My life, is falling apart, and I don't care.

elliot smith, powder, a cd case with the name letting off the happiness, and tears

I am a slave.

plecosaur: promises when you are locked underground and the only light you see are of free people are hard to keep
plecosaur: you know you are a slave. you know are are the least in society, the shuned the worst of any kind of person
plecosaur: slave to depression. to anxiety. to life.
plecosaur: the pain someone with mental illnss suffers is like whip scars on your back, scabbed, half-healing and each time you make it out into the daylight you get whipped again, for not understanding, for making mistakes, but most of all for being yourself. You bleed, you can't even cry anymore, just silent tears you are shoved into your hole to to live out your life as a slave, rejected and refused and spit upon by those that walk by each day refusing to care or even understand.

I'm left and losing, behind and closing.

17:51:19 plecosaur: time is running out, i'm sitting on at the bus stop, watching busses go buy, but none of them are right for me. and when, oh when, will the right one arrive and take me where i want to be
17:52:18 tea42 to plecosaur: You just have to get on one and ride
17:53:23 plecosaur: but see i'm scared. where might it take me, and will it wreck again and lead me down another path of depression and suicide? how do i know which one is right and which one can i take a chance on?

Pokemon? No.

"Mental illness is not pokemon."
-Me in chat

Blurred.

I saw "TylerDurden" on Crazy Meds yesterday.

The first rule of Crazy Talk is - you do not talk about Crazy Talk. The second rule of Crazy Talk is - you DO NOT talk about Crazy Talk. Third rule of Crazy Talk, someone yells "I'm normal!", goes psychotic, or commits suicide, the talk is over. Fourth rule, only two crazies a talk. Fifth rule, one talk at a time, fellas. Sixth rule, take medication, wear pajamas. Seventh rule, talks will go on as long as they have to. And the eighth and final rule, if this is your first night at Crazy Talk, you have to talk.

Just please listen to me.

This is from chat last night. I spill my _heart_ and tell things that no one has ever heard and no one responds or cares. The other night I told the full story of being raped and no one said anything for 10 minutes. I'm giving up on support. I don't want support. I just want compassion and a 'sorry'.

This is about my early childhood and the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse I went to. It's brief and I don't want to think it about more. But it's an insight into who I am and how I turned out this messed up and how I want to die everyday.
Trigger Trigger
04:10:56 plecosaur: i can't remember. i don't remember my childhood. it was hysically and emotionally abusive
04:11:11 plecosaur: i start remembering at about 14 where i refusing to let myself get physically hurt
04:11:21 plecosaur: i have no childhood. it's gone. and i don't want to remember it
04:12:06 plecosaur: the strongest memory i have of my childhood is being three and threatening my dad if he hurt me i would throw this huge rock (for me at 3) at him and kill him
04:12:11 plecosaur: that's about it
04:13:07 plecosaur: yeah but you certainly didn't express feelings of killing your parents at THREE
04:13:29 plecosaur: all i know is he came into my room each night. and then i remember nothing
04:13:43 plecosaur: one time i kneed him while he was doing.. that thing. and gave him a black eye
04:13:58 plecosaur: you don't do that shit at 3 years old
04:14:16 plecosaur: and i also broke a glass bottle over his head another time because i remembered the hurt
04:14:31 plecosaur: and it was my glass bottle that i collected ants in
04:14:34 plecosaur: it was a bell jar
04:15:04 plecosaur: is anyone actually listening? or am i blathering
04:16:28 plecosaur: wish someone would just say sorry. i spill my heart and no one cares
04:16:47 plecosaur: i never shared that in that
detail and no one cares

The sexual abuse lasted until about 5 or 6 I think. The physical lasted until I was 14 and could defend myself. The emotional abuse is still there. I'm 25.

I hate my past. Please make it go away.

Past things locked up.

15:43:46 plecosaur: trapped inside a mind, screaming no, but you can't say the right words because i've forgotten how to talk and i'm floating above my head watching and crying

Biting my tongue.

I am in withdrawal from chat. I am worried about a couple of people that I've met from there. I just want to make sure they are okay. I feel like it gives me a bit of purpose to help out a few people, and I get to meet some very wonderful people along the way. Made a good friend last night that I'm worrying about, but I'm a natural worrier. The other person I'm worrying about I haven't heard from in 2 days I think, and she's going through heroin withdrawal. I tried to give her as good advice as I could and told her to email me, but she hasn't. I hope she isn't in the hospital. It's hard to make my mind not worry. It's what I do. I either feel bad or I worry. A few rare times I feel happy. It's weird when I am crying and then I feel happy for a few minutes, and then I cry because someone's words touch me, but I'm still smiling. It's what I call mixed head and confused body syndrome.

I want chat to be up just so I can see if my new friend comes online, and the other friend I've been worried about.

It's been my focal point for these past couple of weeks and now I feel lost and without a purpose. What do I fill this empty time up with? I don't want to fill it with more tears, they flow often enough, but I don't know what else to do.

I'm Disordered.

I most likely took this thing months ago, but since it's making the rounds again I took it again. I haven't had a pdoc diagnose me with any personality disorders, so I can't say much for the (in)validity of this, but it's still fun.

I have a therapist meeting in a couple of hours. Like always, I don't know what to say. I was supposed to come up with some goals we could work towards. Meh. I'll make it up as I go in the session. I don't really have any outstanding goals except drug abuse & addiction, and getting to the point where I can say that my depression is in remission.

On an unrelated note, I like the new Bright Eyes CDs. I'm not sure how much though. I like the 'experimental' album quite a bit, contrary to other people's opinions. The other album is good too, but I need to listen to it when I'm really depressed to get a better feel for it I think, but I like a few songs in particular on it, especially the last track.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

The days between here and now.

Yesterday was the visit with the psychiatrist. I hadn't had any sleep. I was full of anxiety. She took me off the xanax & strattera, wants to keep trying the eskalith (sigh), increased the cymbalta to 90mg, and kept the klonopin the same. Gave me 200mg for the bad insomnia and said to call if continues and we will try 300mg, or 200mg and ambien at the same time. Tomorrow is the therapist and I'm supposed to talk about goals we want to work on. Ehh. I have no idea. I'll make it up as I go.