A Self Portrait

Today the sun burned away at my face and i just let it burn.
Another angel turned her back on me.
She folded her wings and hung her head.
God you gave me this heart but I was wondering if I could trade it in.
I wail and I weep for I can not sleep for I stare at the ghosts of my own design.

Driving past the quiet steeples in the night.
I harbor these tears in my eyes.
She thinks she is hearing sounds in the night and I am fighting just to sleep.
And I wail and I weep.

The bells will ring in the steeple in the morning.
And I'm just now trying to find myself.
Singing the words to create acceptance were never my good intentions.
And now I've only a house full of regrets.

Shatter the glass of my eye.
And I will come to see this blinding darkness.
And I've lost sight of all that is real.
For I sit here alone. I write a novel of my own.
And there are no happy endings in this tradgedy.

The bells will ring in the steeple in the morning.
And I'm just now trying to find myself.
Singing the words to create acceptance were never my good intentions.
And now I've only a house full of regrets.

Sometimes I am almost content in my sorrow.
My ship is sailing to the seas.
So wave and blow your kisses.
Cause I'm not sure I'll be home anytime soon.

I've set out to fail the world.
I've set out to fail myself.
I will dream the dreamers lie that everything is okay.
When everything isn't okay.

He says my burden is also his but I don't want to put this on him.
Stare up at steeples lost in the night. I find myself so lost on the inside.

And now I've only a house full of regrets.
And as the wind blows it takes with it all the memories.
And as the breeze blows I turn my eyes to the skies and hope for hope
that this will soon come to pass.


I feel tired. I feel empty. This feeling is familiar and old. It's that friend that is always there, except this feeling isn't a friend, it's a ghost that keeps haunting me. It's there when no one is around. It's there when I'm crying. It's there when I'm sad. It's there always. I try to describe how depression feels, but I can't ever describe it in words that do it justice. It's as powerful feeling as love. You can't describe love anymore than you can describe depression. But I try anyway. The closest I can come to describing it is, it feels like drowning. It feels like the world is slowly going black and the water is rushing all around you. You see yourself sinking, you see the water rising, black and ominous. You are full of desperation, but you can't do anything, the water keeps rising until you're struggling for breath and are slowly choking. Depression is like slowly drowning, and each gasp for breath is a herculean effort, struggling to the surface to take a gasp of cold and empty air, only to submerge again and see everything clouded through your distorted jaded and watered eyes.
It's like Sylvia Plath said, it's a bell jar over your head, slowly, ever so slowly coming down, choking out the air and making everything stale, while you stare out behind your glass prison at all the people living their lives.

Yay.

Kids, don't ever let anyone tell you school is more important that video games! Worse come to worst, you won't make it into college and you'll spend your whole life working a dead-end job making minimum wage, but that's just enough to pay for an apartment, an internet connection, and a computer.
-- Some guy on the World of Warcraft board today.

A little better.

I've gotten two cards for Christmas. It's nice to be remembered. It's the best Christmas present someone could ever do for me.
I'm still feeling out of it and having problems with withdrawing from stuff, but getting stuff in the mail today was a great surprise.

i remember you
do you remember me
there’s no way to the heart better than awkwardly
Matt Pond PA

Something I'm missing?

I think these are a great idea. Although I wonder how comfy it is. Laps aren't usually that comfortable to sleep in for an extended period of time. It'd be a nice thing to use while reading though.

(I'm a loser.)

Smile like you mean it

Save some face, you know you've only got one
Change your ways while you're young
Boy, one day you'll be a man
Oh girl, he'll help you understand
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

Looking back at sunsets on the Eastside
We lost track of the time
Dreams aren't what they used to be
Some things sat by so carelessly

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

And someone is calling my name
From the back of the restaurant
And someone is playing a game
In the house that I grew up in
And someone will drive her around
Down the same streets that I did
On the same streets that I did

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

Oh no, oh no no no
Oh no, oh no no no

Feeling small and curled in a ball.

I'm going through withdrawals (again). So I don't think I'll be posting much lately. It's difficult to focus on something for a long period of time and my mind is mostly focus on pills, depression, or how my body is feeling at that moment which usually isn't the best.

Oh well!

Meh.

I just woke up to a big empty 'Meh' feeling. It's dark and no one is home and it feels like crying. For no good reason.

Nothing really new has been happening, or it feels that way. I saw the doctor yesterday and had a medication tweak. I've been fairly nervous lately, but I have reasons this time around. So I'm not rushing to grab some pills even if it would settle my crowded head.

A box of fish was delivered today. I got them all put into the tank and hopefully they are all doing alright. They all were a lot smaller than described, but I'll see how things turn out. More plecos. More plecos. More plecos. I have another box coming in next week.

My grandmother is in the hospital again, still, whatever. She had gotten out for a few days before again getting sick. It makes me worry. Every little thing is making me worry.

This entry really was meh. I had to work just to write this much.

It's been a while.

It is now 4AM. I've woken up more times than I can count. Conversely I've also gone to sleep more times than I can count in these 2-3? days. It's like I'm sick. How is it? It's like I've caught a cold that's about, yeah, 3 years old. *cry*

I can now listen to movies I think without waking my Aunt up. Last night I think she had a bad night. I never really know. She's good at hiding her emotions. But she always has her glass of red wine every night, and this night she was on the phone for several hours, and her prescription bottle of what I assume is her Xanax was out on the table.

I have a horrible secret that some people know about, and some people don't know about, and some people think they know about. I'm not very good about it. I don't even know why I'm mentioning it with circles instead of lines. Well I haven't been very good with that secret lately and I think that's why I feel so sick.

I must be doing a little better now. Even though, night or day, I don't know if I should be awake or sleeping and if I am awake I'm not really sure what I should be doing. This tiny motivation to blog is a good thing though. I had lost that for about a week it seems.

I had met a new online friend, but things do not seem to be working out well in the land of friendship. That makes me want to cry. What's the deficit in me? That's what I always ask, but I always forget, it's not what is lacking - it's what wasn't there in the first place. Is there a word for that?

There are two new Bright Eyes singles that I should go listen to. I need to get around to that. I wonder if I can find the new albums online before they can. I bet I can. It's been so long since the wonder days of Napster. You know what makes me smile? Seeing someone younger than me wearing a Napster hoodie. I don't even care that he wasn't old enough to be around to use it, it's the fact that he's wearing this iconic representation - something that you learn about in college by not going to classes and mingling with the types of people that you won't ever probably meet or hang out with outside of college. What tangent am I going off on? Someone just IM'd me, someone new. Here's to this lack of thought.

I think I'm going to go make midnight, well 4AM, soup. Take lots of vitamin C and hope I am awake for longer than 1-2 hours without feeling like I want to die.

Please don't die.

Why?

So, I posted on someone's livejournal and made a comment. It was a nice comment, but I guess it was a little personal and a little scary. It's deleted now, as if it was never there. That just confuses me. Maybe they don't want anyone to know about this weird person named Allen.

Maybe no one wants to know this weird person named Allen. I feel like disappearing. I feel like sleeping and never waking up. You know I slept until 9PM yesterday, because of how I felt? My head hurt so much and I didn't even want to get out. There was no reason that I could think of.

I'm going to ask them why they deleted my comment, or if it even was on there in the first place. I was out of it last night. So maybe this is all a dream, a bad dream. Those are those worst kind, because with enough time I slowly incorporate them into my own memory and they are real to me and I can't tell if they are a dream are not. Do you know that's a sign of schizoprenia? One of the early signs? It is scary, but I do know at least one other person that does that too and she's not schizoprenic, so I feel slightly assured.

I'm crazy, but not that crazy -- yet.