I'm not crying. Really.

It's not like I should care, and I don't (and it's a lie). It's not like I should of peeked, and I didn't (and it's a lie). It's not like I care, and I don't (and it's a lie).
It shouldn't bother me, I never treated her like anything except some foolish, dreamy person who had their heart in the wrong place and I just happened to be an easy, convientent person to it with, whenever they so felt so. And for a while that hurt, but, whatever, I let go of that, and shut off any emotional ties (if there really were any) and stopped even bothering to say hi to them, and it was reciprocal with them not ever saying hi to me. Except for the odd moments on holidays they would call and awkardly talk for a little bit before saying bye. I never knew if they were trying to reach out and get me to be "that person I used to be", or if they felt guilty and were trying to make me feel better, because holidays are always the loneliest times. Who knows, who cares, and I'm trying not to.

But, I have to peek and find out what was going on for the past few months where I have not said a single word to her in months, and the results just make those slow tears fall and make you ache, because, well, I'm not even sure why. Can it be a sense of loss to lose someone you never had? Can you feel upset over something that you don't have a right to feel upset? There's a thing called being too emotional and I'm too emotional, too reactive, wanting to search out reasons that make me want to claw out parts of me. So I peeked. It's upsetting that someone who talks about how lonely they are and confide in me, yet can come up with so many reasons to not see me, someone who lives less than an hour away, but can find the time to see someone in Rome, halfway around the world and feel so magical. It's stupid that their magic, their hope, is the things that are so far away, are the things that are the hardest to believe in, the hardest to keep going, the hardest to know if they are real.

I guess I was just too real and couldn't give them the kind of fantasy they wanted.

Sorry.

I kill you

Serial killers often share the same three characteristics in their childhood: they torture animals, they try to start fires and 60% of them:

i. Continue to wet the bed after the age of 12
ii. Steal
iii. Commit acts of violence against their siblings

Happy holidays!

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...

...and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greaterthan any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

So tired.

Feels like things won't ever change, will always be stuck in this, will always be moving in slow-motion and all the things I mean to do will come too late to matter.

Haven't talked about meds in a while, because I stopped caring a whole lot and they just keep on failing. Don't know what the last thing about what I was on was. Was taken off the lithium for about 2 months, couldn't handle it, so effexor was increased, and finally they added lithium back along with lamictal. I'm at 50mg of lamictal finally, in another 3 weeks I'll be at 100mg. Takes so long... More waiting for something that might be nothing. I've been missing my testosterone shots, been too depressed to go to the doctor, when I really need to go and stay on schedule with the shots. It's a chore and the will seems to of left me. For a while, the amphetamine was really helping. Now I think I'm addicted. My dose has been increased to the max and I can't stay awake without it, and even on it I feel so slow, not the energetic, motivated, happy feeling that I got. I have to take 2 or 3 times as much to get that feeling now.

Sinking lower, ever since it started to get darker. Been thinking dark thoughts ever since and finding a reason to wake up just gets harder as the days go by.

Wanting an escape and somewhere with sunshine to go, but none of those places are home.

Spoons.

I had a big long post about spoons, but then my computer crashed. So fuck it, I am sad that my several page dissertation on antiquated dry and liquid measurement systems is lost and I don't feel like writing again.

The point WAS. I really depend on smidgen and pinch spoons in particular.

I also said that I wish I had a digital scale to measure milligrams to 2nd decimal place accuracy, and a pound scale from 1-5lbs again to 2nd decimal place accuracy.

Oh well.

I love my fucking smidgen.

The end.

Advice sucks.

A little advice from a friend:
1. If the girl is married she is not good girl friend material.
2. If the girl is separated she is not good girl friend material.
3. If the girl just got divorced she is not good girl friend material. (It takes a year to recover and find out what you want).
4. If the girl is hosing everything with a pulse she is not good girl friend material.
5. If the girl is picking out rings or inviting you to meet the family before you've
met she is not good girl friend material.
- bettybettyboop1

Shrug

I miss people.

I'm too medicated or not medicated enough, or not snorting enough drugs daily, or I just have a hard time lying all the time to make anyone talk to me.

Worthless days, worthless people, and worthless me. Heartache every morning that feels so bad I think it's heartburn, maybe it's both, burnt too many times, but the experience is too dangerous to stop from happening. I like the feelings even if they lead me to shaking at night and crying at the open sky.

I miss feelings.