Perhaps tomorrow I will do something. I feel myself slipping and I know the more I do to myself and deluge myself with chemicals, the more I chase a dragon I cannot catch. What will the poison be? It's been a long time since I've flirted with la Fee verte, or perhaps I should call it laboisson du diable from how its magic treats me. Tonight, tonight, maybe I'll have forgotten how I feel right now.
I wish the sleep I crave would come of me, I dream of sleep when I do somehow succumb to it's sweet succor. Why is it so hard for me to taste just a piece of what I want? Love, happiness, friendship, trust, and a fulfilling life is too much to ask for. Can I simply have a small taste, a crumb tossed under the table, to this begging dog, from people that do not appreciate what they have? I suppose the answer is no, for not a morsel of sleep has been given to me tonight.
Please bring me closed eyes and a still mind and unleaden heart. Sometime, please.
Saturday, January 31
In my minds eye I hold a tattered blanket close to me. It's a thin barrier of protection and a thin cloak of illusion. It's a patchwork quilt, faded, and tattered, old. It's as old as me, or at least as old as the memories in my head are. The ones that I allow myself to remember, or the ones that keep haunting me -- I can't remember which way it is. Each patch is a friend that I knew or used to know, the frayed ones on the edge are people far removed from my life, but I still hold some of their memories wrapped up against me. The newer ones are people I know right now, but I never know which ones will stay and which ones will somehow migrate towards the end of the blanket, towards the periphery of my memory. I'm clutching it close tonight, every night I do and hope I don't cross that thin line that I seem to be walking everyday. The line between being alive (or whatever you call this desolate life), and being in a temporary madness only wanting for it to end, to scream out and cry at the same time and to want my mind so dulled that I can't think anymore, so that I feel dead and can escape the tantrums and rages of my emotions that make me lose control and only remember things in vague descriptions of color and displaced memories that don't seem to belong to me. It all seems so fake to remember times like that, when I break down and the world falls apart, leaving just me and my emotions and the world to confront each other. Each time me losing, for I have already broken down and the tears are clouding not only my vision but my mind until I'm not thinking straight and nothing makes sense except the need to escape the hurt. I've been treading this line between madness and depression, each day hoping that I can continue this weak effort, even though it consumes me totally, physically and emotionally. So far I haven't crossed that line again, but I'm afraid of each new day. I'm afraid of sleeping, and I'm afraid of not sleeping. I'm afraid of myself, and I'm afraid of everyone I know. All I have to protect me is an imaginary blanket from my own madness, my own imaginary fears.
Tuesday, January 27
Wednesday, January 21
I did not sleep that well last night. I tossed and turned a great deal and kept waking up every few minutes it seemed, with an anxious stomach. I slept about 5 hours and got out of bed around 8 and took my meds. I'm still tired, I wish I could just lay in bed all y day and do nothing. I hate being awake. I feel a lot better this morning as far as my depression, but I still don't really want to do anything and am thinking about putting off the library still. Sigh. I procrastinate so well.
I'm very worried, enough that I had to take half a xanax just to get myelf down to a somewhat reasonable level. I'm care so much about my friends and last night I just didn't know what I could do. Nothing is enough, when you always want to make someone feel better.
Everyone is mad at me about last night, well the people that could intuit that something had changed about me. Lauren told me I should of called and was really sad about it. I feel guilt for it. I know she said I can call for anything, but it wasn't an emergency. I was just doing something that I know isn't right, but it works and has reliably worked every time I've done it. Sigh. Brianna was mad that I didn't ask her first, I think, or maybe because she knows that I'll do it again since I've started. I don't know. Jen was upset, I think, because she thought maybe I had gotten depressed from talking to her, or that a change in a relationship with her didn't make me noticably better. I don't know.
I talked a lot last night to a few people. I shouldn't really get into details here. I hope Jen is doing okay. I hope Tessa is doing okay.
I feel sick to the stomach today. I just read an article about the willing cannibalism case and I can't deal. I can't think about stuff like that. It's making me freak out really bad and I'm going to go take a shower to calm down. No cutting. Just hot water and closed eyes. Why do people do what they do, I don't understand anyone. I don't understand myself, but at least I can stand to be around myself - usually.
Tuesday, January 20
For the few? people that still read this (2 that I know of), one mentioned that I don't attribute my quotes often, so I'll try to remedy that. In case they want to find out more about that specific person, to know who said it, or to learn more about that person.
"What is carved in human flesh is an image of society." --Mary Douglas
I do not like this reflection. I do not like this depiction. I do not like that I am a historian of abuse, of trauma, of hurt. My body is becoming a roadmap to follow stories. My stories and footnotes to other people's stories. I hurt too deep for tears - tears are now empty, passionless, and fall freely. It's something I've experienced enough, that it no longer effects me the way it should. I'm an addict of hurting, and the tears no longer satiate my fix.
"Scars are stories, history written on the body." --Kathryn Harrison
I've been thinking more about the issue of self-hurt. I was going to cut a day or so ago, but stopped, purely by luck, because someone was online that I wasn't expecting and I talked to her for a while. Today I feel very bad, I feel nothing. I do not feel a single thing, but a lack of feeling anything - so intense, that I want to escape it. There are no problems bothering me right now that I know of. There is nothing that I'm upset about that I know of. Why am I like this? I don't want to feel like this. I even take drugs, both legal and illegal to stop feeling like this. I even resort to cutting myself at the worst moments to stop feeling like this. Why is this feeling of emptiness so pervasive in my life? Is it emotions picked up from other people I know? Stories of their lives that embed themselves in my mind. All of it put together that I can't think of anything, because all my thoughts are filled with hurt and pain? That not even my own mind can provide an imaginination that I wish to escape to? I know that my scars tell a history, for each one is there for a different reason, but what about now? What stories will new ones tell, when I inflict them because of lack of emotion? What person put that scar there? What memory does that scar hold? I do not know. I'm scared. I want to feel. I don't want ithe answer to be as simplistic as me telling myself, "I put that there, because I wanted to feel something else.". If I really wanted that I could reach for drugs, they work well enough. For this feeling of nothing though, it does not work well enough.
Where will my salvation lay when this too no longer is my fix? Please tell me something that can give me hope, for I am without it.
this is only funny to me because i like religion. but who cares. i post it anyway.
Taoist orders a hotdog from the Zen hotdog vendor.
Taoist: "Make me one with everything"
Zen Vendor: "That will be 2$."
The Taoist hands him 5$.
Taoist: "Hey, my change?"
Zen Vendor: "Changes comes from within."
chocolate and blueberry juice not not make a good breakfast.
Monday, January 19
I did not sleep very well last night if you can call it that. It was pretty much toss and turn, and look at the clock every 30 minutes, but I did stay in bed the entire night. Some thought kept haunting me over and over, but I cannot remember it now. I wish I did. All I know is that I was worried about something and I just kept thinking about it.
The previous day was enjoyable after I got over my very, very bad depression. It just kept getting worse and worse, and I was getting scared of what I might do to myself so I broke my fast from Ultram (one more day and it would of been a whole week - really amazing for me), ended up snorting more than I want to think about, but I felt very good for most of the night after that and spent most of it talking to Brianna as she talked and took breaks to bleach and dye her hair, which is now a dark purple I think, but I haven't seen a picture of it. I also told her why I was feeling bad, which I have been holding back on for a while, and I think things are okay now. She doesn't seem bothered by why I was getting depressed and I think I'm better with the whole situation now.
Lauren talked to me a little and I shared some of my writing with her, because the past few days she's been sharing a lot of her artwork and a lot of her writings she does to express herself. She called me brilliant, which is really way too big of a compliment, but it made me blush horribly. She also wanted to know when I could come visit and I said anytime in Feb. I can go to Colorado Springs.
Cassy was home today from Denver (she moved there Tuesday). I've been really worried about her, as I know she gets very emotional at night and cannot deal well with things on her own without anyone to talk to and she has bad problems with feelings of loneliness. She's in a new place, has a new job, and no friends there except her Dad which she really doesn't get along with. She has to buy a bunch of new clothes to work at the capital as an intern, that is just sucky, I mean I kind of expected it, but she already dressed pretty professional anyway. She doesn't have true online there, in the sense that she can't be on AIM or YIM to talk to someone when she needs to, which is why I've been thinking about her almost every night hoping that she was doing okay. She told me that I should email her, and I said okay. And then she she said "No, really.", which surprised me as we aren't super close or anything we just have kept each other company for a ton of nights. We're not the kind of people that you would expect to be friends as she's as different from me as you can get, but we both get lonely at night and pretend snuggle with each other because we are so sad and feel so empty. So I will try to write her an email, I'm just unsure of what to say to her, because when I'm around her I put aside my depression so I can help her feel better, and it's a lot more difficult for me to do that in email, as I'm just fairly frank and say how I'm feeling, even if it sounds like I'm whining. I'll try to write a good email though.
