I already knew the answer to.

Everyone fools themselves, but I've ran out of lies to believe in.

I've been on Paxil for three weeks now. I don't feel quite as awful, but I still am crying almost every day. I wish it would help more or be more effective.

I feel so alone and that's all I can think about.

The last G. ipor. died which makes me kind of sad. The oscar and severums wouldn't leave it alone and kept biting it and I had no where to put it.

I didn't take anything at all today. I don't feel too depressed, but I'm really agitated from withdrawals I guess. It's making things difficult. One whole day without. :(

:(

I woke up this morning and found one of my fishies dead. I think it was bloat or ammonia/nitrite poisoning. I knew I should of cycled the tank longer than a week, but I was impatient. It was one of my wild geo's that died too and they were really cute. Sigh. Well I'm doing a big water change and will be keeping a closer eye on the tank.

I'm impatient so I took 25mg of paxil cr today. I also just took 150mg of ultram a little bit ago, because I'm fucking lonely, sad, and I want to feel good.

Meep.

I feel better today. I cheated myself and took 100mg of ultram though. Sigh. But... I started taking Paxil again and that kind makes me feel better somehow. I've been getting really depressed after coming down from all that stuff I took on Sunday. The Deprenyl wasn't helping too much. It helped a lot for a couple of weeks, but I guess I'm not going to get anymore benefit from it. Taking it is cumulative, so I don't think I need anymore, but I'll still take it once or week or so. I'll probably get some valium and klonopin when I need to get more paxil. I'm thinking I'll take 12.5mg for two weeks and then 25mg and then get more paxil then, 37.5mg ones I guess.

Anyway I'm going to cut the meth out, and today I tried a cocaine analog and I'm not sure if it's great or anything. It's on top of the ultram, some klonopin and a teeny bit of meth. I hate taking stuff I really do, but last night I broke down and started crying a lot and it took a great deal of effort to stop from cutting myself up. So today I gave in and swallowed my christmas colored candy so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Once the paxil starts to work a little, hopefully I can wean off this stuff again some. :(

My fish are doing well. I fed them some pellets soaked in garlic today and they really ate a lot and are bloated looking. I hope none of them explode or get dropsy, but I think they'll be okay since the pellets were presoaked. I'll probably keep feeding them that way, the garlic really makes them stop being so shy so I don't have to be so paranoid about whether or not they are eating.

I got fish on Tuesday. They are all really tiny. I still need to think of names for them. I guess I should wait a while until I can tell them all apart.

I feel really queasy right now. I don't know if it's from too much caffiene from excedrine or not taking any ultram, even if it hasn't been a whole day. I feel kind of pathetic, but I'm trying and hoping I don't take anything for two whole days. I'm not even on day one. 45 more minutes and I get to start counting the hours and minutes. :(

Two people are emailing me now. Well starting to. I wrote to two people and one has written back, a very, very brief reply, but it's something to pass a good 5 minutes of the day. I wrote a lot to the other person today and hope she writes back even though I have no reason for thinking she'll be interesting, just a feeling I guess.

I guess the cycle of depression is starting up again. I was doing well, for what, the two, almost three weeks that I was drugging myself numb? It felt good, even if the reasons for happiness were false. The smiles, the good feelings, the sensation of wanting to wake up tomorrow had no grounding in reality, everything was falsified or conviently forgotten so there was no ache left. It was stupid. Dreaming of plans that I would somehow make happen, somehow get that person to like me again, or even tolerate me enough to have me around. I wish I had the wits to make it happen. I'm gone from denial, rage, pleading, depression and resignation. A full cycle of human despondency, one that I can't escape where I seem to hover between depesssion and resignation. It isn't any way to live a life. It's nothing to be called a life, not even a meager one. Two days of soberness (only half an hour until it really has been two full days) and already I'm trying to cheat myself and convince myself that taking something now wouldn't break this pitiful streak of abstinence. I'll make it through tonight, it's only a few minutes, anyway. I might even make it another day, or even a week, or who knows, three weeks like the last time I told myself I was going to stop. I don't have the inner strength to not take something, to supplant my feelings and vanish the negative thoughts. I don't have the comfort and the warmth of friends to hold me when I need it most, when I'm about to break. I don't feel guilt at how I act anymore. The most I feel is shame.

