I have a secret, come closer, look inside the closet, I'm an addict and I can't stop.

Why couldn't I see that you were leaving? Because I'm alone, I need someone to be my friend. But I can't take anyone who can't stay until the end.

Well, I've shown amazing constraint in following what I should be doing and not talking to people that will make me feel worse. Then again, this amazing restraint might just only be like that because I've taken 2 xanax within the past 30 minutes. I feel relaxed and not quite as bored, but I still feel. Blah. Like nothing matters. I don't care, no one cares, nothing matters. It's all blah. Sigh.

Life is sucky, that's about all there is for me to say. I haven't felt like writing in the past few days. I don't have much energy or motivation, or what I used to have is now gone. I'm feeling a little better, but I still feel pretty flat, and wish I was on something so that I could feel something different. Today at the pharmacy they were out of my medication (Klonopin), so I have to wait a whole day to get it. How many people in this fucking town are presribed it for a Wal-Mart to run out of klonopin? That really boggles me.

Had a lot of fun last night with Bri. Spent almost 2 hours on the phone last night with her. Too bad I spent most of today in bed. And my sleep is really fucked up. Here goes 8 amitryptiline's hoping they'll make a difference. I've used up the rest of my other sedatives.

There's someone on, that I want to talk to, that I won't let myself talk to, and I'm proud, and I'm sure Brianna would be proud too. It's hard though.

xTurtleBluesx: you are a pity whore. trust me.

I'm up to 20 * 250mg of Kava Kava extract, pill form, standardized to 30%. I don't feel that different yet, even though I'm on 20 times the recommended dose. This isn't a suicide attempt. I know that I would have to ingest a great many more, or take xanax with this to have an episode of CNS interaction that required hospitilization. I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm trying to just feel different. I am worried about Cassy. For the past two days in a row she has told me she wishes she was dead. Last night she cut herself, and she hasn't done that in almost a year I think. I'm worried. I haven't seen Brianna on at all today, but she's probably out doing something as it is a Saturday. I miss her. I miss talking to her. I think I'm placing some feelings on her that shouldn't be placed, since I no longer have Jen to put those random feelings on. This is both good and bad, so I'm trying to repress it and am doing a pretty good job at it. I'm good at repressing stuff. Sigh.
I'll give myself another 30 minutes and maybe I will take another 5-10 pills and see what happens to me. I want to know the amount it takes before it knocks me out. I used to have kava kava powder, and I could ingest a much smaller amount and make myself fall asleep. These pills are pretty weak in comparision. I have some powder downstairs, but I don't feel like brewing myself a nasty tea and swallowing it all. It does work great for knocking yourself out at least - the tea I mean. I don't feel anything from the pills, probably because my natural state is so uppy and restless from my anxiety.

to Cassy

Lent Somnolence: she could make me feel things i never felt before. and disappear at any moments notice. things like that make me crave to be alive and find someone that can do that to me. but actually stay. even though i know they never would for someone like me. but they can still make me feel.

to Raven

Lent Somnolence: *hug* well i need a life too. all i do is spend it at home and talk online and read a little and write in my journal. and wish i had a life. and hope i had that. and think about this. all the what ifs, that is what my life is about. i wish you had magic too. i wish i had magic too, the kind that died inside me, the kind that you have when you are a kid.

It's after Christmas. I got some stuff. I don't feel like talking. I want to go on vacation is what I want to do.

I'm not depressed, too much. I'm depressed right now, because I'm talking about depressing things. But in general I'm pretty okay.
That's all.
Sorry.

Christmas eve? Yay. Or, blah fuck. Depending on how you feel, the latter is me. I am going to get fucked up, Christmas eve seems like a good day to do it. Well assuming I can get enough ultram to get fucked up. I haven't snorted in a while, but god, my nose is still really messed up. I'm pretty worried about it and all the blood. I don't know if it'll fix itself or if I'll have to have it get looked at. Uh, Dr., my nose is red whenever I blow it. Well anyway. Bye for now. Happy something. Or fuck off. (Depending on your mood).

I'm sad and I feel lonely. I want some chemical to feel up this empty feeling. People won't last, so give me something that I know will always be there. As long as I have a source of money, this lover will be there for me whenever I need her. Sweetness massage away my worries.

I have stopped taking my amitryptiline. I am saving the bottle and the refill in case I need it for something (obvious I know). I'm going to start taking some DHEA, pregnelone and 2mg of melatonin at night to see if it helps with my mood any. I didn't ask the Dr. No, maybe not, I decide I'm not and I'll just bring it in with me to ask him if it's okay that I take it and if I should have a blood test first. I'm disappointed that I didn't ask him about it today, but I didn't bring my list of stuff to ask about. At least I did ask about some things. He just wants to wait for a while on the antidepressent. Sigh.

Community service is coming up and I'm feeling very nervous. Sigh.

No medication changes. They didn't even increase the klonopin. Sigh.

I'm tired. I did a bunch of creatine last night with some ultram and it really helped potentiate it. Was a good trip, but the come down was very long. I'm still exhausted. Only slept 5 hours like usual, or less. So I'll be going back to bed now. Bye.

When I feel like this I want to feel numb, but when I feel numb I want to feel like that.

A friend came online last night. I hadn't seen her in a week. I was really worried what had happened, and I guess the worrying was called for. Another of my friends tried to commit suicide, but thankfully they weren't successfull. I don't know what would of happened to me if I would of never heard from her again. I would of waited a few weeks and called her number and probably got her mom and would of had to have the whole thing explained to me by her. Then I would break down. Like when I found out my online friend, Tysha Neese, died from an overdose. They never determined if it was accidental or on purpose. They just found her lying next to the computer, like she had just gotten up and was going somewhere, but collapsed. They ruled it accidental as there was no note, or motive (in their eyes). But I know how she was depressed, even though she put up a big act about it. She had just seen one of her exbf's like a week ago and fucked around with him, which I'm sure made her more depressed. I know she called me the next day to talk about it, but she was happy on the phone. Either way, I'll never forget you Ty. Your passing really took a lot out of me and made me realize how much friends mean to me. That's why I get so scared when I don't see someone for a few days. I'm scared that they are gone. Gone forever and I won't ever be able to contact them. It makes me so scared to think about losing someone. I don't want to lose anyone. I don't want to lose my friend that I have now. She's one of the nicest and sweetest and most forgiving people I know.

I'm crying. No one is online. There is no one to talk to. There is no one for me. There is nothing I can do.

Why won't someone talk to me. Why isn't there anyone. Why won't anyone care. I can't care enough about myself. I'm scared of taking pills. I'm scared I'll start to take too many. I'm scared that I'll do something stupid. Please someone come online before I hurt myself. Please. I don't know what to do. I don't what to cut. I don't want to choke myself. I want to do everything. I want to do it all. I want to take all my trouble and make it go away. I just don't want it to hurt, I don't want to hurt anymore. To be hurt by anyone, or to hurt myself. I lack action, I'm inaction. I'm starving for emotion. I'm starving for feeling. Any kind of feeling. Fill me up with love, hate, anything but the emptiness of loneliness. Please replace me, and please change me.
Please do something.

I'm crying and wrote this really bad and short poem. Might as well put it here, since no one reads this and I can feel safe and not embarassed by how bad it is. I used to be much better. Maybe it's because I've done too many drugs, or because I haven't done enough. Whatever it is. The ability seems to be gone, the ability to feel, to feel anything except what is gone.

I'm holding myself tight to keep my feelings inside
It's the last thing I have now
I'm holding myself tight to keep the memories inside
It's the last thing I have now

The feeling is missing
The emotion is gone
The love is empty


Jen do you remember the time we spent at your parents house. We had laid out blankets in the living room to sleep together and we had sort of a fun night getting sort of drunk on grape pucker and butterscotch scnapps? Then do you remember when things fell apart for whatever reason, when we had an argument. When I put on my coat and wet outside in the thick rain, that is pouring down as hard as my tears want to come out right now. How I stayed out there for who knows how long just standing and crying letting the rain and my tears mix together like two lost lovers. Finally you came and fetched me, even though we couldn't fix anything, even though we couldn't make anything better. I think the problem was I wanted to die, or that we had some problem, I'm sure the problem was me. I still want to die. The problem is still me. I still can't change these things about me that prevented us from being what we could of been. What we should of been, at least what I wished we were. We weren't anything like that. We were living dreams the whole time and none of us wanted to wake up from those dreams. I'm still living a dream, it's my whole life now. It's the only thing that's letting me stay alive, is the possiblity that some day for in the future I will be your friend and that I'll have a new dream, of having a friend that understands me and having someone that I can care deeply about that means everything to me. You do mean everything to me still. I wouldn't ever hurt you. I would never hurt you. I still hurt you even though I didn't mean to. I meant to. I didn't mean to. I couldn't control myself. I couldn't stop myself. I was losing you. I was losing what I had left of myself. Everything I had there I had invested into you, my emotions, my feelings, and all my love was inside you and I was losing all of that, but I was losing the person that meant everything, including my own life. You were always more important than my life, it was the only reason I could of stayed alive that long and made so many half-assed suicide attempts trying to get attention to what was the problem with me. That I didn't care about myself, and by virtue I didn't care about anything else. I still am the same except I don't draw attention to what my problem is deep down inside. That I can't care about myself. I just want it all to go away. I don't have the energy to make it. I want you to make it better. I want you to hold me and hug me and tell me lies that everything will be better tomorrow when I wake up. Just lie to me, do anything, to make me feel better. I miss you. I want to talk to you. I want to hug you and never let go, because if I let go you will be gone.
It hurts that I was never able to hug you goodbye, that I had to leave like that. It hurts that nothing was right. I wasn't right. Being there wasn't right. My leaving wasn't right. I'm not right here. I'm not right now. Everything is wrong.
It hurts.

