Look I added a dumb picture of me to the sidebar. I was feeling creative and wanted something to do. I should really spruce my blog up and make it look better or something. I think I will finally get around to dying my hair in a few days, by the end of next week for sure. My shower & bathroom are currently being worked on, which sucks a great deal as I used to take a lot of showers to just sit in the dark and think or cry, and now I can't. I've noticed that my skin has cleared up a lot though, so all that hot water was probably not very good for my skin and making lots of oil, so that's one positive thing. I don't think I've had this bad skin for a long time, certainly not when I lived in MA, perhaps it's the combination of all those showers and the horrific weather here. It's kind of embarassing, but oh well, not many people to appreciate me anyway.

Got a bunch of CD's in the mail today, 3 Faith & The Muse, a Rasputina CDs, The Smiths greatest hits, Peter Murphy best of, um, think that's it, guess it wasn't that much, but I'm excited. More Faith & The Muse is always good and I finally have the song I've been wanting to hear to for so long.

Hmm, I need something to read. Even though I still have 3 books (2 Cecila Tan books & a book that Maegan lent me) that I'm reading right now, but I want something else to read.

Listening to Faith & The Muse reminds me of Jen, they were always one of her favorite bands, along with Rasputina, and I guess I've taken those two things with me when I left, at least the like of those bands.
This is depressing me thinking about the times we listened to it together. Guess it's time for another depressing night, and I'm already full of sweet opiate goodness and I still feel sad.

I've pretty much haven't talked to Ardere in almost a week now, which while is a relief, it makes me feel guilty. It's not like I haven't looked for her, but I also haven't been spending oodles of time online like I used to. I still am online a lot, I don't kid myself, I check my email every hour, but mainly to see if Erin or in the rare chance Maegan has written me, but I don't spend any time on AIM anymore, I just can't stand people for whatever reason, and I only go on MSN to check for Ardere & Maegan, and thankfully I haven't found Ardere. I feel really guilty with the ring that she sent me. The amethyst is fairly large in it, and I have no value of jewelry, but it's definately worth more than the normal rings that I would wear. I need to try to return it, but I think she'll refuse. I still try to e-mail her once a day and try to keep up a facade of friendship, because we can be friends, but she doesn't write very often, maybe she realizes what's going on without me having to say anything. It still makes me feel really awful.

I'm secretly trying to save up at least a couple hundred dollars so I have a reserve fund for whenever I get the courage to visit Erin, gas money and for food and stuff, etc. Not exactly sure how I'm going to save up this much extra when I'm $7000+ in the negative last I checked, getting a credit card bill for more than $5000 today really isn't my idea of a good way to start the day. Money always gets me depressed as I grew up in such opulence and was able to get almost anything I wanted with a little whining, so I guess I squander anything I have as I don't want to have any cash on me as it reminds me of my father and the thought of him revolts and reviles me.
Guess I need to sell more drugs or something, somehow, even though I barely make any money on that, half the time losing money because I'm too nice to charge more than they cost me, but I need to change that if I can.


"where was your conscience?
where was your consciousness?
and where did you put all those letters
that you wrote to yourself
but could not address?"
Ani DiFranco - from Marrow

"We all have our stories, our sadness and our joy. We all have the doey eyed tears and the cresent moon smiles. We all have the empty avacado pit of lonely and the peach colored bubbles of love. We all have the taxi cab fast heartbeats of lust and the slow bass drum beatings of a broken heart." - Erin (from an e-mail)

Pouring hydrogen peroxide into one's earlys and shaking your head around so it can percolate in the insides is one of the strangest feelings in the world, and no I'm not crazy. The Dr. told me to do this each do for a couple of weeks until my hearing in that ear gets better. My right ear has been blocked up for a very long time, but no Dr. ever bothered to tell me how to fix it, and finally I asked this one well what do I do about it. How utterly stupid can they be, to tell me each time, oh your ear is blocked, but not tell you how to fix it? I know I've been a little deaf because of it on that side, but now I'm fixing it. I first learned about it when I did my ASVAB testing and physical down in Denver for the Navy. That's a story I don't want to think about. That was sure a long...and scary time ago.

I can't believe I'm almost ready break into tears over Diana, Luno, Jen and who knows who else. Might as well cry because I can't be with Erin right now too. Might as well cry because I can't hang out with Maegan lately. I guess that covers all the people that mattered and that matter now.
This is going to be one moody and emotional trip I get the feeling. I'm going to be very strung out tomorrow. I'm beginning to already regret it, but I need to feel something instead of loneliness even if it's pain in the middle of your chest kind of crying, it's better to me than the kind of lonely feeling I have right now.

"hell yeah" - Ani DiFranco

life is a b movie
it's stupid and it's strange
a directionless story
and the dialogue is lame
but in the he said she said
sometimes there's some poetry
if you turn your back long enough
and let it happen naturally
oh, yeah
hell yeah

i got a face like a limp handshake
hair like an accident scene
i've been waking up slowly
savoring the same old dream
and somewhere between
the folds of your memory
i was sleeping soundly
oh, yeah
hell yeah

'cause i like you
but i know you don't know it
i like you so much,
i talk to everyone but you
and i wonder
what you would think of this little number
i wonder
what you would say if you knew

if you don't ask the right questions
every answer seems wrong
i was a terrible waitress
so i started to write songs
and i don't know how i feel
but i wonder if you feel like me
do you ever get wrapped up
in the folds of my memory
oh, yeah
hell, yeah

'cause i like you
but i know you don't know it
i like you so much
i talk to everyone but you
and i wonder
what you would think of this little number
yeah i wonder
what you would say if you knew

there's a river of people
that runs past my eyes
and it's beautiful enough
just to watch it go by
but the trouble with water is
she'll always leave you for gravity
i never even told you
i had a crush on you or anything
oh, yeah
hell yeah

life is a b movie
it's stupid and it's strange
a directionless story
and the dialogue is lame
but in the he said she said
sometimes there's some poetry
if you turn your back long enough
and let it happen naturally
oh, yeah
hell yeah

I have plans to get very messed up tonight. I'm just very depressed about things and I'm feeling very lonely like I always do. I spent some time "stalking" by reading old friends online journals (they are public..) and found out that Jen's new bf is visiting her, which really depressed me. I don't know how I can still feel attached. Yeah I do. I just wish I didn't... cries. I wish I had someone to talk to right now, just to get my mind off things. I don't have anyone to talk to online anymore and I need it, I hate, well dislike all the people I have on AIM, YIM, MSN, as I can't have a very good interesting and heart to heart conversation with them, they are just so shallow. Or maybe I'm the shallow one in thinking that, but I don't feel very close to them and they aren't comforting to talk to.

What's even more depressing is yesterday I figured out how long it would take to visit my friend in Durago, even though I probably never will and it's more than 10 hours! Erin only lives 12 hours away and that's Texas!

I wish I had some friends in real life.

Well here goes nothing, 4 pills of gross tram nothing, crushed into a sticky white powder that seems to coat everything wet in your mouth and throat, but you feel oh so good an hour later. Here's to ignorant bliss and the next day of feeling like shit.

I guess now would be a good time to explain the title to my blog and the subtitles I use. The title "Lenctene, a telling" is just myidolized way of saying this is my life and my story. For the subtitles, each word signifies a month in my life and how I felt during then (somnolence, asphyxiation, reverie) and I'm looking towards September already (and August too as I have already named it reverie) and thinking of what it might be like, that's why predilection is in parantheses. I have been here pretty much 2 months, and the 3rd month will start at the end of this week.

"You are like us then," ... "we philosophize about the state of the outside world and we argue and rant, but Forever is still our home and it keeps us safe. We don't want to go out there into the cold and do anything!" ... "Forever is an enchanted place"
_The Bewitchments of Love and Hate_ by Storm Constantine

I think I'm fairly happy compared to this morning. Don't feel quite as sick, but only because I drugged myself a little to stop the withdrawals. Trying to taper down from the past few days, I guess. Having a hard time just dealing with it, so I took one pill instead of 2-4. Hopefully tomorrow I can deal without needing any, but maybe I'll take 1/2 a pill or a full pill if I need it. I feel like such an addict again talking about going off tram, at least it doesn't feel as bad as the last time I went off it.
Erin wrote to me. yay. She had a busy weekend with her grandmother, and freaking out me wondered how come she couldn't make it down to the internet cafe and write to me. I'm so stupid. She told me not to worry this week as she might not be able to go down to the cafe everyday, I assume because it's her last week there and she has her friends and her grandmother and stuff to be with. But I'll still be a little sad, but I won't be freaking out and worrying at least.
She makes me smile when she says she hopes she can meet me soon, but she's worried that my feelings might change for her in real life, which is how I feel about things. I didn't really hide anything and said I've already looked up where she lives and mentally figured out how to get there already... Sometimes I just crack open my US road map and follow the roads with my eyes and wish I was someplace else.
I wish I was someplace else, the where is obvious, but anywhere else would be better than here it feels like. I hate this state, I really do.

"Driftwood: A Fairy Tale" - Cursive

So he would sulk and drink and mope
and cross his arms and hope to die.
And then a fairy came one night
to bring this sorry boy to life.
She pulled some strings
and spun him about.
That boy sprang up
and began to shout,
"My arms, my legs, my heart, my face they're alive!"
And she would cry, "Liar, liar!
What have I done?
You're no lover, and I'm no fighter."

