I actually fell asleep last night at around 3 and I had done Ultram that day. So that's pretty amazing. I'm not that out of it today, but I'm pretty lethargic and prone to falling asleep. Oh well. At least I don't feel as miserable as I usually do on post-Ultram day.

I have learned something very profound. Crosswalk buttons do not work, they are simply placebos made so that people will wait long enough at an intersection so the lights can change safely.
I've been fooled for 24 years.

I slept poorly falling asleep around 6am. I finally gave up trying a little after 2 and listen to Cat Power & The Faint while reading one of the books I got, Perido Station, or whatever it's called. It's pretty good. I feel like crap today. My neck is very stiff and I just woke up. No one is online either and I want to talk to someone. I cried for a few hours last night. I don't know what is the matter and why I feel bad. I think I will do drugs today, just to head off feeling bad. Or get drunk, or something, but getting drunk only lasts for a few hours. Or I might cut, but it doesn't feel like the right thing. I guess I'll take a shower now.

I got a post card today. It had camels on the front. It was nice to get something in the mail, because I feel really horrible today. I don't know what's wrong, but I have no energy and this is the worst I've felt in quite a while. All I have done is lay in bed and sleep an hour or so at a time and have really deep sleep and really vivid, real dreams, that leaving me even more drained when I wake up. Each time I wake up I feel so groggy, like I steped through a door to another world and I'm having the worst temporal jet-lag possible, and it doesn't really go away either. I would do Ultram right now, if I like, cared, but I don't even have the energy to fuck myself up so I feel better. Isn't that pathetic? It feels pathetic.
I listened to the new Wilco CD, Yankee Fox Trot Hotel, and it's okay, but it sure is kind of depressing the way he can be sarcastic about really horrible things like your mother turning into an alcoholic and your father sinking into depression and having to deal with failed suicides over and over while growing up. Some people have such hard lives, and I feel like I'm a poser thinking I have problems -- I have no problems compared to other people. But, for me, I am fucked up and that's all that matters. Sigh.
I didn't realize it has been almost a week since I've written in here. I don't know how that happened, I really should of updated more. I guess I was/am sinking away, but I'm trying not to. At the same time I'm getting better, the more I'm getting worse in a way. I am comfortable in my own insanity. I don't know how to function when it's required of me. I'm scared of when my excuses will run out and I'm faced with reality. I know I'm approaching it.

Oh, btw, I started to drink vanilla coke once in a while. Once every few days. I'm not a soda drinker anymore, I'm more of a juice, latte, and water person now. I just thought I'd say I'm drinking vanilla coke right this second, for anyone that might care.

I'm crazy/weird. Was that a title to a stupid teeny movie?

I slept 4 hours last night until the loud noises of a fucking kid woke me up, the one that my mom babysits almost everyday. I have a terrible headache and I feel like shit, again. I hate this. I finally fell asleep at somewhat of an okay time (5am!) and actually had the chance to sleep a little easily.
I think I'm going to buy a lot of stuff on Amazon tonight to make myself feel better. This pounding headache won't go away, and shopping always helps me with every problem.

This is my third day without sleep, I feel a little crazy. I mean crazier than normal. I'm buzzing and up half asleep. I feel like shit, as per usual. I want to hurt, for not particular reason, but to break this cycle of no sleep, wake 24 hours a day without a thing to do or a reason to even be awake. I don't know how I pass all this time, very dreadfully slow it seems.

Here is a picture and I want you to tell me if I am just weird, or does this person have a very fucked up sense of style for decorating? The only item I admire is the cross made from photographs (I appreciate this idea, and the first time I've seen it done). But everything else does not match, or go together in any kind of way. It's, well, an eclectic blend if I ever saw one. First off the girl is wielding a klingon! knife. The clothes average off-day goth clothing, but maybe she should be wearing something Star Trek like, I don't know because of the knife. The tapered candles you see in every goth chick's room are present, so her clothing seems appropiate. Oddly, all the candles are slightly bent out of shape, like they were used as dildos. In the background is an out of place fringed door separator, cute and goes with the goth theme somewhat. Strangely there is a lava lamp next to what appears to be cutlery knives. The bottle in the corner of the stand makes me think it is a salt shaker in disguise. All these decorations are placed on what looks like an expensive cherry or mahogony piece of furniture, it looks like it's worth a small fortune. This is all okay, but wouldn't you put something classy on that show piece? The rest of the items I can't identify, maybe that is her diploma in the lower shelf, and on the top shelf are various shaped colored glass containers that I have objection with. Sorry to nit-pick on an innocent person, but I wish to decorate her living space for free, just to make everything balance and not scream out to me as wrong.