Even so, things begin again like they always do. I've been trying to meet new people, writing to who knows how many, hoping, quietly pleading that they'll find me interesting to talk to and will want to continue to talk to me. It's not going very well. To tell the truth I don't want other people to talk to, they are just surragotes when I want to talk to Jen. Communication is too difficult. Talking is like trying to translate a language I haven't ever spoken. I never get along well with people. I can't seem to relate to them and they can't relate to me. It's all an awkward dance, and I've always been too shy to participate.

I feel tired. I guess it's been 2 days since I took anything. I'm still out of it. Sunday, I was crazy, taking a whole packet Ultram. The only good thing out of all of it, is that I've gone two days without it now, because I don't feel great.

I feel like I'm getting really depressed again. I took too much Deprenyl that I slept most of the day away, which is what happens when I do that. It's hard to see much point in anything. I'm cheating myself of time, experiencing a little slow death every day. It's hard to care when I can't redact those memories that mean something to me. The same memories that make me resigned now.

Today I got my little fishies delivered. They are really small. I wonder if I should get a smaller tank to put them in until they are larger. I'm worried that I won't be able to get them to eat anything. They mostly just hide and don't really come out to eat any food. I leave sinking food in there for them and I'm hoping they eat some of it while I'm not around.

Happiness is knowing you have pills.

I blog you

Whee. This new interface for Blogger is really nifty. It's making me all happy and excited again. I get to fiddle with lots of things and feel like I'm doing something useful with all this wasted time!
It's almost good enough for me to start writing real entries again and not all the moronic self-deriding tirades about how my life sucks and it's never going to get better (it's not), but these happy buttons and textboxes are making me manic. Yay.

Now all I need are some friends that will want to read this (why?). Oh well. I guess that's where I am in my life. Stuck no where. I'm depressed - like always. I've given up on love, as that person is gone and I'm unwanted. I need to put my energy in maintaining some meaningful friendships with people. People that aren't stupid and have real feelings and opinions. I wish I knew where to find those kind of people. I'm very lonely and each day is just that much worse. I can only drown myself in fiction and reverie for so long. So, won't someone drag this crying body out of this dark place? Please? :(

New Blogger!

Wow, they really changed blogger around since the last time I've looked at it. It makes me want to start posing more prolifically, but I haven't had much inspiriation (or is that life threatening depression?) to really have anything new to write about. Rehashing the same old feelings isn't much help to me, and I'm sure it isn't help to anyone else.

Oh well. I feel somewhat inspired. I think I'm going to spend some time making a new template that actually works on all computers!

Well, lets see how long it takes me to get a new design up and running. (A LONG TIME).

Everytime I think of you I die a little more

I started taking Ultram again. This is my third day. Each day I've taken one more, starting with 50mg the first day. That makes today 150mg. Not that much, but more than I want to take - none.
Jen won't email me even though I asked her to not forget me and write to me if she wasn't online for a while. It must be two weeks since I've talked to her. I hate having feelings towards her. All it does is break me.
I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like crying every moment. I feel like dying, but I don't have it in me to care. All I care about is the past. I live in the past with my eyes towards a future that won't be. The present rots away and I don't care. I want someone to hold me, someone to care. I want all the things that were. I don't want anything new. I'm too tired to try.

Nothing new has happened to me lately. Everything is about the same. I guess I feel slightly better since taking Deprenyl and 5-HT, but nothing to be excited about. I feel so lonely and there is no one that I can talk to, and no one that I feel like talking to. I wouldn't know what to say if I had someone to talk to. Sigh.

I upped my deprenyl today to 15mg.