No one was online yesterday night. Not even Cassy to snuggle with and talk to. I don't know where everyone is disappearing or running away to. Maybe it's the holidays and that's why no one wants to be online, but I can't seem to find anyone to talk to or spend time with. Someone that had me blocked for a long time unblocked me (Lisa) last night and started talking, and that's alright, but I never was her friend in the first place, just a friend of a friend.
I really miss Jen and it's really easy for me to admit that. I know that talking to her is two steps back and one forward. I'm not really progressing anywhere probably with myself emotionally and getting any better, certainly not moving anywhere with the depression I have. I do wonder what she's been up to and how her emotional state is and if she's doing alright. I probably shouldn't care, but I do care about her and that's the problem. How am I supposed to forget things when I still Care. I can forget all the events and everything alright, until they are brought up to talk about, but that's alright. I just can't forget the person that it all happened with and I just can't stop caring about that person. I want everything to be alright with that person even though I'm not with them anymore. I want it to be all good and better and it's not. Things aren't good for her, at least as far as I can tell and I want to be someone that can fix it all. I'm not that someone. I'm not allowed to fix it all. I'm not allowed to make it any better. I'm just allowed to talk to her once in a while when she is online and I do that. Sigh. I take what I can get. These crumbs I'm getting are the best thing I've had in months. That's so depressing to think about. That months of my life have been reduced to this, me clutching onto fading memories of the past, of a someone that I won't ever see again, of a someone that is drastically changed, of a someone that doesn't reciprocate the same feelings. It's really hard just living day by day. I don't much have the want or willpower to kill myself anymore. I just don't care. I don't care about anything. I don't have the energy to make plans on how to overdose. I could easily dump several bottles of pills into my mouth right now and swallow them, but I don't care. I care about not being in the hospital. So the only thing I seem to care about is surety. I care enough to make sure I'm dead. I care enough that I clutch on the only reality that is left to me, the only thing left from my old life, and the scraps she will give me. I guess that's what my life is now.

I had some really fucked up sleep. I stayed up until 10am ish yesterday/well today I guess? I'm so confused from all the ultram and the staying up so late. Woke up around 4pm, stayed up for around an hour and then took another nap and woke up where it is now 10:30pm. About time for me to normally go to bed. Which is messed up. I feel all confused. I guess I'll stay up and see if anyone comes online to chat with. I was a dumbass and left my AIM on all day while I was sleeping. I forgot to turn it off. I feel bad because I got some messages from people and I wasn't even away.
I think I'll make pizza and watch X2 again.

"it's not easy when you want to be close to someone... but you can't"
X2

I'm feeling so fucking lonely right now. There are kind of people to talk to, I mean there's Jade, but I don't have much conversation with her, and there's Cassy who is a darling but conversation with her comes by hard, as I'm not that talkative type or her type, or whatever. I'm feel pretty silly wishing that a certain someone would come online, I mean what's the point. The point is that I won't feel so lonely, or that I can share that feeling with someone I know intimately knows how I must feel and might be feeling the same way, and if they aren't well I can feel how they are feeling or help both of us feel better.
I feel so dizzy from the wine. Drinking to try to make myself content, to pass the time, to make the heartache a little easier. I don't know if I will mess with my mind tonight. I have the desire to, I think, in part because there isn't online to distract me from myself and I need that distraction. I need to stop thinking about the what if's.
What if. Sigh.

there on the stairs
standing there
arm outstretched
point and glare
watching the love, fall to our feet
into the floor to disappear

we're finding fault
you kissed her
you slept with him
or you didnt care
it all breaks
disintegrates
this is the last thing i'll take

'cause i can't face you now...
this is the end, there's nothing to keep
this is the end of you and me

as the ice comes down it's the end
as the lies come out it's the end
as the tears flow out it's the end
it's the end of you and me

and so we'll look out on the lake, and we'll see the white light
i said it was gold, it should've been gold
then maybe all the crazy things you said would have some meaning

but this thing..we have made..it can't stop, no it won't stop
'cause i can't face you now

take your troubles solo (the end of you and me)

The Appleseed Cast, Fight Song

Jen,
I'm sorry about all the crap I did. I'm just writing to apologize now because you said that thing and I didn't get a chance to respond, and that bugs me.
I don't want to explain any of it away, but all those threats I made were empty and full of posturing as I'm sure you know. If anything I was the one that should of been locked up, for my strange drug-induced dementia and mania like high.
A lot of the reason I'm trying to just forget everything is that I'm very sick of what I did. I can't make it go away, and I can't even make repartations, so all I can do is try to push it into the back of my head.
Sorry again. I know this is probably a pointless email, but I wanted to say what I could, and that I am sincerely sorry. I'm happy you found someone that could be the person that I was not.
Allen

I've started just putting quotes from AIM conversations in here, as sometimes they are more telling than anything I can repeat or discuss. Or they say stuff that I wouldn't normally write about, but I feel is important to put down. Talking to people brings out a lot of insightful things that I wouldn't normally feel. Lately I've been talking to Jen almost every night and even though it's very depressing for me as she refuses to be my friend, we still talk a lot about things and that part of it is good. We get good conversation in at least. I still somehow believe that if I'm nice enough for a long enough time (like a year...), she just might treat me as a friend, or if things don't work out with her current bf she'll start to talk to me on on a more personal basis like she did when things were bad and she might of broken up with him. Well I can hope, even if hoping seems hopeless and I sort of believe that to be true. I can't stop talking to her. I tried and I just keep changing from blocking to unblocking her, so I'll feel miserable and somewhat happy at the same time by talking to her.

Lent Somnolence: the lack of quality people depress me. i can settle for 'less' (i know that sounds mean) for friends. but not when it comes to someone i want to be close to. half the problem is most people don't want that level of intimacy and closeness and sharing
Hypnagogiac: yeah i know what you mean. everyone must feel like that to some degree, or else everyone would date everyone they're willing to be friends with
Lent Somnolence: yeah.. i just wish i could find quality friends. finding someone to be with i don't think will happen.. but i sure miss having someone to talk to and be able to cry and not feel ashamed and have them reassure me
Lent Somnolence: but maybe the problem is me. i just don't feel anything with anyone it feels like. it just feels kind of dead. and it must be my problem. because people have wanted to date me etc. one person still insists i move in her house with her but i say no since i'm depressed. i don't know. everyone sucks and i suck too. i guess i'm part of the everyone

Lent Somnolence: i don't care about anything. i'm trying to forget as much as i can.
Lent Somnolence: if there was something i wanted i would of wanted it by now and all i wanted i already wanted

I'm bored and lonely again. I want Kaye to come pick me up and do something with me, or do something to me. Anything. I redid my GP ads, because I was bored and maybe someone will look at them and respond. I usually get new responses when I redo my ads, usually 1-3.
I think I changed my mind about Jen. I don't know. Maybe I will talk to her. Maybe I won't. I probably will, but I'll try not to let it get to me, and if it does then I can't talk to her anymore. I have to do whatever is best for myself.

I got a tooth fixed today, the one that was fractured and broke. I guess my gums are doing good enough that they didn't need to do the other 2 procedures. There's nothing like an ultraviolet gun shoved in your mouth, or while someone is grinding your tooth down that you can see and smell the smoke coming out of your mouth, kind of smelling like burnt hair.

I'm not going to talk to anyone from MA anymore I think. If I have the willpower to do this. They just take what they need from me and don't give me any feeling or caring back when I need it the most, no matter how hard I try or how hard I try to convince them that I'm different. I don't blame them, but I can't keep pretending that she'll ever be my friend. I think that was pretty much settled last night. Any problems anyone has are their own and I'm not going to get involved in anything anymore.

Your Sleep Test Results

You show symptoms of sleep apnea, a potentially serious sleep disorder. People with sleep apnea quit breathing repeatedly, often hundreds of times during their nights sleep.

You show symptoms of insomnia, which is defined as a persistent inability to fall asleep or stay asleep.

You show symptoms of periodic limb movement disorder, a disorder resulting in uncontrollable leg or arm movements during sleep.


BTW, I still haven't fallen asleep and it's almost 12:45pm. This really sucks. I don't know why I can't. I have this worried feeling that I shouldn't have about someone I shouldn't care about. It's bugging me and I hate the feeling. I hate this. I hate everything. I hate how I worry.

Well Jen and her bf fixed things and got back together. I talked to her today on the phone for a little, but I was too scared to say anything.

I feel awful. I took a bunch of ultram, xanax, and klonopin because I don't want to feel anything. I asked her how long she would be on, but she left before the ultram got to take effect. So I'm here alone talking to 3 different people that I'm not very close to while I get to feeling fucked up. I put 2 ultrams up my nose and it didn't hurt as much as it usually does. I don't think that is a positive sign.

I want her to be my friend so much. I still want to be with her. She knows that. I don't know how she can talk to me knowing that. It hurts me to talk to her, but I just can't stop talking to her. I like her too much. I still love her and that feeling won't die. The tears won't stop, the pain won't stop, the feeling inside won't stop.

I can't sleep at all. No matter how much amitryptiline, kava kava, herbal sleep pills, klonopin, and xanax I take I can't fall asleep or even get drowsy. I am full of anxiety and I am worried. Why am I so worried? I shouldn't be this worried. I think I just want a reason to worry because I haven't had a good break down in a while. I need to cry. I need to pull something out from inside me and stomp on it. I need to hurt. I need to see the pain wash down red over my legs and down the drain. I need that crimson flash and acrid smell to make me pull back to reality. I need to hold someone. I need to hug someone. I need someone to hug me. I need to be needed. I need.