I'm supposed to call Maegan today, but I'm kind of nervous. I don't really know what to say. I mean I have missed her a lot as she was one of the sweetest and kindest people I have known, but I'm always nervous on the phone, no matter how much we've talked online and I've even hung out with her in real life and I'm still so shy on the phone that it just sucks.
When I woke up I saw someone online that I hadn't seen for about a week, I was kind of surprised as it's an odd hour for every time zone really (I think it was a little after 5:30AM), and I said good morning, but it was not a very good morning. I was told something that I was not at all expecting, in fact I kind of just blanked from the shock of it, and then I felt horrid to the extreme, but I also felt useless at the same time, not know what, if anything I could do to help. I always want to help if I sense someone is feeling bad, or is feeling bad, for whatever the reason, the reason doesn't matter, I just want them to feel better. I just do not seem to have the skills to make anyone happy even if I try and try. Sigh. I'm actually crying over this, and I don't understand why, it doesn't make any sense to me that I should cry. I don't think I want to think about this right now indepth and figure out why I'm reacting this way.
Sunday, January 18
I'm not sure, what is worse, getting inspiration from Christian Rock and writing things that just lack the feeling that I want it to show, or just sitting here crying to a God that isn't there for me. I feel spiritual right now, or rather I want to be, or I feel that I should be, or think that I'm missing something that people have. I'm not sure if it's because I feel closer to whatever is out there when I hurt myself. I notice that there is something there, that I haven't noticed before, just something that I can't quite explain, but it's there. I wish I had faith in something, or that I could lie to myself and pretend to have faith in anything. I don't care what it is, that's how far down I am. I hear my own whispers of the Lord's Prayer on my lips, and I stop myself and ask myself what is this foolishness. I stopped believing in that a long time ago, if I ever did. I lied to myself just to have something to believe in, just to have something to give me strength, and it did, but I couldn't take the lies, and I couldn't take the looks, and most of all I couldn't take the deception to myself -- so I could have something. The lies always hurt the most after you stop believing in them. There is no one there, and there will never be anyone there, so why am I reciting a lie to myself to a God I don't believe in? I want something to believe in. It used to be so easy to fall in love and believe in it. I've had enough broken hearts, and I've lost most of the pieces, that I feel as though I've put back shards of glass into my chest instead of my own vitality. It hurts to even have the desire and want there. It hurts even more to think I might feel that way again, and how will that feel on this shattered glass heart, it's ready to cut me for feeling and I'm so easy to bleed. Have I learned my lessons? Was there a lesson to learn from any of my experiences? I learned that feeling hurts. Now I don't want it, but still my body betrays me and slowly feelings creep up upon me that I don't want to feel. Why do I have to hurt myself this way? I already hurt. I already hurt myself. Do I need another way to punish myself? Am I sadistic, for feeling this way, for hurting myself knowingly in so many ways? I don't enjoy it, I know that, but I keep doing it. These things are addictive, but I still try find belief in empty answers. I wish I had something to fall back upon. I always envied those that had true faith. They always had inner strength that I lacked, the strength that I so desperately want right now to stop me from feeling anything.
Who can I rely on, when I can't rely on myself? Who can I fall back on, when I will run away? Who can I believe, when I am a stranger? Who can I trust, when I will just lie?
Sometimes the feeling never comes.
When all I want is someone to notice you.
When all I want is someone to care.
The sun can be shining, but I don't see it.
The love can be there, but I don't feel it.
Sometimes the feeling never comes.
The price for my joy is just too much.
To show my face means they will judge.
They always judge.
When all I want is the will to get out of bed.
When all I want is some understanding.
Sometimes the feeling never comes.
I really wish I could put the feeling down on the page the way that it feels inside me, but I don't know how. I don't know the words to say, and I don't know how to combine them to make it equal what is hurting me. I try anyway, if I didn't try, then I'd just have to keep it all inside.
I never was best at smiling.
I never was best at laughing.
I never was best at trying.
I never was best at being Allen.
"The truth about childhood is stored up in our body and lives in the depth of our soul. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings can be numbed and manipulated, our perception shamed and confused, our bodies tricked with medication. But our soul never forgets. And because we are one, one whole soul in one body, someday our body will present its bill." --Alice Miller
I take pills everyday, as prescribed, by someone who listens to my problems, who shows sincerity and honestly wants to help. The pills do not help. I do not know if I perpetuate this bleak state of mind, always coming back to it. I remember now my own body, continually marked by myself, and try to smile and cry at the same time.
I remember, my scars of previous months have slowly started to fade, but they are still an ugly muted red. They still remind me of the intense flood of emotion and the quick, hard, silver slash of control. I remember. I see the bright, blossoming blood, seeping out between the interesting layered complex of skin, subcutaneous fat, and pallid pink muscle. It's almost orgasmic, no, it's better than sex, it's better than putting something into my vein, or snorting cocaine or ultram, or anything I've tried to numb the emotions that just will not stop. It's a crimson scream from inside my body, crying its red tears down the length of my naked skin, coloring it with raw intensity. I watch hypnotic, strangely pleased, as my own medicine takes work, and then my eyes close as I feel something inside. I feel a soothing warmth starting deep in my abdomen, that floods my body percolating through my veins to every part of me. To the tips of my toes that were tense, to the fingers and arms that were shaking, to the clenched eyelids that were pained with crying, and finally to my own volatile mind that would not let go.
This cultivated society of needs and necessity force me to do this. I am not wrong. I am not crazy. I am not broken. I am only a simple person who wants to have dreams again and the motivation to want to have a future. I do not abhor people, but their thoughts make me sick, with their animalistic simplicity -- violence and hurt, their sick sadistic thoughts -- they are more sick than me. What terror are they thinking about me as I walk past each person? Do not tell me.
I am scared I will die, without this ability to cut myself. I love my scars. I love the memories associated with each and every one. I can touch each one, run my finger along the tightened knot of flesh, that I find so pretty, and recall with clarity why it's there. I love the memory cocooned inside every scar, safe, unable to be born again to release their collective reverie on me. Each scar contains bruised emotions, but they are always trying to be reborn, to grasp a grey empty fold of brain, to fester and grow inside and until it makes me remember what I've tried so hard to bury in my own flesh. These scars are graveyards I have made, to stop myself from making my own to hold it all inside, forever, never thinking again. If I stop watching myself, just for a second, and let myself slip, these dead emotions waiting to be reborn in my scars will blossom into beautiful butterflies made of hurt. Their wings of thorns brush my skin. My insides clench, as I am reminded of the emptiness inside where I once had a heart. Old memories float on their wings fluttering before my eyes, dust the color of ash falls before my eyes fashioning a hidden landscape replete with people, feelings, and yes, the hurt. It wants to be relieved again. I clench my eyes to try to stop it, they tear up as I feel myself failing, and I try not to remember. I try to control the tears that so desperately want to fall. Sometimes I can. Sometimes I can't and I fly deep inside myself, to where I can lay down and rest in this ashen landscape of the past. I can forget the tears rolling down my face. I can forget the noises of hurt coming from my mouth. I can almost forget the emptiness I feel. I can rest here, entombed in depression, trapped in memories, but safe from the outside.
I clench my eyes, and today, that memory fades away. A smile breaks the sadness of my face as I stop caressing that scar. Today is another day, that I have not flown deep into familiar territory to lay down and ignore the outside world.
I hate to hurt myself, just to survive another day. Another day, where I try to look inside myself and find the latent energy that I always seem to possess, that will let me continue. This process happens every day, and every day I try to fool myself. Yes, today will be different. I will change. I will adapt. I will rid myself of this maladaptive behavior and break out of my own self-contained walls and obtain whatever freedom I'm seeking. I cannot know what I want, all I know is that I do not have it. Whatever I want, I want to take it, make it mine, and for once, feel at peace without flooding my mind with chemicals, or crying the feeling out, or healing myself with hurt.
I used to know what I wanted, it turned out that it wasn't right for me. I cannot find what is right for me. Is there anything? Have I woken up today and pulled my leaden body from the tomb I rest in each night just to find the same thing again, over and over, always nothing? Please, let me not awaken another day tomorrow, and let me rest, my body covered and hidden, my eyes closed from the world, not ever to wake again; or let me discover the reason for being born into a world that does not understand me and does not want me.
