morning mad[sad]ness

woke up to a storm this morning. the nightmares i've been having have been so real, i thought it was just my heart aching and stomach rumbling. took a walk outside to see what my body was telling me, but it's all thunder and lightning, and i couldn't tell if i was crying apart from the rain; i get so mixed up when i'm being pulled apart. shivering, and cold, shirt all well like you had me crying all night, maybe i was. it's so hard to tell when i wake up each morning, what was part of the nightmare and what was part of the dream i wanted.

I'm one of those

You know those people, those people who are great friends, who are there to make you laugh, to make you smile, to do whatever you might need? Well I'm one of those people, but I'm the worthless kind -- not worthless, but the kind that you damn well need a lot of patience for.

Someone can come wrap up all that I have, feelings, emotions, and they are the focus of my life. That's a serious flaw, and it has it's charming moments, yeah, but when you decide to let someone become that integral to your life, they have all the power that you had previously given a close, and guarded group of friends. And they can wield that power over you, as a single person, throwing shards of ice into your heart and immobilizing you with pain and fear, unable to continue with life, because they are your life. The can call down lightning and strike you dumb, emotionless, and so malleable, that what has happened to that inner person that you were? I never thought any of this was bad, well of course I did, but I always thought that I made good choices in life (and no, I don't make good choices), but because I felt like I had made a good choice, I saw no harm in what could be done to me, and I never felt like I had a hold on someone else in such a way. Things are never reciprocal, no matter how much we try, no matter how much we want, and no matter how much we need any kind of relationship to be, whether or not it's a friendship, a love, or any person in our life.

I think I've had a history of things like this, how I always get into this pattern, I don't know, yeah I have inklings about it, but that's an entirely different post.

I don't know if the other person, in this relationship with me, the current person, or the past people, know how slowly my own persona is being replaced by what is being shoved there (whether they are intentional, or whether they are doing it for other subconscious reasons), but I always wonder. So many people ask? What has changed? You know, it's such a simple answer, but the blame is always on my end. In fact, the blame in every problem is always on my end at this point. Beautiful, how things start, and then how things degenerate into such... mediocrity, that I am still pouring my heart and soul into, and yet they can call me a cold-hearted asshole, when I have my entire life invested in them, when I have my entire self invested in them, when I have my entire future invested in them. Well, if that emotion is so cold to them, I guess I deserve that title. I hope not all people see me that way. Not everyone says I'm an awful person, and not everyone says I'm this manipulative asshole that they say I am, in retrospect, after they have broken every piece of my heart and are demanding why I can't still be there for them. Well, some people that still care for me, can realize that what they give on the surface to me and the world, is complete and utter bullshit, and they can hide behind their own flaws, they can substitute their own reasons for my apparent inadaquecies; that's the problem, there is always something wrong with me. And no matter how hard I try to fix it, or make it better -- just attempting at all is an admittal of wrong. I know damn fucking well, that there is nothing wrong, and that what they are seeing, is something lacking in their own life, that they need to tack onto me, in a pathetic, sad, way. I feel sad, that they can't move past this, that if I confront them with it, it's so much of a shock that verbal accusations follow of how I'm a demeaning, awful person, who could never understand living in their shoes.

You know what? I couldn't. I am not a perfect person. I'm not a good person, either. I'm not, much of well, anything to be proud of. I do a lot of wrong things, on purpose or on accident. But I can recognize when, living in their shoes, is another saying for, let me put the blame on you, because I can't live up to my own life, and I can't live up to my own problems, and it's easier if the blame is squarely on someone I love, because my problem is magically gone now.

I hope these people, when they have driven me to the limit, and I have the patient of a saint, and then some, realize that just maybe, maybe, they might regret not wanting to work things through and instead of forcing words in my mouth about, wah wah, that _I_ cannot handle it, that _I_ don't want it to work, that I have never said any of those words, and if those are such big concerns to them, them maybe, just for once, they can utter a little bit of truth. It's pretty scary, I know, I'm bad at the truth, but if they could tell me that bit of truth; you know what? I could understand. And life could go on, and I could be *that* person that you want me to be, i'll be malleable, moldable, whatever you want, just give me the real truth, the truth behind your truth, the truth behind your anger, the truth behind your sadness. Just think for a moment darling, and tell me what really is the problem, and I would be there for you, 110%, but if you cannot do that, if you can't take that step back, if you can't pull yourself back when you're lashing out with every hurtful emotion and blame game, that you won't admit to yourself that maybe, just maybe, there might be something deeper behind such silly emotions on the outside, that I might be willing to listen, and help you, and help us.

Call me your lost cause Nicole, put words into my mouth, put feelings into my body, do what you need to do, to make this something that is my fault, to make it something easier for you to deal with.

You know the torture I went through, you know the abuse I went through, where did that truth you showed, where you admitted to me, how awful things were for me, regardless of your own situation, you could just say things. Without putting it through bullshit, without any of that. That you could just say things, for real. Consider it ironic, that I always sought out dreams, and consider it ironic that when I sought out reality, it was you that refused to give it to me.