I worry way too much. I haven't seen Jen online since around 4:30, which was when I tried to call the first time. I've since tried calling at 7:30 and 9:00. It's been busy each time, which I guess means someone is online but I don't see her or Melissa on AIM, or Melissa is talking to someone for a long time which is possible. Or maybe my number is blocked (paranoid feeling). I don't know. I just want to make sure stuff is 'okay', and then I'll be fine. It really isn't any of my business and I should just calm down. I think I will. Some kava kava, a xanax, and a klonopin will make me feel a little better. It's really too late for me to be calling now so I'll just hope I see someone online, but I probably won't. Oh well.
No one is online. I don't know what is wrong with today. Usually there are a few people to talk to and stuff, but no one has been online except Tessa for a brief few minutes and I didn't want to talk to her.
Picky me.

So yesterday I talked to Jen for a long time. I cried for what seemed like two or three hours during that time. Not bad crying, just the kind where the tears keep falling down your face and it won't stop. She found out how I felt about her (that I still liked her), which I didn't want her to find out about at all. But she asked what were my feelings were and I kind of had to say, I mean I didn't, but I did. I hope everything is going okay for her, I really do. It's not any of my business, but I always wanted the best for her, so I'm hoping for the best.

I'm off the Paxil CR completely now, and I think that's the reason for my moodiness. The random crying and the sad feelings and all that. I hope the Lexapro starts taking effect soon. I got a prescription for amitriptylin but I'm not using it. I tried it for one night and I think it worked okay for sedation. I didn't really feel tired just kind of extra relaxed I guess, like the first time I tried a valium or something. I'm keeping it until I can get my new Dr. to prescribe it for my sleep/depression/anxiety and in case I want to kill myself again. Heh, again.

I've been feeling really strange lately. My moods are all over the place. I'm not really doing anything. I don't feel like doing anything. I feel kind of hopeless. I am without hope.

Went out again today. Got really fucking annoyed with my mom and it wasn't enjoyable at all. I don't think I'll be going out anytime soon again. Not unless Kaye decides to kidnap me like she always says. I got a couple pairs of pants and a corduroy jacket and that was about it. Got my meds from walmart but the fuckheads there wouldn't give me my klonopin, so I came home pissed and made my dad go there to get it. I'm all out and I really need it, especially now since I'm in a pissy mood.

I can't believe I took 600mg of Ultram tonight. It didn't fuck me up as much as I wanted it to. I'm kind of surprised I'm not having body movements or symptoms of a possible seizure. That's good I guess.

Well I'm a lot less stressed now. Just kind of worrying about community service. I need to give them a call tomorrow if I'm awake in time.
Ugh.

The arraignment today wasn't very fun. It lasted 4 hours about. Basically what happened was I sat in the courtroom for a long time until the DA called me out and then I got to plea bargain my thing down. The original ticket was reckless driving and leaving the scene of an accident, which I pled guilty to the the reckless driving and bargained the leaving the scene of an accident which was a 12 point ticket (I would of lost my license) down to obstuction of goverment justice, a 3rd degree misdemeaner and I am on 12 month unsupervised probation and I have to finish 24 hours of community service by the end of Jan. I'm pretty worried about the community service as I can't deal with people. I am also worried about driving again. If I get in any kind of trouble during my probation things will be fucked. So I have to be really careful. I don't even want to drive anymore because I'm scared of getting in an accident and then things will be really bad. I don't know what to do. I just kind of want to crawl away and die. Tomorrow I need to call places and find some community service things that I can get done. Sigh. I don't know what to do. One place I can call that the guy gave me is the public library, so I hope they have some hours for me as I think that would be the easiest thing for me to do.

Life sucks. I'm going to get very fucked up tonight. I wish I had more stuff to get fucked up on other than ultram. I need more.

Today was the last day of therapy and the last time I see my current psychiatrist. No new medication changes other than changing the imipramine to amitryptaline, which I think I will get filled as my sleep sucks and if it helps then I'll ask my current Dr. to put me on it too. There are just a few more days lefting of being on paxil cr, before I start tapering down the imipramine, which will take a week or two until and then I'll just be on lexapro. I will have to ask the Dr. to double the dose of the lexapro, but I really haven't had any side effects at all from it which is great. Not like the paxil which gave me a ton of side effects and the imipramine which gave me some god awful dry mouth. I guess it stops your salivary glands from working, and you have dry mouth all day long. Waking up is one of the worst things because your mouth is so yucky from no salivia.

I want to see my new Dr. now and get something for my sleep. I have to wait until the 23rd. Sigh.

Tomorrow is court day and I'm pretty nervous. So far I've confused an extra two klonoping (1mg each), and I just swallowed 1 mg of xanax, but I still don't feel that relaxed. I think I'm going to be taking much more before tonight is over and I will be taking a lot in the morning.
I'm really worried about what will happen. I don't want to lose my license. Cry. I think that would send my depression spiralling even more downward, and I don't want that to happen. I don't want to start doing the really bad stuff again. Sigh.

I want the impossible to happen.
I want Jen to be friends with me again.
I want her to not hate me.
I want to regain her trust.

None of this is possible. She won't ever trust me again. She won't ever be my friend again. This farce or whatever you would call it where we talk somewhat regularly online is hurtful to me, it makes big holes in myself appear and I can't fill them fast enough with drugs, false emotions and hopes, or anything else I can't. It's just all falling tears and blood, from festering old wounds that have never healed. They have just festered with time waiting until the right moment to burst open and bring all the pain back again. Now is the time. The pain is back again. The hurt is back again. The hatred I feel towards myself is back again.

I want to die. I don't have the energy to commit suicide because I'm so depressed. For a while I could of done it, when I was on the paxil and was feeling good. I could of tried overdosing or tried cutting, I probably would of done both and stayed in the shower and hope I bled enough to make a difference until the feeling of the drugs kicked in and hopefully made me fall asleep. I have the stuff to do it now, as I've been saving it up. It's enough to knock me unconscious for a while and hopefully a coma, and if I have enough death is very possible. I want it to happen, but I just can't do it. I don't have the energy to plan. I don't have the energy to make anything happen. I don't have the energy to care.

I don't have the energy to have a life, or care that I don't have one. All I have left is the energy to hate myself.

lentsomnolence: i want to just melt away and disappear and fade from everyone's memory
lentsomnolence: it feels like everyday is something special because i made it another day. but i wonder what the use of it is because i can't do anything to make things better. sorry i should shush.

I forgot to say that I got started on the (old) purple pill Prilosec. It really isn't that purple, like that make they think it is. I want the (new) purple pill that really is purple. I'm on a 14 day course of taking it, one each morning and it should stop the acid reflux problem and if it doesn't they will have to do some really scary investigating like xraying my stomach with green glowing goop in it and sticking a camera down my throat to check things out. I think it's just my anxiety making everything worse. I don't know. I hope this stuff works. I don't want yet more scary Dr. stuff to happen.

I feel really awful tonight. I want to get messed up again on Ultram like I did last night, but I know I can't get anymore right now. It's too soon. I think I might drink some absinthe and get messed up that way and snort some Xanax I guess. I wonder what that combination feels like. I want to cry my heart out and have someone hold me and care about me.

Today I went out for the first time in several months. Went to several stores with my mom looking for some things I needed, conditioner and shampoo and stuff like that. Also went to the bookstore and got a new cd binder, as I needed one and got some sleeves to mail more cds to people. It wasn't too bad. I was getting a little scared near the end, and we were only out for maybe 2 hours or so, but the xanax I took before I left made it okay. It still was harder than I thought it was, but I made it through it. Maybe I'll do some other things later this week.
It's snowing right now. It's been snowing all day, started up this morning when I woke up around 9am. It's white all over and looks pretty. I hope it sticks and keeps snowing throughout the night. That will be great.
Tomorrow I have my therapist and pscyhiatrist meeting which I don't want to go to. I hope she gives me some ambien since it's my last visit even though I'm not telling either of them that, because I'm too scared to talk about it. Oh well. I suck. I know.

I woke up this morning feeling very sad. I almost broke into tears. The medication switchover is starting to get to me I guess. Sigh. I don't want to be back to having crying spells every morning again. Friday night I could barely talk to Jen online and had to leave because I was getting upset for no reason, I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm going to load up on Ultram tonight and whatever else I can get my hands on, Klonopin and Xanax I guess and get as messed up as I can so I won't have sad feelings and won't have to think about things I don't want to think about. I cloud my mind with prescribed chemicals to make me fixed, and I cloud my mind with unprescribed chemicals to fix myself. What's the difference? They both are fucking me up, just some slower than others.

Too cold to speak, too warm to look,
you keep your distance from me.

Lost Love

This is a really great and interesting site, letting you have a kind of virtual conversation about breaking up. I'm so very morbid when it comes to the subject of love and things like that, reading about other people getting hurt. Thinking about how I have hurt people, thinking about the hurt that I've felt and still feel. I wish the memories would just go away, but they won't ever go away. I still remember every single person I liked, had a crushed on, or the few that I truely let myself love completely.

It's another day of not sleeping very much. I got a little less than 5 hours. Why can't I sleep a nice good 12-14 hours like I used to? It'd sure make my life a lot more interesting instead of being filled with boredom because I have nothing to do with all this time. I suppose I should be trying to go to school or get a job or something stupid like that, but not yet, I'm still too depressed, and I'm not using that as an excuse. I just am. I don't think I can deal with it. I still have court coming up and I won't even know if I have a licence or not. Whether I do or not will depend a lot on what I'm going to do. Kaye wants to meet me in Denver since it's halfway for both of us, so I might do that and stay at my sisters until she picks me up. What to do? I don't know.
Jen has been talking to me more. We're not friends or anything as she won't ever trust me again I think, and if I make a single lie she will stop talking to me forever. Which I don't want to happen. She is enjoyable to talk to. Intelligent, which is hard to say about other people. And we just can talk and it's not an effort for me to try to think of what to say, like it is with most people. I wish I could find someone else like that.