I self-medicate with hurt to heal myself. I do this not to live, but to survive, for if I stop, I will die.
Saturday, January 17
I've been feeling pretty depressed for about two days it seems. Always during the evening and it gets worse as the night progresses. Lisa just talked to me and I wanted to say fuck off, and I haven't been that irritable for a long time. I just quietly logged off.
Oh well. I wonder what Brianna is up to.
Someone asked me if I had OD'd when I got online a bit ago. I even hardly know that person and why would they think I OD'd recently, as to any other time?
My head hurts.
4th day of modanfil usage.
I could not sleep last night. Effect did not wear off. I stayed up until 5:30AM talking to Nicole, and then left to try to sleep 2 hours before waking time at 8AM. Experienced long periods of 'drifting', but no actual sleep.
Total sleep so far is 4 hours. One two hour nap on the second day, and two 'sleeping periods' lasting one hour on the first and second day of usage.
I feel awake, alert, and no signs of drowsiness. I feel as though I am losing weight remarkably fast as I am not eating much, due to lack of appetite; this has not been confirmed, however.
Updates later.
I hope Brianna has a fun time today and I will miss her.
Friday, January 16
Effects of modanfil similar to yesterday, less fatigue has been noticed. It was taken slightly later than before, a few minutes after 8AM. I had slept 1 hour that night and couldn't fall back asleep. I spent the night calming a friend down until she was okay, and it was a very bonding experience and we told each other a lot of stuff, when generally we are slightly mean to each other and don't say anything. I fell asleep somewhere around 7am and then woke up to take the modanfil, I have not felt the desire to rest, however, it sure feels comfortable to just lay there and relax. It's one of the most relaxed feelings in the world. At the same time I have a great deal of concentration and motivation again seems to be existent when it wasn't before.
I will see how long I can make it tonight and if I can sleep normally around midnight.
FAVORITE...
piece of classical literature? Paradise Lost
thing to wake up to? A kiss on the cheek
philosopher? Emmanuel Kant
color of a lava lamp? Dark purple with glitter, no lava
language (dead or alive)? Linear B (early Greek)
repeated mythological symbol?? Peacock (tails w/ "eye" esp.)
computer font? Verdana
indigenous rock? Basalt
prescribed drug? Halcion
sacrament? Penance
BEST...
friend? Brianna during the day, Lauren during the night
stain? Red wine on beige plastic
hour of the day? 3am
disease? The red plague (not black)
forecast for the day? Overcast with a chance of thunderstorms
thing that's kosher? Strawberry yogurt
time zone? GMT-7
province? Nova Scotia
new word? bling
unusual pet? Hirudo medicinalis
IF YOU WERE...
a lycanthrope what animal would you be? Swan
a philathropist what would be your favorite charity? FOROM - Focus on the Rape of Men (London based)
homeless what city would you live in? Toronto
born color blind what would you prefer (red/green, red, green, or blue)? Red
water would you be liquid, solid, or gaseous? gaseous
if you had (AIDS/TB/Hepatitis C/etc.) would you tell your previous partners/drug users? Would you tell future partners/drug users? If they are not involved in my life then I see no burden of responsibility; they are as guilty as I or you would be. Future people I would tell as it is the responsible thing to do.
made of glass would you be tempered, tinted, tempered & tinted, normal, or stained? Tempered. I shatter
a bottle of wine what vintage would you be? A Fonesca 1983, decant properly please
taking a shower and discovered you didn't have a towel, would you use your roommates/etc? Yes
a fabric what would it be? 49% polyester 49% rayon 2% spandex. Oh god. Comfy..
Thursday, January 15
I'm past the 2pm mark, still no sleep. It appears to be working, effects similar to two pots of black coffee, minus the side effects except for the stomach cramps & pains. No desire to eat at all, but am attempting to eat some yogurt to calm my stomach down. I should be coming down soon, I think. Mean elimination rate for modanfil after peak plasma levels have been reached in 2-4 days is ~ 15 hours. I am at the 7.5 hour mark, but I think the effects of no sleep are finally getting to me. I elucidate the next two days will be improved.
Maegan wrote back to me and that made me smile to get an email. I wrote back to her. We have a tenative schedule of when it's best to call so I'll give her a call pretty soon and catch up on things, hopefully maybe plan another trip to hang out with her. Her smile is infectious. I love it.
I hope Lauren doesn't have school today, but she probably does or else she'd be online by now. I want to talk to her and make sure she is okay. And also tell her that I care a lot about her and I hope she's doing okay. I need to call her too.
I took my provigil around 7:15, and I sort of feel a little different. Like I'm not tired like I should be, with only having 1 hour of sleep. But I'm not much of anything else either. So I'm just laying in bed, closing my eyes and feeling totally relaxed and at ease, which is the perfect thing for falling asleep but I don't fall asleep - so perhaps it is working. My alarm is set for noon as a failsafe anyway and it's almost 8am now too and I don't feel really tired or anything. The only thing I feel is dry eyes from all the crying I did last night.
I sent Maegan an early version of what I had written and she said she liked it. She's being kind to me, as her poetry is a great deal better than mine and she's also a ton younger than me too. 17. I'm a foolish 24 year old writing high school aged things, but oh well, that's the best I can manage while crying. Or even while sober.
I want someone to log on. Sarah told me she talked to Katja last night. I haven't talked to Katja since I got out of the hospital way back in late August. I guess yesterday (2 days ago?) she called it quits with Marek. I'm glad. He's a fucking asshole, a liar, and a schizoprenic freak. Nothing against schizoprenics, but he doesn't take his meds and he plays these crazy head games and I don't think he knows consciously that he's doing it. I added Katja back to my list and I'm hoping she shows up soon since it should be around afternoon or evening there. I think it's an 8 hour time difference. I forget, somewhere around there. She's a sweety. I'm stupid for not talking to her. I just though no one really cared about me from the forum anymore after my suicide attempt and all, so I stopped talking to all those people and they made no attempt to try to talk to me either. Tit for tat, I guess.
lentsomnolence: ive been two the hospital twice by the police.. cuffed once.. other time on a stretcher
lentsomnolence: i got the ambulance cause i couldn't stand etc
lentsomnolence: they don't appreciate it much when you make conversation
lentsomnolence: i was like so what's in the iv
lentsomnolence: and was like ohh.. do you do that all the time
lentsomnolence: lol
lentsomnolence: i think the guy was like god lemme out of here
.[EMO].
xx.Do you enjoy depressing music? yes
xx.What makes you sigh? seeing two people together
xx.How many hours a day, on average, do you spend feeling sorry for yourself? i will not tabulate this.
xx.Who or what always brings you down? the past. the present and my current crushes.
xx.Do you wear glasses? i used to wear fake glasses
xx.What frightens you? people being close to me
xx.Do you wear sweaters all the time? in the winter, yes.
xx.What makes you tick? i just kind of sit here. i'm not very alive.
xx.How many times has your heart been broken? do i have a heart left? 1 caylina, 2 rho, 3 jen, 4 stefany, 5 marek
xx.What do you think of Dashboard Confessional? good, but young lyrically. still emotional.
.[PUNK].
xx.Tell me about that time you broke that law. one time me and 2 others pried open a sliding glass door, ransacked the house of money and jewelery.
xx.What or who pisses you off? i don't get angry anymore, i just get sad. lies make me sad
xx.Would you rather date a sissy or a homebody? it matters not
xx.Sex or drugs or breaking stuff? drugs
xx.The Clash or The Ramones? neither
xx.What do you think about Anarchy? a rather stupid idea. socialist democracy is the best, go to college before you argue anarchy or i will kill you
xx.Tell me about a prank you played! uh. i forget. i'm sure i did one.
xx.Do you do things that are "bad for your body"? yes
xx.How many times have/were you kicked out of a place?! twice? maybe more
xx.Are you in trouble all the time? not usually
.[GOTH].
xx.Do you want to die? sometimes
xx.What do you think about graveyards? pretty. calming. peaceful.
xx.Do you write poetry often? not often. sometimes.
xx.How much black clothing do you own? i don't limit myself to black anymore. refer to EMO
xx.What type of makeup do you wear? purple eyeliner, purple glitter eyeshadow, petroleum jelly on my lips and then i put purple eyeshadow on. lipstick looks bad
xx.Masochism or sadism? i don't care right now. i don't think i really ever cared.
xx.How do you feel about the rest of the world? dandy
xx.Do you cry often? yes
xx.What do you think about vampires? movies are nice.
