Trust.

I give trust completely to someone, and when they say they just use it up. I say I still trust you and when they hug me back, that gives me confidence. Go ahead, though, and use it all up, make the truths, dreams and promises you gave me and break them all. It's alright. That's what friends are for, not breaking promises, but for giving trust unconditionally, and that's what I do. No matter how many people abuse me, and now matter how many people hurt me, I still will trust. There are good people out there in the world that don't use, that don't take, and that don't hurt. I will find someone like that sometime. It's a matter of trust. I trust you and everyone else.

I feel hurt. I feel like crying. When she told me this, but I told her the truth that I'm still there and that I'm still a friend. It remains to be seen what the future brings, but I know what I will do as a friend. I will be there, and I will continue to need them and continue to care for them and help them when they need it. I am their friend.

I don't take friendship litely. It's one of the most serious things in the world, it's as serious as being in a relationship. Friends are dear to me, because I've abused so many in the past. I've come to the realization that if I don't give a friend everything I have inside, they might go away. I might lose them. I cannot lose anyone else again, no matter how little or how much they mean to me. Everyone means the world to me, there are no degrees of better or worse. Everyone is a person and everyone deserves trust, love, friendship, and most of all a hug when they need it.

Right now, I need a hug, but I don't have anyone to give me one. Some days that's all I think I want out of life. Is someone to hug me. I need the physical comfort more than words, than emotions, than anything. The physical abuse I suffered growing up has made me so frigid, cold, and empty, that a hug can fill me up with the warmth that makes me want to live.

I want to live, but I need the fuel to keep me going. Right now, and for 2 years now, I haven't had a hug from a friend. I'm running on empty, and I don't know how long I can go before I burn up. I'm burning up now, crying tears as they steam in the air. I'm hot all over from the chance at losing someone, I feel crazy inside that I might lose another person. I'm cold all over from not being held. I'm shivering and sweating. Won't someone please help make me feel loved, or at a least a little more normal, a little more sane?

Seen it?

Lent Somnolence: i just mentioned my dick cause like people have seen it probably. i mean i've been fucked up a lot. who knows when my pants came off and where.

Cerbera odollam

'Suicide Tree'

Excerpt
Cerbera odollam, which grows across India and south-east Asia, is used by more people to commit suicide than any other plant, the toxicologists say. But they also warn that doctors, pathologists and coroners are failing to detect how often it is used to murder people.

Inbetween.

I want to wake up with someone next to me, and be able to look into their closed eyes and see the sun striking their face, lighting them up. That feeling lights me up inside. It makes my heart feel full and it makes me feel complete.

I feel between places. I'm here in Colorado and no one is here for me. The people I know are scattered everywhere else. Everywhere except here. Why is it so hard to get a hug from someone?

I meant this entry to mean a lot more, but writing is just making me want to cry for some reason.

I don't want to wake up alone again feeling stuck between lost and home.

Alone.

"Cry. Alone. Together. In the end the result is the same."

It's Thanksgiving night. What am I thankful? For being alive. That's the only thing I can think of. I guess I can be thankful I'm not in the ER. I finished off all the wine in the house that I could find (not there is much). I'm feeling slightly better singing along slightly drunk to Ani DiFranco. I also listen to her album Dilate when I feel terribly awful and stupid.

I had a fight with someone. It was about things I don't even remember. Isn't that how all fights are? It's stupid. I wish I wasn't so reliant on that person. Every single person tells me to distance myself, or stop talking to them, or anything. Anything except what I am doing now, relying on them for so much.

Jen is going on vacation for a week, again. A new friend that I met online this week is also going on vacation, well left today. I didn't get to say bye to them. That makes me feel really sad. It feels like everyone is leaving when it isn't true. Nicole just came back from MA, but we never have in-depth conversations anymore it seems. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's my lack of personality. Maybe it's my drug-filled mind being empty. Whatever it is, I miss being able to talk to her about something meaningful.

I think the only person around for a while is Stacie. Stacie is reliant and I know she'll be there. I must seem kind of abusive to be talking about other people and how they aren't there for me when I know someone will always be there for me. That is abusive, I think. I'm thankful, yes I guess that's what I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving, for having her as a friend.