I won't live a love constructed on a lie. You know your own life is built on a stack of cards, and that at any moment it will collapse, and that is no fault but your own. Reach out, be honest, be truthful, be caring, and yeah, fucking do ONE thing I ask for, write me an email about how this love will continue to work. You couldn't, wouldn't, and had all the excuses in the world, mostly filled with conclusions that it wouldn't already work. Well, I guess I fulfilled your presumptions, let it make you happy, let it make your life flourish, let your fucking life get on without me as baggage.

I'm sure as hell not letting another manipulative, borderline, person use me as baggage, and I'm sure as fuck not letting that pull me under.

Call me someday, lets compare notes, and see where you are in life, and I'll ask you if you really meant to turn your back on what I offered to you; and you can ask me if I really am happy with who I am now, and where I am now.

I'll not predict the future, but you're more than welcome to, just put those words into my mouth and those feelings into my heart. You're very good at it.

I sacrified more of myself for you, than anyone, ever, and you let it end all so easily. Oh, I'm so fucking sorry I grew a backbone. Oh, I'm so fucking sorry I started to care about my own heart. Oh, I'm so fucking sorry that your excuses that you give me month in and month out, that seem tailored to rip apart my own self-will, just wasn't enough to make myself break-down in front of you. I asked for truth, I said I will work on this, for years, just give me that one thing I asked for. You couldn't and that's it. A small thing? Maybe? A big thing? Maybe. But, at the stage we had reached, deceit between us and your husband isn't something that was helping anyone, it was hurting everyone involved, it was hurting me. You have your problems and your solutions to fix those, I respected that, and was willing to go through a sham of love (because what really was this?), and continue knowing that this was driving your husband to the end of his wits. It's cruelty, and I commited myself to a future of cruelty. I guess I have said no to that, now, I never got to say no to you once ever, not even in the end, you got to say the endings for me. And when it's gotten to such a pathetic point where you will end it all _for me_, just because it's the gosh darn right thing (who are you kidding?), well, the relationship has become silly. You've forggetten I can think for myself, and whenever you convinced yourself of that, is when things went downhill. My opinions mattered less, my wants mattered less, and it was the continual blame game; substituting your own personal problems in with my perceived fuck ups.

Enough of me talking, none of these words can change what a person like you thinks or feels. But I owe it to you to tell you my side of the story, when you wouldn't let me.

Endings are hard, and my heart is broken again, and I'm crying all to fucking hell, and that's all the story you're going to get out of me.

We learn two things from each relationship.

goodbye nicole. goodbye to this life, goodbye to myself, and goodbye
to what we were trying to have. we tried, but trying isn't enough --
we all gain lessons, and that's the lesson you showed me. that life
isn't good and that life isn't what we want to make it, that life is
cruel and bitter, and kindness isn't appreciated in the long run, and
one day, things can change in an instant. it's a cruel lesson, but at
least one i've been taught.

i learned another thing today, that friends are there for you, and talk to you, and listen to you, and comfort you, and care whether or not they told you so. i learned that you can rely on them, that you can lean on them, no matter how long you've been out of their life, or if you are their best friend in the world. a friend is there for you, in a crisis, and they are there for you until that crisis is over, moment by moment, even if they have to hold your hand through it. even if they have to listen to you cry, and listen to you talk of your anguish, daily, monthly, and for who knows how long. friends, really are forever.

for those people that have stood by me, regardless of what you feel about my lifestyle or decisions i make, i love you all, and thank you all, for doing all the hand-holding, and doing all the reassurance, and doing all the things that a human should do.

which is care.

another lost cause, but what a beautiful cause it was.

it hurts, to lose someone over a person they say they have disliked and not loved for years.

is it a competition? some days it really felt like it. some days it felt like a juggling act. appease the monster you live with, or appease the person you say you love?

i guess, you confused me far too much today. i called. i just wanted an answer, free and clear, without it being influenced by him.

i realize your situation nicole, i realize your life, i know it's hard, i know that i chose something very difficult when i started to care for you.

but, maybe i just can't do it anymore. when i want the truth, i need it, and i need it then, even if someone's breathing down your shoulder. give it to me in secret, tell it to me in words that only i will know. please tell me.

you filled me with wonderful feelings these months we've known each other, you've even kept me alive on those days where i wanted to say just fuck it, and i am always and forever grateful for the kindness and the heart of character you had.

i'm sorry that two hearts were broken today, but i can't keep thinking, maybe if you had told me the things i asked when i called today, we could of saved something.

maybe there is something left to save, but this broken person, has a lot of fixing to do, and if i make it through these nights; well i guess i'm holding the door open because i'm pathetic, sad, suicidal and needing of you.

i already closed the door on you, is how i feel, that feeling inside, that lets you know the truth from fiction; says that what i said was with finality. truth or fiction, you couldn't tell me what was the truth, so i went with both, and said what was not just in my upset head, but what was in my heart. if it hurts you, i'm sorry. someone has to come first, in these relationships, and if it isn't the person you love, then it isn't going to be me in this relationship.

i hope your offer to be a friend was real, and you accept that i was rash, angry, upset when i shoved it in your face with a fuck you; because i need a friend before my nights, become just nights, and there's no hand to give me pause, reason, or cause to wake up.

i'm half-way there, waiting until the night to hope some truth comes through, but if not, you know where i've gone.

thank you for those memories, remember the good ones i left you.