(The story goes on)

So he would buy her things and kiss her hair
to show he was for real.
And she would take those gifts and kisses
though just stringing him along.
She knew about those wooden boys-
it's an empty love to fill the void.
"Pinocchio! Oh boy, how your nose has grown!"
So he would cry, "Liar, liar!
I'll prove it to you!"
But then it grew
He had grown tired of her
So it was true
He left her apartment
And he walked all night long
'til he was stopped by the shore of the ocean.
But still he walked on, amongst the whales
and the waves, and screamed
"Liar, liar!"
And his wooden body floated away.
He just drifed away.

And now I wonder how i was made...
my arms, my legs, my heart, my face,
my name is Driftwood.

I am sick, but not in the typical sense. Drug infleunced, cottony heady drunken stupor of not taking a pill for, what, three days? It's so hard to concentrate, or to even stay awake, but I can't fall asleep, the tossing and turning attracts nightmares. I woke up in a sweat, scared, anxious, all arms wishing for something. Checked my email, no letters from anyone, wrote a letter to Nicole, wistfully wishing her goodtimes. I'm shivering and shaking, can't stop myself from feeling cold, even while I'm perspiring in the palpable heat. Music seems a world away, distant echo in the moss-covered drippy room that is my head, but it's the only thing to hold me and comfort me when no one talks to me.


"Does That Make Sense" - The Jealous Sound

It's the car in the crash
And it all kicks your ass
You can't breathe

It's the start and the stall
And the shame of it all
It's something deceiving

Is there joy in your disease

It's the push of the past
And the die that we cast out
Over and over

With you in my arms I will be new
Stolen charm
Does that make sense to you
Does that make any
Does that make sense to you

It's the song that you bring
As the pawn takes the king
I'm willing to wager

The line for the drinks
And everyone stinks
Cell phone and pagers

Don't feed that line to me

It's smoke and it's sex
And it's what they expect
It's taking me over

With you in my arms I will be new
Stolen charm
Does that make sense to you

With the hold around your wrist
The hope I have for this
These arms will move to you
Refuse to let this die

And if the motion makes you sick
The point I never miss
These arms will lead to you
Believe my side is forever

With you in my arms I will be new
Stolen charm
Does that make sense to you


"Padraic My Prince" - Bright Eyes

i had a brother once
he drowned in a bathtub before he had ever learned how to talk
and i don't know what his name was but my mother does
i heard her say it once, padriac my prince i have all but died from the
sheer weight of my shame. you cried but no one came and the water filled your
tiny lungs. appear, my dear, and cry for me. it was six years ago today that
we laid you in your grave, your sweet young skin was shining then too.
and so tonight to celebrate i will poison myself.
another coughing, shaking fit in a bathroom that is spinning.
so i close the door and rest my head on the tile floor,
sickness and sleep turning me cold.
i am still not sure, is there some better place i should be heading towards?
where the selfishly sick and self absorbed are welcome.
i saw the future once.
i was drunk in a phone booth.
my eyes were wet and red but i could not tell what was said
and through the screams of the traffic voiced carried saying
i am sorry
on a day so gray its black inside
watching churches on tv
in a coma you don't dream you just hope that someone sits with you
babies turn blue when they are ignored like the sky on summer days
before you turn and walk away it has changed you
so tonight to compensate i will poison myself
another coughing, shaking fit in a bathroom that is spinning.

I had the strangest dreams while napping, not really describeable I guess. Ever get that feeling that if you can just write it all done before it's gone you will have a great story to give to people? That's what it felt like.

I feel I'm sick. I'm still loopy and my consciousness feels very small, and the rest of my head feels black. Too many drugs lately, even though I haven't been abusing them too badly... Just a lot more frequently than I used to, past 2 or 3 days everyday and now twice a day yesterday and I can feel it today, the pangs of the start of addiction as I start to feel sick when I don't have it.

I don't like this feeling and I don't really like myself.

I wish I had something to do. Finished reading a really excellent book, that has kind of deflated me to reading anything else. Don't feel like it, when that book is probably my second favorite book of all time now; yes, it was that good.

I get so worried about people when I don't hear from them. I suppose Maegan is having fun or doing something, haven't seen her in a few days. Haven't heard from Erin in a couple days, which is making me worry a lot and feeling pangs of heartache. I wish she had left a phone number to contact her in case of emergencies, but she's probably traveling again, and has no way to write me an e-mail. That's what happened last time, so I'll just wait for a while, nothing else I can really do.

One of my e-mail friends finally wrote to me, after a week or so of not talking, but she made up for it with a delicious read of several pages long. So I wrote back and prattled on for (counts) 7 pages. I seem to get more wordy as time goes on. I never wrote this much in my journal, never even kept a journal until a year or so ago. I was never this verbose in talking to people in e-mail or online. Not that I'm complaining, I really like to write to people and receive long responses.

More boring life today, I can feel it, nothing to even escape it. My sister is supposed to be here sometime today, that will provide diversion for an hour or so, but after that it's back to normalacy. Maybe I'll get fucked up, I'm not even depressed (too much...), just lonely and bored out of my mind. I already feel drugged. I've been having bad headaches almost everyday and they don't want to seem to die down. It feels like I'm just floating here. I'm a very tiny voice, rocking back and forth in the flotsam and jetsam of my consciousness.

I wish someone would e-mail me or come online to talk to me. sigh

Here's a picture of me from this week if anyone cares. Too bad I took down all my GP ads, as I finally have a good picture. I took it for Erin. She calls me her teary-eyed beauty (both literal and symbollic), I think it's one of the kindest things someone has said to me. It's very sweet and makes me blush, but we make each other blush. I want her to get home from her vacation and then I can awkwardly suggest maybe hanging out for a week if she'd like, I know she'd say yes, but I just have to get the courage to. It's strange to miss someone I haven't met, but I miss her dearly, and writing about it just makes me feel it more. It all feels familiar, and I keep thinking about how good Jen was online. I won't let things deteriorate in real life if I meet Erin. I will be a good person, and give the best of me to her.

I'm sitting here smoking a vanilla clove and feeling wistful, wishing I could hold her hand and drink some chai while laying in bed, wanting to be in that idyllic paradise that companionship brings you.

I miss Diana. Holding her head in my hands and playing with her dreads, pressing my face into her hair and smelling the unwashed quality of it, feeling the roughness of texture on my skin, playing with it. Being able to smell the sweat on her body, days unwashed, slightly acrid tang of female sweat, not overpowering. Big ovals of eyes, glinting of emotion whenever she talked. The biggest smile in the world, as real as can be whenever I said "Come, here", and surprised her with a hug. I asked her to never forget me, and she said, "I'll never forget you, baby. Don't worry.". I never was able to see her again after that except on the phone twice. I can't recall the number of messages I had left on her phone, the times I tried to get her to talk to her by asking her roommates.
I don't care about being used, it was good to be used, and I felt alive. Why can't someone just use me, and give me the few things I desire? A bright smile, a hug when needed, and the ability to make them happy. That's all I want and I never ask them for anything more.

Good morning, another day, same life, feels like I should write some lyrics, maybe later.

My keyboard is sticky, no, not for that reason, I spilt some juice on it last night, and now I get no tacticel feedback from pressing any of the letters, it's like I'm typing on the flesh of someone's back, soft caresses, but no moan (or click in this case) to tell me that I'm doing anything. It feels disturbing, like I'm touching air.

Not much new. Reading a book I got today, Stalking Tender Prey, by Storm Constantine. It's good so far, really did her research on ancient history, I especially like the fallen angel slant to it and the reference to old gods that I actually remember from studies! I actually learned something, those few years ago, and remember it.

Nicole should be on the train on her way to Chicago to see Steve. Hope she is doing okay and hope she has a great trip and stays in Texas for a very long time. Her friends are assholes and I hope she ends up moving to TX with her bf, or at the very least stay there for 2 or 3 months and get away from home.

I need to get away from home. I don't care how far away, I just want to get away. A friend's house, a stranger's apartment, anything.

Past 5am, and I can't sleep. Sure am writing a lot in this thing today. I feel pretty lonely and depressed. I want something to do with my life. I have no friends to see. I hate talking to people online (except 2 people), and I only have the enjoyment to correspond with one person via e-mail daily.

My life feels so utterly empty. All I do is read, read, and read. Nothing else. I finish about 2 books a day, and my huge stack of books that I've bought is slowly being whittled away.

The looming weight of debt keeps weighing on my shoulder, and now I have this feeling of being useless and not doing anything with my time also weighing on me. I don't mind doing nothing, I just wish I had friends to spend the time doing nothing with.

Took away all my ads from GP, as I wasn't meeting anyone interesting and I don't want to meet people anymore. I'm past that phase, or whatever it was, that part of being alone, now I'm just content with how I am, having almost no friends at all, and never being able to see any of them; feels like I'm young and how I used to be before I met Jen online. How depressing, except then I really was a great deal more depressed than this. Now I just don't care enough to feel that depressed.

Lent Somnolence: not all semen is salty only if you eat meat
Provoking Puppet: i don't think that's true
Lent Somnolence: my own semen isnt salty its kind of like
Lent Somnolence: umm let me think
Lent Somnolence: a tiny bit sweet but bland
Provoking Puppet: grossssssss

Well just spent more than $500 on medications (overseas), because I needed some stuff. Decided I will try the beta blocker as I read more about it, and didn't know that it helps with social anxiety, and my blood pressure is high when I'm scared as they did notice, even though it isn't normally bad, only a little bad, and I have family history of it, but maybe it's supposed to help somewhat with tremors (so it'll help with RLS some I hope and my seizures), along with social anxiety. And bought asthma medication as my inhaler is almost out and more headache stuff, that I wish I could get different stuff, but no one will prescribe it to me.
So in the morning I will ask my father to pay for this as I can't pay for it. I think he will, but will be pretty pissed, and I'll say well it's cheaper than buying it here (it is), because there's no way for me to get health insurance and I can't get a job because of my anxiety or go to school.