I've been on Deprenyl for 2 days. I guess I feel a little better. I've been on 5-HT for a little bit longer than that, I think it makes me sleep a little better and helps with the depression maybe. Shrug. I don't feel as bad as I have been. I kind of don't want to feel better. Sigh. I don't know.

It snowed some today, but it all melted. It's overcast and gray. It's nice.

I don't feel like writing anything really, so I think this will probably be my last post for a while. At least until I feel like I have something worth writing about.

It's been more than a year since I've been here. I feel pretty much the same, maybe worse. I feel like I can't make it another year, but I guess I'll find out. I haven't done any 'tram in 2 days now (counting today). Yay. I feel like shit. I ache all over and my muscles are all tensed up. It seems like I'm crying every day uncontrollably. I'm not taking any medications and not seeing any Dr.'s, because I don't care anymore. I'll get through it even if it takes months or years.

I miss everyone. It doesn't feel like a year.

I haven't felt so lonely in such a long time. It's not that there aren't people around, there are. I don't know why I feel so miserable. All the lies that I tell myself are coming apart and I don't want to believe in whatever is left. It's not something that I feel like is worth living for. I can't find the right things to tell myself to make tomorrow worth it. Every moment feels right for crying, there isn't anything else I can do that ellicits any emotion inside of me.

it feels like i caught a cold and it's one year old

Some lyrics

I've been listening to this in my CD player for a while.

"You Know How I Do", Taking Back Sunday

So sick, so sick of being tired.
And oh so tired of being sick.
We're both such magnifacent liars.
So crush me baby, I'm all ears.
So obviously desperate, so desperatly obvious.
I'll give in one more time and feed you stupid lines all about "its basic..."

We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.

So sick, so sick of being tired.
And oh so tired of being sick.
Willing and ready to prove the worst of everything you said about.
So obviously desperate, so desperatly obvious.
So good at setting bad examples.
Listen, trick, I've had all I can handle.

We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.

Think of all the fun you had.
The finest line divides a night well spent from a waste of time.
Think of all the days you spent alone with just your T.V. set and......"I can barely smile"

Think of all the fun you had.
The finest line divides a night well spent from a waste of time.
Think of all the days you spent alone with just your T.V. set and......"I can barely smile"

Let's go...
He's smoked out in the back of the van, says he's held up with holding on and on and on.
He's smoked out in the back of the van, says he's held up with holding on and on and on.

I didn't sleep at all last night and haven't taken any naps. I'm just running on my provigil and some L-phenalymine. Just one cup of coffee makes me too jittery that it's uncomfortable so I'm giving up on that, at least to keep me awake. It doesn't work that well.
Last night I just cried and felt bad for several hours and tried to sleep, but just couldn't. I guess my mind is still elsewhere, it seems like it will always be this way. Whenever I lose something, real, imaginary, conceptual, or whatever, it takes me years to get over it. The last time I had to get over something this bad took me 3 years and I never thought I'd feel any differently. After the one year mark you kind of just accept it and you get so used to the crying and self-abuse that it's habit, and it's the only thing that keeps you from falling deeper into despair.

"The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
What matter where, if I be still the same,
And what I should be, all but less than he
Whom thunder hath made greater? Here at least
We shall be free ..."
-- (Satan) Paradise Lost (bk. I), John Milton

I'm fucking depressed and I'm rereading Paradise Lost online. I did a term paper way back in college on Milton's own personal tragedies and how his losses made Paradise Lost and Paradise Regained such beautiful emotional epics. Sigh. I was depressed then too and dropped out later after trying to kill myself, I just couldn't get the energy to wake up and go to classes again.

Late night 5am quiz

Think hard on your answers here... If I had my comment place in system I would be able to know what people would choose. I was thinking about the fundemental truths in life and what singular quality that can be attributed to those that we admire. I know many people admire stupid people, yes all of you admire stupid people. That's okay. We need people to look up to that are smarter than us, and if they are stupid, well at least we're trying to go somewhere. It's the whole point of learning.