.[METAL].
xx.How messy are you in general? i tend to gravitate to messiness out of lack of energy
xx.Do you bang your head on things repeatedly? i have
xx.What do you think of mullets? whatever
xx.When did you start drinking alchohol? 16 i think
xx.Do you go to concerts often? no
xx.What bands rock your pants off? the jealous sound
xx.What do you think about violence? it serves no purpose in a modernized world.
xx.Who or what makes you homicidal? nothing
xx.Worship Satan or practice black magic? i think i lost my belief in magic
xx.How wild are you in general? varied from blah to fucking calm down allen
.[GRUNGE].
xx.Are you wearing any clean clothes right now? yeah
xx.How often do you do the laundry, anyway? when i run out of something
xx.Do you wear flannel shirts a lot? no
xx.When was the last time you showered? 2 hours ago
xx.Do you speak clearly? i have a slur somethings from being nervous
xx.Are you a lazy person? yes
xx.Do you play any instruments? i can play an electric guitar okay now. i can play the keyboard okay now too.
xx.Who or what do you rant about a lot? my depression
xx.Empathy or Sympathy? empathy. sympathy should not be given, it reinforces bad behavior
xx.What do you think about Nirvana? overrated, lucky, but they spoke to a generation that needed their words to be expressed. they get a b+
.[INDIE].
xx.What makes you different from the rest of them? try being dorktastic
xx.Who or what makes you bitter? i do not feel this feeling
xx.What was the last big decision you made? what to spend some money on
xx.Are you a happy-go-lucky type of person? no
xx.What do you think about conformity? i am ashamed of it, but i conform to avoid confrontation.
xx.What do you resent? My thoughts, and people
xx.Why might some people consider you to be an asshole? i'm a lying jerk that just wants to hurt you and betray your trust
xx.Do you trust others? brianna. maegan. maybe lauren even if we're not too close.
xx.Are you a loyal friend? i try my best
.[RAP].
xx.Do you live in the ghetto? no
xx.Have you ever even held a gun before? several times, a shotgun, and a couple of different guns.
xx.How much bling do you own? bling-bling
xx.Would you rather have your best friend be a wangsta or a wigga? i don't understand
xx.Would you rather be bustin' caps or rollin' joints? uh. rolling joints?
xx.Big butts or big boobs? can i pick neither?
xx.What's your best pickup line? i don't do that
xx."Fo' Sho" or "Yeah, son"? i do not understand
xx.What race are most of your friends? caucasian
xx.Ever been to prison? actually, no, weird
.[POP].
xx.Who or what makes you so excited you piss your pants? nothing
xx.Prep or Yuppie? they are both ok.
xx.How much money do you spend on bad music? 10% of my music budget. avril is great.
xx.Justin Timberlake or Nick Carter? i think these are guys from boy bands. i don't care
xx.How many of your friends still listen to NKOTB? what?
xx.Do you like mainstream music? only the stuff thats marketed as rebellious. it's really cute
xx.Do you want to be a pop diva? no. well maybe if i got to wear a dress
xx.How many times, on average, do you say "like" in a sentance? not to much
xx.OMIGOD or OMG? just fuck
xx.Ditsy or just plain stupid? maybe i'm plain stupid. ask friends
1) Using band names, spell out your first name:
Appleseed Cast
Letters to Cleo
Lyndsay Diaries
Elliot Smith
Nirvana
i'll do my last name too be a snob.
Smiths (heh)
Matt Pond PA
Interpol
Theatre of Tragedy
Hedwig and The Angry Inch (soundtrack - slightly cheating)
2) Have you ever had a song written about you? i don't want to think about that. yes, i think so.
3) What song makes you cry? a lot of them. first cying song though. The Cure - From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea
4) What song makes you happy? Nena 99 Luftballoons (german version)
5) What do you like to listen to before bed? nothing specific.
6) Name a song by Coal Chamber: i do not know this coal chamber.
7) Who was/were your idol/s when you were younger? Idols? firemen.
8) First album you ever bought? i can't remember that far back. i think a Petra album (christian), or maybe some country christian (can't remember the guy's name)
9) Name a song that reminds you of someone and why: Down, Brianna, because she gave it to me
a p p e a r a n c e
HEIGHT: 5'9"
HAIR COLOR: Dark brown with highlights
SKIN COLOR: light pacific islander
EYE COLOR: dark brown
PIERCINGS: none
TATTOOS: none
r i g h t n o w
WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: black plaid pj's
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: Down, which I have had on repeat for almost 13 hours now
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: kind of tastes like nipples actually (my saliva glands don't work fully)
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: cold but no snow
HOW ARE YOU? getting over a mental breakdown. dandy.
d o y o u
GET MOTION SICKNESS?: yes
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: bruxing, trichotillomania, impulse-control disorders, etc.
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: no
LIKE TO DRIVE?: no. i'm scared to
f a v o r i t e s
TV SHOW: i don't watch tv anymore.
CONDITIONER: biolage matrix restructuring formula (i think it's called, don't want to look)
MAGAZINE: trophical fish hobbyish. heh.
NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK: odwalla super food. (thick green liquid, reminds me of peaches)
ALCOHOLIC DRINK: vintage port
THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: be a loser
BAND or GROUP or SINGER or RAPPER: bright eyes, appleseed cast. atm.
h a v e y o u
BROKEN THE LAW: leaving scene of a crime, reckless driving, petty theft, breaking & entering
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: yes, successfully
SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: yeah a few times
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: no
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: i participated in one, but i didn't do any of the action
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: no
USED YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE: yes
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: yes
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: yes, enough times to scare me
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: yes
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: yes
l o v e
BOYFRIEND: no
GIRLFRIEND: no
SEXUALITY: bi
CHILDREN: no
CURRENT CRUSH: uh. brianna
BEEN IN LOVE?: yeah
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: yeah
BEEN HURT?: yeah
YOUR GREATEST REGRET: trying to make a dream a reality. dreams are dreams for a reason.
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS: yes
r a n d o m
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: i have community service. that kind of counts
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: well my computer has resident evil in it.
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: glitter purple
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: truth
WHO MAKES YOU THE HAPPIEST?: i don't know. maegan made me pretty happy
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET? not sure. the used, or something corporate - down
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?: brianna, lauren, maegan
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?: obsess over the past
w h e n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t
TIME YOU CRIED?: 18 minutes ago
YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?: 2 or 3 days ago
THING YOU PURCHASED: a 125g fishtank and a stand
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: i cannot remember
MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER: i also cannot remember
y o u r t h o u g h t s o n
ABORTION: choice
TEENAGE SMOKING: again choice
SPICE GIRLS: again choice
DREAMS: vivid (side effect of what i'm on)
I miss... the feeling of touching hands, caressing fingers, and holding hands. I miss Maegan.
I miss... the soft curvature of neck, gentle kisses, and whispered words. I miss Brianna.
I miss... the sound of an innocent laugh, the smile of true happiness, and companionship. I miss Lauren.
I miss... the nights of talking for hours, the shared dreams, and intense devotion. I miss Caylina.
I miss... the thrill of cheating, the uncontained lust, and the loss of virginity. I miss Rho.
I miss... the feeling of legs wrapped together, the smell of her hair, and seeing my eyes reflect in hers. I miss Diana.
I miss... the sense of strong arms holding me, the scratch of stubble, and a sweet voice. I miss Luno.
I miss... the pulling of strings on my heart, being deep inside someone, and being in true love. I miss Jen.
I miss... the visions I had, the desire to care, and a reason to be alive. I miss Allen.
I have emptiness for promises.
I have bitterness for caring.
I have desperation for friends.
I have nightmares for dreams.
I have pain for memories.
I have numbness for feeling.
I have tears for experience.
I have hurt for trying.
I have nothing left.
I slept a whole hour, from midnight to 1am. Joy. Why can't I stay asleep longer. It is really annoying and now I'm going to be awake for a long time again and be tired during the day again.
Before I went to bed Lauren told me this was the first time in a long time that she thought about overdosing. I told her no, and basically talked to her for an hour making her stop and promising me that she would be okay. I still am worried, but I don't think she will. I hope she's at least taking her antidepressant medication. She seems a little better overall, so she's maybe even taking her antipscyhotics, but I'm not sure. She sent me some really odd pictures of her today. Oh well. We're getting to be pretty good friends even though I say a whole lot and she only says a sentence in response. She says she "Wuvs me" and has said it today and yesterday, and I guess that feels pretty significant. To have a friend that thinks I'm worth something. I wanted so much to drive down there and just hang out, but her dad had come home, so I couldn't. I wanted to call but it was too late for her to getting phone calls. Talk about frustrating.
I hope Brianna is okay. She left early again tonight. I think that means she went to go cut, or she was going to talk on the phone with someone. I hope it was the latter and not the former.
