The last G. ipor. died which makes me kind of sad. The oscar and severums wouldn't leave it alone and kept biting it and I had no where to put it.

I didn't take anything at all today. I don't feel too depressed, but I'm really agitated from withdrawals I guess. It's making things difficult. One whole day without. :(

:(

I woke up this morning and found one of my fishies dead. I think it was bloat or ammonia/nitrite poisoning. I knew I should of cycled the tank longer than a week, but I was impatient. It was one of my wild geo's that died too and they were really cute. Sigh. Well I'm doing a big water change and will be keeping a closer eye on the tank.

I'm impatient so I took 25mg of paxil cr today. I also just took 150mg of ultram a little bit ago, because I'm fucking lonely, sad, and I want to feel good.

Meep.

I feel better today. I cheated myself and took 100mg of ultram though. Sigh. But... I started taking Paxil again and that kind makes me feel better somehow. I've been getting really depressed after coming down from all that stuff I took on Sunday. The Deprenyl wasn't helping too much. It helped a lot for a couple of weeks, but I guess I'm not going to get anymore benefit from it. Taking it is cumulative, so I don't think I need anymore, but I'll still take it once or week or so. I'll probably get some valium and klonopin when I need to get more paxil. I'm thinking I'll take 12.5mg for two weeks and then 25mg and then get more paxil then, 37.5mg ones I guess.

Anyway I'm going to cut the meth out, and today I tried a cocaine analog and I'm not sure if it's great or anything. It's on top of the ultram, some klonopin and a teeny bit of meth. I hate taking stuff I really do, but last night I broke down and started crying a lot and it took a great deal of effort to stop from cutting myself up. So today I gave in and swallowed my christmas colored candy so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Once the paxil starts to work a little, hopefully I can wean off this stuff again some. :(

My fish are doing well. I fed them some pellets soaked in garlic today and they really ate a lot and are bloated looking. I hope none of them explode or get dropsy, but I think they'll be okay since the pellets were presoaked. I'll probably keep feeding them that way, the garlic really makes them stop being so shy so I don't have to be so paranoid about whether or not they are eating.

I got fish on Tuesday. They are all really tiny. I still need to think of names for them. I guess I should wait a while until I can tell them all apart.

I feel really queasy right now. I don't know if it's from too much caffiene from excedrine or not taking any ultram, even if it hasn't been a whole day. I feel kind of pathetic, but I'm trying and hoping I don't take anything for two whole days. I'm not even on day one. 45 more minutes and I get to start counting the hours and minutes. :(

Two people are emailing me now. Well starting to. I wrote to two people and one has written back, a very, very brief reply, but it's something to pass a good 5 minutes of the day. I wrote a lot to the other person today and hope she writes back even though I have no reason for thinking she'll be interesting, just a feeling I guess.

I guess the cycle of depression is starting up again. I was doing well, for what, the two, almost three weeks that I was drugging myself numb? It felt good, even if the reasons for happiness were false. The smiles, the good feelings, the sensation of wanting to wake up tomorrow had no grounding in reality, everything was falsified or conviently forgotten so there was no ache left. It was stupid. Dreaming of plans that I would somehow make happen, somehow get that person to like me again, or even tolerate me enough to have me around. I wish I had the wits to make it happen. I'm gone from denial, rage, pleading, depression and resignation. A full cycle of human despondency, one that I can't escape where I seem to hover between depesssion and resignation. It isn't any way to live a life. It's nothing to be called a life, not even a meager one. Two days of soberness (only half an hour until it really has been two full days) and already I'm trying to cheat myself and convince myself that taking something now wouldn't break this pitiful streak of abstinence. I'll make it through tonight, it's only a few minutes, anyway. I might even make it another day, or even a week, or who knows, three weeks like the last time I told myself I was going to stop. I don't have the inner strength to not take something, to supplant my feelings and vanish the negative thoughts. I don't have the comfort and the warmth of friends to hold me when I need it most, when I'm about to break. I don't feel guilt at how I act anymore. The most I feel is shame.

Even so, things begin again like they always do. I've been trying to meet new people, writing to who knows how many, hoping, quietly pleading that they'll find me interesting to talk to and will want to continue to talk to me. It's not going very well. To tell the truth I don't want other people to talk to, they are just surragotes when I want to talk to Jen. Communication is too difficult. Talking is like trying to translate a language I haven't ever spoken. I never get along well with people. I can't seem to relate to them and they can't relate to me. It's all an awkward dance, and I've always been too shy to participate.

I feel tired. I guess it's been 2 days since I took anything. I'm still out of it. Sunday, I was crazy, taking a whole packet Ultram. The only good thing out of all of it, is that I've gone two days without it now, because I don't feel great.

I feel like I'm getting really depressed again. I took too much Deprenyl that I slept most of the day away, which is what happens when I do that. It's hard to see much point in anything. I'm cheating myself of time, experiencing a little slow death every day. It's hard to care when I can't redact those memories that mean something to me. The same memories that make me resigned now.

Today I got my little fishies delivered. They are really small. I wonder if I should get a smaller tank to put them in until they are larger. I'm worried that I won't be able to get them to eat anything. They mostly just hide and don't really come out to eat any food. I leave sinking food in there for them and I'm hoping they eat some of it while I'm not around.

Happiness is knowing you have pills.

I blog you

Whee. This new interface for Blogger is really nifty. It's making me all happy and excited again. I get to fiddle with lots of things and feel like I'm doing something useful with all this wasted time!
It's almost good enough for me to start writing real entries again and not all the moronic self-deriding tirades about how my life sucks and it's never going to get better (it's not), but these happy buttons and textboxes are making me manic. Yay.

Now all I need are some friends that will want to read this (why?). Oh well. I guess that's where I am in my life. Stuck no where. I'm depressed - like always. I've given up on love, as that person is gone and I'm unwanted. I need to put my energy in maintaining some meaningful friendships with people. People that aren't stupid and have real feelings and opinions. I wish I knew where to find those kind of people. I'm very lonely and each day is just that much worse. I can only drown myself in fiction and reverie for so long. So, won't someone drag this crying body out of this dark place? Please? :(

New Blogger!

Wow, they really changed blogger around since the last time I've looked at it. It makes me want to start posing more prolifically, but I haven't had much inspiriation (or is that life threatening depression?) to really have anything new to write about. Rehashing the same old feelings isn't much help to me, and I'm sure it isn't help to anyone else.

Oh well. I feel somewhat inspired. I think I'm going to spend some time making a new template that actually works on all computers!

Well, lets see how long it takes me to get a new design up and running. (A LONG TIME).

Everytime I think of you I die a little more

I started taking Ultram again. This is my third day. Each day I've taken one more, starting with 50mg the first day. That makes today 150mg. Not that much, but more than I want to take - none.
Jen won't email me even though I asked her to not forget me and write to me if she wasn't online for a while. It must be two weeks since I've talked to her. I hate having feelings towards her. All it does is break me.
I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like crying every moment. I feel like dying, but I don't have it in me to care. All I care about is the past. I live in the past with my eyes towards a future that won't be. The present rots away and I don't care. I want someone to hold me, someone to care. I want all the things that were. I don't want anything new. I'm too tired to try.