Think about these choices, and please no cheating like, I pick RICH, so I can BUY everything; because I then diagnose you as a snot-faced teenager without much on his mind execept how to hide that horrible pimple on your face and just how can I bone that dog-ugly cheerleader, because she's the only popular girl who might date someone who doesn't wash her face. I don't think she washes her face either, so that makes us equal right?

Having one quality does not mean you have any of the others. This is the way the real world works. I'm sorry.

Anyway this is my list:
1. Happiness
2. Truth
3. True Faith in the Divine (any religion/faith/belief/spirtuality goes here.) -- BTW, if you're Jewish by religion and would like to discuss things, please write to me. I haven't some difficulty with, well, the whole Torah, because so many of the words are non-translateable to English cultural meanings and I need some help here. A lot.)
4. Youth
5. Wisdom
6. Intelligence
7. Skillful
8. Beautiful
9. Powerful
10. Rich
11. Dead

My interpretations are on the negative side. Certainly there are (some) good qualities to all traits, but humankind likes to pick the worst aspect of each and live it out to the fullest.

1. Happiness --> (Ignoring the world around you.)
2. Truth --> (Misery.)
3. True Faith in the Divine --> (A path to follow, and a true goal to stride for.)
4. Youth --> (Ignorance)
5. Wisdom --> (You cannot teach Wisdom in the true sense of the word.)
6. Intelligence --> (You are always lacking.)
7. Skillful --> (You can do a lot of things, but not everything, and not perfectly.)
8. Beautiful --> (You are valued for sexual use in the eyes of the common, in the eyes others you are just a pretty picture with no soul.)
9. Powerful --> (Power is a trait of dominating the weak. You pity others if you admit or not. You value yourself only.)
10. Rich --> (You care singularly about one thing, a trait that is a manmade construct -- Pathetic.)
11. Dead --> (You have reached a sort of peace with yourself, that no one else can match.)


I'd like to end this early morning braindead post by saying my friend Erin Mae, who can poledance very well, is doing her thesis on the mating habits of new world (or old world) which one don't have tales? Old world, she's going to study gurillea group behavior and other primate adaptations in social situations and how this can be applied to modern day humanistics, especially a social slant on feminism. She is really smart, amazingly so. And her cats are Garamel and Grigori. She's as you guess very attractive too, but college and such has a damper on her love life and all she can seem to meet are drunk idiots with too many problems (like me, substitute drunk with drugs, but she still wuvs me.), or married sity slicker men who already have wives. I feel sorry for her. She should finish her thesis this summer or next year and then it's bye bye and I will miss her a lot cause she's a really good vegan cook and she's Really superfragalicious'ly cool. That is too a word. I'm going to miss her post-modernist feminist 20 page final papers totally bashing men and using her great Monkey! knowledge to totally baffle the professors into being bumbling idiots. And well me too, but they are good essays once I start digging into them. It's a weekend project, or two at the least for each one. Great work and I think we will see her in National Geographic someday or perhaps even a highly respected journal like Science publishing her theories.

Okay. I'm waxing on about her, because she has these goals and a lot of problems (Wellbutrin 600mg a day), crying spells, you name it. But she's slogging through it. And for today. She's my inspriation. So you go Erin Mae, you have the most vitality I know out of everyone; and I've never seen anyone dance better than you in cowbow boots and full-attire with a sparkly hat in a goth club and get the most Boners out of a room, while all the goth girls grimace at your "lack of style". You got style.

Okay wow. I'm so tired I'm manic. Sorry about that. Time to cut down on the uh 80 calorie yogurt I'm eating. My eyes hurt. And all my loves deserve kisses. One kiss. Two kiss. Three kiss. And four for sure.

Sweet dreams, and best things.