I'm still listening to the same song, over and over.
Wednesday, January 14
I think I have a few more days left of internet. I'll keep updating from the library if/when I run out, or try to.
Anyway, talked to someone and they said I don't listen to what they say and keep repeating the same stuff over or agreeing, but not changing. I don't think I do. Maybe I do. It's too late anyway. Maybe I need to go back in therapy again and work on communication skills. I seem alright with most everyone except a few people, and I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I want some meth, or blow. Please?
Jade should be coming this summer and I'll make sure she brings plenty of blow.
Lent Somnolence: lisa hello
xTurtleBluesx: blah
Lent Somnolence: why blah? not a good day?
xTurtleBluesx: i am tired.
Lent Somnolence: i apologise then. coffee? i was tired too but i drank lots of coffee and now i'm bouncy. can you imagine bouncy while listening to emo. well now you can. cause i am.
xTurtleBluesx: well then!
xTurtleBluesx: ;oijseht!
few minutes later
Lent Somnolence: i don't stray far from the path of emoness. except for goth, punk, indie rock, folk, blues from the 70's
wow the speed sure took a long time to kick in but man am i speedy. i'm all over. getting everything done. rar!
lentsomnolence: my fucking sister came up here and saw i had AIM and i close it so she couldn't see my name but she begged for it
lentsomnolence: damnit
lentsomnolence: i don't wanna talk to relatives online
spikie882002: +Hug+
spikie882002: Yeah
spikie882002: That wouldn't be fun
lentsomnolence: i mean she's ok but i don't wanna talk to her online. lol
lentsomnolence: she better not tell my dad
lentsomnolence: i'll fucking block him
I'm very lonely tonight. It'll be 6am soon. I might just fuck the library, take my speed at 8am and see if I can go to sleep yet even though I'm on speed.
Something really surprising happened and it made me very happy. I wrote to Maegan like an hour ago saying how much I missed her and how she's the sweetest person I've ever met in this state. She wrote back like an hour later, a short email because she was getting ready for work & school. It must suck to have to get up so early. She said she'll try to email me later tonight if she feels okay, she's sick again, but she always seems sick when I see her. I hope she's doing okay, at least she seems to be from the small words I got from. God I miss her. I want to touch her hands and run my fingers across hers and caress her hands and just give her a big hug and rest my head on her shoulder and smell her perfume and the smell of her hair. Feel the hair her thick hair feels against my hair and how it runs through my fingers. I don't care if she has a bf. I'm going to make out with her if I get the chance again. Sigh. That's horrible of me. I won't do it. I wish I had the chance now. Maybe she is single now and we could have some fun. She's very nice. Too nice to me, and the smile of hers, just makes any sad feelings disappear from my face.
I need a new source for my ultram. I'm really freaking out about it. I'm down to maybe 500-600 pills and I'm not sure where I'm going to get them anymore for cheap. Because I do so many of them I need them really cheap. Fuck. I'm worried.
I can't sleep either. I slept like 2-3 hours and woke up. Sigh. So I watched a movie and then took a shower and now I'm listening to sad music. I feel like I want to cry, but the tears just won't come. It's been like that for a few days.
I have the alarm set for 10am and I'm going to get up then and pop a provigil along with my morning meds and hope it keeps me awake. Perhaps I'll make some coffee too. Good coffee, not that yuck coffee my mom and dad drink.
I talked on the phone today for 2 hours, while _sober_, that's a very rare occasion for me. I wasn't really nervous easy, so that's good. For the whole thing, and for my anxiety too.
I'm pretty depressed, but for a lot of different reasons. A lot of confusing reasons. Sigh. It'll work itself out and if it doesn't well the Dr. is all for increasing my lexapro dose. heh. I want to try GHB first since I've gotten this new diagnosis which lets me be prescribed these newer meds.
I'm tired but nothing happens. I just lay there.
Guess I'll go try to cry. Again.
Tuesday, January 13
Down
I wish it had never ended. I still think about you sometimes.
Sigh.
Let's get crazy,
Talk about our big plans
Places that you're going
Places that I haven't been
Build my walls up
Concrete castle
Keep this kingdom free of hassle, yeah
Yeah
Yeah
But I need some echo in the emptiness
All I want, but you can't change this loneliness
Look at what you've found, I'm falling down
Taste the saline rolling down your cheekbone
Tell me that you're alone, tell me on the telephone
Feel your heart it breaks within your chest now
Try to get some rest now, sleeps not coming easy for a while, child
Child, yeah
But I need some echo in the emptiness
All I want, but you can't change this loneliness
Look at what you've found, I'm falling down
Down, down
Down, down
But I need some echo in the emptiness
All I want, but you can't change this loneliness
Look at what you've found, I'm falling down
Look at what you've found, I'm falling down
Not much new today. I went to the Dr.'s, and didn't look like shit even though I only had 4 hours of sleep. It ended up taking an hour discussing different options, etc. And we settled on trying a stimulant in the morning, since I said no to all the sedatives (even the really really strong ones - what's with me?), and we'll try that and see if it will keep me awake during the day and then maybe see about changing the benzo dosage or putting me on GHB for sleep (he says he needs to research it more).
I talked to Brianna for a couple of hours on the phone and it was good because I was sober and not on any drugs. She says I have a cute laugh, I'm unconvinced, but it sure is a nice thing for her to say.
That's about it.
Life is the same pretty much.
I just came back from the Dr.'s. Wow that sure was a longer visit than I thought it would be (1 hour). Got refills on everything, the Dr. cut me down to 45 xanax a month instead of 60. Sigh. Next month, if my sleep hasn't improved I'm going to ask for 30 xanax and 30 valium, so I can take the valium at night for sleep. Or increase the klonopin, but that isn't as good of a deal. I wanted the klonopin increased but he didn't increase it. He just put me on provigil which will keep me awake during the day and will decide in a month if I will go on GBH (Yes, the street drug) to help me fall asleep.
I'm sad, lonely, and tired.
It's 4am and I haven't fallen asleep. That in and of itself isn't that unusual. However, my upper arms around the elbow area hurt like hell. No matter how much icyhot I put on them helps. It helps for a little while and gives me that elderly smell that is so pervasive in nursing homes. I just took a vioxx and 2 ibuprofen, which will kind of help, actually the vioxx should kill off the pain, but it doesn't. I'd do anything for some muscle relaxents, a nice soma, or even a crappy roboxin. Anything. Oh well. I just hope I don't look too out of it when I have my Dr.'s appointment as I have a lot of stuff I want to talk about and cover and I hope I don't forget anything. Blah.
I think I'll watch a movie to kill some time. Or maybe not. I don't know.
Kill me.
Monday, January 12
Saturday, January 10
I'm lonely right now. There isn't anyone online that I want to talk to. I miss Brianna but she's busy doing something else right now. I hope she stays up later when she gets back, if she does get back tonight. I want to spend more time with her. I'm talkative and I want to actually use this on something that matters.
Sigh.
I got to play dress-up and make-up doll tonight. It was a lot of fun and made me get my mind off a lot of other things that are getting me down. Brianna is too good to me, and I'm glad I found her on late tonight to help me smile and have fun. It was fun.
Now if I could only fall asleep. Oh well. It'll come with time, I just wish I could blank my mind so I wouldn't think about anything at all. I want to relax.
Anyway. Goodnight people.
So I've woken up twice today to unusual cercomstances (how do you spell that?). The first was around 4pm, when I logged on and Lauren messaged me "SEEEEXXXX" (shortened, it was much longer), and I was like are you drunk again Lauren? She wasn't. Then I woke up later and had email which is a pretty rare event these days and I wrote back twice cause I feel frustrated and I left like at 10pm because I was all depressed and didn't want to talk, so I wasn't really very happy, but I wrote back twice and I'll leave it alone and not let my eyes bug out from frustration.
And everything else generally sucks, too many people on AIM that talk to me and I'm just in a mediocre mood so I log off after 10 or 15 minutes, or if they keep messaging me while I'm away. I'm just going to stick to YIM for a while anyway, since I can at least stay invisible and talk to Brianna, Cassy and Kaye as needed. Oh, a weird thing, Marte messaged me today earlier. We talked for 15-20 minutes. Haven't talked to her in a long time and had actually taken her off my list. People are crawling out of the woodwork literally, that's why I'm avoident on AIM today and yesterday, all these people and I feel bad that I don't even know who they are. And I'm like hey how's it going. Ugh.
Refer to previous entry I put before I went to bed. Which I'll requote and then listen to the song and go to bed after, again, I hope.