Stuff is stupid.

I miss talking to Maegan. sniff. Talking to other people online doesn't compare and I can't tell them feelings and ask their opinion. And I don't really care about them either, so I can't return the favor even if they are being nice and ask how they are doing without any kind of sincerity other than a distant friend would. Oh well. Hope everything is going well for her.

I think I'm going to ask Erin if she might want to thinka bout visiting sometime time in the future after she returns from Mexico and Californa, (middle of August), she wants to say hi to me on the phone for my birthday, and I think I'll let her. I am curious as to what she sounds like, just to know her voice, not really curious to talk...just hear a voice, and let her hear mine. I guess, if I'm not going to college it can be easy for me to go visit her.
Nicole will be in Texas soon, about 5 days, which I could visit her, but her boyfriend dislikes me greatly as he gets jealous that she spends so much time talking to me, and I don't think he'll take kindly to the idea of seeing me again in real life, when it's supposed to be their time alone. Just would like to see Nicole again and give her a hug, even if she hates them, and say hi and thank you and leave her alone.

Talked to my parents about school, etc. And I said I cannot go to school or work without antianxiety medication and no Dr. will prescribe me it, at least none of the fucking cheap idiots that you keep sending me to, and I'm tired of spending hours begging talking to a psychotherapist, saying yes, yes, I've tried that drug, yes that one, yes that one, yes that one, yes I've tried relaxation techniques, yes I've tried cognitive therapy, no I don't care about the roots, because they are my problems and I really don't want to share them with you (I didn't say that because that would piss them off), but you get the idea. The only possibility is if they go to Mexico and smuggle drugs for me, lol, but I told them that it's very, very illegal as it's scheduled medication. So right now, I'm in limbo, justified in my doing nothing, but hating it at the same time. I don't enjoy doing nothing. I want to be doing something. I want to take a class or two, I want to visit Erin, I want to not be scared again.

I guess in the meantime I'll continue with my hobby, selling drugs to keep paying off debt and continue to fill my room with plants, even though I will probably be eventually moving and it'll be yet another room that I have populated with life that makes me feel comfortable and I have to leave it all behind. I hate leaving plants behind to incompetant people and I consider all people incompetant as no one cares as much as I do about the things I take care of, as they are my things, not theirs. sigh

Well, I guess that's all. Song of Kali is really good, and I enjoy getting some learning while I'm at it about Burmese/Hindi/Sikh/etc culture and learning about Kali in great more detail; the secret cult if it's based on anything (I'm sure that it has roots) is very creepy and enjoyable to read about even if it scares me in an odd way - not a typical horror way, a way of making you feel unsure, I guess because all of this is foreign, it feels like an uncomfortable shadow in the back of my head, and you're not really sure where it came from. Good book so far. Dan Simmons is awesome at horror, he should do more of it, but it's too intellecual for most horror readers to enjoy; it's hard for me to grasp at times.

I feel, tired... And lonely. I feel a breakup with Ardere coming on soon. We haven't talked very much in 3-days because she's been busy with her collection of poetry that she's trying to find a publisher for and doing some last minute editing, she's not on at all except perhaps once a day and leaves after 15 minutes. It's releiving that I don't have to talk to her much, but I also feel so guilt-ridden that I try to write a short email or two saying that I do miss her. Which isn't a lie, I do miss her as a friend... sigh

I think I will meet Erin at the end of August, more likely sometime in September. Things are progressing faster emotionally now, but in a good way. I really miss her and can feel the heartache. It feels good to hurt like this.

Today was completely uneventful. Nothing worthwhile happened. Spent 3 hours at the Dr.'s talking to stupid people, didn't get anything at all that I needed, which I didn't expect. I'm very frustrated and bitter right now. I spent all last night not able to sleep because I was so axious and I couldn't close my eyes, what a stupid waste. The whole thing was a waste of time.

No college, I don't want to try to get stupid medication just to take some classes. Enough trying and enough dealing with people. I'm just happy by myself, thank you.

Yay got more books and cds in the mail today. I've been getting a package or two everyday. Bad Allen. Bad spending. Oh well. I noticed I hit my credit limit on one of my credit cards, which through me into a crazy fit of worry and I sent them a check today hoping that it'll get cashed before my next billing statement or else my interest rate is going to jump to something crazy like 29% and them I'm in very serious trouble. Somehow, or another, I'm slowly getting my debt down even though I've spent like crazy these past couple of weeks. It's under $8000 I think, but because I see the Dr. tomorrow I'm worried about the cost of medication without insurance and if my parents don't pay for it... Well I'm going to be very broke, probably spending over $1000 a month just on medication, which is going to hurt a lot and is so not worth the money, but I miss being able to sleep good and not having to worry everytime I go out. I miss being able to drive by myself without having a panic attack just thinking about it. I kind of miss college and learning, not too much, but I think I will take inorganic chemistry I, and physical anthropology as those are the only things that are really interesting at this dinky college. It is so dinky compared to the Northeast, where the campuses where gigantic and old and full of feeling. FRCC feels, dead, hollow, an institute of stupidity, not learning.

I can't wait to read the other 8-9 books in the Anita Blake series. She's such an awesome character and the novels are great. Such a nice change from the Anne Rice typical vampirism. I can't recall the amount of times I was scared and had to keep looking around because the novel freaked me out. The book is 20 years old too! And she's still writing books in the series. I'm excited.

I started reading Song of Kali and it's good too. I have a feeling I'm going to get really creeped out soon. Black Feathers by Cecila Tan is very good, very good erotica, she is a good author. I'm enjoying it much better than her edited collection of author people's vampire erotica; Cherished Blood just felt weak. I was expecting something a little better, like along the lines of Love in Vein the edited collection of vampire erotica by Poppy Z. Brite. I suppose both are good, but I wanted something excellent, not just alright, or slightly good. I still have another compilation of vampire erotica, A Taste of Twilight to read, it has gotten better reviews I think, so hopefully I'll enjoy it.

Enough for now. Bye.

Yay. Maegan emailed me and I even got to talk to her online for a long time. At night too. So I feel pretty happy and she seems to be doing well, with her bf, so I'm glad.

Don't feel like writing much more. Just wanted to post something.

Got a webcam and took a picture of myself and showed it to everyone and they liked it. I also turned the camera on and let 4 of my gay friends watch me, which was really creepy at first, but then I stopped caring and just moved a window over the video of me so I didn't have to look at myself and let them enjoy look at me, while they told me to take off my shirt (I did, why not, it was hot) and flex and stuff, lol. They are cute like puppies, and pervy like old men.

I just want someone to hold me when I'm lonely and depressed. That's why I sleep around so much with random people when I am at my deepest depression. It's easy to feel cared about in the arms of someone, even if they are a stranger, and the easiest way to get held is to have sex with someone. Maybe I give them what they want (sex), and they give me want I want (warmth in being held). Maybe I'm not a whore when I do that. I still feel like it. I want to do that now, but I told myself not to even though I'm meeting all these people, I'm not going to sleep with them really.

Maybe I should of went to the Snakepit. If feel so confused, especially at night. During the day I'm usually feeling fine, but sometimes I feel lonely. But almost always at night I want to be doing something with someone. I don't know why, I don't know why the night makes it any different.

Finished reading another book. Guess I'll finish off another one tonight if I keep feeling lonely and stay up, which I inevitably do If I feel lonely. I shouldn't feel lonely I have a million people on AIM to talk to, I just have them all blocked, because they annoy me and have nothing interesting to say. Nothing against them, they just don't share their insides with me. They all say I'm the most interesting and kind and nicest person I've met, they only say that because I actually say *things*, and I'm even quiet too. I have 2 unanswered emails from a person, a day old by the end of tonight, and a GP thing I should respond to. I guess I will do that sometime. It just gets progressively more depressing when you meet boring after boring person.

Here's conversation I have with people that talk, since I feel like copying from a board I post to once in a while (about being gay, and a million other related and unrelated things).
some things that I said in a thread that somehow started from vampires and went to discussions of faith:

Re: Today's topic: Real Vampires Certainly the concept of those needing blood of others is not new, but the lack of published and peer reviewed research in scientific journals is of course lacking. Chalk it up to conspiracy theories, or what have you.

Those that truly believe that they need blood [of other's] to survive manifest symptoms of hypogammaglobulinemia, which can be heredity (gives credence to biting and passing it on if you so wish, but the correlation is weak and stretching it thin), or aquired (also you can see this as aquiring the disease from someone that already has it it, typically through a blood transfution - but if you want, biting gone bad, etc.). Without treatment they have variable immunodeficiency, which can be anything from getting colds often to severe HIV-like symptoms.

Typical treatment is supplementation with injections of intravenous immune globulin [the protein part of blood, milk, muscle, etc.].

It is easy to see how one could come to the conclusion, if you had this disease and did not know it, that you needed blood to survive, because drinking blood provides you with the necessary antibodies and globulin that you are lacking. Although I seriously question if drinking blood and having denatured [broken down] antibodies and globulin would help, but I haven't really looked into the subject of vampires; this is all biology to me.