Surprise (Really)

Tonight I couldn't sleep for a change. I am very tired, my legs kept jerking around so finally I took the klonopin I'm prescribed and two xanax. That was well over 4 hours ago. I've pretty much spent the last 5 hours in bed trying desperately to sleep. It's hard to keep my eyes open. I keep yawning. But sleep won't come. I guess this is in a way, what I sort of wanted, but not exactly how I wanted it accomplished. I didn't want to have anymore dreams. Sigh. On the bright side I don't feel sick. I set my alarm for noon to get up and take all my morning pills and then go back to bed if I can (I'm usually asleep by 7am at least), and I set my alarm from 8am-12pm to at least take my stimulant during the day hours and all the morning vitamins I'm supposed to take only during the day so I'm not restless during the night. Heh. Except I'm restless, just like the old days, around two weeks ago. I don't know what I hate more. Oh well. I guess I'll browse the fishboards or something stupid for 15 or so minutes and then take a hot shower. 5am is when my mom wakes up so maybe I'll have breakfast. I have no appetite though so probably not. I'm not losing any fucking weight either. Sigh.

I've felt really bad today. This is the first time in a while that I've cried a lot and been unable to stop myself. I don't know what's happening to me.

Sick

I feel very out of it and I'm sick I think. I keep trying to make entries but I can't get online but I try to write them down on paper. I'll put them online when I feel better. Sorry.

Firefox vs. IE & Screen Resolutions

I wish firefox supported CSS tags for changing the appearence of the browser bar. IE supports it, but that's about the only thing that works in IE without me having to fuck around and do something ultra complicated just so it looks okay in one browser, while making most stuff work in Firefox doesn't take work, it just works. I also discovered since I've been fucking around with my Dad's computer and fixing it up good since I was at it, that I need to change all the hard work I put into static placement of my layout as it doesn't scale to higher resolutions very well at all. I was working on it at a much lower screen resolution and didn't think about. Now I need to change static pixel placements with relative absolutes and hope and pray that stuff renders it how I want.
I have some ideas for graphics to use, but I'm going to work on that much later, but the ideas and early concenptial stuff is working good.

Garamond is good.

This is another stupid post seeing if things are working. Garamond looks really nice once you make it very large and bold, I'm using it for all the headers now. I'm boring myself that I'm going to sleep now.

This is a really long test title, to see how things work, while I mess with stuff.

Trying to get an option title for each entry to work and make sure it doesn't work when I don't use a title. Ahh.

I spent 2 hours this morning fixing my fucking dad's computer. Then I spent another hour or so working on my page and didn't really accomplish anything except swearing about Garamond verses Verdana and how frustrated I was that stuff wasn't working right. I did manage to do a few things that no one will probably notice, but it's some work done.

I'm tired today. Last night I saw this really great music video that Lauren made and I appreciated it a lot, and I thought it was great. With the background music and how it was, it was all simplistic but had a lot of meaning to it I felt. I also talked to Sarah who has a bf and she wants to fool around with me in real life still and I said maybe in a few months like I always do. Ugh. I'm not any fun for anyone.

Can't believe I've been fucking with this thing for 3 hours. Time just passes really fast when I'm trying to figure out how to do fancy shit that I don't know how to do. I need to get a book on CSS so I can actually catch up. All this stuff is new to me again and I'm having to relearn everything, albeit it's a lot better than writing a page in HTML 3, style sheets make stuff so much easier and cooler. Div's make things how you want them to look, exactly. Which is good. I'm done for now. Tired of looking up stuff and constantly hitting the reset button to see what it does.

Bleh. I've been messing with background images but I don't think I can layer one completely on the whole page it makes stuff unreadable unless the image is very light, or if I make a black/white box for the text to be in which looks stupid. I fixed a few things, but the page is displaying right in IE but in Mozilla the alignment is wrong. For now I'm just going to have stuff centered until I get a good idea for corner decorations, probably just top left or something and align the div's from there. I had an entire Avril collage on the page as a background but reading the text was hard and you couldn't really see Avril with all the text on top - so doubly pointless. I need an Avril thing on here somehow, maybe a red Avril star with frilly doodles coming out of the side to the right and straight down, that'd be an okay corner, but I need photoshop to make it. Argh.