I need someone here. I need someone to hold me. I need someone to hug me. I take everything that isn't right here, right now, right and real, for meaning very little. It's rude and wrong. I can't help it.

What else is bad? My grandmother is in the hospital, again, for pneumonia. I think it's getting close to that time for her. The hard thing for me, is that I can't care. I hardly knew this person, they hardly knew me, even though they always smiled when they saw me. You know how grandparents are. What am I going to do when they are gone? I'll probably cry. Why? I have no idea. I'll cry for the loss that could of been. I'll cry for the relationship that could of been. I'll cry for the things that never were.

My little sister has this stereotypical emo boy. This irritates me for some reason. It really shouldn't, it fits quite well I guess. My sister is a stereotypical post-punk person that goes to concerts every weekend and clubbing once a week. So why shouldn't so two people like that together? They shouldn't. No one should get together if they are just like everyone else. What differentiates my sister from all the other idiots? What differentiates this guy from all the other idiots? I guess I'm being too harsh, but right now I feel like I could scream at both of them, "Get some personality and stop complaining about your oh, so perfect lives!".

I hate everyone. I hate everyone who has someone. I hate being alone.

"Bleed Black"

I feel so, out of it. At times lately I'm so full of energy and happy as I can be, euphoric. It's nice. Other times I just don't want to get out of bed. It has to be one of the medications I'm on, but neither are supposed to activate mania, and I've never been diagnosed as manic-depressive. I don't know what's going on with myself and I wish I would stay stable. Right now, I'm feeling a little down, but I'm also being very productive. I'm working on those 600 or so CD's that I'm trying to burn to my computer and then hopefully write down a list of those. After that, I'm going to copy several (hundred) of them for 3 or so people that want the ones I have. Maybe even more people than that, I have no idea really. I know I should burn some for Stacie, Nicole and Jen.
I'm beginning to feel a manic episode come on, which, I believe, is because I just took my second dose of Strattera for the evening. I'm going to listen to what my original doctor told me to take and not the one substituting for him. I can tweak the dosage next week when he gets back, or in two weeks. My memory is really horrible now with all the benzodiazapines I am on, but we'll figure things out together whenever we meet up again.

I am exploring the inside, I find it desolate
I do implore these confines, now, as they penetrate, "recreate
me"
I'm hovering throughout time, I crumble in these days
I crumble, I cannot, I cannot find reflection in these days

My pills are full of brains.

I've had mild to moderate hypertension my whole life, it is usually around 135/75, but it's been up to 150/110 in stressful situations. This morning when I took it it was 110 /74, and I just took it this afternoon after I had been awake a while and it was 115/74. The Strattera can lower blood pressure, but so can depletion of l-tyrosine and/or l-phenylaline (the precurser to tyrosine). So it really does make me think there is some kind of chemical warfare going on in my brain for mediocre levels of norepineprine. Whenever I take some phenylaline I'm great. That is what I have been doing most days, taking it 3 times a day at doses that dieters use (high doses). And it's been keeping me running. I just have to stay on this lowered dose of Strattera until my doctor gets back next Monday. I thought he got back this week and when I called I guess I was wrong. There goes my hopes of going to a lower dose.

Fix

"It was an addiction not a relationship."

"I just...need the pills to help me when there isn't a person here to hug me instead. The pills are my friends and they give me cold, icy, hugs, but at least it's the hug I need."

CYP2D6.

So, a while ago I called the Dr.'s office trying to get ahold of my doctor. He's out for the week. I wanted to see if I could get on a lower dose of Strattera as it's making me kind of crazy. Crazy in I'm so euphoric I love you all way, and a I'm so tired I want to just sleep kind of way, all nicely splitting my day up into 2 disparate parts.
I talked to the receptionist who took down my information and my problems and what I wanted to do and she said she'd run it by the doctor who is covering for mine today. I hope he makes a call back. Well he will. I just hope he does and I can talk to him. I don't like talking to other people, and I especially do not like talking to other doctors about my medical problems and trying to explain to them. So, yeah, I was figuring that with 2 P450 enzyme inhibitors, Cymbalta being a moderate CYP2D6 pathway inhibitor and Strattera using the same metabolic pathway that I'm having some warfare going on in my liver or possibly my brain for norepineprine causing me to have alternating moods. So, could I get a lower dose until I get to see my doctor next month? How do I tell that to someone I've never talked to, and who will just look at me (if they could) like a bumbling fool.
I guess I will see what happens.

