Can't sleep.

Bleary-eyed post for anyone looking.

Session 165 was found Aug. 29 on the Summer Glau fanpage, for anyone that is following the session excerpts. Watch them in released order, not numbered order! This one is making me cry, but I'm pretty prone to crying when I can't sleep and when I'm lonely and depressed. I love all this pre-release viral marketing, whether or not 'viral marketing' sounds stupid.

I watched the movie Crash today. It was good, but not the kind of film that was good for me right at this moment. It is a very racially-charged and tense two hours, and some not so good things happen as people cross each others' path in LA.

Right now, well I think I decided I'm going to rewatch 2046, the melodromatic, moody, psychedelic thing, movie, whatever, out of China. The subtitles are great. Some words like the sexual descriptions are culturely off (to non-native viewers) slightly to put another spin on a serious and complex movie.

Argh, that movie makes me want to smoke, don't watch it if you have ever smoked. The attention to detail (such as smoking) is so sharp, that it feels psychedelic to me.

Well. Yeah. I'm off to do that now.

Soured.

I wanted to write a detailed review of The Island, but right now I'm typing on my backup keyboard. I spilt water on the other keyboard and it's out of comission, every few times I hit the shift key when I was using it my computer would go into sleep mode, which was really annoying when I'm trying to talk to people online. So I'm typing slowly on trusty waterproof, roll-up and bring with you keyboard that's all squishy and impervious to any dastardly liquids, hot or cold, but it makes me type slower.

The Island is a fair movie. I had no concept of what the movie would be, not even seeing trailers, as I don't watch the telly. At first it appeared to be a grim 1984 Orwellian mix with a sly spin on people themselves as "products". Instead of an action movie, I wish they had stuck to the beginning 10-20 minutes of the movie and kept that feeling for the entire movie. It would of kept the eerie & creepy factor at high. Oh well. Perhaps a 7 for the idea, but a 6 for the execution and production.

Anyway time to go back to bed. So sour.
Allen bravo foxtrot (26)

Crazy and Missing.

So, I have this crazy plan that I am going to make happen somehow. I want to fly to NH to visit N. and hang out and "sleep with in a good way" (teehee), and then somehow, get down to Philly, as my patron who is going to be funding me with money wants to really, really visit me, and I think I should visit her for a bit and just give her a hug and say thank you for, well, forcing money on me I guess. Even if I still feel inside that this is a massive guilty thing, but I've consulted the stars, friends, non-friends, and the magic 8-ball and concluded that if someone wants to give away money, then they can. I have been in similar positions where I am the one donating to people/things and what not, and I have been somewhat manic in the portions that I donate. I'm the kind of person that tosses a $20 (or even a $100) in the street artist's open guitar case, while my companions beat the crap out of me for being "stupid". Or for unrolling my car window, whenever I see people with "will work for food" signs or what not, the homeless people in Denver and hand them a fiver or a twenty or whatever I can pull out of my wallet fast enough, so the people behind me don't honk their horn (which is my main concern when I'm driving in Denver, I'm already skittish enough), and if I don't have cash on hand, then giving them a few cigarettes or whatever. Anything. I was born with something, they might of been born with something or nothing, but right now, it doesn't matter, because they have very little, and the idea of somehow relieving that situation for a brief day or more, is heartening. I don't care if they go out and fulfill their vices with what I give, we all have our problems and things to forget, and they more than other people, probably have quite a few things they would like to drown in a sea of alcohol and pills. Whatever makes them happy, and if they smile while they do it, then I feel like I've made a small difference in this diffident fucking world, where everyone fucks you over, for no reason at all, other than they can. So, fuck the world, and fuck being fucked over, and whatever. I've lost my fever and I forgot what I wanted to say.

I wanted to say I miss N., and she's not home and I'm too scared to try to call her cell phone to make sure she's okay. She is okay, but my mind does circles to convince me otherwise, and for right now, I need to let someone do whatever they need to do and I'll wait until I get another chance to talk to them again. I feel like I'm pushing my face into everyone's problems, and I don't like that feeling. I don't like feeling unwanted. Perhaps it's paranoia, and perhaps it's lack of my medication (I am out of 3 of them today...), but this is what I'll do for now. Subject to review, every 5 minutes, as my anxiety-ridden mind goes into replay mode.

Replay, rewind, and review. I hope the scores don't come back negative tonight.

Session 22 and please.

Paul Probo has released Session 22 on the Summer Glau website (currently experiencing difficulty). Watching it is heart-breaking. Watch them in what has been released order to properly appreciate the sessions. Session 416 originally appearing on iFilm, Session 22 reportedly appeared on Limewire and later emailed directly to a fansite by Josh Dowses, and Session 22 found on the Summer Glau page released by Paul Probo.

I called someone tonight, actually a few times, because I was so nervous and I was only able to get through once before their cell phone had died. I really wish I wasn't acting so foolish and nervous about the whole thing, it really wasn't anything and I have to get so worked up about everything. Their voice sounds like kindness.