As to whether vampires do exist, well I don't like to ruin anyone's dreams, so I leave the question open-ended, but there certainly is room for speculation.
-
(a post later, in response to someone)

It would lead credence to the term 'Methusulah' [oldest man that lived, according to bible] being used to describe a very old vampire. Although I don't believe in literal transubstantiation [eating the flesh and blood of Christ] as Catholism prescribes, it would raise serious moral questions if one did believe in this and vampires at the same time.

Firstly, if you believe in vampires, would this make Christ the first vampire? He did, afterall, rise from the dead (although this was later added to the bible and was not in the original text). Is Christianity an infectious disease, infecting "normals"? And if they truely are vampires (certainly some of them suck the life out of me when trying to debate with them - but I have no problem with them myself), then what does this say about the religion itself?

This of course has all been talked about by people interested in vampires and I'm just skimming briefly over it, as I don't remember much.

It does raise interesting quandries for those of this faith and who happen to believe in the supernatural (you must, if you believe in the trinity, so why not believe in vampires?; most priests believe in 'angels' and 'demons'. Are angels merely those not infected by Christ, and are demons those who's blood has been tainted?

Etc, etc. We've all sinned, but we're a baptism away from forgivement, or a few more steps depending on your flavor of Christianity. Does that make those who are vampires that are baptised, "safe" & "pure", ie. forgiven for their earthly sins? While the rest of us are happily wandering around, the sinful people that we are, unaware that we are vampires?

Not to light any fires, but when the council [can't recall which] made transubstantiation a literal reality, I think they were really stretching it a bit.
-
(in response to someone that turned it into a religious issue when I was only joking)

Joanie, if any offense was taken, I apologize, it was more in friendly jest than anything.

But, yes, I think partaking in the Eucharist requires quite a leap of faith, much more so than believing in say a mythological creature that draws from old stories and such. To believe in the Eucharist literally requires you to believe in miracles, and to believe in the miracle of transubstantiation is quite a miracle to believe in. The Council of Trent only made this change to further draw the line between them and radical protestants at the time (ie. Martin Luther, Angelicans, etc.) - their own counter-reformation to try to keep their own believers from converting to other faiths; consubstantiation is a much more believable thing for one of the faith (the Lutheran view), where the presence of Christ is in the Eucharist, but it is not literal, but symbollic. Getting offtopic, but reading St. Thomas Aquinas and his defense of transubstantiation makes more sense than the reasons the Council of Trent really had in mind, ie. it is unnatural for one to eat the flesh of one's species, so it is given to the lay people in a form that is accepetable, along with other reasons.

Biologically speaking, no I don't believe in vampires, at least where the term ascribes unhuman powers to those people; but if one wishes to call people afflicted with that disease "vampires", then why not. A little romantisicm never hurt. A disease must start somewhere however, and that's where calling Christ a vampire came in as a jest, transmitting it through blood is the easiest way and of course falls in line with the biological reference I mentioned previously and common mythological beliefs regarding transmission of being a vampire (ie. Anne Rice, etc.). Dedicated theologians against Catholism would have a field day, but I don't really care; it was meant as a joke, again an apology.

I don't believe in transubstantiation in any faith, but consubstantiation, where the "presence" is there, I do believe in, and falls in line with my own pagan beliefs; that is a leap of faith I can make, the other I cannot. The belief of a "presence" during ritualistic practice is present in so many other faiths that I don't think anyone really thinks of it as unusual. Miracles I can't believe in (transubstantiation, the virgin birth, along with most things in the Old Testament), being so grounded in my schooling, my mind just can't except it, but it does not preclude me from having a faith and believing in it.

As for other canons made during Catholic councils, I don't believe any come close to the leap of faith required for what was discussed previously except for when they defined the holy trinity, and even that doesn't come close; and I could believe in that if that was my faith. There are of course many canons that are not enforced, nor do most people even know about (ie. Protestants are declared heretics - certainly not enforced).

Theology is admittedly a very weak point in my studies, as I'm drawing mostly from my history and philosophy studies, but it's nonetheless enjoyable to discuss.
-
(further response by me after some replies)

For me, there is the issue of whether or not God speaks directly to those of his faith. If you are Catholic then he speaks soley to the Pope, and he his your method to communicate with god.

If you are Protestant, God speaks directly to all of the faith, every single person counts.

I think that's the fundamental difference that would prevent me from going whole hog with the Vatican.

Why bother praying? God isn't going to commune with you or give you a vision, his sole speaker is the Pope as per canon law; albeit people pray anyway.
-
(what I posted today in the thread)

I actually wish I had grown up Catholic, it seems so foreign compared to growing up Protestant, then switching to Bapist of my own will, "tried" Scientology (talk about mindfuck and brainwash), several other things for a short bit (was really turned off to faith after Scientology), and finally settled on greco/roman traditional paganism, probably a lot different from what people think is paganism or how a lot of pagans "practice" their faith. But it felt right to me, and whatever feels right to people is good.

There is so much "mysticism" it feels like in Catholism, there is a whole abstraction layer between the lay people and God (sacrements to redeem yourself not mentioned explictely in the bible, not supposed to interpret the bible it is interpreted for you by a priest or other elite, the whole transubstantiation, idololitry is forbidden, yet the church is so garish, concept of tithing, etc.), and it's very interesting coming from an outsiders view.

I had friends grow that grew up Catholic and it's always interesting to talk to them about how they practiced their religion, in a lot of ways it reminded me of a very obtuse kind of paganism (lots of rituals, with very heavy symbolism, an abstracted nature to the whole thing, etc).

I like Catholic churches, very pretty, and I like watching Christmas mass on TV, etc.
-
Blah, blah, blah boring. I think the only reason I go to college is so I can find other people that know stuff and learn from them. It's the most orgasmic thing in the world to me, really, to learn something new from someone; something so utterly shocking and new that it fills my head with wonder. I like that feeling. I hate dull people, but only because they dull me and I don't know what to say. Being a student in college for life doesn't sound that bad sometimes.
This sure is a self-indulgent post where I talk about myself, but hey, it's a private journal so I can do that; and there's nothing really to talk about except feeling lonely and I've droned on about that for enough, or my current lust for a femme boy (one in particular, but I'll leave names out), or my attraction towards Erin (since I've already mentioned her).

I like things slow. I like peeking and probing and digging deep into someone's mind and heart and tickling every little bit of information out of them and giving them everything I know about myself. It's so rewarding. I guess that's what me and Erin are doing by not calling or sharing pictures, etc. Although I'm slightly twisting the rules by giving her lots of gifts. I can't help it, I have to make someone feel satisified in every possible way they'll let me, and she likes to get things, and she likes to send me things. So it's very fun and always brings a smile to my face when I make something or receive a letter in the mail.

Well the relatives finally left. That is very, very good. Had an enjoyable time in Denver with my sisters, saw the Netheworld, Onyx, Snakepit, and the Church, so I'm pretty set if I want to go dancing. lol. Bought clothes I really shouldn't have at Fashion Nation. Just bought 2 collars and a bracelet on Ebay for really cheap, matching purple collar & bracelet set and a pink collar, so now I have 3 collars, don't know why in the world I need 3 neck collars. Also talked the the amazinly cute and stylish and punkish girl that worked at some store on 16th St. Mall and flirted with her as she had The Cure playing and we kept looking at each other and smiling, or asking questions like how are you today and stuff. It was frightingening that I could be so flirty, and I gave her my softest voice and biggest smile and she just brimmed with emotion inside. I wanted to hug her and say, you are really cool, but I didn't. lol. Maybe I'll see her again tonight, I might go to the Snakepit, as I'm invited, but I don't feel like going there I think.

Erin writes me these beautiful and emotional letters that make me want to melt (and I do) every time I read them, it feels a lot like when I was emailing Jen in the very beginning. I don't know If I'm supposed to feel really scared of feel really happy. It's amazingly good, however, in that we will not exchange pictures or call each other (she wants to call on my birthday just to say hi... but I'm not sure if I'll let her), so it's paced how I like it - as slow as humanly possible while making you ache and hurt every second.
Rather unlike the whole Ardere thing and I do need to follow Maegan's advice, as I've been thinking the same thing myself. Just everytime I break up with someone I feel so horrible and awful, because I take it so personally, that I *myself* wasn't good enough for them and that's why it should end and if I was a better person none of it would be like that. If feels like my fault. She's so horribly entranced with me that I don't know how to stop it, I've been trying to talk to her less and hope just be that she will distance herself, but the only thing that happens from that is I get an email every hour whining asking where am I. I hate it. I try to explain when I go to school I will never be on in the hopes that it might make her realize that this is not a good thing, but all she says is you have your own life and I understand that, but she doesn't when she emails me every hour saying she misses me. To say you miss someone is okay, to tell them that every hour is not, it's obsessive and unhealthy. I miss all of my friends, but I don't feel compelled to tell them that all the time. I need to figure something out. She knows something is going on with me. She even asked if I'm trying to break up with her...and I should of said yes. But I wasn't trying to break up with her yet, I was trying to let her know that I feel bad when she writes me an email every hour and makes me feel guilty.