So... Anyway, who wants to play LARP in a Wheel of Time setting? I know some of my anonymous readers must read these books, so email me and stop stalking me. There are at least 6 of you that are strangers. Will any of you come out and play? I will be an Asha'man...and maybe something more insidious, oops, fuck, I'm bad at secrets. You can be whatever you want! I have someone that will be a blue aes sedai, and she probably would need a warder. Oh who am I kidding, none of you weirdos will talk to me, just keep on reading my journal everyday for reasons beyond my understanding. You guys are bad admirers and stalkers, but it's okay, I love you all for the attention, no matter how strange. Thank you -- you'd all get postcards, but, well, none of you write to me.

I don't know what is happening to me. I can't sleep at night. I take and take pills, but nothing will sedate me. I just lay in bed like a zombie, except all I can think about is that I don't want to be here. I don't know remember what I do during the day. Do I do anything at all? It's all blacked out. I take ultram almost everyday now. I can't stop myself from feeling bad. I can't stop myself from looking over the edge. I can't stop myself from putting one foot off into empty space, just to see what it feels like to face my own nightmares, or is it dreams? I don't know what's wrong. I don't know anything. I don't know anymore.
How did I end up where I am. How did I end up back in this place that I've tried to escape from. How did I drive so far and decide to stop here. Why didn't I keep going and not of taken that exit, and seen what would of happened. I don't take chances. I don't let anything good happen to myself. I drown myself in self-doubt and pity. I hate my existence and I hate that I was the one that made it so. I can blame myself, I can be angry at others, but I put myself in this situation. I want out. I don't have the energy to escape.
I'm so hopeless and desperate. I try to not let anyone know, but they all know. They all know I won't be along for very long, and that each day is a struggle for me, and when I say okay, it's just white lies, because I don't want to concern anyone else. I have dragged down everyone I have ever cared about with me, I don't want to bring another person into my personal hell. I don't know what to feel for people. Should I even feel anything for people, when I believe that I won't be around to appreciate it, and that I will break their hearts by disappearing? I am good at going away. I have left so many people without saying goodbye, without saying anything. So many people that I miss. I don't know why I do it. I don't know why I hurt myself and I hurt them by leaving. I can't take people getting close to me, and if I become uncomfortable I disappear from their lives. The phone calls at night and the email messages and letters, make me cry. They make me hurt. They make me want to die for betraying the trust in friendship. I'm sorry for what I do. I'm sorry for everything that makes me who I am. Everything about me that was good has disappeared. I have grown old, and I am jaded. I don't believe in miracles, or magic, or anything that I wish I did. I believe in the cruelty of the world and the hatred of mankind. I believe in being alone and hurting because I don't want to be with anyone else, no matter how much I think I want it. My soul died a long time ago, and my body is still here. I try to kill my body, but it clings to some futile strand of hope that I just can't see. Please stop trying, I don't want to be here.
There is no one here for me. People say they are, but I can't let them know the depth of what is wrong. I can't let them know what I am thinking. I can't let myself know what I am thinking. I blank everything out. I have blackouts constantly, because I am scared of what I did or what might of happened. My entire childhood is empty, black, with only a few grainy pictures. What happened then? I don't want to know. Growing up, I was beaten, I was abused, I was verbally taunted - by those that are supposed to love me. I learned from them how to hate myself, and I hate this ugly flower that I've become. I haven't blossomed into anything, except a weed that clings to people that will let me, and I dig my roots deep into their heart and take what I can for sustenance and give them back nothing. I am a parasite. I deserve nothing. My loathing for myself grows stronger each day, and each day I want to forget who I am, and black my memory out again. I hardly remember anything from my life now. Only a few things, and how long until I make those memories disappear forever until I can't ever retrieve them. There is only me in my mind, and it's the child I was when I was young. Angry, hateful, spiteful, destructive, hurting myself and those that cared about me, to just get someone to pay attention. I want attention, but I don't know how to receive it without despising it. I want help, but I don't know how to accept it without sneering at them. I am a child brought up by dispassionate and cold parents, that didn't express a single brief moment of love towards me. I have always been alone and always will be.