I need to get refills on 3 of my medications, except my psychiatrist does not work Friday's, so I will have to wait until Monday to call, and this is going to cause me to go a little bit batty and I might be crashing again with my tenured mood, rent will be a few days late everyone. Apologies in advance for emotional distress.

It'd midnight. I hope she's okay, and I know she's okay, but I still worry, because I can't get the softness out of my head and I'm being silly and I'm being dangerous with my thoughts. So I need to calm down, think elsewhere, otherwise, someplace, different. Be diffident right now and escape. Fireflies in the night is how I'll spend the night.

Twinkle.

Somethings are not today.

I'm missing and it feels like tomorrow, but I think it's that talk with a person I wish I had seen today. I keep missing things, and I don't want to feel like I've lost those things I could of had, but I am scared of the pretty things that I make into somethings, when they really shouldn't be that for me, just something else, something still good, but not another one of my somethings. I miss something, and I think I know which way this will go, and I don't know if I'm being smart, but I'm being careful and that never hurts (more). So I'll see what this thing means to me, and if there really is another something that makes me cry at night alone, and shiver like the coldest winter draft on my spine; or if this is something that makes me smile when I wakeup, and let the dappled sunlight dress me as I rise from a shroud of white cotton, the touch of human hair draped against my side, and the curves of an understanding person. I don't know what I'm missing, and I hope next time it's tomorrow I won't miss it.

Followup.

I haven't been able to uncover much. I believe "Paul Probo" is a pseudonym for an actor, or unknown character at this time, as of now, they are posting on the Summer Glau pages in what appears to be an official capacity. Probo, when accented and translated from spanish, means "proves", leading us to Paul Proves. I cannot think of any series tie-ins with a character named Paul, but I am going to re-watch as much of the series as I can tonight.

The pseudonym, "John Dowses", is an anagram for "Joss Whedon", who of course was the creator of Firefly and director of Serenity. What does this mean? Who knows at this point, but it's becoming more and more intriguing.

Updates as they come.

Session 416.

I love a bit of intrigue and mystery.

On iFilm, a clip called "Session 416" has appeared, iFilm claims that it first appeared on an unspecified filesharing network. It appears to be an interview session with the incarcerated/captive River Tam from the Firefly TV Series and the upcoming movie Serenity. In various Firefly related message boards (starting around Aug. 23rd) a "John Dowses" began posting that there was an earlier clip to be found, posting filenames that it could be found on the Limewire P2P network. This clip was eventually found and is called Session 1.

On the official Summer Glua fan-page (the actress who plays River Tam, the young woman in these clips), a "Paul Probo" is given in the message boards as a possible leak to these short clips; he is also being discussed on the official Serenity message boards as a possible further source of viral information.

Right now, there is only a few hits for "Paul Probo", and "John Dowses" is as far as I can tell a throwaway name. I will continue updating as I investigate -- I think there will be a continuation of this mystery and "Paul Probo" is the the next clue.

Lets compost.

My plans for Sept., aren't working out. I didn't expect that they would, but it's still a bit saddening. Who knows when I'll see them again, if ever? Oh well. I am trying to decide where to go now, and who in the world would want to see me and spend some time with me. I want to visit N.D., but with her SIL there, that wouldn't work too well I think. So... I'm hoping she leaves sometime soon and I'll just pop on over, hop a plane and be there for as long as I'm tolerable and hope I don't screw anything up while I'm there.

I feel like I'm messing up the things I have. Maybe people upset at me, or learning that they are. Not doing the right things for other people. People upset at me for calling, people upset at me for not calling. Why is there no answer to any of this, can't everyone just respond the same? I'm giving everyone the same kind of responses that I always give, it doesn't feel like a fair game, but then I'm playing with just myself and a handful of other people on the other side, so it's not a fair game. I just wish one person would let me rest my head in their lap, and let me fall asleep. Someone I trust, so I know I can fall asleep safe, someone I care about so I want to lay in their lap exposed and knowing that I'll be okay no matter what happens.

I want the person who tells me that everything will be okay. I have never had that person. Where is mine, who is mine, and where are they. I'm getting a little jealous now. Waking up every morning and deciding if it's plan A, live, or Plan B rot and hope by decaying vegatative process I'll die. That'd be nice, just let me turn into manure, because all I am feeling is shit, so that's all I must be.

Sorry for being shit.

Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hai

I wish there was more resources in the states to access current and classical Bollywood films. I'm really loving the sound of mixed Urdu and Hindi, and trying to learn it all emeshed is such a great challenge. You don't need to understand any of it to get any of the films, the plot is pretty much the same, except with different characters. It's always a love story, and there always break-out musical scenes, the more the better. I'm kind of hiding myself in other cultures a lot lately, avoiding people online and not even bothering to sign on to they can see me. I feel so shy and it makes my being alone worse, oh well, a bit of fantasy from here and there helps the reality go away.

