I have been in the hospital and it really sucked. I don't do drugs anymore, I guess that's the only good of it. Sorry I haven't writen in a long time.

I've been ignoring my blog too much. I guess I just haven't had anything to write or haven't felt like writing.
Things in my life are going well right now, if they are confusing. There are people that like me, and I like some of them. I guess that's a good summary. I'm enjoying talking to the ones I do like, but I dislike those that bother me, but I don't know how to be mean enough to make them leave me alone.

What else. I got a prescription for 2mg Xanax 100tabs a month!!! And what's even more crazy I got 10mg Hydros 90 a month?! 3 Refills on both. I'm going to sell 60 hydros for 200 and keep the rest for me. I know bad Allen, but they are good for when I need them (tension headaches), but they also make you feel like you're in heaven, far better than heroin or anything.

I miss Erin. She's on her way home now, driving from CA to TX. I hope she's okay. I can't wait until she gets home so I can talk to her. I miss her a lot.

Stupid happy birthday to me.

Celebrate.

Well, I've talked to Sarah for about 2 hours on the phone last night. I was surprisingly comfortable, but I swalled about 25 pills too, so I don't know how much of it was my medication and how much of it was just me being comfortable. Either way it was an enjoyable time talking to her and she'll become a good friend, yet, unfortunately she lives all the way in Iowa. Both of us want to visit, but we have to sneak around her b/f back which makes me uncomfortable, as physical things will probably happen when we stay together even though we are both shy and quiet people, we've expressed a desire that we like each other.

I love Erin at the same time, and my feelings towards Sarah are confusing to say the least. Right now, I guess I'm treating Sarah as a close friend that I happen to like, which happens to me all the time, so I'm used to that, but she likes me back, and it usually doesn't work like that.

I'm a very confused person and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I've probably hurt Ardere a great deal, I haven't heard from her in a long time. Haven't seen her on MSN and she hasn't responded to my last e-mail which was well over a week ago.

I'm a horrible person it feels like.

Been spending the past couple of days talking to Sarah quite a bit. She's someone new that I just met recently from the forum. She's really depressed about a lot of things and it makes me feel sad. I try to cheer her up, and I think I must, or at least I distract her. I usually talk to her for at least 6 hours a night now. Was supposed to call her tonight, but her b/f was there, which would of made things uncomfortable. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to call. I'm pretty nervous about it. But I did a lot of things today that I would of been nervous about and wasn't really nervous. She likes me a lot, more than I want her to, as she would cheat on her b/f with me, no question, and that isn't good, even if her b/f is an asshole. I just don't like to get involved in situations like that.
And there is the whole Erin thing. I love her, and I don't want to start feeling things for other people and I kind of like Sarah already. I need to balance things out. I'm supposed to see Erin this Oct., and I'm supposed to see Sarah sometime relatively soon, whenever we figure out a good time to sneak around behind her b/f's back. Ugh.

Well that's my little drama for the past couple days.

I slept 9 hours! I really really screwed up I guess. I couldn't find my meds this morning and asked who took them and my Dad said I told him to take them, which I think is a big lie, but I have no proof as I can't remember any of that night.

All I anted to do was fall asleep, which I accomplished, but my mom said I was stumbling all around and hitting my head into things.

Ugh. I hate living here and having people see what I'm like.

I've been so anxious lately, it's really starting to scare me. It's feeling like how I used to feel when I lived here a long time ago, always in constant fear.
My antianxiety meds aren't working either. I just took 38 pills, when 1 used to work just fine, and so far I don't feel any different. This really sucks. I'm going to have to stop taking them for at least a month, probably more like 6 months before they will do anything for me again.

I don't know how I can survive that long. I'm not used to feeling like this and I cannot deal with it.

I just want to break down and cry.

Reason why you shouldn't do drugs: You talk to a guy that you've only talked to once before, end up talking to him for 3 hours. Later in the week, you have completely forgotten that you've talked to this person and what you said to them, because you were on drugs, they say hi and ask if we're still doing that 'thing'. You go what? And you feel like you're upsetting them, because you don't remember anything, but you haven't talked to this person in at least a month. Then you go check your chat log and discover you did talk to him, 3 days ago, for 3 hours, and said some racey stuff and made plans to meet him in a hotel at the end of the month, to probably have sex, even though it was unstated.

He's a nice person, really is, but never would I have done that if I was sober, and what's worse is I don't remember talking to him which makes me feel bad.

Life is horrid and I'm scared of myself and what I do when I'm on drugs, which is like everyday. I hate not remembering what I'm doing, and I thought for sure I wasn't doing enough to start losing my memory. I guess I was wrong.

Here's what my hair looks like now, but it's not a very good picture. It doesn't capture it very well, there's a lot more shimmer and you can't see the subtle pink undertones to it. It looks really pretty, this color or hair dye is definately a favorite that I'll keep using.

Well today is the first day on a different antidepressent, I already feel sick, but I know that is psychosomatic as I just swallowed it an hour ago. I hope I don't feel miserable flu-like sick like I did when I started other meds.

Joanie freaked me out by calling me out of the blue about 15 minutes ago. I was pretty scared and caught off guard, I bet I sounded like an idiot too. I guess Marek and Katja were really worried about me, because I haven't talked to them in a while.

I dyed my hair a nice lovely dark purple color, with hints of pink leftover from the last time I dyed my hair. I think I might need to redye it in a week or so as I didn't do too well on the back, because I couldn't see it, and didn't get everything, but oh well, it looks good.

