Schoedinger's Girl

i'm writing because i have some important things to say to you that i want to make explicitly clear. i am finished with our friendship; i'm sorry, but it comes in exchange for those things in my life which i value far above any others--my husband and my children. i love them allen, and our friendship is hurting them in so many ways and on so many levels. i have hurt the only person that has ever given a damn and cared for me so deeply that i can't stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore--that is how ashamed i am of myself for my behavior with and towards you. i'm also sorry to you for all of my lies and deceit--you were undeserving of it. people are not games to be played; lives are not to be orchestrated. i would explain more fully, but really, it's futile--i think this does suffice. you will feel betrayed, i will be your villain, but i am not concerned with that. i am concerned that my husband and my children are ultimately the ones who will suffer in all of this. you see, i can't and won't choose a complete stranger over the love i feel for them any longer--not even to fill lapses and voids in times in friendly conversation, or in bigger, grand gestures of false hopes of grand plans of travel and adventure that never would have occured because i would have never allowed it to go that far. that is why i never gave you a phone number, or pictures, or any of things you wanted. you filled up space. thank you and i'm sorry. what a bitch. the ultimate irony is that i will be all alone now--i've done the unforgiveable and i've been discovered but i must confess to you as well to make things straight. i want no part in any of this anymore. i wish you no ill will and hope you can find it in yourself, not to forgive, but just to let go and forget. do not contact me. please do not try and find me. i do not want to be found. i may be unforgiven by my one true love, but i will never betray his trust with you again even if it is futile and he never gives me the chance to show him that i can change and be loyal to him.

the slow slide downward

happiness is adderall jabbed in my thigh, a brief twinge and metallic feeling stuck inside you until a beautiful smile appears on my face. the happiness is intense, but the coming down is twice as worse as your brain and body slows. fatigue, depression and desperation, and the ability to feel absolutely nothing set in. coming down, i learned ultram holds the sadness at bay, as i plot and scheme to medicate myself back to a rushed and brief happiness. i feel like i live a stop-gap motion movie, film, freeze frame, and film again; until this body can't take take it anymore, and that thought of endings is sadly reassuring.

thoughts i gave away, written before i lose them. again.

"I'm alive. it's a plus. to all the negatives. i abuse drugs, because it's just another way of abusing myself. i don't have anyone who cares for me or loves me that would abuse me, so I'd stay physically healthy. i don't feel right, if things are alright. it's a co dependent's way of living without a dependent, heh. i know what I'm doing everyday even if i don't acknowledge it. i get people to desperately need me, and then i usually leave with no reason, feel awful, abuse drugs, and find someone else, i seem pretty good at that. what I'm not good at is when someone does that to me. it still bugs me."

"stuck holding my breath unable to say what i need, stuck attempting half-accomplished tasks that i cannot finish, stuck with emotional hurt but no tears, stuck longing for friendship when no one would share warmth, stuck being incomplete when i can't resolve this past, stuck on me because I'm stuck on you"

Yay! We can Pee!

[07:57] Lent Somnolence: introducing Flomax, the worlds first drug targeted to increase urinary output! feel confident again when in a public stall, don't feel unnecessary social pressure just because you used to dribble and would avoid public bathrooms. With Flomax once daily, you can urinate just like you did 30 years ago

[07:58] Lent Somnolence: Remember the good times when you and the boys out back made yellow snow? Do you miss those times? Well, good news is here! Introducing Flomax, the yellow snow maker!

[07:59] Lent Somnolence: Don't live in fear of urinating in public anymore and facing public humiliation when they see you dribble, be bold, be brave, and urinate, like the man you are.

[08:02] Lent Somnolence: Has your lady relation complained about unpleasant taste during oral sex? Or excessive ejaculation? Well, here's Flomax, the solution to both of your problems! Enjoy comfortable blow jobs, with less ejaculatory output, and please your spouse at the same time!

[08:09] Lent Somnolence: as everyone knows, the output of ejaculatory fluid is a time-honored tradition passed on from priest to choirboy, and in sweaty locker rooms after a wrestling game, is a long-standing and well understood method of determining alpha male status.

[08:06] Lent Somnolence: this drug seeks to undermine the male authority and dominance structure that has existed for centuries, that god himself put in place for Christians, it is an abomination for a drug company to think that they can interfere with the natural processes that god so bestowed on us. let us say no, let us demand, and let us pray that this drug called Flomax will be exposed as the heresy it truly is

More of the same

[20:24] Lent Somnolence: you mean it's like that feeling where you aren't sure if you are having a heart attack or if you're having a nervous breakdown, or if the white noise in your ears and the slow motion in your eyes and the feeling in your heart means you're still heartbroken