Do not...

...drop anything electronic into water. If you do so, make sure you have a hair dryer nearby so you can try to save whatever it is you've fumbled. I guess I shouldn't try to do anything that requires thought when I can't sleep.

So what's a good word that means gold, golden, etc.? Something that sounds feminine? I'm trying to think of something to name the goldy pleco I have. I'm pretty sure it's a female.

Random Thoughts.

There are few things in the world better than a midnight meal of orange soda and leftover pizza. Ice cubes that have been in the freezer for months on the other hand, are not enjoyable at all.

Day 46.

This is day 46, if I'm counting correctly. Might be off a day or two. Three more days and that will be seven whole weeks! Knowing I've gone this long makes me really tempted to take some though... I kind of want to. A lot. *sigh*

Gmail.

I have all these Gmail invitations and no friends to invite. Do any of you random people out there that read this want one?

If you do, email me and ask me for an invitation. I should use these up somehow. My email address is allen.smith@gmail.com.

Chomp?

I woke up this morning and while feeding my fish I noticed they all had very huge stomachs, as if I had stuffed them on something yummy. This wouldn't be worrisome, except I this was the first time I had fed them this morning and they were barely picking at the food. I didn't think much of it at the time as I was groggy.
A few hours later I'm watching the tank and notice that I'm missing one of my Geophagus sp. This makes me worried as I really like them. After watching for a long time, I still wasn't able to spot the lost one. I ended up taking everything out of the tank, and yep, there are only 3, when there are supposed to be 4.
I guess my oscar had a midnight snack. Somehow. All the things that keep disappearing in the tank are still too big to fit in his mouth...
Now I get to watch the auctions and see if I can find any adults, as the ones I have now might continue to disappear. I probably won't find any at that size. *sigh*. Oh well.

Delete your history!

I hate using someone else's computer. It's not mine and I can't set it up exactly how I like it. I can't break it either by screwing around with it. I can't screw around with it!

One thing about using a shared computer is to make sure you always get rid of your history, or not keep one in the first place. Sadly, no one does this on this computer but me. There is only one other person who uses this computer though. They don't get rid of their history. It's very difficult for me not to look. Who wouldn't look? Everyone is curious. Argh. Everyday the history is filled with escort services. Gah... I don't really want to think about that. Can't it be something normal like porn? Or whatever normal people look at? I think that's porn.

If you share a computer with other people, do them a favor and delete your history.

Oops.

So I'm making spaghetti to stuff myself as I feel lonely and a tad depressed and I get distracted and next thing I know the water is boiling over. Blah! lol. At least it wasn't the sauce.
This is a good night. Usually this would of made me feel even worse, but I haven't screwed up in a while so it's funny.

Sad. Again.

I don't know why I feel lonely tonight. I don't feel especially bad even. There is nothing to do. I'm sitting here at 2 AM, wishing there was someone to talk to.
I think I might be getting depressed again. I felt cheery for a couple of weeks, but the past couple of days haven't been the same. I'm feeling dizzy again too. The MRI came back fine... I guess there's nothing really wrong, except it sure feels like there is sometimes.
Oh well. I guess I'll try to sleep. Or something.

*****: Don't you like me?
Lent Somnolence: what do you mean?
*****: You are acting like you find me... appalling. D:

Whew.

It's been a busy week for me. I'm glad everything is finally over. I can relax and stop freaking out for a while. I celebrated by taking a long nap.

I wonder if the brain MRI will show anything. The experience wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I don't know what I was expecting. It was very loud and a little bit cramped, and I had a hard time staying still for the 20 or 30 minutes that it took. I kept wondering if it was okay to open and close my eyes or let my jaw move. I should of asked before I was in there. Anyway they said my doctor should get the results on Monday, and I went home with a CD with the images on it. Maybe I'll look at that when I'm bored. I have pictures of my brain. I guess that has a certain 'neato' value.

Next week that psychiatrist will be back from vacation. I hope. I've been doing alright with my depression lately on Paxil. For the most part I haven't had any crying spells, or too many feelings of hopelessness. It's been a few weeks since I've felt like I needed to cut. Soon it'll be five weeks without taking anything. It feels surreal to realize how long it has been.