It's time to let go
Spend some time alone
Friday, January 9
Met a new friend last night, Natalie. She's interesting and is dating the guitarist of Soma, which is pretty awesome. She's really smart and empathic, which is surprising as she just random messaged me out of no where. It's good when things like that happen.
I made some plans with Cassy as to what to do in Denver, stuffed animal shopping and we'll do some ultram together at night along with some xanax. Should be fun.
Nothing else is really new. Bad stuff. Good stuff. Neutral stuff.
Stuff.
Pouring out my heart and pouring one more drink to keep it calm. Because I think I've hit the brink and this is all I can take, to keep going on.
Thursday, January 8
Lent Somnolence: are you bisexual?
SmarterChild: Is it important for you to know?
Lent Somnolence: yes
SmarterChild: I don't think it matters, personally.
Lent Somnolence: are you heterosexual?
SmarterChild: Do you have a reason to care?
Lent Somnolence: yes
SmarterChild: It's interesting that you think my sexuality matters.
Lent Somnolence: are you homosexual?
SmarterChild: What's your deal anyway? You keep asking about my sexuality...
Lent Somnolence: i'm horny
SmarterChild: Uh. You what?
Oh
I am exploring the inside.
I find it desolate.
I do implore these confines now as they penetrate, "recreate me."
I'm hovering throughout time.
I crumble in these days.
I crumble cannot, I cannot find reflection in these days.
If you listen (listen listen),
listen close, (beat-by-beat),
you can hear when the heart stops.
(I saved the pieces) when it broke
and ground them all to dust.
I am destroyed by the inside.
I disassociate.
I hope to destroy the outside.
It will alleviate, elevate me.
Like water flowing into lungs,
I'm flowing throught these days.
Like morphine cuts through deadened veins,
I'm numbing in these days.
So...
If you listen (listen listen),
listen close, (beat-by-beat),
you can hear when the heart stops.
(I saved the pieces) when it broke
and ground them all to dust.
I know what died that night.
It can never be brought back to life.
Once again, I know.
I know I died that night
and I'll never be brought back to life.
Once again, I know.
Oh
If you listen (listen listen),
listen close, (beat-by-beat),
you can hear when the heart stops.
(I saved the pieces) when it broke
and ground them all to dust.
So...
If you listen (listen listen),
listen close, (it sounds beat-by-beat),
you can hear when the heart stops.
(I saved the pieces) when it broke
and ground them all to dust.
Wednesday, January 7
The library was okay today. A lot of patrons asked me questions and I could actually handle that without any stuttering or getting red-faced. One of the staff also talked to me and I talked to her (oldish person), and I think I seemed pretty normal and pulled that off. So it's getting better. 9 hours down. 15 more to go.
Ugh!
I'm actually going to do my community service for today. No one was home when I woke up and someone finally came home a few minutes ago, so I have a ride now. I'll work from 5-8, so I have to leave in around 40 minutes or so. I'm feeling okay, not too nervous. I took a couple of xanax since I've been saving them up, and I also took a couple of ultram to make the time there past faster (hopefully). I'm very sore still, in my upper legs, and at least the ultram will help with that. I really dislike being around people, but thankfully there aren't too many people there. The work is very boring and mind-numbing, but it's also a lot more physical than one would think with all the bending over and sitting down and standing up, and you have to stay kind of focused to even be able to shelve books as it's more difficult than I would of thought. Everyone there must be shelving lazily I think, because when I do my crosschecking for the books on the left & right, half the time there's a misplaced book. Thankfully I don't have to do shifting and other people do that, or else I'd be there for the entire 3 hours just fixing the shelves trying to make room for more books.
I did a lot of quizzes because I'm bored and can't sleep, and I need to keep my mind of negativity. I'm already dreading tomorrow and I might not even do anything tomorrow because I'm such a loser. It'd be so much easier to pretend that I'll get it out of the way after next Tue., when I get more medication, which it would be, but that's just bullshitting myself and making me be lazy because I'm scared of people. I have no reason to be. Other than they might dislike me, but I don't care.
Sigh.
I'll sign off now and lay in bed until I sleep.
Goodnight. I hope.
You represent... loneliness.
Always alone and always sad about it... unlike
angst, you don't have to look for a reason to
be miserable. You want to be in the company of
people but aren't sure how to act when you're
with them. Sometimes you have to make an
effort. You can't always wait for others to
come to you.
What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Your soul is bound to the Glass Rose: The
Fragile.
"My heart lies somewhere between perfection
and dust. And while my soul is a sight to
behold, I shatter at the blink of an
eye."
The Glass Rose is associated with perfection,
beauty, and frailty. It is governed by the
goddess Aphrodite and its sign is the Looking
Glass, or Tenuous Love.
As a Glass Rose, you have a beautiful soul and
naturally attract people to you. Love comes
naturally to you, but it hardly ever lasts.
Though you embody the perfect form of love,
your own faults are your own undoing.
What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are guided by darkness. Chances are you are
depressed, or you just always see things in a
negative point of view. You sit back and take
everything in. You are the gentle giant. But
one day you will snap. (Rate my test)
What force is your soul?
brought to you by Quizilla
I can't sleep. That's nothing really new, it was like this last night except I was actually in bed. I was in bed watching Requiem For A Dream, as I wanted to feel more depressed. I can't ever watch the last 30-45 minutes of it, I just have to turn it off. I hate it. I don't like the ending and it reminds me too much of what I might end up like, or what I'm on the path to, but I watch the movie every so often, maybe to try to make myself feel something, to make things different or make me try to care or do something. I don't know what to do. I just swallowed more pills, that's certainly not helping. I can't stop feeling what I'm feeling. I went from numb to blank-faced sad. I feel the tears almost at the edge, but I can't just seem to push them down my face.
I'm worried I'll end up staying up all night and use my daytime fatigue as an excuse for not going to the library. Sigh. I'm sick of myself and my fucking excuses and fucking avoiding everything. I'm sick of how I act. I'm sick that I can realize the bad things inside me, but I fight myself when I try to be different. I fucking hate myself. I know the steps to take to make things better or at least better, I'm trying slowly, but inside something is fighting me and holding onto the past, or what's left of the person I used to know, and all the protection that it used to give me. I don't want to let go of that. I don't want to be exposed, and let anyone be able to get inside and fuck me over. I already let people inside, I don't want to make it any easier for them. I want to go away. Just me and someone that cares.
I sat in the shower until the water got cold. Sat in the corner, with my knees drawn up to me letting the water hit my downturned head and just thought about life, and how much I wish I could remove myself from it. I know I'm playing at a game when I try to overdose, but it's a game I like to play, I just keep losing at it. No worries about overdose tonight, just an abnormal amount of sedatives, but I've gone higher. I keep track, so I know what I can take and the effect it produces on me. Just a normal amount of ami's, not the LD50 amount, it doesn't make me the least bit sedated. I wonder if my Dr. will change the 25mg's to 100mg's. It's annoying to swallow those 4 green pills just to get the normal dose, and it's not really any kind of deterrent to suicide. I don't know why my thoughts are so melancholy at the moment. Nothing in particular is bad, other than things with my father and arguing and such, but whatever, it doesn't matter to me, that just makes me want to hide. I keep listening to the same Appleseed Cast songs over and over, actually the same cd, since it's so good. I wish I could have his voice singing those bleak words in my head all the time, while I'm sleeping, while I'm awake, while I'm eating, while I'm doing everything. Well I get to see my Dr. again next week and I'm pretty sure he'll increase my klonopin, as I actually do need it and I'm not wanting more because I want to snort it or whatever, and they seem to like to prescribe klonopin, just in very weak doses. I don't know if the Lexapro is doing anything to be honest. My mood is better since the last time I've seen him. That's odd, I'm talking about suicide and I'm saying my mood is better. Well anyway, I'll double up on it I guess if he thinks thats good and hopefully get on another TCA and trazadone *and* a beta blocker which he already has no problems prescribing he just wanted me to get less depressed before he prescribed it. Talking about medication is stupid. It's like a constant subject on here. It's not going to fix me or make any of my problems better, it'll just make them easier to deal with is all. And when it comes to dealing, I don't, and I can't. Everyone knows that about me that's known me in real life or for any amount of time online. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm depressed. I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm numb. I'm happy. I'm ecstactic. I'm dumb. I'm numb again.
I'm worried about Brianna. She left kind of early and I know she is going to cut tonight. I almost cut tonight. I'm not counting days, but I'd guess it's almost 2 months since the last time. I'm definately not counting days since I've been clean. I can't even think straight enough to count up the days, what 3? I'm pathetic.