I haven't been on drugs for 1.5 days, which is pretty good I guess. Think I'll go 2 whole days in a row. So I feel pretty good about that, except my head and back are killing me from taking pain killers everyday, every little ache I have is amplified a million times because I'm not on anything. Have been doing a lot of read. Currently trying to read 3 things right now, the book Maegan lent me, the Wraeththu series (good, but very..thick.. hard to read, not intellectually, just slow), and some vampire erotica which seems to like to have a lot of short stories dealing way gay sex which is turning me on a lot more than I thought. I really don't like girls at all except to hug and kiss and touch, but I like having oral sex with guys a lot and girls too. I don't really seem to like sex, but I've only been with 2 girls, so I don't know, I always enjoyed everything leading up to sex a lot more than sex itself. Oral sex just seems so much more intimate and passionate and I love it.

I applied for mental disability and hopefully I'll be able to get it, as that will pay for my medication and give me some money to live on. It took me 2 years in MA before I got it as the waiting list was so huge. I am seeing a stupid Dr. on Friday as my father insists that seeing a Dr. will help, when I'm very doubtful if he will be willing to prescribe me what I need as Dr.'s are not. And plus I don't even have the money afford the stupid medication if I have any. I need medication for my anxiety and seizures even more than that so I can actually have a good night's sleep. My parents just refuse to pay for it, makes me want to kill them as they don't believe there is anything wrong with me and it's all in my head. I'm not crazy and anxiety is a real thing and so are my seizures. I feel like crying.

Well that's all for now. I really wanted to go to the greenhouse again but my mom isn't here and I can't go out by myself because I'm so scared. I keep filling my room with more and more plants, but it's no where near brimming and that's how I want it to be, luscious colors of green surrounding me and a nice living courtain of different Ivies that I will grow myself.

Talked to Nicole for about 4 hours and had a really intelligent discussion. I feel so mentally refreshed. It's been a long time since I've been able to have such discourse with someone. We got into Electra & Oedipus complex and talked about that; and then talked a great deal about sexual stigma and societal values placed on it and meanings of sex and romance and differentiation between the two. I really liked talking to her. I like it when we get into smart conversations as she's witty and intelligent and not many people are up to my level (sorry) and I am usually toned down naturally so I don't come off as an asshole. Just felt really good.

Maegan wrote to me, and it felt really good to hear from her again. I've missed her so much. I do hope she still cares about me as a friend. I think she does, she just has a lot going on in her life. It's hard for me not to be paranoid all the time and think she hates me for whatever reason I can think of at that moment, but I think we'll be good friends forever and I like the thought of it. Emotionally I can open up to her more than I ever have been able to with anyone. I don't even have to try to open up like I have to with most people. It feels comforting to express myself to her. I just miss being able to talk to her each night and tell her my thoughts and personal feelings that are going on inside my head, that's why I'm so depressed lately. I can't deal with my own thoughts and by letting them out and talking to her I could deal with myself, but now I can't. It's really hard. It's kind of a disgusting feeling that I can't handle myself and my own head. I should have control over myself, but I don't.

I wish I could talk to Maegan. :( I miss talking to her and I have so much to say because I've been depressed and a lot has happened.

I've been really bad lately... But I didn't do anything bad today, I just don't feel like it. I don't feel much of anything. Don't even know why I'm writing, but I feel obligated to as I feel bad if I don't say something at least once a day.

Drugs, drugs, drugs, keep me from sleeping. I'm so productive though. I do so much more than I ever did, instead of just sitting around and laying in bed crying. I still do the crying, just not on drugs.

I'm really depressed, but no one cares, and no one reads this anyway. Just some stupid words to type to myself and remind myself how worthless I am.

Met a cute boy today, with a really nice ass. 16 years old and he still doesn't know much about being gay or relationships. I don't want to have sex with him even though he'd let me. I think I just want to cuddle with him and show him that a guy can be a nice person and like him and not want sex. He's in an abusive relationship with a 21 year old who fucks him in the park at night and hurts him and calls it SM, but he's a jerk. I told him to stop seeing him. I hope he does, but I know he won't, because he's so lonely. I don't blame him. I'd stay in that relationship too if I was in it, because I feel lonely and I want to get hurt, I deserve it. He wants to watch movies and cuddle or introduce me to some of his friends at the Netherworld, which seems like very scary. But I've lost my fear. I lose my fear when I'm depressed and I do the worst things I can think of to myself. Things that will hurt me a lot when I am feeling better. He's so sweet, I don't want to use him, so I'm not - I hope.

Set up a date with Tami in two weeks, on Sunday, to see her in the park alone. She will pick me up and we will hang out and get stoned probably and I'll give her some things to make her feel good and we'll cuddle and make out probably. Maybe even fuck in the park. Parks seem to be meant for fucking.

Am supposed to see Ryan again tomorrow too. No sexual attraction at all other than waxing romantic for a schizoprenic that is really strange. No fucking him until I get more depressed. I give myself about another week before I hit that point.

More annoying life. More annoying me.
Doesn't anyone care? No.

I'd cut if I could. I'd die if I could. But I guess if I punish myself enough I'll get some lesson out of this and learn something about myself and my depression. I'm amazingly not doing much drugs. Only once every other day now so far. Instead of twice a day when I was an addict. Haven't shot up with anything yet....either. So, all in all, I'm in pretty good shape. I feel happily depressed.

Go me.

I don't think I've felt this lonely and depressed and self-loathing in a long time. I'm seeing someone in...45 minutes. That I've never met before, just told him lets meet and hang out, smoke a bowl and see a movie and then chill at my house if you want. I hope I don't fuck him. I always do that if I am depressed is fuck everyone I can and hate myself even more. It's beginning to feel like that's what I'm doing again. Going to meet another guy soon at the Netherworld hopefully and do some stupid stuff. And then another one. And another. And another.


I hate myself.

I have plenty of syringes. Nothing worthwhile to mix up in them. How depressing. Yesterday I snorted 2 lexotan, took 2 soma, 4 tramadol, and 2 cyproheptadines. I wish tramadol mixed well with water, because I'd be shooting up with it right now. Pulls out his credit card. No one fucking cares about me, I might as well get some heroin or even better nubain and start shooting up everyday. At least I can pretend to be happy and feel happy. It's better than this shit, it's better than wanting to be dead every single second of your life.
Sweet tramadol here I come, oh how I abuse you and how you abuse my body. I love you, please hurt me when I wake up. Or maybe enough Soma to make myself pass out, the most I ever took was 10, 20 sounds good. Supposedly it'll stop smooth muscle if you take enough, but I've only ever passed out (maybe my lungs stopped breathing for a while), and I always wake up with the hugest headache if I take a lot of Soma. Oh what the fuck, lets mix it all up and take everything I have and have a good time and pop open a bottle of champagne too.

I love myself, I really do.

Millencolin (bad religion)

The last selection in the ballgame.
Does never get a pass.
"Not appreciated's" just his first name.
He's the scapegoat of the class.
There are no friends to cheer him up and
no girls, no sweet romance.
It's impossible to expand,
when you never get a second chance.

Do you know, who's that guy, who's all alone?
Do you care enough to see? He's in pain and misery.

He's not going to the school-prom.
He said he had the flu.
Trumped-up excuses he told his mom.
-I'm safer here with you.
She told her son. -Someday, they'll all be
sorry for mistreating you.
Don't be afraid my son and trust me.
-You'll be someone they will look up to.

Do you know, who's that guy, who's all alone?
Do you care enough to see?
He's in pain and misery... Do you care enough to see?

Do you know, who's that guy, who's all alone?
Do you care enough to see? He's in pain and misery.

Blink 182 - Adam's Song

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd have known?
I trace the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone
I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over I'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone
I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never step foot in my room again
You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault
I never conquered, when ya came
But tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still felt alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I've survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone

a,
teary-eyed Lent.

Half the time I want to die and run away from everyone. Some of the time I want a million friends, but they all end up being liars and cheats and frauds. The rest of the time I just want to be near someone who doesn't lie, even if I have nothing in common with them, and even if they don't say a word to me. It'd make me feel secure.

I don't feel secure now with people that I know, with their names changing every day, and their lives being a made up story. I only ever feel secure by myself, or perhaps in a rare moment I might feel secure when I'm with Maegan talking to her online, but I feel like I'm a bore and I don't want to call and do anything to screw up what remains. I know I'm very paranoid and it's hard to think good things about myself. So I never have a clear idea of what is going on in my life. All I know is I feel alone, insecure, and I really miss people and hate people at the same time.

I have a sore throat and I'm sick, but no one cares anyway.
Blah.
Good morning world (after 3 hours of sleep).

People are assholes. Stefany is probably in jail now. Last I heard she had run away to PA to escape the police. But she has the same car and same license plates, so I don't think she will have any luck. I hate Alex, I said I would give Stefany a car so she could drive around in safety, I would give her a free place to stay, and enough money to get started on a new life. He's too damn jealous to even let me help her, as a friend.

Why, oh why, are people stupid??

Everyone hates me.

"Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children" -Katja (source unknown)

Ah. Sweet Tramadol bliss, I love you opiate, you don't hurt me like people. I think it's time I started shooting up again, what's $100 on a vial of Nubain for a few hours of complete bliss and utter happiness, heaven. I'm already broke, so It'll help me forget that, and forget all the people in the world.

I haven't felt this happy in a long time. Why did I ever stop?

You know Tramadol is contradicted for seizures? Isn't that great? And I have no seizure medication either, and I'm only supposed to pop 3 pills in 24 hours, not 3 pills in 5 minutes; and I just popped 5. Yummy. I really don't care about myself I realize. Why am I even writing? I think I'd die if I was allowed to, but suffering is so much more painful, and I don't deserve anything good. I give people the best I can and I get the worst in the return.