A bit of translated poetry, it's beyond me to say if it's all Urdu or if it has a bit of Hindi in it, but it's beautiful to listen to.

kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hai,
zindagi meri khushion se umad sakati thi;
mein bhi mausam ki bahaaron mein thirak sakata tha,
mere aagosh mein mashook lipat sakati thi.

sometimes a thought comes and lingers,
my life with pleasure could I fill;
I, too, could have danced in the spring,
My beloved could entice me still.

kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hai,
mein bhi armaan bhare nagame sunaa sakata tha;
meri khwaahish, mere armaan adhoore na rahein,
isi armaan mein har daon lagaa sakata tha.

sometimes a thought comes and lingers,
I too could have sung lovely tunes;
I too could have pursued desires,
I, too, could have gathered fortunes.

kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hai,
mere din raat bhi pur chain guzar sakate the;
mein bhi auron ki tarah jaam utha sakata tha,
mere bhi paaon un galiyon mein pahunch sakate the.

sometimes a thought comes and lingers,
My days could have been pleasant, light;
I, too, could have sipped lovely wine,
I too could have had cozy nights.

tabhi awaaz ye be-khauf kisi kone se,
mujhe duniyaa se khayaalon ki bulaa laati hai;
chalna hai aur abhi, aur abhi, aur abhi,
waqt-e-araam bahut door, jataa jaati hai.

And, then, a voice does beckon me,
brings me back from world of thought;
Miles and miles you have to walk,
It reminds me, rest you not.

tujh ko rukane ki, thaharne ki zaroorat kyaa hai,
teri manzil, teri rahein to abhi baaki hain;
khatm hona hi hai ek din to jeevan ka safar,
chal abhi aur,Khalish, saansein to abhi baaki hain.

You have not to stop or pause,
Your goal is far away;
Till then waste not you one breath
Journey this will end one day.

Fixed, sort of, partly, well I'm online.

My computer is now fixed, but I don't think many people knew it wasn't working for a bit. Well around $800 in 'spare parts', (in reality I re-built the computer from ground up, because, well I have no good reason other than I like to make and break things).

So things are working tenatively, until I break something again.

The Indian represenative for making sure this isn't a pirated copy (it kind of is, it's installed on every computer in this house and every one I make for someone), didn't make a fuss and let me activate it just fine as I verbally shrugged a mumble. She was a nice lady, and yes Indian accents are thick when speaking Engish, I guess that stereotype is true, but I had no problem understanding her other than asking her to repeat a few things for clarification (like numbers, not whole words).

Knapsack

This is today, and it's the last day of my new life.

Just for you baby.

[10:34] Lent Somnolence: self-hatred, darling, hold my hand, and i'll jerk off with my other one and smile, for no one is an asshole like me

I'm sorry.

[10:25] Lent Somnolence: i can't find a fucking band that can consistently make me ache and do those tears that have me vocally moaning
[10:25] Lent Somnolence: where's the symphony, i have my instrument, the little drummer boy
[10:26] Lent Somnolence: i listen to all the bands on music.download.com, all the emo, all the indie. anything i think might be sad, but nothing has touched my heart right
[10:27] Lent Somnolence: a few brushes, gentle, like a bird's feather, a tickle that i'm not sure of. but where is that hard tug, that pulling, that really makes my heart feel empty, it's so clenched, between the vocals and the words, held tight, waiting for the chorus to give me a heart attack of tears


I want to die. I am suicidal again. I want to die from a heart attack of tears, it's how I'm feeling inside, so tight, and crying with no control. Please, heart, burst, and spill this red hurt everywhere. Stop poisoning me with tears, love.

I'm grey, talking to sunshine, but wanting navy.

[09:43] ***: well, from what you say, it all seems to be giving you at least a little improvement
[09:44] Lent Somnolence: it seems so. but i am crashing now
[09:44] Lent Somnolence: like i always do... today, and maybe 2 - 4 days. it's been steadily down
[09:44] Lent Somnolence: today cried twice and couldn't stop, that's when i know it's bad again
[09:45] ***: *hug* i'm sorry
[09:45] Lent Somnolence: its ok. i'm trying to just. i don't know. i'll wake up tomorrow and see what i do with myself
[09:46] Lent Somnolence: i'm sick of drugging and i don't do that much compared to how i used to
[09:46] Lent Somnolence: and it's sick to think of what i think is a little bit now
[09:47] Lent Somnolence: typical fucking day if it's good i won't take anything extra. but if i'm falling i'll be on 3 times as much adderall, and taking klonopin in huge doses, and in the evening drinking or snorting ambien every 30 minutes to keep me smiling
[09:47] Lent Somnolence: i call that little
[09:47] Lent Somnolence: cause it isn't fucking opiates anymore
[09:48] Lent Somnolence: and all i want is a dream to spend with you for a little while and abuse myself. i'm wrong, inside.