I'm pissy at everyone. I've only slept 2 hours. And for some reason I really want to murder the president right now.

"Why of course the people don't want war... That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, a parliament or a communist dictatorship... the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders... All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger.

--Hermann Goering, Nazi Reichsmarshal and Luftwaffe chief at Nuremberg trials, 1945

I feel exhausted. I didn't sleep last night, like most nights. I just spent a couple hours trying to fix my computer, which of course doesn't work, and my dad doesn't believe me so he's going to take it to some shop and have them look at it. They'll just fuck it up even more probably. Sigh. I'm not in a good mood.

I spent more than $200 of fish supplies, god fucking damnit! I know I needed stuff, but I didn't think it'd be that much and I took out a lot of the things I (kind) of need just to make it cost less. Oh well. Soon I will have fish. When I buy gravel and some rocks to make caves. Sigh.

I don't feel that awesome today. I got the filters and the heater in the tank. I still need to go buy gravel and rocks and driftwood. I might get the slate and rocks at Home Depot tomorrow. I need to look for an adaptor for the faucet so I can use the python. That's why the tank isn't filled up yet. Grr. I'm researching a lot of medications to discuss with my Dr., and see what he feels is appropiate if anything in changing what I'm taking. I like that he listens to me and then tells me what he knows and considers me knowledgable (to a degree), to take my health care in my own hands by deciding what might or might not work. Anyway bye for now.

I'm very lonely. No one to talk to, and no one to play with. I spent a lot of time in bed feeling like crying, but I didn't cry today.

I worked on the fish tank some more today. I hooked all the filters up and set one up under the fish tank, but I decided I want it set up differently. It took me like 30 minutes positioning the intake and spray bar in different places, and now I decided After I had spent all that time I want it completely different. And I will have to set up the other one on the other end, either tonight or tomorrow. I tested the pH and it is 7.8 which isn't good at all. I'll fill the tank up with water and run it for a day and see if my results are wrong. Otherwise I guess I'm going to put a lot of driftwood in the tank to lower the pH some.

I'm so boring, and I'm so bored.

I can't sleep. It's almost 7am. Life sucks. I even took an extra klonopin and 2 extra xanax along with my normal amount of desipramine. I'm not tired at all. Oh well. I wasted this time writing down prices of driftwood that I need for my aquarium. Exciting eh? I think I'll fill the tank up today with water and get the filters started and assuming I wake up in time I'll purchase 6 or so tiger barbs to start the tank cycling. Well I'm off to no-sleep land and will probably be up in an hour after "resting". Night.

I got BlogThis to work. I'm not very excited. I was looking through a supplement catalog and going I need more creatine and GH stuff, but I need to ask the Dr. to do a hormone panel for me so I know it's okay to be taking extra stuff, and I'm curious to see what my pregnelone, progesterone, DHEA, corisol, and free testosterone levels are. Hmm that's a lot of hormones that I'm curious about. 2 more weeks and I see him. I'm on 150mg of Effexor XR now. Next week It'll be 225mg, and I think I'll stay at that until I see him and then get a prescription for 300mg a day, depending on how I feel it's working for my depression. I've been up to 450mg a day, twice as much as they are supposed to prescribe, but with no ill effects apparent.

I'm just testing something out, trying to get BlogThis to work again. So I can blog anytime like I used to.

2 hours of jerking off sucks. My dick is so sore and raw and red. At least I didn't continue for 3 hours or longer, like I have before. I didn't even cum. Life sucks. Antidepressants suck.

I'm moving the fishtank inside once my mom gets home, so she can tell me where she wants her furniture moved, so I have a place for the fishtank. Then I should be going to Borders to pick up a few things, either before or after I guess.

Good lube is like a good friend, always there when you need it, and always willing to help out. I have no friends, or lube.