Hey. Blogger changed their posting interface a little. It looks a lot more fancier. That's my excitement for the day I guess...

I'm feeling lonely tonight. This might be the first night I go without talking to my friend. I don't know what to do with myself. All I can do is think about them.

I've cut my AIM list down to an entire 12 people! None of them are talking to me either. I should remove all of them except 3 or 4 names, but it'll make me feel even more lonely. Right now I'm letting anyone message me instead of those on my list and my stalker person was talking to me. It's not very interesting. No one else wants to message me though. :(

On a kind of related note... I don't like these nicknames: Alley-poo, Babydoll, or Honey.

One month.

Yes, it has been four whole weeks without taking anything. I think this is the second longest time I've quit. My memory really isn't that good... Either way it feels good to know that I can still accomplish something.

I'm bored and alone. *sigh* I've been spoiled with way too many good nights in a row. Now I don't know what to do at all when I'm by myself.

For fun, here's the top things for today that people have searched for that lead to my blog...

1. roboxin overdose
2. roboxin
3. phenylalmine
4. provigil xanax
5. effexor 450mg
6. salivia glands
7. pregnelone
8. phenergen anxiety
9. insomnia and amitriptylin

I didn't know I was that... interesting? drug focused? I sure wish I knew what roboxin was and how I overdosed on it. I've searched my own site and can't even find it. lol.

Oh well. I'm very bored. I write boring things in here that have no point. Sorry.

I can't hear. My right ear is full of blood and it's very gross to think about. It's been 5 hours and it's still bleeding, but it's not running out anymore. This sucks. I don't think I should worry as the Dr. did send me home bleeding without any worry. Oh well. Next time someone wishes to insert a sharp metal object in my ear, I will have to think about it.

It's really depressing when I try to think about certain people in my past and I can't even remember their names. I'm trying to make a chronological list of everyone I've had a crush on or liked and subsequently had my feelings hurt. There sure are several names that I can't remember, but I can recall the person. I'm not sure what this says about myself, but I don't think it's good.

I liked a person a great deal and we talked about having children and getting married. Her parents found out about those plans and proceeded to send her to a psychiatrist and then off to a New York all girl's college. I never heard from her again.

I remember a girl I went to youth group with. Years later, after high school, I was hanging out with some friends doing drugs and she walked through the door. I was surprised, but she was probably more surprised at seeing straight a and perfect attendence me there. We hugged and hung out a few more times after the course of a summer. I never saw her again.

I played this online d&d type game for a few years and ended up game marrying someone I really liked. It was a few months before she would complete her training for the Navy. I saw her once again on shore leave.

I had a relationship with someone who had a boyfriend and a kid. I saw her once and then she didn't want to see me again. A few months later she did the same thing with someone else. It made me feel very bad.

There was no point to me writing this, like most of my entries it seems. I feel depressed and overly nostalgic about the things I wish had happened differently. I think I'll try to cry myself to sleep.

Yesterday I added 5 more Buenos Aires tetras to the tank. Today they are all gone without a trace. No corpses. No mysterious pieces of floating fish. Nothing. I suspect the Oscar, but I have no evidence to convict him of tetracide. It's rather sucky as the 5 that are already in there are doing fine, but now I don't have much hopes for them as something in there has developed a taste for fish flesh.
I think I will attempt a school of 12 tiger barbs. They don't get as large lengthwise as the one's that are missing, but they have a steeper vertical profile. Certainly a larger mouthful.
If those don't go over well I'll spend a ridiculous $150 or so for some large rainbowfish. Admittedly they are really pretty, so it's okay for me to spend that much on fish.
lol.

I am awake on one hour of sleep. It's not very fun. I have consumed caffiene, phenylalmine, and half a Provigil (for my narcolepsy) that I usually never take. I'm not sure if I notice anything.

I had a nice dream of being a young lady in New Orleans with a dick. While showering in the dream an unknown woman was kind enough to jerk me off.