Oh, what the hell. I want to feel better than this. I'll snort two Lexotan and snort two Soma while I'm at it, and pop a Phenergen and see if I have any barbituates left to make me pass out happily. Yay.

I must of had the worst nightmare in my life, because I wet my bed. This is a big secret, but goddess, only Maegan reads this. I used to wet my bed up until probably 13. I'd have horrible nightmares and I guess I had a really horrible nightmare last night. I can't remember anything about it, that's the scary part, but that's usually how it works.

I need to get away from people, even people in real life. They're really messing me up inside, more than I can say.

I just got really fucked over by a friend playing a huge mind game on me. Ashtyn this guy I met online about 2-3 days ago, has been pretending to be a million different people and talking to me. And I thought they were all different people. I liked him. I thought he was cute. I cared about all his stories, but they were all fucking lies. Cancer, everything. I feel so fucking hurt. I already had someone fuck me over a month ago, Stefany, and I don't need this.

I'm going to take a shower and curl up in a ball and cry. Why can't people just be honest with me. I like people for how they are, they don't have to fake it.
*cry*

Stop fucking with me people. Go the hell away. I hate you all.

Bright Eyes
"Don't Know When But A Day Is Gonna Come"

Is it true what I heard about the Son of God? Did he come to save? Did he come at all?
And if I dried his feet, with my dirty hair, would he make me clean again?
They say they don't know when but a day is gonna come, when there won't be a moon
and there won't be a sun. It will just go back to the way it was before.
I knew a lovely girl, with such pretty pride, and every man wanted her, and so did I.
So did I. But she up and died in a fit of vanity.
Now men with purple hearts, carry silver guns. And they will kill a man
for what his father has done. But what my father did, you know it don't mean shit.
I'm not him.
So you think I need some discipline, well, I had my share. I have been sent to my room.
I've been sat in a chair. And I held my tongue. I didn't plug my ears. No, I got a good talking to.
And now I don't know why, but I still try to smile when they talk at me
like I'm just a child. Well, I'm not a child. No, I am much younger than that.
And now I have read some books and have grown quite brave. If only I could just speak up I think
I would say that there is no truth. There is only you and what you make the truth.
So I will just sing my song and I'll pass a hat. Then I'll leave your town and never look back.
No, I don't look back because the road is clear and laid out ahead of me.
I'll get home and meet my friends at our favorite bar. We'll get some lighter heads for our heavy hearts.
And we will share a drink. Yeah we will share our fears and they will know how I love them.
They will know how I love. They will know how I love them.
I am nothing without their love.
I don't know when but a day is gonna come when there won't be a moon and there won't be a sun.
It will all go black. It will all go back to the way it is supposed to be.
Is it true what I heard about the Son of God? Did he die for us? Did he die at all?
And if I sold my soul for a bag of gold, which one of us would be the foolish one?
Which one of us would be the fool? Which one of us would be the foolish one?
Which one of us would be the fool?
Could you please start explaining? You know, I need some understanding.
I could do good with some explaining. You know. I want to understand.

I want to die. I can't take mean emails from her. I don't know what to do. I'm wandering around and I can't focus on anything. I don't feel like crying. I feel like tearing my insides up and cutting them out.

Some nights you can't sleep. Well I slept 3 hours and woke up. Good thing about having friends around the world is that they are awake when you can't sleep. lol. Think I'm going to do some midnight? (4am really) trimming and water my plants. Seems like the choice thing to do at an hour like this.

Strange me.
Lent

So talked to Ardere and told her about open relationships and she thought it seemed ok. So now I have some weight off my back and I told her she can sleep with her roommate all she wants, and her roommate likes the idea. So it's good for them and it doesn't bother me at all. Her roommate wants me too. Bleh. But I'm allowed to cyber and have relationships with other people now and hopefully she won't freak out.

I'm kind of worried about Maegan. I called around 10pm on her cell phone and left a message. I hope her day went okay. Probably just has a migraine or something and went to bed. Just hard not to worry. :(

Oh goddess. I just payed a credit card with another credit card, I really am getting poor. I don't have any money to pay it off. I'm feeling pathetic. *cries*

I talked to Aimee today for the first time in quite a while (2 or 3 weeks?), and I guess Stefany's correction's officer came and took her away and no one knows what happened to her. I think she's in jail or something, because she hasn't contacted her boyfriend Alex or her best friend Linda. I'm really worried. I know she did a lot of shit to me and lied, but she is still a friend, people are always my friends and I'm worried sick. I wrote her an email in the very rare chance that she might be in a foster family and can check her email. I just don't know what to think. I'm scared and no one knows what happened to her. I don't like it when people disappear, and it isn't even her fault this time. I feel awful. Maybe I should of started being online more and kept trying to talk to her and maybe she wouldn't of done whatever she did that got her in enough trouble that she got in trouble and couldn't be on probation anymore or whatever. I'm so worried and there's nothing I can do about it. I already did all I can do. :(
Why do I have to worry so much. :(

She's a good person really, if she is able to grow up. I don't want bad things to happen to her. :(

In other news Ardere got wicked jealous and pissed when I didn't come home last night to talk to her. I said I was going to be gone all day, I told her that several times and she wrote me a mean and very possesive letter too. I don't know what to do. I do like her and her daughter too. I talked to her on the other day for 30 minutes on the phone and we had a good time, and I left her a message when I came home last night, and I called her this morning and talked to her for another 30 minutes. *sigh* She's high maintenance and I feel bad for saying that, but it's true. I just wish she trusted me more and wasn't so reliant on me and could be alone once in a while. *sigh* She doesn't even understand when I want to be alone, just keeps saying I've been there and it's time for you to open up now. *sigh* It isn't that at all. I just don't want to be around you Ardere, and that isn't a mean thing.

Everything sucks.

Nicole half-jokingly asked me to visit and I said sure, but she stopped at the last second, because she knows everyone would freak out if I was there and she doesn't want to freak her friends out and have them pissed off at me. I'm sad. I wanted to go visit her. *sigh*

Why does life suck?

Visited Maegan last night and it was pretty good. Wasn't as scary as I thought it would be, which is good and I don't think she was too scared of me I hope. :( I hope she liked me and wants to see me again. I have a hard time figuring out real life things and telling what a person is thinking. I hope I wasn't scary, but it just felt good to hug someone again, and it's been a really long time. :(
*sigh* Well I guess I'll find out what she thinks of me when I talk to her online, hopefully I'm an alright person at least.

This is what Maegan got when she took the short Enneagram test.

Conscious self	Overall self

I retook the Enneagram test this time the long version, I think the 4w5 type fits me better. What do you think?

Take Free Enneagram Test

Conscious self	Overall self

Am I a whore?
So I was talking to Ashtyn today on Yahoo Messenger (I finally broke down and I have 3 instant messaging programs on my computer now - ugh), and we talked for a 15 or 20 minutes and it was really good conversation, flowed really well and there were no breaks and he seemed to like me a great deal, which was good, as I think he's a very sweet boy. Then we went into a chat with one of his friends that he knows, Katja from Slovenia, and we all start talking, and before I know it they are both trying to cyber with me. Lol. I guess I just went with it and Katja took the lead, which was pretty scary as I had just met her, what 5 minutes ago?, by being dominate and me playing the good subby, and poor Ashtyn wanting to cyber with me too and asking Katja if he could play too, but she said no just watch, so he sat there and invited another of his friends, Joanie, I guess to watch. So Joanie and Ashtyn sat quiet while me and Katja cybered and then we all talked for a while after that. I feel bad for Ashtyn, but I think he doesn't mind watching, but I think his feelings get hurt really easily and I wish Katja had let him particpate too, as I was afterall his friend.
So anyway, I'm a big whore. Not only am I doing stuff with Katja, Ashtyn, and probably Joanie, but I'm also doing stuff with Ardere.

Well that's my dumb life for today. I have to balance all these people. Ardere is really jealous of people and possesive of me and wants me a lot. Katja, Ashtyn, and Joanie are very easygoing and don't mind if I play with any of them or other people. I wish Ardere would like me less, but she's so into me now that I don't think there's any going back, and I know how lonely she feels as I feel that lonely too, I just want her to slow down and take a step back and breath for a second.

Things feel more complicated than they should be, and I feel more guilty than I should. I really shouldn't of screwed around with Katja as I didn't know her. *sigh* And then there's Ardere, who I don't want to hurt. And every person keeps telling me how sweet and nice I am. I wonder how long I can be sweet and nice trying to balance all of this? Joannie thinks I'm sweet. Ardere loves me and thinks I'm sweet. Katja thinks I'm sweet. Ashtyn adores me and thinks I'm sweet. Erin adores me.

Out of all of this, who do I like the most? Erin and Ashtyn and maybe Joanie, as I talked to her for quite a while after everyone left and she's really nice and good to talk to, except she's married and has 5 kids, but she's bored of her life and her sexuality is very much in the question (she seems to like Gay boys a lot and doesn't understand why).