I've been having extremely vivid and realistic dreams this past two weeks. I know when I first started Lexapro a while back I had the same kind of dreams, but not as powerful for a week until it wore off. I don't know why I'm having dreams now. I also woke up around 3am with another painful priapism. The only thing I can think of is that the trazadone is causing it. As I did take it last night at 12:30am, but it's never caused painful erections that last for hours. There isn't a whole lot I can do about them either, just sit up (the most comfortable position so my penis isn't touching anything) and wait it out and if it gets too painful use ice cubes on the base to numb some of the pain.

I've been having a contiguous dream about being a private in the army at some school for training, scientific training. Except I'm so scared, like I was in high school and I kept breaking stuff during experiments and I don't know how to find a towel after I take a shower, or how to get food. Basically I don't know how to do anything right and I get yelled at and reprimanded a lot. I'd say this is an almost lucid dream, I know it's going on, and it's very real, but I don't realize it's not real, I just do what Allen would do in that situation, which is freak out and be very nervous and scared the whole time. I have this dream starting from where it left off almost every night now.

The other dream I have is about going to Longmont College, which doesn't exist, but it was a nightmare that I had when I was younger, around the age of 19 and I had dropped out of college at least once. It's very regimented and again I dream a lot about being late to class, and in class everything is hard for me to understand and I'm very frustrated. I'm not a stupid person and I never have a difficult class that makes me frustrated. When I turn in homework or am doing diagrams, like when I was dreaming last night, I was drawing basic cell diagrams showing how the cell membrane and inner cell looks exposed to different concentrations of aqueous solutions. I couldn't draw worth shit even though this is an easy thing to diagram and when I handed it in the female teacher (I think it was female) kind of laughed and told me to do it again and to not slack. I was so embarrassed, because everyone else heard it.

Then I when I woke up, it was after the college dream and it was 4am, and I was hallucinating for real. Not visual or auditory, but mentally. I was like, fuck, my mom takes a shower at 5am, but I need to get ready by 6am to go to college and if I take a shower now there won't be hot water for her and she'll be mad. So I sat there for 30 minutes with my stomach twisting in knots because I didn't know what to do. Finally it dawned on me that I really wasn't in college.
I'll be really honest, but this is happened every morning for several months. I'll wake up and freak out about being late for school and it takes me a while to get back to reality. I know hallucination an uncommon side effect of being on antidepressants , but I've also had the wake up and freak out about school thing going on since 19 or so.
I think all of these dreams are somehow related to how I see myself as a failure and how things didn't work out in the story I haven't told you, the story I haven't told anyone, not even my therapist. I think I might talk to my new therapist if I can trust him. I'll see him in 1.5 months if I decide that I'm going to start therapy again.

Last night I experimented more with anal play and used the end of a hairbrush, made out of plastic with ribbing. The kind that Cassy told me she loves to masturbate with sometimes because the ribbing makes it hurt a little and feel so good. I didn't do any prep other than sticking a finger up my ass and playing and then oiling up my asshole and the hairbrush. I pressed it in an inch, to the part where stuff stops until you relax your whole body, then I just took a breath and let my entire body go, and pushed the entire thing inside and was so disappointed that it wasn't longer. I'd guess that it was 5" inside me. From reading non-biased articles by women who prefer (or like anal sex a lot), they say to use a dildo about 7" long for the best pleasure. I know their clit is about 2.5" inside, while my prostrate is a little before that, 2" right where I can stick my middle finger in up to the middle knuckle and press my flesh up against my prostrate as though it's some kind of male clit and I rub it like one. I didn't do much with the brush I just fucked myself with it, fairly fast, and the ridges made it feel so heavenly, there is so much sensation up there, it feels better than having sex with all the nerve endings inside. I'd fuck myself with it and because I wished it was thick like a dick or dildo, I'd grab the end of it and twirl it up and down while pumping it in and out of me. I felt so satisfied after I was done, which is something I can't really say about any other kind of sex I've done. I felt fulfilled, instead of kind of emotionally and physically drained like other kinds of sex. For my next experiment I need to find something bigger. I was thinking the age-old cucumber, but I don't think I'm ready for that size, I know I can take it, but I don't know if I'd like it yet. I can't think of anything round and at least an 1" in diameter and 5" or longer. Argh. I'll search the house at night to find stuff. There has to be something usable.