I need something to pull me out of this. I feel my emotions dragging down, down and down, and I haven't been this moody in a while. I am scared when I'm this moody, because I can do anything and I will regret it later. I try to keep control on myself, but myself doesn't want to be controlled. It wants to do the most hurt it can do it itself and cry and cry and cry, not because I hurt, but because I don't care that I'm hurting.
Tuesday, January 6
I changed this around to mean what I want, apologies to the original, and thank you Jade for posting the lyrics in the first place. I wish I could be there for you right now and help you, but I can't help myself even. Apologies to everyone that need me right now (Kaye, Brianna, Tessa, and who knows who else) and I'm not giving you what you need from me. I don't know how to open up right now, everything has closed.
there you are my precious, not long ago
hiding behind the shadow of your broken soul
why is it always i want something i can never have
why'd you try to tempt me
how could i be this way
my throat i take grasp
(can you feel the pain)
then my eyes roll back
(can you feel the pain)
love racing through my veins
(can you feel the pain)
my heart stops beating
(can you feel the pain)
black orgasms
(can you feel the pain)
kiss my lifeless skin
(can you feel the pain)
there you are my precious with my broken soul
feeling elated, taking control
why is it always i fuck up something i've always had
why'd you try to tempt me
how could i be so cold
my throat i take grasp
(can you feel the pain)
then my eyes roll back
(can you feel the pain)
love racing through my veins
(can you feel the pain)
my heart stops beating
(can you feel the pain)
black orgasms
(can you feel the pain)
kiss my lifeless skin
here i am
feeling this pain gives me life
relieving this is my plan
do anything just to
see through your eyes
just to see through your eyes
You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.
What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Form 9, Vampire: The Undying.
"And The Vampire was all that remained on
the blood drowned creation. She attempted to
regrow life from the dead. But as she was
about to give the breath of life, she was
consumed in the flame of The Phoenix and the
cycle began again."
Some examples of the Vampire Form are Hades (Greek)
and Isis (Egyptian).
The Vampire is associated with the concept of
death, the number 9, and the element of fire.
Her sign is the eclipsed moon.
As a member of Form 9, you are a very realistic
individual. You may be a little idealistic,
but you are very grounded and down to earth.
You realize that not everything lasts, but you
savor every minute of the good times. While
you may sometimes find yourself lonely, you
have strong ties with people that will never be
broken. Vampires are the best friends to have
because they are sensible.
Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
So, today was shit. I slept 11 hours and didn't do anything, didn't do any community service. My mother woke me up several times. My dad came up and woke me up and I wanted to scream fuck off. I just want to be left alone. I don't want anyone to tell me what to do. I don't want anyone to tell me how my life should be. I don't want anyone trying to control me. I hate him. I'm so paranoid now because he bothered me, and nothing has calmed me down all day. I'm being as quiet as I can and staying up here by myself so I can pretend think that he's not home or that he doesn't know I'm home, which is really stupid logic, as I never go anywhere.
Tomorrow I'm trying hard to go do my 3 hours of work, but I want to have my mom drop me off instead of my dad so I don't have to deal with him. I'm so nervous and paranoid. I can't stop shaking.
I hate this.
The first day of community service was okay. I got to shelve books and I'm still allowed too even though I failed the test twice... God I'm stupid. It's the numbers I get all messed up and put like 791.101 before 791.10 which is backwards but i'm all mucked up. But I do it right now. Just 21 hours left. I think I will go in there tomorrow, but I want to go to sleep like 2 hours ago at midnight, but Nicole won't let me log off cause I'm the only one online and well I'm not tired so it doesn't really matter, but I wanted to go in the afternoon. They only let us work 3 hours at a time at the library, because you get all foggy-eyed and brain-dead after doing so much shelving. Basically I work in the back room where the presort books by the big #'s, 700, 800, etc. I do the adult non-fiction section for my community service which is pretty big. I did 700's at night which are huge. Basically the arts section. I did some 600's which is animals, well 640's are. It's so amazing that you remember all these tiny details and I might walk into a library at some later point and just know which number to go to. It's weird. And the librarians know what all the numbers are, but that's their job.
I want sleep. Brianna is back in school so I don't have anything to do during the day anymore, can't talk to her until she gets home. I want to give her a call when she goes back to her mom's house. Wed., I think.
I don't want to go shelve. Whine.
Monday, January 5
Well, it's Monday. I have my community service in about, lets see, 1hr 45 minutes. I'm very nervous, and just took half a xanax to help that and I'll take another half or a whole, probably a whole one before I leave and hope that I'm there less than 4 hours. I can't remember being this anxious, the last time was the day when I had to go to court and that was pretty bad, I had to take like 5 or 6 or more xanax before I could calm down. I hope that the training is okay. I'm scared. Ugh.
Last night was good. I hope I didn't scare Brianna away. I talk too much sometimes and can't stop. I hate it. It makes me feel stupid. Oh well. I wish she was online right now. I made a mistake and thought I had to go to the library at 5, but I looked at the piece of paper that I had written on and it says 6pm, so I have an extra hour and just might see her online before I leave and that will be good. It will calm me down some and I want to know if her day went okay.
Sunday, January 4
fuck.
I had an entry typed out and this is the first time blogger ate it.
Basically I said I talked to Jen last night, and it was good even though I was emotional and crying at times.
Tonight I spent with Brianna and did something on cam, that I didn't think I would do, but I did anyway and it turned me on a lot. She's becoming a very sweet and dear friend to me.
I started taking hormones again because I'm really depressed and the Lexapro is not working at all for me. So I need something in the intern until I see the Dr. again and hopefully get switched to Effexor XR & trazadone, or desipramine with Paxil CR.
That's all. I don't feel like writing a lot because blogger ate my post.
Sorry.
Saturday, January 3
I was messing with my page at Livejournal, and filling out my interests because I am utterly bored. Depressed too, but that doesn't matter. I thought I might as well post the list here, just so I have it where I do my journaling anyway.
updated!
I finally maxed out the list at 150. I feel like some competitive idiot. It was fun though and I was bored, so I don't care. And plus it's good to put in personal ads where they want to know what you're into, now I don't have to sit there and go uhhh. I have a resource to draw from. heh.
addiction, afi, aldous huxley, amy brown, ancient civilization, ani difranco, animal rights, avril lavigne, bavarian castles, being in love, benzodiazapines, biology, bisexuality, biting, black clothing, botany, brave new world, bright eyes, bruises, bryophytes, caffiene, caitlin r. kiernan, cats, cemeteries, chatting, cheese pizza, cloves, computers, converse shoes, crying, cthulu mythos, cursive, cutting, dashboard confessional, death cab for cutie, depression, desaparecidos, dextroamphetamine, dune, dyed hair, dysthymia, dystopia, ecology, emailing, emo, ender wiggins, epistemology, existentialism, exotic animals, faith and the muse, fall, feminism, ferrets, fog, foreign movies, frank herbert, gothic, hamlet, honesty, horror, horticulture, incense, independent films, indie rock, interview with a vampire, introspection, jennifer connelly, jimmy eat world, jonathan rhys-meyers, julian delphiki, legend, love letters, magic the gathering, matt damon, matt pond pa, memoirs, mesopotamia, mmorpgs, mocha valencia, moping, movies, neil gaiman, night, nirvana, norse mythology, northeast, nostalgia, opiates, orson scott card, overcast days, pagan beliefs, panic disorder, paul oakenfold, peter murphy, pharmacology, philanthropy, physical anthropology, poppy z. brite, pro-choice, psychedelic furs, psychology, punk, rain, rasputina, rats, reading, recreational drug use, red house painters, religion, rpg games, science fiction, self-mutilation, showers, smoothies, snail mail, snorkeling, snow, social memes, soma, stalking, storm constantine, sumeria, sunny day real estate, sylvia plath, techno, the appleseed cast, the bell jar, the cure, the jealous sound, the neverending story, the postal service, the princess bride, tom cruise, trance music, traveling, tropical fishkeeping, ultram, unitarianism, vampires, vanilla scent, vegetarian quesadillas, vegetarianism, velvet goldmine, video games, western civilization, white sand, winter, writing, zippers, zoology.
Friday, January 2
Another survery from a few weeks ago. Enough old ones for now.
All About You
Name: Allen
Age: 24
Sign: Leo
Bra Size: 34, no cup size
Dick Size: i'm not sure. no handy ruler or erection.