Well that's enough of me writing for today. No more Yahoo or MSN tonight. Just Nicole and Maegan, two people that I don't ever avoid.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I'm talking to a million people and I like every single one of them. What's wrong with me? I'm going to hurt someone's feelings by doing this, I know it, but I just want someone that cares about me. I don't even know what kind of person I want to care about me. The time I find someone that likes me I don't like them, because they like me. It's stupid. This morning I let myself get out of control and erm. cybered with Ardere Saga, which was good (I guess? I got her off 3 times.), and she made me feel loved and cared about. She's really good at that, and she says I'm the best person in the world and the most caring person that she's ever met. Everyone says that about me. But I don't feel it. Now I just feel all confused and tired and bad. I do like Ardere, but she likes me a great deal now, and it's very easy for me to say I like you to someone, because I do, and it's not much harder for me to tell them I love them, which I did, which I hope doesn't lead to any hurt. She wrote to me expressing concern about how things were now, and I told her I'm scared of things going fast, which I am, and I don't want to hurt her, because I really do care about her and do like her, unlike other people that I stop liking when they like me.
I just feel all fucked up and I don't know what to do with my emotions. Why do I even let them out, they just lead to trouble and confusion. More times than not it leads to the other person hurting more, and that hurts me so much to know I hurt someone.

Why do people have to like me when I've been a horrible person to them? I was reading Melissa's journal and she was talking about how much of an asshole I am for doing what I did to Jen and calling the police, etc., and then she proceeds to defend me one of her friends commented and said yeah, Allen sure is an asshole. And Melissa goes on and on saying you have no right to say that about him, you don't know him, and even though he did a lot of bad things, he is still a good person. That hurts me more than anything. People that hate me think I'm a good person. Why can't they just hate me.

Do you like to hurt?"
"I do! I do!"
"Then hurt me."


I think I'm going to get fucked up, I can't think about all of this. People confuse the hell out of me and I don't know how to feel about anything.
I don't think I have the maturity to have anyone, not even a friend.

Stayed up real late talking to Nicole. Wish I could just drive over there right now and cheer her up, she's actually thinking about it now, which worries me as she almost never changes her mind.

Another test I took. This one was real good and insightful.

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Test

Take Word Association Test

I have issues with...

race chaos money excess selfishness

I'm really proud of the thing I'm making for Erin, it's going to be so cool and I've never done something so hard and extravagent. I hope it turns out okay. Reminds me of the time Nicole hand-made a coloring/sticker book for me and mailed it to me. That was one of the most awesome things I've ever gotten in my life.

I didn't post at all yesterday. That was my first day that I skipped writing, I guess I just had a lot of stuff going on in my mind and didn't think to write it down. I feel a little guilty though. My journal is a place to keep my thoughts so I can look back and remember, my memory is terrible because I block out too many things that there are always huge gaps and if I don't write down everything I'm scared that my past will be forever lost.

Today I'm going to try to go to the greenhouse and pick up some plants, don't know if I'll get around to it. I want my mom to go with me and she's pretty busy today.

(listening to jack off jill's version of barbie girl. hehe) dances around...
Guess that's all for now.

And since I'm going all out I think I will send her a combination of herbs & roots, not sure what yet. A fairy wand (for Titania queen of the fairies, to grant wishes), 7 job's tears to bring good luck, and a witches burr to strength it all and round it out, all inside a mojo bag so she can carry it around with her. This is going to be fun.

Ohh. I figured it out now. I'll make a card out of pressed wildflowers for her and I'll write with a tiny paint brush dipped into loose incense (sandlewood I think. mmm) and give her a nice message. I think that's a good idea. I'll need to double check this idea with Nicole and see what she thinks. But it's a good idea so far. Off to figure out if sandlewood will convey the right feeling. Hmm. Let me think. No, too calm. I think I'll fragrance it with honeysuckle oil (lust, love and romance), just a very tiny bit, hardly noticeable. Then I think I'll cast a spell of wishing on it (casting a spell of love or lust or something like that is just wrong, but wishing is a good thing). I think I'll make a blend of vanilla & frankincense incense and write with that, it should be soothing, calming and slightly seductive at the same time. Ahh this is such a fun project.

Today has been good so far other than my slight headache. Only slept maybe 3 or 4 hours, but I don't feel that tired. Ended up talking to Nicole till 2am like usual. I feel bad for her because she's so depressed so I spent about 4 or 5 hours this morning making another package for her, sending them to her to in the mail today and hope she gets them soon so she'll be cheered up soon. I need to think of something else to make for her. Hmm... Maybe a smudged charcoal drawing of something, except I'm bad at arty stuff, but maybe if I keep it simple I can do it. Or maybe I can mail her some river-washed pebbles of lots of pretty colors that I can collect from the tiny stream nearby, that'd be a neat thing to get in the mail. I need more ideas. I like doing stuff for people. I'm also trying to figure out what to make for Erin as I want to send her something and she's sending me something too. I think what I'm going to do is take some wildflowers if I can actually find any in bloom, hopefully blue and white morning glories, press them and make a layered card out of pressed flowers and write in the inside with calligraphy and make it all pretty. If I can't find any morning glories I guess I'll have to go to a flower shop and buy something, maybe carnations and pluck out the petals and use those, or use pink and yellow roses, press a few of them and take apart a few of them and use the petals also for variety. I hope it works, it's going to take me a lot of time and effort to make a card out of flowers, but I think it'll look really neat. I have to think of what to say inside it that will be special for her. Oh well, it'll be a fun project. I think I'll ask Nicole for help since she graduated as an art ed. major and knows a lot about crafts and probably has some good ideas. Erin asked me if I would like to hang out with her and watch movies and get some yummy Indian food and listen to Bright Eyes (swoon!) sometime in the future. I said yes, as it sounds really awesome and how can I go wrong with listening to Bright Eyes with someone else. Just the fact that they like it makes me love them, that they want to listen to it with me and cry makes me love them even more. She's awesome.
I do hope the car gets fixed soon as I really want to visit Maegan and just find out if we can be good friends in real life and if we enjoy each other's company. And there's playing makeup too, which is always good. I looked on ebay trying to find some blue plaid bondage pants, as I've been wanting some and my black bondage pants are just so boring. I need to get some colored fishnet shirts too, pink and green I think. Soon as I get money...which will not be soon. Oh well. And I need to buy a new veggie O-ring collar since I left mine behind.
Enough writing for now. Bye.

I'm so happy today, relatively. Comparing this happiness to how I've felt the past few days, or even weeks, it feels like this is the best day in my life. Kind of silly, isn't it? Well this is why I'm happy. Erin wrote back to me, guess she was just gone for a long time (She was in CA and was also on a 3 day road trip for the 4th), she's a pretty busy person, but still takes the time to write to me and always tells me how happy she is to hear from me and glad that I responded to her ad. That gives me such a warm feeling inside that I'm important to her and she has so many feelings in common with me, if afraid if we ever met we would spend all our time watching movies and stuff and crying the whole way through it (a good thing). Met another person that I added to my AIM list (it's growing! 6 people!), she lives in CA and is named Liz. She just turned 14, but she's acts more mature than my 20 year old friend on AIM that I currently have blocked cause she's so...how she is. Another person even emailed me from Durango, she's crazy uppity goth, but in a good and is very blunt and honest. I like that in a person. Hope she doesn't find me too terribly depressing, I hate bringing sad people down.
I even worked out today. My working out hasn't been going well. I'm down to twice a week or so, but for some reason I'm making huge gains in almost every exercise which never happens. I get lucky, I might add another 5 lbs to one exercise out of 10-15, and now I'm stacking the weights on on like 6 exercises last time and 5 ones this time. Kind of weird, but I'm not complaining. I started doing leg stuff, because I wasn't before and each week I stack another 5 or 10lbs on it and it doesn't seem to want to stop, but my legs aren't getting gross, or toned even really, so I'll just keep stacking more. I stopped doing tri's & bi's and normal bench presses. Switched to doing incline presses and shoulder presses to work on my other muscles so I have a good balance. Damn. I wish I had a guy to appreciate it. Lol.

Caylina, Caylina where are you? It's been 8 years since I've talked to you and I still wonder if life has brought you happiness that I couldn't bring, that I wasn't allowed to. Everything always comes back to you in the end and I still think about you. Do you still think about me? I wish I knew.

"Sunrise, Sunset"

Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
Swiftly go the days.
Sunrise, sunset.
You wake up, then you undress.
It always is the same.
A sunrise and a sunset.
You are lying while you confess, keep trying to explain.
The sunrise and the sun sets you realize
and then you forget what you have been trying to retain.
But everybody knows that it is all about the things
that get stuck inside of your head,
like the songs your roommate sings
or a vision of her body as she stretches out on your bed.
She raised her hands in the air and asked you,
When was the last time you looked in the mirror?
Because you have changed.
Yeah, you have changed.
Sunrise, sunset.
You are hopeful and then you regret.
The circle never breaks.
With each sunrise and sunset there is a change of heart or address.
Is there nothing that remains?
For a sunrise or a sunset.
You are manic or you're depressed.
Will you ever feel ok?
It's a sunrise and sunset, your lover is an actress.
Did you really think she would stay?
For a sunrise and sunset.
You are either coming or you just left but you are always on the way.
Towards a sunrise or a sunset, a scribble or a sonnet.
They are really just the same.
To the sunrise and the sunset.
The master and his servant have exactly the same fate.
It's a sunrise and a sunset.
From a cradle to a casket.
There ain't no way to escape.
The sunrise and the sunset.
Hold your sadness like a puppet, just keep putting on the play.
But everything you do is leading to the point
where you just won't know what to do.
And at that moment you may laugh
but there is someone there who will be laughing louder than you.
So it's true, the trick is complete.
Now you have become everything you said that you never would be.
You're a fool! You're a fool!
Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset.
The sunrise and the sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
Go home to your apartment
and put the cassette in the tape deck and let that fever play.
Sunrise, sunset.
Where are you Arienette?
Where are you Arienette?