I'm singing a song, my hands sweaty and playing like shit on the guitar, my words are weak and muffled, like the voice inside my head. I don't know how to escape it, give it passion and meaning and let it speak for itself. Always there talking to me, never letting up, always discriminating, never forgiving. I fucked up, yes, it tells me. Never anything right. Always something bad. Why can't I just sing it all out and scream my ragged voice and give this ghost an outlet for it's distaste. My head is swimming awash in chemical antidepressant soup and I'm drowning. Someone is calling me. I've fallen inside a well months ago and it's dark and it's cold. My ragged fingernails have clawed at damp earth and jagged stone, I've bled each day in the dark and woken to a bright eye shining down at me; God is telling me that I'll never escape from this oubliette. I don't need torture, my memories are torture enough, forced each day to rethink them, relive them, and act them out. I'm a single player in this play and the only crowd is the taunting voice in my head. I can't get out. I can't escape. I can only forget where I am, and pretend that I'm elsewhere. If I close my eyes hard enough, and the tears finally run dry, my minds eye places me elsewhere and I can act for a few short hours for a different kind of crowd. I try to make them smile and laugh, and if they do I'm pleased, for each night I'm shut away again and God closes his eye on me. No one knows I'm here, and no one knows I exist. I'm alone with only a memory for comfort, a memory that hates me.

This crappy cover that I wish I could play better is dedicated to the following:
This is for Leanna for giving me that hug when I was so shy. This is for John for always knowing what I was thinking without asking. This is for Julie for not caring that I was a dork and treating me like a person. This is for the people that were real to me. I miss you.

"I Know" - Trespassers William

I know I'll never see you
I know I'll never run into your body walking through the crooked streets
I know I'll never hear you
I know I'll never hear you like a sound that wafts inside from outside there
I know that if I waited I know that if I wait a thousand days will lie wasted with thoughts of you
my love I've pictured this:
your violet eyelids opened to say "here's where you've been"
your lips open to say "my darling it's been so very long and I'm in pain"
I know I'll never feel you
I know I'll never get so close to you that I can't smell anything else
I know that it is raining
and I know that the rain will soak you through
and leave you like the tattered sky
I know I go in circles
I know that window panes bring only rain and not your face
my love I've pictured this:
your violet eyelids opened to say "here's where you've been"
sometimes I picture all your fingers
sometimes they're crawling down my spine
sometimes they're buttoning your jacket
sometimes you're far but you're still mine
sometimes I picture all your fingers
sometimes they're crawling down my spine
sometimes they're buttoning your jacket
sometimes you're far but you're still mine
I know I go in circles
I know that window panes bring only rain and not your face

Kaye wanted to hook up with me this Valentines I guess, I just got the message a day late. I can't really say anything except, well that sucks, as I would of been down to her place if I had known.

I don't feel that great today for a lot of reasons. Jen doesn't seem to want to talk to me tonight, for however I was earlier. Which I don't even know how I was, I didn't think I did anything the least bit mean, but oh well. I wish Erin had left her # so I could give her a call right now and talk about stuff, or random stuff, or anything. I just want to escape and get out of my body.

I took a very huge handful of pills a few minutes ago. Nothing very bad, but maybe I'll feel a tiny bit better in a little while. If not, I'm going to go search if there's some expensive port anywhere, or maybe a bottle of champagne. I'll find a reason to celebrate. I don't want to drink some crappy beer and won't even if that's my only option, I'll just go snort something else.

Tomorrow will be my first day on 150mg of Effexor XR. If my mood keeps being bleak like this I'm going to change it from 1-week intervals to 3-day intervals on how fast I increase the Effexor XR, up to 225mg and then and wait and see what the Dr. says, or call him and see if I can go up to 300mg. Either way I'll need more samples if I go up to 225mg or higher. I just took an extra 75mg desipramine and 20mg of lexapro. I know the lexapro won't make a difference, but the desipramine will at least make a difference for tomorrow, as it makes me feel noticeably better.

There's nothing to drink except creme sherry, and I'm not in the mood for that. Thinking about the flavor makes me want to puke. I wish there was some meth or dexedrine, argh. Next time I take some ultram I'm going to mix it up with some meth and snort it up and see how that feels together. Yummy.

I think I'll go away for a few days or weeks or whatever. Nothing feels quite right.

I had about 15-20 quizzes ready to post on my website, took about an hour to do them all. Sigh. Now I don't care. Oh well. I'll do some quizzes later. I need to put some big long tests on here, and I need someone else to think of one, as the one I thought of was really stupid. Maybe I will collaborate with someone on making a quiz? Nicole, Bri, Jen even maybe? I don't know it'd be fun.