Who needs who the worst?

A little bit closer,
I know you're not bashful
There, now that's not so bad, is it?
So what was that secret?
What did that prick whisper to you?
Was it playful and flirty
Or degrading and dirty?
I know you like it both ways
So -- what did he say?
To make you so goddamn defiant
So fucking triumphant

Relations, in direct competition
Domination
The players, disguised as the lovers
The best friend
A game of who needs who the worst

A little bit closer
Your lipstick is smudged, dear
Here, let me wipe that smirk off

A secret
But you couldn't keep it so secret
Relations, without hesitation
Or social tact

And as it occured, it occured to me
Who needs who?
Who needs who?

A little bit closer...
Closer...



I feel tired, always being given apologies for them not being a good friend at the moment. The reasons -- drugs, emotions, or whatever. I need them, but they don't need me nearly as much. Each time I talk it's a fight with myself not to feel whatever is left inside. I've bleed out my feelings. I've blacked out my feelings. I've cried them out. Still, I can't rip out the last tendrils and free myself from what seems more like an abusive obligation. What happened to the kingdom, the castle, the oligarchy? It existed before me, and probably still exists now, but it hurts to know people can be swapped in and out as needed when they no longer are no longer the perfect dream.
I feel tired, meeting people. What happens when the dream you had was given to you and then taken away? I can't find anything in life I want. I never wanted anything to begin with. I was just struggling to make it day-by-day, living with my depression when someone threw me a line and told me of a wonderful fantasy. That is long over with, but now I'm sinking and struggling. I'm 25 now and I still haven't figured life out, the reason why I'm still here. Why am I still here? I'm getting better -- I guess. The ER has only seen me once this year. That's an improvement. Right? Please?

Slurping.

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Rub me, but don't touch.

Thigh massages are great. It's unfortunate that they always seem to lead to some kind of sex, whether it be oral, mutual masturbation, or full out fucking. Thighs are paid so little attention, and they are such nice big, deep muscles, that really enjoy being rubbed and kneaded and touched. Of course, it's normal for someone to get aroused if they are being touched so close to their genitals, but I wish everything didn't always lead to sex. Can't I just feel good without having to be fucked, or make someone feel good without fucking someone?
It's the stupid give/receive a massage and then have it almost always lead to sex. I'd like a massage once in a while that doesn't mean sex, and only means relaxing.
One time, while a girl was asleep I started to rub her down, giving her a massage on her back and sides of her chest and down near her ass. The moans and groans she would give were so enticing and hot. The best part, for me, is that she didn't wake up (completely) and just drifted back to sleep, albeit a little loudly. It made me happier than I could be that I didn't have to fuck her right then. Thinking about the noises she made days, weeks, and months later, have given me much more pleasure than having sex with her right then and now would have. Sometimes delay is really good. No, most of the time delaying is great.
Having someone be vocal can make all the difference from an orgasm that makes me say, "Meh.", to a session with multiple erections and orgasms with come shooting all over and everyone enjoying a happy wet, sloppy mess.

I'll take two please

So, there is this person I have known for a while, named Jade. She has been enjoying the new experiences of anal sex with her boyfriend Alex. Her recent conversations with me are mostly on the topic of how bad she wants to have both holes filled. I can sympathize, as if I had holes, I would like them filled. And I like anal, and getting it feels really great.
Her boyfriend (well she doesn't call him that), he's a long distance fuck partner with an obscene amount of money that flies out to see her every two week, doesn't like the idea of me being involved at all. Not that I can blame him too much. Most guys are homophobic and wouldn't want to be involved in that kind of scene anyway, no matter how much it turns them on watching porn and thinking about it. Double standard for double penetration, eh?
Either way, I'm not cool enough for casual sex and it's something that I don't think I would be into. Or even sex often with friends. I think sex with friends is great, when you both need it, but to use friendship as an excuse to have a fuck buddy can lead to bad things. Sex always leads to bad things, anyway. It's addictive, gives you a rush almost as good as heroin in the vein, and you want more and more, and then there is the associated jealously that inevitably begins with such a fun activity. You want it. You want it all to yourself. You don't want to share.
I know some people think they can share, or can suppress their emotions enough to seem like they are noble and open to everything, but I think it's kind of bullshit. I don't know how they have the mental control to do that, and I don't know what is going on in their minds. Somehow some people manage, and I've met a few through friends now I guess and they live that lifestyle seemingly well, but I can't understand it.
Jealousy has always played a big part in my life. It's the feeling that won't go away and it's the feeling that can turn me into a mean and spiteful person. Maybe I just need to fuck around more and then jealousy problems wouldn't ever crop up, but I don't think that would happen either. I would just become attached to every single person I was having sex with and that certainly isn't a good idea.