(still no internet)

Mid-august or winter seems to be the tentative date for when I might/will visit Erin. It's exciting and scary.
My stomach turns into a big knot just typing it, not to mention thinking it. In a good way, if that's possible.

I've forgotten how awful it feels to start taking an antidepressent. I feel so tired and dizzy. These feelings should go away soon, by the end of the week at least I hope. It's day 3 of being on Effexor XR, which I plan to stay on until I get the Zoloft I ordered and the therapist wanted me to try, which I will try, even though I'm not going to see that therapist again. So I'll stay on Effexor XR and switch to Zoloft when I can and see if it helps me any.

Ugh. It's so hard to concentrate.

-
that was this morning, but didn't have internet access so i couldn't post it. still don't, but am using my father's computer to reply to a few e-mails and then it's reading and bedtime i guess.

"They told me my tears created a flood to purge the world of sin and blame, but I was purged of nothing. All of it remained inside me, heavy like a child that would not be born."
Storm Constantine, from Scenting Hallowed Blood

I feel like an addict, I can barely go 6 hours now without taking a ton of drugs. My nose hurts, burning from snorting lines of crushed Ativan. My mouth hurts from all the crushed tramadol I swalled a few minutes ago.
Peter Murphy seems to be my music of choice for taking drugs.

Bye for now, time for happyland I guess.

I feel like shit. I can't get off tramadol no matter how hard I try. I want to start shooting up but I'm not letting myself get deeper into this than I already am. I'm already mixing tram and soma like I used to and I'm on it almost every day. I want to cry because of myself. I have all these needles but nothing to put in them, thankfully. *cries*

Something is cold and blank behind her smile
She's standing on an overpass
In her miracle mile
[coma:]
"You were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away"

A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save her from herself

Her mouth was an empty cut
And she was waiting to fall
Just bleeding like a polaroid that
Lost all her dolls
[coma:]
"You were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away"

A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb

-Marilyn Manson, Coma White

Yes! I got my package in the mail with more Storm Constantine. I'm so happy right now. She is by far my favorite author and I'm so happy to of discovered her. I've already read 4 of her books and now I have 3 more to read, and I'll probably be done with them in 3 days or less knowing me, and then I'll have to order some more, lucky for me she still has 10 or 15 or so books left for me to read.
I can just get so engrossed and lost in the worlds that she weaves. The Wraeththu series was quite excellent, reminds me of being a child and having a very detailed imagination and a creating an entire world down to the minutest detail, it's sad that there were only 3 books to flesh out that universe. Now I'm going to read book 2 of the Grigori series ("fallen angel" stuff, Sumerian/Mesopotamian mythology & a little Egyptian for good measure), which is by far the most excellent reading I have ever encountered.

Happy reading time. I'm about to jump up and down. Probably that cup of chai and coffee that I spiked with mocha. Mmm.

I woke up from a dream that I lived back East again. I almost started crying.

When Erin gets back from California, I think I'll broach the subject of where to live. I know I don't want to be living in Texas, but I can be happy there for a while, it's probably worse than Colorado, but Lubbock is a college town so it's probably more acceptable.
Lubbock makes me think of Amy, a girl I knew when I was 14-15 up until about 18. That was such a long time ago. I miss Amy, wish I had never lost contact with her, but she moved around so much after she got out of college. She's probably married by now and very happy. She was always happy, but liked talking to depressed little me, even back then I was pretty moody.
Well, anyway, I know Erin likes Virginia, but I've never been there. It sounds beautiful, like MA, but more with more hills. I just want to go somewhere East again, I can't stand it out here, anywhere east of PA is okay with me, even if I have a preference for MA... I know I can get money to pay for rent if I go to college and I wouldn't mind going back to college at HCC, and as a bonus I have disability in MA (go me! even though this is not a good thing...) to help pay for my screwedupness. Well this is all far off, and I have a habit of making too many plans, and they always make me feel bad in the end - there's no way every single plan I make can ever possibly come true, and most of them don't.
I just hate it here and want to go elsewhere with someone that cares. Old grove forests and ruins a couple centuries old just make me feel at home and peaceful. I think I want to try to make up with old friends, which I think I can do if I apologize profusely and prove myself to be a worthwhile person. I miss Jennifer, Melanie, Melissa, Nicole B, Nicole, Nicole Anna, Randy, Neal, Mary Kate, Chris Sloan, Luno and Diana. I know I'm trying to clutch onto the past, and now I'm trying to drag my future into the past with me, and that isn't good.
What am I doing with my life? It feels so useless and tired and empty. I write stupid entries in this journal, I spend time reading, and if I'm lucky respond to a few e-mails a day. What kind of life is that? A life of isolation I guess. I don't mind isolation, but I want someone to spend it with me.
Too many old memories just thinking about what I want and what I had.

"A strange kind of love
A strange kind of feeling
Swims through your eyes
And like the odors
To a wide vast dominion
They open to your prize

This is no terror ground
Or place for the rage
No broken hearts
White wash lies
Just a taste for the truth
Perfect taste choice and meaning
A look into your eyes

Blind to the gemstone alone
A smile from a frown circles round
Should he stay or should he go
Let him shout a rage so strong
A rage that knows no right or wrong
And take a little piece of you

There is no middle ground
Or that's how it seems
For us to walk or to take
Instead we tumble down
Either side left or right
To love or to hate"

- Peter Murphy from A Strange Kind of Love (version one)