Missed posting for a day. Don't have much to say really. I miss talking to Raven, I wonder what she has been up to. Last night Tessa spent an hour or spilling out her heart to me, and I think today she'll just ignore me and stuff. That seems how a lot of people are. I'm great to talk to when they have problems that need fixing, but otherwise they would rather just be in their own world.
I felt pretty sick today. I almost puked for no reason at all that I can think of. It really sucked. I ended up not after a while of feeling that way.

Today is my day of doing ultram and getting really messed up. 250mg down, and possibly another 250mg in 30 more minutes if I feel like I need it. I have such a strong resistance and I'm only doing it once a week now. Sigh. My poor poor nose too. Snorted 2 xanax yesterday and it felt great. At least it didn't hurt terribly much. I hate my life and what I'm doing to it. I act all different around people, but they really don't know the kind of failure I am. Just look a little harder people, please. Tell me to fuck off or something.

I went and saw a new Dr. today at the insistence of my father. Surprisingly, I'm not sure how, he prescribed me 1mg of Klonopin 2x a day, which he said he'll up to the 2mg that I wanted when I see him next time, and he also prescribed me 60 1mg Xanax to take as needed, which is great. I also got some antibiotics for my face and that's good. Even asked me if I wanted a pill or a cream and I got to choose, so I picked the pill, as cream stuff always dries my face out. I just took my first xanax in probably 2 months a few minutes ago, I wonder if it'll feel as good as always and if I'll feel calmed down. Oh he also showed me how to do a testicular exam, which was pretty scary. I go back and see him in 3 weeks. I see the therapist and psychiatrist next week, but that will be the last time I see them I think. Which is good. At least the therapist bit. I hate seeing her.

Therapist sucked.
I see a MD tomorrow.

Blah.
Kill me.

Yet another sleepless night. I wish my body would listen to me. I wish my psychiatrist would listen to me too. Then I wouldn't be in this mess.

I'm worried about Tessa getting together with 'Drew. She's so out of touch with reality, and she's pushing all of her friends away even though she won't say it to anyone. She's going to get hurt. That whole family is a bunch of assholes and jerks. How can she in her right mind date someone that is the brother of someone that raped her best friend. That's fucking ridiculous. I don't see how anyone could do that. Andrew is a mean and awful person and he's going to use her and then she'll come back when she's hurt asking for help again from the same people she pushed away.
Oh well. I wash my hands of the whole thing. Yeah right. I know I'll still continue to worry, but its past anything that I can do. I can't help it.

I think the Paxil is starting to work on me. Possibly. It's so hard to tell. I still have no motivation to do anything, my energy level is only slightly better, but my sleep is still really screwed up, and my anxiety level is higher than it's ever been, and I'm still having the odd crying spell once in a while. At least this Wed., I'm going to up my dose anyway without asking, since I have enough left in this prescription to do so, and I know the shrink will have no problem increasing my Paxil dose. I wish she was that easy with everything else. If she doesn't give me anything good to sleep and anything to help the anxiety more, I'm going to go crazy. I might just refuse to stop going to therapy and stop seeing the psychiatrist. There's really no point if she's only going to help me half way and not address the rest of my problems. I've been in therapy for probably 4 months, it is not going to resolve my agoraphobia or my social & generalized anxiety. Only medication will and my own self determination while on medication to change my behavior and cognitive thoughts.

I'm scared of what I'm doing to myself. Each morning I wake up and I have a nose bleed. My left nostril is really bad, there's blood whenever I blow my nose. I need to stop snorting all this stuff. I don't know how to stop and I don't know what to do about it. I'm really scared and worried. I need to stop, but I can't. I'm so worried.

I had some strange dreams last night. I actually feel pretty refreshed, which usually isn't the case when I have a lot of dreams. They usually drain me of energy, either because they are bad dreams, or they are good dreams and I want so bad for them to be real. I had one dream where Brianna was doing ecstacy so I talked to her on the phone for a long time. That's all I really remember. I don't remember any of my other dreams. I wish I had remembered more so I could write them down. I think I'm going to try to start remembering my dreams from now on and transcribe them here so I can look at them later. Mostly I've just been ignoring them because they have all made me feel bad, but if I start addressing them maybe I'll be able to deal with them a little better.

I can't fucking sleep again. It's almost 6am. Yay for me. I want to kill myself just so I can get some peace from my own mind and it's inane rambling.

I stayed up for a while talking Brianna until she went to bed, and that was pretty fun as I was very talkative. I also stayed up even longer talking to Raven and that was also very good. I like being called 'sweetness', it's pretty nice of them to say.

Why can't I just sleep?

Lent Somnolence: yeah. they were all farmers 'n stuff. it was cool. i dunno i really liked spending the whole day outside in the hot sun and working. made me feel alive. i'm damn lazy too though. so i need other people around or else i'll just quit. someday maybe i'll have a farm and a wife that makes me work outside. that'd be good. lol. but it won't happen

I feel better. If it's only a temporary solution, chemicals or hurting, it only lasts a little while. But during this time of endorphin induced bliss I can think clearly and remember what it was like to have dreams and desires and, my god, to have motivation to do something. How I miss being like this. How I hate that I've screwed myself up by poisoning myself and how I continue to do so. You'd think I'd of learned now? It's just easier for me to forget. To turn off. To not think about it. That's always how I've dealt with things, but not dealing with them. If I hide in the corner away from people, the problem will eventually go away right? It usually worked, if I waited long enough. Now I have too many problems that no matter how hard I try to hide from them they are always present. I'm slowly making some of them go away - memories mostly. The other upcoming tangible ones are harder to make go away, but easier to hide from. I'm frightened by the upcoming court dates. I don't know how I will cope with it. I've slowly stockpiled extra klonopin for the nights before and the days of, but even with as much extra that I've saved I don't know if it will help stop the panic inducing fear and anxiety that even now is with me.

i give myself three days to feel better
or i swear i am driving off a fucking cliff
because if i can't make myself feel better
then how can i expect anyone else to give a shit
Bright Eyes, If Winter Ends

It took me forever to fall asleep last night. No amount of pills or whatever would help. I woke up sweating from a bad dream that I don't really want to talk about. It just made me feel tremendously lonely and as sad as can be. I don't want to be awake at all.

Another night that I can't sleep. Well actually I have slept plenty today, 3 naps. I just can't fall asleep now, even with all that valerian, passion flower, skullcap, and chamomile in me that I swallowed earlier. I'm very bored and have no one to talk to online right now. There haven't been many people on as of late, I wonder what's going on or if they all have blocked me. I've been seeing Melissa on more, but I don't ever talk to her as I don't know what to say. I wonder where Jen has been as I haven't seen her online, but I really shouldn't be thinking about that.
House of Leaves is a pretty good book, but it's so hard to concentrate with all the footnotes and side stories and what not. I also think my concentration isn't doing very well because of my depression or because of some other reason. I wonder if I'll be able to take a stupid sounding drug like Stratera or Concerta or whatever for it. I'm starting to feel like I have a bit of a hyperchondriac in me, as I want to treat everything with pills, pills, and more pills. Therapy certainly doesn't help very much, and getting through things on my own or with a friends help (I don't have anyone close enough to help me through my problems though) can only help so much.
God I'm boring. Sorry for anyone that happens to read this.

I've spent most of today in bed. I have no motivation or desire to do anything. I seem to be getting worse again. I don't feel particulary more depressed than the past few days, but there's nothing I want to do or nothing that I can do that will pass the time except sleeping and I can only do so much of that. I'm really fucking bored. I need a new shrink. I need to talk to the shrink I have even if she isn't that great. I already know what I want to happen when I talk to her, but as always she'll only do one thing at once which really frustrates me as my condition isn't better. I want to be put on something for my sleep, remeron or amitryptaline, and I want my klonopin increased or even better switched with some other benzodiazapine. My paxil dose needs to be increased from 25mg to 50mg, and I hope it'll make some difference then. If it doesn't, I really don't know what's left to try. Luvox, Prozac (which I'm scared will be too stimulating), and I guess I can try Zoloft again. Not too many options are left.

Kaye told me I could move in with her and Tessa (she doesn't live there yet). That is an incredibly kind thing for someone to do. She isn't even asking me rent, but I would feel way to guilty for staying in someone's house and not paying them anything. I kindly declined right now, at least for the present. I said I need to get rid of my depression and get through the upcoming court dates before I can think about it. But I really like the idea, but I have my worries. It seems like a big mess waiting to happen if I was staying Kaye and Tessa and everything since they both like me and they both have significant others. Oh well. I'll put it out of my mind for now and worry about more pressing problems like the upcoming court date. I still haven't talked to the DA about a plea bargain. Next week my dad is supposed to help me with that, as I don't have a fucking clue about what I'm supposed to be doing and I still haven't gotten a public defender yet. I just want to go run off and hide and forget I was ever alive and be reborn somehow as someone that isn't quite so much a loser and an asshole.

I slept through Thanksgiving so I wouldn't have to deal with anyone talking to me. I kind of suck. I don't feel terribly guilty though. Sigh.