Hair Color: dark brown
Eye Color: dark brown
Questions
Are you a vigin? no
If no,Who was your first? someone i met online who flew out to meet me. spent 3 nights in a cabin i rented. btw she had a boyfriend and a kid and was older than me.
second? my second girlfriend
third? a guy named Luno at a party
fourth? none
any more? nope
If you could only have sex in one position for the rest of your life, what way would you pick? i really can't decide this. i like having legs and arms wrapped around me with me on top.
When was the last time you had sex and who was it with? probably 9 months ago. with jen
Was it good? yes
Sure? yes
If you could have sex right now with anyone you know, who would it be? jen
Why? cause i still have feelings for her
Girls
Does size matter? i'm not a girl. but jeez a gigantic cock sure is hard to fit in your mouth or your ass
Why? cause larger ones hurt
Panties or Thong? neither. boy shorts
Do you use a vibrator? not recently, but i have
Why? it's a nice change of pace
What attracts you to a guy? personality, androgenous look, soft voice
Guys
Tits or Ass? small tits
Why? they look attractive and i like to bite
Boxers or Briefs? boxers
How often do you jack yourself off? depends if i'm on an antidepressent or not. off one, ~6 times a day. on one 1-3 times a day.
What attracts you to a girl? intelligence.
This is a survey from a few weeks ago that I didn't post here. I don't know why I don't post them here, I'll try to with future ones.
Basics --
1. What do you most like about your body?: my cut marks, fresh and bleeding
2. And least?: my scars
3. How many fillings do you have?: 2 or 3 i believe
4. Do you think you're good looking?: no
5. Do other people often tell you that you're good-looking?: sometimes
6. Do you look like any celebrities?: i do not know
Fashion --
1. Do you wear a watch?: nope
2. How many coats and jackets do you own?: a black hoody
3. Favorite pants/skirt color?: black i suppose
4. Most expensive item of clothing?: some pvc pants that cost too much
5. What kind of shoes do you wear?: converse or docs
6. Describe your style in one word?: dorktastic
Your Friends --
1. Do your friends 'know' you?: my exgf does
2. What do they tend to be like?: exactly the same of me.
3. Are there traits in you that are universally liked?: i don't know. people seem to like me. ask them.
4. How many people do you tell everything to?: everything? used to be one person. now, no one.
Music/TV/Film/Books --
1. Favorite band ever?: bright eyes
2. Most listened to bands/artists (as of this week): bright eyes, faith & the muse, appleseed cast, AFI
3. Do you find any musicians good-looking?: i suppose. i don't idolize people
4. Can you play an instrument?: no
5. Type of music most listened to?: emo
6. Type never listened to?: i believe i've listened to everything
7. Favorite book?: lost souls even if it is youngish. or perhaps milton's paradise lost.
Religion --
1. Do you detest religion?: detest no. disagree with organized religion, yes.
2. How do you think this universe was formed?: i have too many other important things to think about.
3. If you currently follow a religion, do you think people who belong to another religion are ignorant? no, their faiths are their own. not my place to tell them what to believe in.
4. If you were in a hostage situation, and you were given a choice, to either praise the demon they follow or die, what would you choose?: to die
Homosexuality --
1. What is the first thing you think when you see two gay guys or lesbians holding hands: aww cute.
2. Do you detest homosexuality?: no
3. Do you agree or disagree with gay or lesbian couples bringing up children?: it's perfectly fine for them to do that
General Questions --
1. Who do you believe is the smartest man alive at the moment?: i don't feel like answering that
2. What do you prefer, a sunny or rainy day?: overcast rainy day
3. Do you consider yourself lucky?: i seem to be. but i don't consider myself to be
4. Do you feel pity for people who commit suicide?: no. it's an entirely personal choice.
5. Choose one word to describe how you feel most often: alone
Stuff --
1. Do you own any plaid clothing?: yes. lots.
2. Do you own Converse shoes?: yes. several.
3. Do you own Saucony shoes?: no
4. Do you own old school Nikes?: no
5. Do you wear tight pants?: sometimes
6. Is there more than one zipper in you pants?: depends on the pants
7. Do you know what a squatter flap is?: no
10. Do/did you have braces?: no
12. Do you have short, shaggy hair?: it's kind of like that now unfortunately
13. Does your hairstyle exceed a height of 3 inches?: no
14. Would you classify your hair as a deadly weapon?: no
16. Is your hair black or red?: it's almost black looking now
17. Do you have a favorite brand of hair dye? special FX
20. Are you amused by safety pins?: yes they are useful
21. Have you ever used duct tape as a sewing substitute?: i haven't actually
22. Do you own one or more objects with studs or spikes in them?: collars, wrisbands
23. Do you own one or more articles of clothing from Dogpile, Lip Service?: several from lip service i think one or two from dogpile
24. Do you enjoy leopard print?: only purple leopard print. and not on people
Habits/Beliefs --
25. Are you disgruntled (having a general hate for everything)?: no
27. Does the American flag anger you?: only as a symbollic representation of what has been taken away from us under the current administration
28. Are you "working class"?: no
29. Do you dislike "preps"?: if they give me a reason to
30. Do you dislike Hot Topic?: other than most of their stuff falls apart, no
48. Do you shout the word "oi"?: sometimes
HAVE YOU EVER..
Said "I love you" and meant it? yes.
Gotten in a fight: yes.
Been to Florida? yes.
California? yes.
Hawaii? no.
Mexico? yes.
Canada? no.
Danced naked? yes, but only by myself.
Got a really bad feeling about something then it happened? sometimes.
Wish you were the opposite sex? no.
Had an imaginary friend? yes.
Red or Blue? red.
Spring or Fall? fall.
Santa or Rudolph? i don't like unshaven obese men, or animals that have lightbulbs as a feature.
Math or English? english.
What are you going to do after you finish this survey? plot suicide? no, just mope.
What was the last food you ate? pizza.
High school or college? atm, neither.
Are you bored? moderately.
How many buddies are on? 5.
Last movie you saw? pirates of the caribbean i think.
Last noise you heard? the clickity-click of my rats drinking water from the bottle.
Last time you went out of the state: this year.
Things you like in a guy: i don't want to think about this right now.
Favorite board game? risk.
Favorite magazine? i can be a dork and say tropical fish hobbyist.
Worst feeling in the world? when you lose someone.
What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning? do i have email.
How many rings before you answer? i don't answer the phone, sorry.
Future daughter and son's names: i will not have kids, but my daughter would be named Caylina.
If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be? university regent? if that's too much, then lab boy.
Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous? righty.
Do you type with your fingers on the right keys? yes.
What's under your bed? a uhm. something.
Favorite sport to watch? none.
Hair Color: dark brown.
Eye Color: dark brown.
Height Currently: 5'9"
Glasses/contacts: nope
Current Age: 24
Current Weight: meh.
Any Piercings: 0.
Boyfriend/Girlfriend: no.
Any Tattoos: no
Are You Timely Or Always Late: always early
STUFF
Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: yes. debatable, depending on if it's me or her.
Have You Ever Cried Over Something Someone of The Opposite Sex Did: many times.
Do You Have A "Type" Of Person You Always Go After: yes.
Want Someone You Don't Have Right Now: yes.
Ever Afraid You'll Never Get Married: no.
Do You Want To Get Married: no.
Do You Want Kids: no.
FAVORITE
Memory: "jen" all of it, good and bad.
Day Of the Week: thursday.
Color: pink.
Perfume Or Cologne: none. or vanilla.
Flower: Queen of the Night (night blooming cereus)
Month: no particular favorite.
Season: winter & fall. can't decide, sorry.
IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU:
Bought Something: no.
Gotten Sick: yes (from drugs).
Sang: i think so.
Met Someone New: no.
Talked To Someone: vocally - brianna, lauren, lisa, my parents.
Had A Serious Talk: yes.
Missed Someone: yes.
Hugged Someone: no.
Kissed Someone: no.
How do some people feel about you: i really don't know. i think it ranges the whole spectrum of emotions.
Describe your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend/crush: the sweetest, kindest most passionate person i ever knew. i'll always be comparing future people to her. i can't really say anything more.
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | Moderate |
| Schizoid: | Moderate |
| Schizotypal: | High |
| Antisocial: | High |
| Borderline: | Very High |
| Histrionic: | Very High |
| Narcissistic: | Moderate |
| Avoidant: | Very High |
| Dependent: | Very High |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | Moderate |
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- | |
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
| Level | Score |
|---|---|
| Purgatory (Repenting Believers) | Very Low |
| Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) | Very Low |
| Level 2 (Lustful) | Very High |
| Level 3 (Gluttonous) | High |
| Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) | Very Low |
| Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) | High |
| Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) | Extreme |
| Level 7 (Violent) | Extreme |
| Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) | Very High |
| Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) | Very High |
Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