I met a friend of Lauren's a couple day ago, Sherri. She seems to be very nice and fun to talk to. There's a shrine to Robert Smith above her bed and I asked if I could worship and she said I'd have to have sex with her, so I didn't get to worship. Erin gave me her new address in Lubbock today and said she will kill me if I don't write to her, so I better write to her, and stuff. I've been neglecting to write to people because I've felt so bad, but I'm going to start up again and make her a handmade card and write on some pretty stationary to make up for it, and I need to write to Brianna and maybe mail her some xanax or something too.

I spent some time on my new look. I have some things to improve, mostly the leftside bar and I need to decide if I want a static layout like this or if I want normal toolbars on the side. I can't decide for now. I do need a background image, I have some pictures I'm going to mess around with, probably so a sepia filter on and lighten and blur it enough so it doesn't draw your eye to it. I need the inspiration to do that. On the right side, I don't know what I'm going to do. I was going to do another picture just by itself, but if I go back to normal scrollbars I think I won't have a side image. Just a static background image, and I guess I'd remove all the internal scrollbars.

Well it's 9:30, spent about an hour on my blog updating it, time to try to sleep. Yeah right, but I should at least try.

I had a horrible priapasm for 3.5 hours, it hurt a great deal at the base and well everywhere. I tried dunking it in cold water, which dulled the pain but didn't do anything. I finally ended up using ice cubes for 30 minutes before it started to get soft. It was pretty scary. I'm not on anything anymore that is supposed to cause it. I just woke up because the pain was so intense, I had no idea what it was.

I'm going to try remaking my blog in the next few days or weeks or months; before I moved it to my own place and use MovableType and add images as I don't really have a place to put pictures of my own.
So if my website looks like crap at times, well fuck off, I'm working on it.

Somehow I lost 2 hours, when I only meant to spend 30 minutes updating the links. The time passed really quickly. Strange, but it was enjoyable to be lost in the moment. I haven't felt like that in a while -- to be so self centered on an activity that thinking about anything else is banished from my mind. The last time I've acheived that state was while doing my community service. It was an enjoyable experience. Anyway, I've been thinking once I get back on track with my computer fully working the way I want it to and paying my Earthlink bills so I have my own internet email and webspace, that I will switch from blogger to MovableText. It is all the rage of course, but I need more flexibility and I want to host it on my own webspace, so putting in pictures won't be such a hassle and I can host them on my own site. I feel somewhat limit in my blogging as I've been somewhat of an addict of photoblogging now, and since I took a few new pictures (but no way to upload them), I want to do some photoblogging (of my own sources and pictures on the web) as another way of creative writing. The current metatexual experiments are intriguing and enjoyable to participate in and I want to think of a way to do that to my site, probably a form of linkism experimentation with a social aspect to see how online groups respond and react to and track the linking trends. Anyway, that's a ways off, but it's a project I want to implement in this, and I guess that means going public, but who cares. Or maybe I'll have to blogs, one that's experimental and this one, that remains for the most part unchanged in how I journal (pretty much the same since I started blogging).
Anyway, I'm finally off to other places, now that I wasted 2 hours that I was supposed to be doing Other things. So that's all for now.