Bri is asleep according to what her Dad says when I called about 15 minutes ago. I hope she is getting better. She has a sinus infection and that must suck a lot. Hug for Bri.

I have been doing some research since I'm a little bored and I am going to talk to my Dr. about augmenting my Effexor with some sort of dopamine agonist/antagonist agent to hopefully fulfill a major part of my depression that doesn't seem to be resolving. I wish I knew the technical term for complete lack of motivation, it's just on my tongue, so I could explain it to him. I just have none, none at all. And I hate it. I want to try a low dose of adderal (doubtful, but I'll bring my dad as he explains how I am doing a lot better from an outsider's perspective, which is actually nice, even though I don't like him), or if not adderal then perhaps dexedrine. The very lowest dose they can give, and of course increase my Effexor XR to at least 300mg, 75mg more than the max, but I've been up to 450mg fine, and so have other test subjects.

I feel lonely still. Sigh.

Today is a sucky day. Erin wrote back to me a little and said she will send a postcard, but seemed very busy. I should of asked for her phone # and what the time difference is so I could drop her a note. I guess she's probably going to the american consulate college? or whatever there, for 2 years, or however long she is going to be there before moving to the caribbean or possibly back to Texas, who knows. I thought for sure she wasn't going to Saudi Arabia, but I guess she changed her mind. Her life was going really bad, lots of drugs, lots of guys doing things to her that I want to kill all those guys; so I guess moving for a couple years is a good thing. It'll get here away from the drugs (hopefully), and she can start up college and stuff and I know she likes different cultures so I'm sure she'll enjoy her time in Bahrain. Saudi Arabia is a fun place. Sand, sand, sand, and neat arabic words (they are just so pretty when written), and it feels like. It's undescribable. It's a strange but good experience to be submerged into that culture, and you definately learn a lot because they are so different on the outside, but inside they are pretty much the same as everyone.

I wish I had someone to talk to on the phone or online even. Bri is resting according to her father. Sigh. Don't know where Jen is, but she's probably at a party or doing something, but it'd be nice to chat.
I worked out a little today even though my depression isn't much better. The first few days on Effexor XR I was pretty happy, but now it's flattened out a lot. Only 2 more days until I increase the dose at least, and that should make a difference.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to make it to Borders if I can and pick up some books, some cds (umm. The Faint, Rilo Kely, and check to see if they have more Azure Ray, and check yet again to see if they have the only Rasputina CD I'm missing), and maybe a few dvds. I want to watch Hamlet again as it's such a good movie and it suits my mood right now. Don't know what other DVD I might get if I get some DVDs. Maybe I'll pick up some of Shakespeare's tragedies, I want a hard copy of them, reading them online isn't in anyway fun or enjoyable. I can only read while laying in bed, well read and be comfortable I mean.

Sigh. I'm lonely.
No one will hug me.

Cassy asked me out tonight to hang out and probably spend the night together. She said she was lonely and wanted someone to keep her busy and dropped some not so subtle notes at wanted to get fucked up with me on drugs and have sex. I made some excuse for why I couldn't go. Sigh. I feel bad, since she is lonely, and I'm lonely too. I just don't want to spend time with someone that way, when we're both lonely. Things will end up happening and I don't want anything to happen. I feel lonely as hell. Today was miserable and I spent most of it in bed. Tomorrow will probably suck, but maybe I'll do some ultram or whatever to make it easier to deal with. Sigh.

I want someone to talk to on the phone right now, for hours. Everyone is asleep now though.

Cry.

Allen,
hey babydoll, i'm in bahrain now.
i want your address so i can send
you a postcard. i packed it with
all of my stuff when i moved out.
so much has happened as of late.
please write back, i miss you!!!
you have to write back here
though, my e-mail isn't working
correctly. take care, hopefully i
will hear from you soon. tell me
how you are doing.

Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

Lent Somnolence: except on a guy.. cause it feels so fucking good to rub my face against his and be tickled by their stubble
Lent Somnolence: i like it on t heir chin and cheeks
Lent Somnolence: i like rub against them like a cat

LentSomnolence: hey.. let me know the details about stef and stuff.. does she have an email or a # i can get in touch with her? i just miss her a lot

please Stef, don't disappear on me again. It's so painful tracking you down, especially when you are homeless most of the time. Sigh. I'm sorry for the last time I talked to you and how I only had a few minutes before the police took me away. It was the worst timing in the world. God I called that number over and over for days and they kept saying you had moved again. Sigh. I hope I can talk to you before you move again.