Change the same

I had a little incident last week. Had an argument with my father. I have been very depressed and suicidal lately. I keep trying to get help to see a psychiatrist, but nothing would happen. I would ask, and all he would do would just say some bullshit. It made me feel worse and worse, knowing that I can't get help and that he doesn't care. I ended up cutting my legs up bad that night and then tried to talk to him again. He was an even bigger asshole not helping or caring. I got frustrated and went into my room and just broke down, not in a crying or helpless way, but in a violent exploding way and I punched through the wall 3 times in quick succession before I finally calmed down and started being more sane. Anyway they called the police, because of that, and because I was suicidal and they may of seen blood on my feet from the cutting I had done recently.
I talked to the police for a while and then asked to be taken to the hospital to be watched, because I was still feeling the same. They fixed me right up, did some stitches my legs and were very friendly. I really like the Longmont United ER, it's much nicer than the Boulder Community Hospital ER.
I went home from the hospital after a few hours, after my hands and legs were fixed up and I had talked to a psychiatrist for a while.
Later that week I went to see my doctor, even though I hadn't seen him in months. He isn't a psychiatrist, but it was the best I could do. I've been on a very new antidepressant, Cymbalta, for almost 3 weeks now. It works wonders - or it seems to. I hope it doesn't stop working like all the other things I have been on. He also gave me refills on Klonopin. I got the Klonopin dosage upped this week, so I'm on 3mg a day. It helps a lot with generalized anxiety. I also have Xanax for as needed, but we plan (well I plan) on switching it to Ativan and even maybe a lower dose. I'm also trying out something to help with my lack of daytime energy and impulsive behavior, treating possible adult ADHD, so I'm on a trial of Strattera. It will take one week to one month to find out if it is doing anything. It's basically similar to a selective noreprineprine reuptake inhibitor, but I believe it works slightly different on the pre-synaptic level than traditional SNRI's.
I still feel very sad at night sometimes. I try to call Jen, but she is almost always sleeping and if I get ahold of her I end up talking about things in the past and that makes me feel awful. So then I end up taking something to calm myself down. I really, really, want to get fucked up and just lose these memories. Redact them all if it were only a possibility.

What's Wrong is Everywhere

Dear
It's a lot
Like the way that we don't talk
Every day that I'm away, I will be there
In the parking lot with the drugs we bought
The hope I had, I haven't got a prayer
I haven't got a prayer
We're small and feeling used
You stare and stay confused
Don't say what we've become
And dear I promise you
A change is overdo
By the time that I arrive, I am undone

Whatever I do, whatever I say
To make you feel better
Every hour of every day
Oh it's all I ever

Here
It's about
The things you see when you figure out
What the hell is going on
And bury me beneath
The overpass and the empty streets
It's better when I'm gone
And when in the dark you say my name
I called you and you came
And it's more than I can bear
You're lost and left alone
And hope is never home
What's wrong is everywhere

Whatever I do, whatever I say
To make you feel better
Every hour of every day
Oh it's all I ever
Hand me your hope
Just stay together
And they're all down watching you drown
It's now or never

Ask me I'm sure I'll tell you how
Sing together now
And it leaves me
Ask her I'm sure she'll tell you more
Sing it like before
Believe me, believe me

Whatever I do, whatever I say
To make you feel better
Every hour of every day
Oh it's all I ever
Hand me your hope
Just stay together
And they're all down watching you drown
It's now or never

How big is yours?

"how much is 100m anyway? things are easier measured in sizes of hair thickness, sizes of football fields, or penis sizes. how many penises is it?"