The holidays always make me feel so lonely. At least this holiday and other ones when I didn't have friends. I guess for a short few years I had something really great and now it's gone and I'm back in depressing grey season. It's not a time for cheer, it's a time of reminiscing and wishing. It's not a time for smiles, it's a time of crying and hurting. Why did I ever do such a stupid thing. Why can't I forgive myself. I know I won't ever be able to, but why can't I at least push it out of my mind for a while. It was gone for a few days off and on and I felt marginally okay, lonely but slightly hopeful at a new chance to start things again. I still managed to be alive afterall that I've done to my body, all the chemicals I've subjected it to, all the cuts and scars I've marked my body with. I'll never be rid of the memories. The drugs left their effect on me, they still do as I can't stop doing them, but I feel dull and stupid, nothing like I used to be and I'm sure I've lost something - I don't know what, but it's not there anymore. Did I kill my soul? All the marks on my body will be there forever, no matter how much I try to make them go away, some will fade with time, but the bad ones will stick out, raw and discolored. Just like certain images in my mind.
The only way I can purge myself is by deadening my mind and my body with alcohol and with opiates, flooding the memories of my mind with that dopamine inflicted wave of bliss. I wish I was innocent. I wish I was young. I envy everyone that still has a life ahead of them, with choices and dreams and all the good things that life is supposed to be about. Not this fucking farce of a life, where I struggle to get by every day, where waking up is the hardest thing I've ever done and where I'm too scared to face the outside world, and all those faces alive with emotion out there. My face is blank, the only time it changes is when tears fall down my face. My jaw clenches and I try to fight it off, my face contorts because it doesn't want to feel the hot tears running down again, but I can't stop it no matter how hard I try. I just give into it. Let myself sob, let the hole inside and the hurt build up until it feels like there's nothing inside me at all, clenching myself tight in my arms to hold whatever is left of me inside and not let it escape with the falling tears.

I got my babies today. It wasn't that bad driving there and back, but I didn't get a panic attack on the way back in the car. I would of expected to of gotten it while dealing with a new person, so that's why I thought it was kind of odd. I was able to keep it under control at least.
The rats are really cute. When I first put them in the cage they were exploring everything and hopping around and playing with each other. They are still kind of scared of me so I haven't played with them very much. I tried to take pictures of one of them while I was holding him, but they just kept moving around and the only pictures I got were blurry. Oh well. I'll try again. Two of them are about 4" not including their tail, and the other one is about 3" (from a later litter). I need to think of names for them, not sure what they will be yet. I'm always bad at naming pets I think, but I'm going to try hard to come up with some good names.
I was feeling pretty nostalgic this morning. Sigh. Just kept thinking about a lot of different things in the past, not even the immediate past. Stuff way back in middle school and stuff, which is weird. I thought about my friend Luke that I had in middle school and how one night I spent the night at his house and played Super Mario Brothers 2 and a Pirates game. It was a lot of fun. I don't know why I was thinking about that. I was also thinking about how I miss the holidays with real friends and not with family that I really hate. Sigh.

Today wasn't any help. Therapy wasn't that great. "You seem to be pretty in touch with yourself." I hate doing the stupid feeling questions and associations. It'd be alright if I didn't have to say it out loud, I guess. I just don't think there's much point to it. My psychiatrist is on vacation, so I don't get to see her for another two weeks. Sigh. I was really hoping she'd be in today so I could get some help with everything that's going on lately. I guess I'll just have to put up with it, take extra klonopin for now and hope I can make the rest last until I see her.
Tomorrow I have to get up very early to drive for an hour and half to pick up my rats. I haven't even moved their cage upstairs into my room yet or filled it with litter. I guess I'll do that when I get back home and then fall back asleep. I'll probably be exhausted after 3 hours of driving and from a night of not sleeping.
I've been having these really bad cramps today and yesterday and I don't really know what's causing it. I've started to eat less because of it, since I notice that it happens after I eat something and lasts for a few hours. It really hurts. Today I had to lay down in bed for a while because of it. I hope it isn't anything. It's probably just my anxiety or what not acting up and making stuff difficult for me.

I have to get ready for the dentist in a little bit. Twice in the same month just isn't very fun.
Last night was pretty good, staying up late talking to Raven about different things. It's good to have someone to talk to again, and to have someone that is like me in a lot of ways is really reassuring and good.
Blah blah blah. What else... Oh, Kaye told me she has a husband. She didn't tell me before because she was scared it might change our friendship. I wonder why she thought that? I don't really care, other than it's kind of odd that she didn't tell me, and I'm a little more wary of doing stuff with her. I guess nothing has changed and I'm still free to cuddle or whatever and it's okay. Cassy's friend that she really liked got a girlfriend, so she was pretty upset last night and I wasn't any help. I tried helping but I always feel so useless when people have problems. I don't really understand why people seem to talk to me about them, I don't ever seem to help them. I feel bad about it. I wish I was a better friend to people, but I just don't know the right things to say or do in situations like that.
Well I should be getting ready now. Bye.

I don't feel like much of anything. A big lack of feeling I guess. I wish there was someone I felt like talking to. There are people I could say something to, but mostly I don't. I don't have anything to say to them, and they don't have anything interesting to say to me. It's a horrid feeling being lonely and knowing that there are at least a few people that would talk to you for a few minutes, but you'd just rather not. It seems quite silly and sad. Right now I don't want anything except the warmth of someone next to me, and the feeling of security, even if it's false. Please someone fill this position in my script.

I feel like shit. I've taken two or three naps today and I still feel pretty tired. I woke up a little while ago with a horrible headache. Ah, tramadol pays me back for all the fun I had.
It's been snowing most of today. It's wet drippy snow, but it keeps coming down and slowly accumulating. It looks really pretty. I wish I had a friend to go outside and play with me. That would be a lot of fun. I miss the times in MA when me and Jen would play outside in the snow, especially when it was night. Those were good memories and we made cool paths and forts and stuff. Yay.

It's a little after 6am and I haven't fallen asleep yet. I have the opiate itchies. There must be some other word for that, but I don't know what anyone else calls it. It's slightly annoying, having to scratch myself all over. I wish I could fall asleep, but my body does not want to. It's been probably 10 hours since I dosed up and I've had enough fun.
I called Brianna and was able to talk more than before, which is pretty good, and maybe it means my social anxiety is getting a little better. It's not like I have been in many social situations to know if it's any better. I want to go to the bookstore today if I'm still awake in 4 hours, just to browse and get that book that Cassy is reading, House of Leaves. I'll probably pick up a few magazines and browse around a bit to see if there is anything else I want to get. My little sister should be getting me some books that I asked for quite a long time ago. I have read very little this week. I have two books I need to finish off, one by Storm Constantine, but I don't really feel like getting into one of her pseudo vampire/fallen angel books right now. I also have a memoir about cutting, Skin Game, that I've been trying to read, but everytime I try to read it I can't get past the first chapter, because the descriptions are so vivid in my mind that they make me feel sick. It's pretty odd, that I can't read about cutting, but I can do it to myself and look at pictures of it, even other people's. Yet I cannot read about it. I'm going to keep trying though, as I want to know more about it.
The impulse-control problem I'm having is getting worse and I really need to talk to my pscyhiatrist. I'll bring it up with the therapist on Tuesday just so she knows about it. If she thinks it's a big enough problem she'll call the shrink and see if they can prescribe me something on short notice, but I doubt she will, it's not a horribly big deal, it just bugs the hell out of me. I think I'll ask the shrink's opinion on how to go about treating it, as I don't have any experience with what kinds of medications I should use. I researched online and it seems SSRIs and the TCA Anafranil are what is used to treat it. So maybe I'll ask to keep bumping the Paxil CR dosage up, from where it is now, 25mg to 37.5mg and possibly 50mg in the end. I should ask her if I can switch TCAs to one that doesn't interact with the paroxetine so I can have a higher dose of it. Imipramine works really well, but I'm limited to a very low dose because of the Paxil. I also need to find some *fucking* way to have her prescribe a higher dose of benzo's and preferably something other than klonopin for the day. It is hardly helping at all. The RLS at night is slightly better, but my anxiety is through the roof and I think that's causing all the face picking, tricotillomania, and bruxing. Maybe if I sound desperate enough she'll at least increase the klonopin to 1mg, which still is no where near enough. Sigh. What I really want is 10mg of valium at night with 1-2mg of klonopin and 3mg of xanax xr taken in the morning. Yeah right, I know that will never happen with this shrink. I can't wait to switch to the other shrink as he's not benzophobic so my anxiety will finally get under control and I can feel like I have my life back again and can start getting my life going - finally.

Loneliness feels palpable, like this empty spot inside your body that you're not quite sure how to replace. It's always there when you're alone, it's always there when you're around people and wishing that you were close to them and that they understood you. It never really goes away. Sometimes someone fills up that empty part of you, but it just makes it worse in the end. When they leave the hole is bigger than before, it's colder and darker. You remember all the feelings that they filled it with, all the warmth and compassion, and all the unmitigated love they gave. Now all you have for company are tears. The salt sting they bring might as well be the harsh words of a stranger, but they know your face intimately, all the curves, all the imperfections that you hide from the world, all the secrets that you wish you could share.
Drugs are like a stranger you invite into your house. You're so empty inside that you want the company of anyone, you don't care who they are, you're so desperate. All those secrets you wish you could tell, you tell all to this stranger, because you know they'll be gone in a few hours and you won't see them again until the next time. You wish the next time wouldn't happen, you wish the first time never happened. But you can't stop it, whenever you're alone you can rely on that stranger, knowing they won't hurt you, knowing they won't betray you, knowing that they won't leave you. You can give them everything and they'll take it all away, all the emptiness, all the hurt, all the pangs of the heart that keep you up at night.

My sleep isn't getting any better, I woke up and my jaws hurt from bruxing while I was asleep. Ugh. And all the other things are still there too. The depression seems to be subsiding, I'm not too moody or mopey. I still have my moments, but they are few and far between.

I met someone yesterday online and talked to her for several hours. That was surprising for me as I didn't really want to stay on for that long, but she kept asking me interesting things and the conversation flowed smoothly so I stayed on until she had to go. I think she'll be a good friend. I don't see her online today, which kind of makes me a little sad, but it is a Friday afterall.