Stef is still alive...! I finally was able to relay a message to her through 2 people and she says she misses me too. I just wish I could talk to her or something. Sigh.

Life is messed up. Even though she lied to me a lot, I still miss her and talking to her. What's wrong with me?

I'm lonely and I'm tired. I'm crying and thinking of memories, where things weren't quite so bad yet, and you could find me with a smile without having to put one on my face. I'm thinking of arms without faces, faces blurred and changing. I'm so tired of beling alone. I want those arms to hold me close, to keep me away from another night of tears.

"These white lights will bend to make blue" - Azure Ray

Drive away
Just get on the interstate
And slip through this closing gate
Pulled into this cheap hotel
I called just to wish you well
You said don't let love break you down
Well just show me how and let me never be broken
Tomorrow a new point of view
These white lights will bend to make blue
Now this can all look new to you
Are you still living there
Walking the streets with your hollow stare
You say there's loneliness everywhere
So we have nothing to loose
The music plays all day long
And sorrow looks beautiful
And lovers seem mystical
Tomorrow a new point of view
These bright lights will bend to make blue
Now this can all look new to you

"Don't make a sound" - Azure Ray

You could go anywhere anytime and find someone
But how will you know if he's kind
The sun is out but happiness
Only reminds you of the people you hurt
Mistakes that you made when you were down
And where are you now
You're sweeping up these sorry streets
And i knew somehow when you looked up and over me
That you could look up these words
But you still won't understand
They mean nothing to you
So write them in the sand
And watch the water wash them away

You could sit on your front porch
And watch the wasps dive down
You could go out every night
And force cheap beer down
You could go all day
And not make a sound

Just a pill update. Taking xanax xr .5 at night to see if it helps sleep, and if it doesn't work he will put me on what I suggested, trazadone + ambien, and I think that will work. I switched out the lexapro for effexor xr, and I think I will do better on it. I'm at ~115mg now, and I'll be at 150mg the next week, increasing by 75mg each week. So I should be at 225mg when I see him and we can decide if I want to go to 300, 350, or 375. I'm taking 75mg desipramine for this month, it will be dropped when I see him again, along with the xanax xr I assume, unless it works really great (I doubt).

That's all.
I hate...how everything has to be difficult. Sigh.

I slept 14 hours last night and that's really odd for me, but I needed it. Today I feel sick from withdrawals I guess. It always feels like my sinuses are acting up and kind of like the flu, but it should be gone by tomorrow and taking ibuprofen and benadryl helps it some. I'm scared about going to the Dr. tomorrow. I don't really know why. I think I'm just anxious today, but I hope he has some ideas.

I went shopping today at Borders and got some CDs and games. It was good. I didn't sleep last night though, so I am very tired out. It sucks. Oh well. I'm out of it.

This is the 9th day without any drugs. It feels weird. I have dreams of doing drugs, that's how much I crave it. Oh well. Sigh. Fuck it. Maybe. I don't know. I try to care, but I don't know if I care today.

I need to go shopping and pick up some Tums, Benadryl, and some Tagament. Yep, um, just in case I do a lot of Ultram sometime.

No one is around to take me to Borders when I actually want to go. Argh. I hate driving and I won't drive, especially with snow on the ground.

"Into The Dark" - Juliana Theory

Dad, your boy is about to fall.
He walks the razor's edge.
He's on the brink of fading out.
He's at his bitter end.
Dad, your boy who used to run,
you taught him how to crawl.
He left home to find his own,
now all he had is gone.
In your eyes I see a darkness that torments you and in your head where it dwells.
I'd give you my hand if you'd reach out and grab it.
Let's walk away from this hell.
Mom, your baby is on his way.
He'll soon be at your side.
Cause he's forgotten all he's known.
A part of him has died.
Mom may never understand why baby's come and gone.
He left home to find his own,
now all he has are lies.