I woke up this morning to a postcard. It made me so happy for a few minutes that I forgot why I feel so bad. I think I'm going to try to write about it, the real reason behind my current depression and how awful I feel right now. I don't know if I can, but I can't stop the memories from running through my mind, from start to finish and then all over again, like my entire brain is set on repeat. I'm hemoragging hurt for not letting the fantasy continue; what I've never let anyone know. I still don't, but written words will give the memory a safe place to sleep and let me finally sleep, dreaming of what I never had.
::cry::

Good morning Colorado. I see your pink clouds pouring over the sky now, sun peeking up, oh how dusty looking you are, guess it's going to be another overcast day with your mood. The pink and the sky blue air mingle together now, congregrate and slowly with its doleful pace brings us to today.

And I'm awake. 3 pills of ambien (yes I did swallow them), and 3 pills of trazadone. I'm not the least bit tired and that 1.5 hours ago. So dear, I don't know what to so. I'm going to make myself some french toast, and go play in the shower some more.

You see I made this discovery that I already knew about. When someone was first teaching me about anal play, more like frighting me about it, but nonetheless teaching me - something, I'm sure I learned something from those scared moments. To get back on topic, however, I played for a while [location: shower], and sure enough it all came back to me. The little things that I knew. The strange way that my hard cock goes limp, slowly, slowly as if it is being choked, as it is still full of blood. It's a strange sight. Well anyway, it too has its ups and downs as I well finger my through this, reach points of hallucinatory fireworks behind my eyes and reaching other places that are just too tense right now, too unsure of myself and that red cock slowly goes back down (what a tired thing it must be). I'm more sure of myself now, knowing just where to push Down inside me to make a little tickle feeling inside, just right where my prostrate is. Tiny fireworks, for something, a bit more explosive, I need something phallus shaped, but can I get it in me? I don't even have the proper kind of lube with me, this was a spur of a moment thing. Oil lubricant is to thin and too runny. I need something thick, something that stays on the surface of my flesh, my ass, and whatever I'm putting in it. All I have for now is shampoo bottle, hardly eny length at all -- this is going to be disappointing. Yeah right, I don't even think I can put that in me right, I haven't played anally in a serious way in a very, very long time; I'm much too tense for that. I decide who cares, lets find out and see if I'm wrong. I lather the bottle up with oil trying to get it to congeal to the plastic as best as I can, not very good at all, I lube both fingers up and run them up and down my asshole making sure that it too has some lubrication and last but not least I finger the outside of my anus and make sure it's slicked up, all while fireworks and a moan is going off in the back of my head. God that feels good rubbing the outside of my ass. I was afraid to admit, but someone rimming feels really fucking good, I was just scared that they'd ask me to do it. I didn't know what to do. I was scared they might be dirty or whatever. I don't care anymore, as long as they are wasted, I want to taste their asshole and run my tongue in a circle around that indelible flesh and listen to their soft whimperings and moanings, wondering what they are thinking about right now. I'm thinking of something hard and warm right now, but I don't have a guy around who will fuck me how I want it. So I'm back to this bottle. It's so hard, foreign and alien. I'm scared now, even before I never tried something this big. I try to veer for the best way to get in me, first on my back, legs up in the air, then crouched on my knees and lowering myself on top of it. There I can feel it, slowly, a little bit painful without enough lube, but not hurting, feel it enter me and I encounter the top of the bottle before I know it. I'm saddened at the thought. I know I can't fit that in me -- yet, or ever. But I really wish I had a dildo somewhere so I could manipulate it just right, the pressure of one or two fingers inside me pushing against my prostate, I need more pressure, more flesh, all of it inside me. I know where my prostate is laying ready for me to tease it, to rub it, to fuck it, and it's ready to make me cum. I almost came just sliding one finger inside and running circles around my sphicter, those were orgasmic like eruptions in the back of my head and the beginning of my whole body shaking, but I stopped. When I come for the first time, I want to come with something inside me, rubbing my prostrate, and oh how good does it feel. I can't wait until tomorrow to search for something more suitable and longer. I want it now, more than I've ever wanted anything sexually.