Last night I talked to Tessa for a while, and she apologized for what she said to me, which wasn't necessary at all, but was a nice gesture. We actually talked for a while, which is a new thing, and it was nice until she started the whole infantalism/adult baby thing with me again. I really don't like that. What ever happened to just plain me being submissive and none of this extra stuff? Oh well. I also talked to Kaye again. I guess both of them missed me. She didn't get my email, which is kind of odd and worrisome for me, because that's the second person that hasn't gotten my email. I wonder who else hasn't gotten the email I've sent them.

I actually slept kind of good last night. I didn't sleep very much, only 6 hours I think, but I didn't wake up a whole lot. I'll probably end up taking a nap in the afternoon like I always do.
I'm pretty sad that Kaye hasn't written back to me. Maybe she didn't get my email or something. Or maybe she's just sick of me and didn't want to tell me and me writing that letter was the best thing to do. Except now I'm all curious and want to talk to her and see if she got it, and if she did I'm going to feel stupid for being online. If she didn't get it, well I'll still feel stupid as I'll have to say why I don't want to talk to her or Tessa for a while. Which will be difficult and will make me sound like an idiot.
I've been feeling fairly well the past couple of days and today also. It could be because I have been on tramadol for two nights straight. Yeah, that's probably it. Either way I don't have any for today so I'll probably end up having some withdrawal and will be bitchy and moody and feel horrid. Hopefully now. Hopefully the antidepressents are finally starting to work and that's the reason I feel okay and am not constantly thinking about hurting myself, the past that I miss, or wishing that I was dead. All that general bad stuff. There are still relapses where I want to cry because I remember some small thing, or someone says or does something that reminds me of something in the past, but I guess that will always be like that for a long time. It took me forever to forget everything associated with Rho. Years. Ani Difranco was still associated with her years later. I remember crying in Melissa's car when she played it and I just kind of silently tried not to make any noise and hope that no one would notice. I don't think anyone did except for Jen. At least now I can listen to it and it has it's own associations for me now, at least the CD Out of Range, which will forever be associated with Diana, as that was the CD that I spent a couple months crying to. I wish I hadn't of been obsessive about her and whatever image of her that I had created in my mind. I wish I had never gotten attached and had never let myself mourn over something that never existed. I'm sure it hurt Jen that I was expressing that kind of emotion over someone that really meant nothing to me, even though at the time I didn't think that. And all the mean things I said to Jen during that time. I wish I could take a lot of things back. But I can't. I can't change anything. I can't make anything different. I can't ask anyone for forgiveness, and if I could, it wouldn't be given. I hate what I've done and I hate what I've lost because of it. I hate the kind of person I am. How can I be so selfish and hurtful to the people that I cared about most. It's too stupid and ironic that I realize all of this after I've lost it. I wish I was smart enough to know what I was doing and what the results would of been. I shouldn't of toyed around with people like that. I shouldn't of messed with their feelings like that. I should of thought of someone other than myself for once. But it'll never change no matter how sorry I feel, and no matter how much I cry, it'll always be the same. There will only be memories and all I can do is remember the good things and blot out the bad things - and have this imperfect memory with gaps and holes where I was an asshole.
I am sorry. Cry.

This is my second day on the increased dose of Paxil CR and I'm feeling pretty good. I'm in a good mood. I haven't cried at all today. I haven't had depressing thoughts either. There are no new side effects that I can notice either, not that I'm complaining. It makes me want to increase the dose again, but I'll have to wait to do that and see if it's even necessary. I need some way to make her increase my klonopin dose, especially at night, and give me ativan or xanax during the day. I don't really see it happening though. Sigh. I'm still stuck at home even if my depression goes away, the anxiety and agoraphobia is still ever present.
My gums don't work and my teeth don't feel loose like they said they would. They told me to take a couple of advil as soon as I got home yesterday, but my mouth felt fine, even if my gums were all puffy and bleeding. I haven't been doing the salt water rinses and I should be doing that. Ugh.

"You must remember this, a kiss is still a
kiss". Your romance is Casablanca. A
classic story of love in trying times, chock
full of both cynicism and hope. You obviously
believe in true love, but you're also
constantly aware of practicality and societal
expectations. That's not always fun, but at
least it's realistic. Try not to let the Nazis
get you down too much.


What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
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"99 Red Balloons" (by Nena)
99 Decision Street.
99 ministers meet.
To worry, worry, super-scurry.
Call the troops out in a hurry.
This is what we've waited for.
This is it boys, this is war.
The president is on the line
As 99 red balloons go by.


Which 80's Song Fits You?
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I'm feeling lonely. It's my own fault for isolating myself and deciding not to talk to Kaye or (especially) Tessa anymore, because they, like most people, can't or won't understand how I feel and how I am, when I'm this depressed and scared to do anything. They always say things that make perfect sense, things that everyone tells me, but I just can't do any of that. I'm sorry everyone. I need to get out of this deep depression my own way, and it's horribly slow and I hate that fact, but I can't just start leading a normal life all of a sudden and pretend that I feel better. I wish I could just do that, just snap out of it, or what not. I'm not a stupid person. I know when I'm thinking things that aren't good for my mood and am pretty good at rationalizing it away and thinking about other things. So what if I listen to sad music all the time Tessa? I don't feel that it makes me pathetic. I don't feel that me not being able to go anywhere makes me pathetic. It makes me feel like a loser, yeah, but it doesn't make me pathetic for not being able to do something when I'm undermedicated. Sorry.
So I try this gothic personals thing again. So far I've only written to one person. I seem to be very picky and I hope that the one person I wrote to writes back. I hope they email me instead of wanting to talk online like everyone else. I miss emailing people. I miss having meaningful conversations with people online. I blame the lack of that on me, but I still miss it. I don't know what's wrong or different with me, but something seems to be. Sigh.

I got back from the therapist. I was actually able to tell her some things instead of just talking about nothing, which was kind of good in a way. I guess I'm getting a little more comfortable around her, even though I don't think it'll help in the long run. I don't believe cognitive therapy helps at all for me, at least not with a benzodiazapine to drown out the anxiety in my head so I can actually focus on what I'm supposed to do and gradualy work up to harder things. Without the benzo it's just exposing me to progressively harder and harder situations, while each time knocks my confidence level down one more notch. Anyway. I was able to get her to call my psychiatrist on the phone and she doubled my dose of Paxil CR 2 weeks earlier than she had planned, which is good and what I wanted to happen. She didn't prescribe anything for the sleep, probably because she wanted to have another full interview before doing that, but even some trazadone which she had already given me in the past would of been welcome. I really miss having a good night of sleep without bad dreams.

Anyway, I just took another 12.5mg pill of Paxil, so this will mark my first day on 25mgs. Lets see how it goes these next two weeks and hope I don't need to increase it to 37.5mg.

Well I got back from the dentist. My gums don't hurt very much right now, but I noticed that there was a great deal of blood on the bib that you wear. It wasn't horribly painful, just some sharp jabbing pain once in a while, usually behind my teeth. I thought it would hurt a lot more. They used some straight pointy vibrating thing to get below my gums and pressed it against my teeth and rubbed the tool back and forth to get rid of the gunk. It doesn't hurt as bad as it sounds thankfully. I have to do hot salt water drinks for a while to stop my gums from getting infected, and I need to go back next monday so they can check and see how they are healing.
I'm tired from only having slept 4 or so hours, and I don't think I'll be getting much sleep if any before the therapist meeting. Sigh. Three or so hours until then, but I think I'll have a hard time falling asleep.
I'm not looking forward to this meeting, but I never am.

I'm bored. So I'm counting how many people I have on my buddy lists. I have 45 people between AIM, Yahoo, and MSN, with 33 of them being on AIM. Of those, I currently have 8 people blocked, 7 on AIM and one on MSN. I just cleaned out my buddy lists a while ago too. I wonder how many of these people I actually talk to on a regular basis. I think the thought depresses me. It's maybe 5, but that's being pretty generous.

Well tomorrow is the fun dentist at 8am, and then therapy later on in the day. I feel exhausted and tired, but I know I won't be getting much sleep tonight, no matter how hard I try. At therapy, I need to make sure I talk a lot about how I haven't been able to sleep and that my anxiety is horrible at night. Hopefully she can talk to the shrink and get her to prescribe me something, as I really can't wait a whole 2 more weeks to see her. I'm sick of the lack of progress when it comes to my depression. I don't expect my anxiety to get any better as she won't prescribe anything stronger, so my hopes were dashed from the beginning regarding that. But I always thought my depression would of gotten better by now. It's hardly better. When I first saw her, my life on the 1 to 10 scale with 1 being the worst, was a 2. Now I'd rank it perhaps a 2.5.

It's the two week mark on Paxil CR, dose 12.5mg. Most of the initial anxiety from it has went away, but I still have a lot of problems when I'm trying to sleep and my mind won't stop thinking or slow down, which has been keeping me awake. Sigh. As far as the depression, things are actually worse, as the crying spells have come back (only one or so a day, and not serious), and that was completely gone on just the imipramine. I also don't feel any better when it comes to my mood, which is worse, but that could be because of other things that have happened lately. With Erin starting to talk to me online, which generally makes me feel like crap, as I realize how she isn't very great. I can't believe that we used to like each other. There's also stuff with my exgf who has started to talk to me once in a while, which might be making my mood worse.
I wish I had more control over the medication. Sigh. I know I'm undermedicated. I'd increase the klonopin to 2mg twice a day, and increase the Paxil to at least 25mg. I'd increase the Paxil right now, as the initial side effects have worn off and I'm ready to deal with feeling crappy again. Yay. I wish something worked for me. Cry.

I talked to Jen this afternoon for a couple of hours. I didn't cry at all this time. It was okay talking, it's sometimes hard to think of what to say without asking anything personal, which I don't want to get into and I know that she doesn't want to talk to me about. It's strange treating someone that used to know you very well (and still does?), like a, I don't know, casual friend? But they aren't even a casual friend, because they hate and dislike me, but that's how the conversation is or feels, or whatever. Except it's not. I can't even explain and I don't know what I'm talking about.
I feel tired and lonely. I miss the past, but I don't want to think about it or revel in it. Sigh.