-Bright Eyes

What incredible luck I must have on GP. So far the count is... 1 response in about 20 emails to people, and that one response was Stefany, so if I discount for the lying, hateful people, I think my chances of meeting a friend online is about 1 in a 100.
What's so wrong with me that people don't want to write to me? I don't say anything offensive, I'm nice and polite, and I think I'm as friendly as I can be when I write.
I don't get it.
Can't someone like me just a little bit? I want to feel worth something.

I'm too upset to fall asleep. I called Maegan and talked to her, but I think I just made her feel uncomfortable, with me not really saying a great deal, and the whole subject matter too. I feel pretty bad. I wrote another letter, because I don't know what to do and if someone just tells me it's easier and I don't have to think.

I'm full of tears and they won't stop.

I really hate myself, I do. I hate my life. I hate everything.

I'm trying not to let myself cry. I'm not going to cry because one of my parents said something to me. They don't deserve any tears from me, but it's hard to hold them back. It's hard to not just buckle over and clutch myself in a ball of hurt and cry and cry. I curl up and hold myself and cry dry tears, I won't give them any tears if I can't help it.


Mad World

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tommorow, no tommorow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

- Tears for Fears

Another depressing day.
Nothing has happened to make me feel more depressed, but nothing has really happened to make me feel especially happy either though. I feel pretty horrid physically and mentally. Spent most of the day sleeping because I was so tired from not having any good sleep. I still feel tired. I feel all tense all over, like something bad is going to happen and I'm just waiting for it too... I wish I knew what that was.
I feel like I'm drowning and I can't breathe, and everytime I try to say something it comes out wrong because I'm underwater. People make me depressed. It makes me more depressed that I want to have people around.

More being alone, leads to me writing to more people on gothic personals. It's really enoyable, really, writing to people and having them not respond. (The sarcasm feels so thick to me - I think it's because I'm so depressed). I think I might get a response this time though, as I kept my response very short instead of saying quite a bit like I have been. Maybe being shallow lends itself to mystery or something and makes them want to ask questions, instead of me just spilling it all out without them needing to ask, taking away from whatever fantasy it is for them. I actually added someone to my AIM list today. Saw their ad on gothic personals, was an ad for long-term relatoinship, but they said they were looking for friends too, so I added her to my AIM thinking that I would be able to talk to someone new. She is good in a frightening and scary way, but I think she has the wrong idea (or I don't have the right one..) and wants me. Which normally I wouldn't care about, but I talked to her for at the most 15 minutes before she had to go because her Dad came home and needed the computer and she was blowing me kisses and telling me to stay happy. I appreciate the thought, but the kisses after only 15 minutes of talking scared me.
She made me scared of her more than anything, so right now I currently have her blocked so she can't see me and I won't have to think about talking to her, until I figure out what I'm going to do better. I feel confused I don't even know what I want. I just wanted someone to talk to and a friend to hang out maybe and she had to scare me, she was being really good up to that point.
I'm stupid.

I'm sad and utterly lonely (again). I'm trying to keep myself happy by trying not to cry or do anything that will make me feel worse, but it's pretty hard. I don't know why I can feel so happy some days and feel so bad other days.

I had a whole lot of dreams last night, which is really weird for a lot of reasons. First, I usually don't dream. Second, I usually don't remember them that vividly. Third, if I dream it's usually about different things not the same theme over and over. I wrote to Maegan when I woke up so that I could write down as many of the details as I could, but by the time I was almost done I had forgotten the dreams I just had (I thought I should write the oldest ones first and I'd remember the newest ones). Oh well. Just thought I'd write about it because it was unusual.

Lent Somnolence: happy freedom
Provoking Puppet: yup
Lent Somnolence: and the right to have the sexual partner you want.. oh wait.. and the right to do what you want to your body.. oh wait..
Lent Somnolence: but nonetheless happy freedom for those freedoms we do have
Lent Somnolence: it's ironic that you are playing world domination on the day of our freedom btw. but i like it
Lent Somnolence: you little george bush jr.
Lent Somnolence: lol
Provoking Puppet: ewwwwww

I think I have all the friendship I need in Maegan, she is just too great and wonderful and sweet. I want to hug and hug her sometimes because of it. I guess I'm just so lonely and bored all the time and I can't put up well with myself and my head and I want some kind of distraction and that's why I've been wanting so much for people to write to me, but no matter what I write to people or the kind of ad I make, or how many times I revise it thinking it'll make a difference, it just doesn't seem to make any difference. I feel kind of bitter, in knowing I could be a really nice person to anyone if they would write to me, but they won't. Am I just too honest when I write to them and say too much about how I suck? I just want to be upfront and let a person know what kind of person they're getting into, I think it's only fair. I really am kind of bothered that Erin just stopped writing to me after what, 3 letters? I don't think I did anything bad and her last email was long and she seemed interested in me quite a bit. Maybe she's on a vacation or something. I think I'll write to her and just ask if I wasn't the kind of thing she thought I was, but I still wish her the best in her future (and I do mean it). I think I have a hard time letting go of people, even if they didn't really mean much to me.

My life is really stupid and comical at times. I told my dad to withdraw me from classes a few minutes ago because I can't get any of my anxiety medication sent to this address and I had spent almost $1000 trying (I tried again last night, if it works I'll have it by the end of this month - but I doubt it'll come). And he was like well we can try other people's addresses. Well. I don't even have the money to try in the first place, but whatever, fine. More debt doesn't matter when it's already so much, $6000 last I checked, so another $1000 trying I guess doesn't matter a whole lot. I don't see why it matters so much in the first place if I go to college or get a job or whatever, I'm 24, just let me rot and realize I'm screwed up and can't deal with people instead of trying to ignore it. It's stupid. I don't even *want* to go to this stupid college here, there is not a single class I signed up for that I'm very interested in and it'll be a lot of work not dropping out of boredom. I don't feel academically challenged by any class and I think my whatever test I take shows that I'm not stupid, they know it more than anything seeing me in high school, etc. I just want something interesting and I'm not going to get that at any college here in CO, at least in MA I had classes that were interesting and that made it worthwhile for me to keep going to college; I didn't really care about getting a degree. Life is stupid. I want to get out of here and do something that means something to me.

I miss Maegan a lot. :( I hope she comes on tonight, it's getting kind of late for her so maybe not. Oh well. :(

Things are a lot better with Maegan, but to tell the truth nothing was bad in the first place. I just let my imagination run wild like I always do, and assumed the worst. She's the most kind, forgiving and understanding person I know. I don't know many other people that would put up with me and still want to be friends with me.
I wish I could write more, my head hurts too for some reason, so I can't seem to concentrate very well. My neck and top of my back are really tense along with my headache and giving myself a backrub just isn't that great. I stood in the shower for 10 minutes and let the water massage my neck as best it could. I guess one good thing about Jen is that she'd always at least give me a 5 minute backrub if I needed it, even though my muscles were as tense as a rock and you need really strong fingers. She'd usually resort to punching my back, which actually felt good when I was that tense, lol. Oh well.

I feel kind of weirded out last night in that I talked to Nicole a lot, but she asked me a lot of things about sex and I never really talk to her about stuff like that (she's a virgin), but she's umm visiting her bf for 1-2 months and wanted to know about condoms and lubricant and sex. So I helped her out as best I could, just feels kind of weird in retrospect. Actually a lot weird, but I hope I helped. For some reason everyone seemed to ask my advice on what to use and I guess she's carrying on the tradition or something.

I've told her big massive secrets about Jen that no else knew except me, but I wanted to tell her because she's been her friend since forever and she cares about her and I'm not there to help Jen as a friend since she won't let me, so I wanted someone to be able to help Jen and understand her as well as I did. So I told her everything I knew about her pretty much, all the secrets and all my theories and why she is how she is. It felt like a grand expose or something and I felt kind of bad, but I also felt like I was doing it for the best interest of everyone and I know Nicole will use the knowledge well. Sometimes I think I'm way too caring. Why am I going through the trouble (and pain thinking about all these things) just for someone that pretty much hates me and refuses to talk to me unless it's some emergency? I think I care way too much about people and friends, and everyone in general. I wish I could tone my caring down or something at times, but I just can't.

I guess bye for now blog.

My body is punishing me.
I close my eyes and flicker like an addict. Take it! Take it! Take it!
I fear he already did. Underneath my eyelids there's no sleep, just nightmares:
bad blood, tainted trust, and thoughts unwelcome.
The poppy colored violet haze burns me. I can't see through anything else.
My mind is punishing me.
I can't stop it. I can't stop thinking. I can't stop wondering.
Stop it Allen!, I yell to myself voice echoing hollow, but nothing happens.
I'm feeling a bit crazy and every word seems like poetry, when it's just all muddled
and stupid, confused like me.

No sleep, no resolution in my head, just more confusion.
Maybe I do need those pills, those antidepresent pills, certainly not those other ones.
The hours of forgetting aren't worth the hours of punishment tenfold on me, and nothing gets better.
I think I deserve the punishment with or without the pills, it seems fitting when I'm so stupid.
I don't know what kind of pain I'm feeling to feel it through the violet and blue, to have nightmares of my worst fears,
it's something I haven't felt before, but I don't feel like crying and I don't feel hurt, just stupid.