I feel the taste of violation as I force this cold lover inside my mouth. The smell of grease nauseates me, making my already upset stomach clench with fear and anticipation. The metal forces my tongue down and I'm unable to speak. My body makes muffled sounds of protest, disagreeing with my mind. Tears start to fall down my face, but I don't know what I'm crying about. Even now I don't understand myself. I never did. My hands are sweating, losing their grip, losing my mind, as panic sets in and the pained sobbing grows insistent and pleading, trying to make me change my mind. I feel calm, even with the sweat dripping down my forehead and my shaking hands, everything turns slow. My eyes close and I stare at the blackness and wonder if it'll be the last thing I see, I push everything out of my mind. Everyone I've ever cared about. No one matters. I shake and I shiver and in that moment of clarity, I pull the trigger. Click. I'm calm. The tears have stopped and my voice no longer protests, and the shaking subsides. I feel empty, but the thoughts that were racing through my mind earlier have stopped, the ideas that I wanted to cling to have disappeared. I don't have hope. I don't have anything. I have gained confidence, at least. My hands have stopped sweating and I put a bullet into the chamber and pause. I decide to hide the gun again, save it for another time, and unchamber the bullet. They are hidden now. It is my own secret shame, but I don't feel shame anymore, or remorse, just relief that something of me is still hidden from the world and cannot be taken or stolen or changed or lied to or hurt. There is permeance in having this kind of security, and it's the only thing I can cling to tonight. I cannot cling to emotions or people, but tomorrow I will fool myself again and try to maintain a normal life. The secret will always be there when I need it, when I don't have the strength to keep maintaining this false sense of a life worth living.


The Lyndsay Diaries - A Self Portrait

Today the sun burned away at my face and i just let it burn.
Another angel turned her back on me.
She folded her wings and hung her head.
God you gave me this heart but I was wondering if I could trade it in.
I wail and I weep for I can not sleep for I stare at the ghosts of my own design.

Driving past the quiet steeples in the night.
I harbor these tears in my eyes.
She thinks she is hearing sounds in the night and I am fighting just to sleep.
And I wail and I weep.

The bells will ring in the steeple in the morning.
And I'm just now trying to find myself.
Singing the words to create acceptance were never my good intentions.
And now I've only a house full of regrets.

Shatter the glass of my eye.
And I will come to see this blinding darkness.
And I've lost sight of all that is real.
For I sit here alone. I write a novel of my own.
And there are no happy endings in this tradgedy.

The bells will ring in the steeple in the morning.
And I'm just now trying to find myself.
Singing the words to create acceptance were never my good intentions.
And now I've only a house full of regrets.

Sometimes I am almost content in my sorrow.
My ship is sailing to the seas.
So wave and blow your kisses.
Cause I'm not sure I'll be home anytime soon.

I've set out to fail the world.
I've set out to fail myself.
I will dream the dreamers lie that everything is okay.
When everything isn't okay.

He says my burden is also his but I don't want to put this on him.
Stare up at steeples lost in the night. I find myself so lost on the inside.

And now I've only a house full of regrets.
And as the wind blows it takes with it all the memories.
And as the breeze blows I turn my eyes to the skies and hope for hope
that this will soon come to pass.

These past few nights I've been drinking away my sorrows. A dark crimson port the same color of my blood when I bleed out the pain so deep inside that I can't touch. Or a bitter, clear vodka for the times when getting drunk doesn't work how I want and I start to cry endless tears down my face that I can't stop. At least, for now, I'm not putting things up my nose or taking pills. It's been an entire week. I guess I'm counting days, and each day seems harder than the last.

Azure Ray has become a really favorite band these past two days. I love them. I can lay in bed all day with my head under the covers, curled up in a ball and just listen to her haunting and soul-touching songs.



November - Azure Ray

So i'm waiting for this test to end
So these lighter days can soon begin
I'll be alone by maybe more carefree
Like a kite that floats so effortlessly
I was afraid to be alone
Now im scared thats how id like to be
All the faces none the same
How can there be so many personalities
So many lifeless empty hands
So many hearts in great demand
And now my sorrow seems to far away
Until i'm taken by these bolts of pain
But i turn them off and tuck them away till these rainy days that make them stay
And then i'll cry so hard to these sad songs
And the words still ring, once here now gone
And they echo through my head everyday
And i dont think they'll ever go away
Just like tihnking of your childhood home
But we cant go back were on our own
Oh,
But i'm about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
Ill find it in myself
So were speeding towards that time of year
To the day that marks your not here
And i think i'll want to be alone
So please understand that i dont answer the phone
I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls
Untill i can see nothing at all
Only particles some fast some slow
All i can see is all i know
Ohh..
But i'm about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I'll find it in myself

I scheduled an appointment with my Dr. for monday. I bumped the desipramine to 100mg in the meantime. I feel really awful inside, and when I look at the mirror I don't know what I'm looking at, except that it makes me want to cry.