"will someone please call a surgeon who can
crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
that you're deserting for better company?
i can't accept that it's over.
...

so just say how to make it right
and i swear i'll do my best to comply

tell me am i right to think that there could be
nothing better
than making you my bride and slowing growing
old together

i feel i must interject here. you're getting carried
away feeling sorry for yourself with these
revisions and gaps in history.
so let me help you remember. i've made charts
and graphs that should finally make it clear.
i've preparead a lecture on why i have to leave

so please back away and let me go
i can't my darling i love you so...
...

don't you feed me lines about some idealistic
future
your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing
out the sutures"
- Nothing Better, Postal Service (paraphrased)

I'm feeling utterly tired. No one is online to help keep me awake. I'm trying to adjust to a semi-normal schedule, because I have to get up at 8am on Tuesday for that dental thing. My trying to stay awake will probably fail as usual. In fact, I think I'm going to go lay down now...just for a little while.

I'm so lonely. Cassy is in Denver with her little sister at a concert by now. I hope she was able to get tickets alright, and that she has a good time tonight and tomorrow. I wish I had someone to talk to. I mean there are plenty of people online on my list, around 8 people out of 32 are online, but I can't carry a conversation with them. Not the kind of conversation that lasts for hours and hours. I can carry a conversation with Cassy for 8 hours (longest time we talked I think), but I can barely talk to anyone else for more than 30 minutes before getting really agitated and feel like I should go because I'm not saying anything to them of importance or anything that could possible be entertaining for them.
I suppose I'll do the GP thing again and find more people to write to. What is with people these days? So many of them hate to email, they just want to talk to me on AIM, Yahoo or MSN, and they just don't want to put the time in to write a good email, or even a short email. Sigh. I really enjoy that method of communication as it's a lot deeper and more sincere I feel. I wish Erin and I still wrote each other snail mail letters, pages and pages of heartfelt feelings. I miss that. I wish anyone in the world would do that with me. I enjoy writing, but I don't enjoy chatting with people. There are only a few people in the world it seems like, that I can talk to for an extended period of time. I feel guilty, like there must be something wrong with me to want to talk to people and yet hate it at the same time. There probably is something wrong with me, there's a great deal of things already wrong with me, or so people like to say, or my parents or the psychiatist and therapist. Yay.
Oh well. At least I didn't have any bad crying spells today and I haven't felt too terrible except this morning. I feel pretty good right now, all in all, I just feel terribly lonely and empty inside. There's this big hole that I want to fill up with friendship and emotion and feeling, from anyone, if they were just willing. But they don't want to be that close to a person like me. Even Cassy has told me to keep my distance so she doesn't hurt me like she hurts everyone, so I keep a great deal to myself, and yet, we still talk for hours. I don't understand how that's possible. I feel kind of hurt that I can't share well with her, and if I do it'll just accelerate the process of her pushing me away, as she can't deal with closeness for reasons not understood yet.
I'm just rambling. Sigh.
I'm lonely.
Anyone out there? No, I don't think so.

So I wake up this morning and find out there's no water at all, none. There's something broken with the pipes or what not, and I don't think it's even going to get fixed by today. Oh yay. I'm in a bad mood from being woken up and now I can't take my shower to calm me down.

Erin wrote to me yesterday, which made me feel good. We still continue to write to each other occasionaly and she puts up with my stupid excesses. It's good to have someone tolerable and intelligent like that. The other Erin, the one I was going to move in with, still talks to me online whenever she's on. But I feel terrible whenever I talk to her. I don't know how she expects me to feel normal, or anywhere near the way I used to, when she took a month off away from me when I was too much to handle. If I'm too much to handle, if my emotions make you feel bad and bring you down, then stop talking to me altogether and don't try to talk to me only when I'm in a better mood. Sigh. Of course I lack the willpower to just tell her to stop talking to me, just like I lack the willpower to tell anyone no, or to tell anyone to stop something, even if it's for my benefit.

Since Erin wrote to me last night, I thought it'd be a great idea to go try to find new penpals as everyone seems to hate me that I used to write to and they stopped writing. I guess I was too much to handle and they just didn't want to tell me, they just decided to stop writing. Heh. So I looked through GP and browsed through stuff, and couldn't find anyone to write to. The problem wasn't the people, the problem was me and me thinking that why would anyone want to talk to me. I don't have anything interesting to say, and I don't have anything interesting going on in my life. I have a lot of stories that I can tell, but what happens after that? They get bored, I feel stupid because I don't know what to say and things generally feel horrible, at least for me. I think I imagine it all in my head, as no one ever tells me that I'm boring or what not, they always say I'm fine.

I feel cold and alone. There are people online that I can talk to, but no one that I can give my soul to and let them really talk to me. I should be happy for what I do have.

Kaye called me earlier today asking how I was, because I haven't been online in a few nights. It was nice to get a call I guess. I wasn't expecting it, that's for sure. I wasn't too horribly scared on the phone either, just slightly uncomfortable. Maybe my anxiety is improving a little. Ha.

Sigh. I tried to talk to my exgf tonight, but she didn't want to talk. She was polite to me, which made me feel a lot better than I would of otherwise. She doesn't want to talk to me every day, but maybe? once in a while. I don't know though. I won't let myself message her saying anything, as the last thing I want to do is be a bother after all that I've been and done. I guess I really should just take her off my list so I don't think about it, but I don't have the will to right now, but I know I will in a few days or a week, or whenever. I hope.

On another note, I'm connected to more than 12,000 people on Friendster now. I don't really know what happened as I was only connected to 28 people before. I think it's kind of a strange experiment, but I don't think anyone will contact me from there. I'll be really surprised if they do.

I still can't fall asleep. I swallowed a ton of valerian and passion flower, you'd think I'd be at least a little tired, but I'm not. Sigh. At least the side effects from the Paxil seem to be going away for the most part, except the insomnia I have. I have a little bit of dry mouth too I suppose, but that's not a big deal.

The crying spells have come back to me. I lay in bed and try so hard not to cry and hold myself while I rock and the tears still come out of my clenched eyes. I don't know what to do. I really want to start cutting myself again, but I can't let myself or I'll never be able to quit again. I snorted tramadol a few minutes ago while watching the end of Requiem for a Dream. How fucked up is that? I still don't feel better. I'm crying now.

Sorry for not writing in here for a while. My sleep has just been really screwed up lately, been going to sleep anywhere from 5-7am each night. It's been making me feel terrible. When I do get to sleep it's very sporadic and I wake up every few hours full of anxiety, and I find that I'm picking at my face or doing some other obsessive thing, and it's start to carry over into my waking life where I'm using a knife blade and scraping it against my skin trying to shave my flesh, which of course doesn't work really well, so I have to go over the same spot a million times and I end up very red and with some of my skin gone, which is scary. It's mostly on my stomach and a little on my forearms now. I know this kind of behavior used to happen, the picking at my face while sleeping and during the day I'd use tweezers on my stomach, hands, or legs. I guess high anxiety levels might be triggering it? I don't know if I'm going to be able to talk to my psychiatrist about this. I need to, I know, and it's probably because of my anxiety. I just don't want trichotillomania to be added to the "list" of things wrong with me. Sigh.
The Paxil CR is still managing to be sedating and stimulating. It's a little better now, on the 10th? day. I just want to have a normal night's worth of sleep. I'm almost sure of the fact that she'll try to give me some trazadone again and I'm going to explain again how it only keeps me asleep for one sleep cycle and then I wake up full of anxiety again. Sigh. I wish she would increase the klonopin to 2mg at night, but that's never going to happen. Or prescribe some valium which I think would help, along with the trazadone.

Last night was really strange for two reasons.
The first is that my exgf IMed me, and well it really shocked and surprised me. I had gotten to the point where I had been thinking very little of her. The crying spells in the morning had finally went away. I wasn't quite sure how to react. The first 15 or 30 minutes I was crying and had this big empty feeling inside, I guess because I missed her a great deal and I had pushed all thoughts of her out of my head, but they resurfaced that night. I was also feeling very horrible about the things I had done to her in the past and having to think of them again really took a great deal out of me and made the tears just come running down. Eventually the crying went away and I was calm and had a good time talking to her about different things, nothing really in particular, except life (the depressing parts).
The other strange thing is that Cassy came on to me really strong. Which is strange because she doesn't want to meet me, or at least did and changed her mind not to. Oh well. She's still someone good to talk to online. Meeting people does screw things up, as it's never how you wish it was, no matter how careful you are, so I understand how she is.

I guess that's all. There's a lot more that I should write about, but I'm getting depressed thinking about everything in general and wish my head would slow down or shut up. Sigh.

I feel terrible today. The Paxil CR is really fucking me over. It's sedating me during the day and somehow managing to keep me up during the night with insomnia even though I'm tired as hell. I want a new psychiatrist. Cry. I just want to feel better. I really want stuff to improve before Thanksgiving so I can have a good time with Kaye & Tessa, but it's not looking like it's going to happen. And I'll be really sad if I don't go because I don't feel good or because I'm too scared. I really want to see them. Sigh.
Life is really sucking hard.

