Shy eyes.

Again, she's over there. Self-induced misery, for whatever reason. I'm not a part of that life, and have been gone for months. Why make a phone call out of no where just to say hi, and catch up on things? How awkward of me and how, well, it was good intentioned, but what was the point? When someone doesn't want your help, advice, good-will or whatever, then all I've turned into is their tired record, add a little static and a feeling of inadequacy for not being able to please and help those from the lost past.

In both instances I was with someone in the past who liked the princess metaphor, especially ice princess, and all those conocotations, good and bad, especially that emotionally bad ones where feeling is distant if at all there, or misunderstood and leading to problems. With K. I have this all again, and am I stupid to indulge in it, and say I like it, so say I like calling her that and that I like her on a pretty pedestal, no matter how much she says she isn't that. I guess I answered my own question when the person says no. I'm giving myself false expectations or hope, or who knows what. I don't expect anything. I am expecting nothing. Half the time I'm trying to figure out how to say goodbye to her, but I don't get enough time with her to properly get into a discussion like that, and the other half of the time I'm trying to discuss plans for a possible summer and what might happen. Split. And what a horrible thing for me to be splitting over, I can't find the gray, and I can't find the appropiate middle ground.

I think I'm just lonely.

That's the saddest part of all, especially for those that know me, and can fall into a trap of liking me. I cry too when other people cry, I don't mean to ever make the hurt happen. The hurt just comes with me, delayed, hitching a ride and then taking it's toll on you. Your heart and emotions and all you can give until it's definatively over. But things are never over and I can always start over and that is the worst thing in the world. I don't want to push the restart button with someone, because second times are worse for me. Always. There isn't a point to this post, I just want to feel a little emotionally numb, and please won't it bleed out? No, I can't do that, but I can imagine. Sigh. Which is almost as bad.

Hug.

For them, thank you

I'm afraid of the things I manage to gain. What is this loss that seems to happen, whenever something slightly good happens? I'm sorry I'm not the most perfect friend, associate, or person of the moment. I forget things. I forget people. I forget possible futures. I can't explain why, other than maybe things have changed enough that a rare moment of clarity lets me see a different path, a change here, and a step there, that will take me somewhere better, a place away from self-abuse, and abuse from others. Sure I hand out emotional abuse like everyone else, and they give it back in return, but I think I don't want that anymore. Regardless of the charm that person has, regardless of the spell they have put me under, I don't want the extra payment that I will always be oweing you. You can take my soul freely, but don't keep on taxing me. Can't I ask that of a friend? Maybe I should stop putting myself in circumstances where I let myself feel their punches and screams, and just not look at that side of life where the results of my fucking up is gloriously living, dying, or melting down. And then I push that back, I'm left with that empty part, and the person to fill it, has not been around. Is it because they, themselves are an empty soul, and really have nothing much to offer me? I do my best offering what I can, but of selective traits I have, the the that was singled out, has to disturb me most. I can understand it now that people have explained. It just felt weird. Growing up, I always wanted to be liked because I was pretty, or cute, or something like that. Shallow, simple reasons. Things I can wrap my head around, the things that I looked up to in pathetic way, seeing all the smiling and happy couples together, but calmly ignoring the cognitive dissonance the pair made. So maybe I should walk around, and rest my head against any willing person, and see if there is any cognitive resonance, a little response, that soft sound that you can only translate into a smile.

Always reaching too far, but I spent 11 days in LA, and got to see parts of the city, the valley, and points north. I learned of the class of Target, of rushed runs trying to purchase forgotten items, the slightly giddy smile and thoughts there at the fun of doing. Yes, the fun of doing. They were good times. Talking, talking, talking. Being hugged. Yes someone let me hug them! The best feeling I've had this year will be that first hug. I hope another year brings something more than that, I am slowly collecting a few memories for this year, good ones, and even though I've done so little, I've done so much with myself and recovery.

I hope I can continue and not regress, points like these I feel like I'm going backwards yet again. I need that stable place, I need to stop falling, I need a group of people that care (but again, that died, even if they were online), and I need real friends that care (I've gained that and many curses at distance).

So what have I gained? A friend, that appears to enjoy being around me and I hope, thinks I'm a good person, and a person worth keeping around as a friend. It's hard to think that someone can enjoy me as a friend when my world is built on a tremelous pile of what-ifs, but as far as I can tell I'm an okay person. It's an odd conclusion for other people to make, isn't that just common sense to everyone? It isn't common sense when you've had it beaten out of you, taught out of you, and finally stamped out of you as you try to crawl away once more. I feel like I'm coming to terms with this idea called an individual who lives for themselves, and does things that are to benefit of themselves, rather than the other person I used to be and play on days when I was unhappy or happy and full of drugs and wanting to punish myself. The games of chameleon were fun, but I think they are over. I'm tired. And creativity has been lost. I don't know if I have any healthy ideas left, all the ones left in my head are not things that I'd ever want to play out. Thank you for being my friend A., and accepting me, even if I might of had faults (I can't seem to dig any out of you on if I did), but thanks for letting me stay with you and your husband. Thank you so much for those nights spent smoking out on the balconly just talking, talking about good things, things that don't necessarily matter, but talking, letting me know that I still have this skill inside me and that I can still be a human with a voice. Thank you for that. That you for the other nights of staying up late and doing those other things, being silly and foolish, who knows. I didn't know what I was expecting from those things, but it was fun, thrilling, and impulsive. I hope you acheived some fun while done some of those things. Only wish I could of given you more hugs in person, such that I do online, but I know I'm over the top with that. Thank you for hugging me when I asked. I can't explain what that meant to me, other than trying to wrap it in words. Let me try. Thank you for sharing yourself, in physical comfort with me, willing and wanting, all because I asked. Thank you.

As for the future now. I don't know. I am trying to continue to get better with my therapy and medication plan, but yes that helps me get better, but it doesn't get me out of here. I don't know any friends that need a roommate, where I could pay rent and then go to a local community college. I don't know any people that would do that, and have a potentially unstable person living with them. Unstable in a depressive way, hardly communicating way, but not in a blow up and explode way. Just a sad, wait until it's time to die way. Well I'll shunt those thoughts outside the window and leave them for another time, for when my own depression improves to the point that it can be called partial remission.

Thank you again A. and N. for the time spent together, the accomodations, the words and ideas, and the friendships gained.