Lauren asked me to spend the night with her and Lisa. I made up some stupid excuse that probably sounds like an excuse. Sigh. I'd kind of want to maybe, but I don't want to sleep over there and it's snowing too. Meh. Excuses. I don't feel like doing anything.

I finished my community service. I have to go to the courthouse tomorrow to turn in my papers tomorrow. Hopefully I'll get the chance to go to borders then like I want to. I really want Something Corporate's newest CD.

I'm tired of life and feeling bad.

I upped myself up to 75mg of desipramine today, and will call my Dr. tomorrow to make sure he okays it. Actually I'll ask if I can up it faster and get on something, or take another 10mg of Lexapro too. I don't know what will help me, for sleep, or depression. I usually only feel really awful at night, but today I cried for the first in a while during the daytime, when I took a shower.

I'm reading a lot of Anita Blake novels, I'm on the last paperback one right now. Reading makes me feel less bad since I'm thinking about other things. I need to go to Borders and get 10 or so books tomorrow if I can. Need to get 2 Carol Berg books, 1 Lynn Flewelling book, check on and see if there's any new dorky dragonlance books I want, Veronica Wants to Die (I always forget the title), and some WOT books and reread the series. I have library tomorrow too.

I have this Ani song on repeat that I used to cry to a lot, until the drugs would kick in and knock me into an unconscious state and wake up to it and just break into tears again. I'm crying again.

I can't figure out why I feel bad or if there is even a reason. Even trying to think of reasons to feel bad doesn't work well, at least then I can fight it off and just not THINK. Sigh.

so what, Ani DiFranco

who's gonna give a shit
who's gonna take the call
when you find out that the road ahead
is painted on a wall
and you're turned up to top volume
and you're just sitting there in pause
with your feral little secret
scratching at you with its claws
and you're trying hard to figure out
just exactly how you feel
before you end up parked and sobbing
forehead on the steering wheel

who are you now
and who were you then
that you thought somehow
you could just pretend
that you could figure it all out
the mathematics of regret
so it takes two beers to remember now
and five to forget
that i loved you so
yeah, i loved you, so what

how many times undone
can one person be
as they're careening through the facade
of their favorite fantasy
you just close your eyes slowly
like you're waiting for a kiss
and hope some lowly little power
will pull you out of this
but none comes at first
and little comes at all
and when inspiration finally hits you
it barely even breaks your fall

who were you then
and who are you
now that you can't pretend
that you can figure it all out
subtract out the impact
and the fall is all you get
so it takes two beers to remember now
and three more to forget
that i loved you so
yeah, i loved you, so what
i loved you
so what

I didn't end up doing anything. I came very close, but I had some help in not doing anything harmful for tonight. I think it's another lonely night where I don't sleep. Today is the first day of being on 50mg of desipramine instead of 25mg, I wish it'll help. Sigh. Soon. Now.

Second Intermission - Ani Difranco

second intermission
anticipation
you know the third act
small talk drops out of the play
you're standing in the lobby
tightening your tourniquet
waiting for it
and then the bell sounds
and the lights flash
and there's all these questions milling around
and there's no time to ask

no bliss for little miss leading
cuz she's learning about bleeding
but what is love if not exquisite
our only saving grace
or is it?
and somewhere inside your iris
blooms the reflection of my surprise
as you stroll past every last do not enter
and touch me at my epicenter
and the bell sounds
and the lights flash
and there's all these questions milling around
and there's no time to ask

i'm always trying to get there
i never really get there
to that quiet place where
i accept myself
instead i'm deep inside some high school
locker room no clothing
popping the zits of my self loathing
under fluorescent lights
and the bell sounds
and the lights flash
and there's all these questions milling around
and you're too ashamed to ask

second intermission
anticipation
you know the third act
small talk drops out of the play
and you're standing in the lobby
tightening your tourniquet
waiting for it
waiting for it