I actually fell asleep before the morning and managed to sleep 5 hours. I woke up around 8am today and even felt like doing something, but by the time I got out of the shower I started to feel depressed and scared again. I just wanted to go to the bookstore for a few minutes and I'm not even able to do that. I'm so shy that I can't even do anything. Sigh. Each day of my life is exactly the same. Wake up whenever, it doesn't really matter, wait until people get online in the evening, talk to them until they go to bed and then try to go to bed myself. Repeat again and again. I feel as bad as I did when I wasn't on any medication, I don't know why. I keep wanting to cry so bad and the thought of cutting is getting to be irresitable again. Tessa was telling me how she cut an X over her heart last night and that made me want to cry. Cry because it's such a beautiful and creative thing, and cry because it's such a sad and depressing thing and I hate that she feels that bad and no one around her knows the depth of her hurt. I've been having thoughts of kissing someone's cuts, especially an X over their heart and tasting them. I've never had thoughts like this and I haven't told anyone. I've always been squeamish around other people's blood, and my own blood kind of makes me feel sick if I get it from an accident or something, not if I make the blood myself. I wonder what she'd say if I told her that. I think I will if I see her tonight online. She fakes being happy and bouncy around everyone when she feels awful. I wish I could do that, as at least I'd be somewhat productive and get things done and I'd be able to be around people. But all I can do is feel miserable and scared and avoident of every possible situation. I hardly can leave my room as anywhere else I start to feel uncomfortable. I'm going to hate to see the therapist tomorrow. I'll have nothing to say and it's been two weeks since she cancelled last week. You'd think I'd have something by now to talk about, but I don't. I guess I'll talk about how the medication isn't working and stuff as that's easy to talk about and isn't really about me. She'll have nothing to say of course as she isn't the one prescribing it, she'll just ask inane questions and I'll answer them, and we'll both pretend that we're getting somewhere.
I hope I can stay awake tonight. I hope I don't do drugs again tonight. Last night was horrible. I was about to break down but I took some Ultram before it happened, being all teary-eyed and sad. Snorted 2 pills which I almost never do and it didn't hurt as much as it usually does, which kind of scares me. I almost never snort it, but when I do it burns horrible, worse than anything I've ever snorted. But it only burnt a little bit, and I've only ever snorted 2 pills a few times before, maybe once or twice. I swallowed another one or two, I can't even remember. I felt so dizzy 15 or so minutes later, but that went away after an hour or so. I hope I don't do that again, that was stupid of me. Tessa told me that Kaye hates alcoholics and druggies. Cry. I know I convinced her that what I do is okay, but I know that it's not. I know that I'm lying to myself and I know that I'm dependent on Ultram and need it to keep myself happy. I told her it makes me happy and antidepressents don't. And she said, well I guess if it works then it's okay. But I know she probably doesn't mean that, even if she thinks she means it, she probably thinks I'm horrible for it. Sigh. Or maybe I'm making it all up. Either way I feel bad about it, because I know that it's a bad thing, even if I managed to get her to accept it. Tessa doesn't even know about it. I had to say goodnight when she told me that as I felt so awful, as she's the same way too. How did I manage to make such good friends online that hate such a basic part of me. I know it's good that they are how they are, as if they were drug users too I know I would start using again in horrible amounts. I can't ever have anything, as nothing is right for me, or rather I'm not right for anything. Cry.

Argh. It's 5:30am and I still can't fall asleep, i've been trying since 2am. Sigh.
Pointless post. Sorry. My sleep is so fucked.

avoidant


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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I talked to Kaye tonight and, well, things weren't as good as I wanted it to be. Oh the conversation was fine, but I told her about my small drug habit and she wasn't thrilled. She didn't like it, but she didn't outright hate me either, and said I was still welcome to hang out and stuff. But of course I feel bad and like I'm a disappointment to her, like I'm not perfect as I could be. I hate it. I can't be good for anyone. There is always something about me that makes me feel awful, because people don't like it, or don't think it's that great. And that's how I feel with Kaye now. She wouldn't leave until I said everything is okay. Yeah stuff is okay, but it isn't great. I was all excited to tell her that I wanted to go visit her for Thanksgiving, but now I don't know. I don't want to be a failure. I know I am. And I know that Tessa doesn't even like me drinking wine, so I know that she would hate me doing drugs.
I talked to Tessa some, but she was very depressed over her ex-bf again, and wouldn't really say much to me no matter how much I tried to comfort her. She thinks she's worthless and all those related feelings and I couldn't make her feel otherwise. Again I feel useless and like a failure. I wish I could make someone feel good. I don't care about myself. I hate myself and that I keep failing people. I can't go back and change myself, I'll be set in my ways, i'm 24, there's no going back anymore. Cry.

I don't know what to feel about people. I always end up feeling things that I shouldn't, usually extremely early when there is no reason for me to feel anything. I think I must be horribly desperate to be like this. I'm terribly needy and seem to emotionally latch onto anyone that I can, regardless of if they will let me or not. Sometimes I think I can try to hide it and not let them know, but it must be pretty obvious. Everything about me is obvious.
I feel horribly sad today. I should of stayed in bed longer, but it really wouldn't of helped things, just prolonged facing my own thoughts. I'm sick of feeling this way, why won't it just please go away. Why won't anything I take, other than drugs, make me feel better. It's not an attitude thing as I honestly want to feel better and I try to force negative thoughts from my head, but it hasn't helped anything. So now I take to embrace those thoughts and I'm left feeling drained and sad every waking moment, but there's some romanticism in it, in the deplorable misery that it brings. I must sound like some high school student contemplating suicide because of a bad relationship. Admittedly the roots of this started from something as simple as that, but it's gone long past that and it's more about hatred towards myself and my inability to do anything right and a severe lack of friends. Even the friends I make now, I'm scared of them, scared that I'll do something wrong, and it prevents me from even meeting them in the first place. What a horrid conundrum.

On the medication side of things, my sleep is really messed up. I started taking some herbs to try to reduce my anxiety, don't know if it'll help. I forget to order some kava kava, as I know that helps, even if I build up a resistance to it quick. This Relora stuff seems promising as a lot of people talk about it, so I hope it does something. The Paxil CR is just making me tired and futher screwing up my sleep. Late night talks with Cassy doesn't really help things, but... fuck it, talking to someone is a great deal better than having good sleep hygeine. The Paxil seems to have reduced my overall anxiety level some, but I don't know if I can deal with this lethargy, just hope it goes away.

I'm so tired today. I think it's mostly the Paxil, and some of it is because I've been staying up so late. Last night I was up until a little past 5am talking to Cassy. I really enjoyed it. Hmm, that's 13 hours of talking, a really long time. Can't believe I'm able to do that and not have someone be dead of boredom from me. I do feel pretty boring at times, but she always says I'm not, like everyone else does. It's hard to convince myself. I hope things go okay tonight. I hope I get to talk to Tessa some too as I'm kind of curious as to how she'll treat me, after how she was last night, being all out of control and wanting me.
I'm drinking my chai tea trying to wake up, but it isn't working very well. I'll probably have another cup soon. Wonder how long I'll stay up tonight.
Bye for now.

Pretty much the same stuff happened tonight as has been happening the previous nights. Tessa was over at Kaye's house and I talked to both of them, with them switching off and on. I sent them some pictures of Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Tessa really liked him, and Kaye liked him too. Then I sent them some more pictures of me and Tessa started swooning and going crazy and wanting me, which was cute. I like both of them a great deal, I'm not really sure in what kind of capacity as you can't really tell that from just talking online, but I think Tessa likes me to a degree, but I also know she likes Matt and is still getting over Jeremy. I'm kind of scared she'll pounce me while we're sleeping, but it's kind of a scarily good thought. I doubt anything will happen like that as I'm very shy, but that's how she acts online.
I wish I could get closer to Cassy, but she holds herself off at a distance and doesn't allow me to get inside very well. She slips up sometimes and tells me things, but not very often. She was pretty sad tonight because of past things with people, but doesn't give me a good opportunity to comfort her and make her feel better, so I feel very ineffective, but I try anyway. I think with enough patience and time we'll become better friends hopefully. She really is a nice person.

I'm feeling kind of sad, kind of something. I'm not really sure what I'm feeling, all I know is that I can't sleep. I'm tired of not being able to do anything. I'm tired of being scared. I'm fucking sick of therapy and the psychiatrist that won't give me medication that will make my anxiety go away. No, I can't deal with it, and no, therapy does not make it better at all. It just gets worse and worse, each incident compounding the trouble. I'm getting more and more reclusive and I hate it.
I want to go hang out with Kaye and Tessa, but I'm too fucking scared to do anything. I spent last night talking to both of them and it was good, along with Cassy, who I'm starting to get to know a little bit better, but not as much as I'd like. Tessa is a very sweet person and I feel bad that she's going through a lot of emotional trouble right now and having to deal with really bad depression. She's a cutter too, so we can relate in a lot of ways. We're very friendly with each other, saying what we'd like to do and wish we could do, etc. But I always preface it with saying that I'd be too scared to do anything more than give her a hug in real life, which feels really stupid of me. I wish I could just curl up in bed with someone and hold them and have them hold me and know that I was worth something and know that I was needed and know that I was wanted. I think that would make all of my depression disappear. It wouldn't help with my anxiety, but I can draw strength from friends if they are around me in tense situations and I'm better able to cope. But I need medication to be able to have friends like that, so it's some stupid circle that can't ever be fixed. There's always going to be something wrong with me and it makes me want to contemplate death knowing that I'm going to have to deal with these problems the rest of my life. It's not a comforting though and it's not something that excites me. It makes me hate the world and hate people and hate that I'm in this fucking place.

I spent a lot of time last night talking to Cassy, until 3am again and it was really good. Today the conversation isn't as great, or maybe it's just me. I'm always so self conscious that I think I'm boring, it's really horrible for me as it makes me want to leave all the time.
This entry sucks, I meant to write so much more.

Well, Cassy, has warned me to not get attached. She already warned me the last time we talked. She says she always pushes away people after a while, the longest someone lasts is around 6 months. I'm very sad about this whole thing, but I hope that once it happens (she has no doubt that it will), that we can continue to remain friends to some degree. She is a witty and smart person, with a sense of morbidity like I quite like. I like talking to her, to put it simply.