I have a fever and my head thinks stuff.

Lent Somnolence: it runs in the friend circle it seems. lol
***: Yeah, really. lol
Lent Somnolence: if i was a psychiatrist i'd ask what your friends had
***: What do you mean?
Lent Somnolence: mental illness spreading by friends seems highly likely to me. lol
***: lol I don't know. Maybe it rubs off or something. lol
Lent Somnolence: or a correlary you attract to others those that are similar
---
Lent Somnolence: i'm not consiously aware of the process, but i think i've discovered that neurotica is a substance like phelgm, or bile, or whatever the 4 humours are. this is the 5th most essential one for mental health

We are Mice

There isn't a feeling in the world that can compare to how it feels to of failed an overdose. When you don't want to be yourself, when you don't want to wake up tomorrow, when you don't want to even think of why you would consider something so foolish as overdosing. Whatever your reasons are, it makes you that much more human when you overdose, succeed or fail. It takes energy to put each pill into your mouth and swallow. You get into a pattern, you count each one, total up the dosage, and swallow them in this fashion. It can be habit forming if you do it once, it is much easier to do again. Your mind gets that feeling of wanting to escape, to get out of the closed room you live in each day. You want to open the door of consciousness and walk past the bright light into unconsciousness. You want to live in that world and have a new life, and forget all the reasons that you are still alive.

It's all in the eyes
The reckless way we dream to die
Our past is our future
The present lies
Somewhere between our hearts and minds
For those with no future
We'll touch hands on the street
Smile and keep moving on towards the heat
So keep this a secret our lot in life
They are elephants we are mice
We'll walk this earth somnambulant kin
With broken hearts that cannot mend
Losers first and second men
We'll do our best to blend in
You could reach out for my hand and i yours
Deliver water to soothe the burn
We'll drink our tears and thirst for more
It's our lot in life
They are elephants we are mice
So keep this a secret
Keep this a secret
We are mice

Musings to Kitten.

I feel a sense of spirituality, and I know we talked briefly about this in chat, but I don't really know what to do with this ethereal quality that I can sense and I believe in. I think everyone in spiritual to their own degree, perhaps like a cloud of sensations or thoughts surrounding that person, invisible or visible to that person depending on whether they acknowledge it and how they choose to interpret and follow it - whether it be through organized religion, paganist beliefs, or some ecclectic mixture of physical and spiritual like sufism, hinduism, or buddism.
I don't know what to do with my spirituality. It is there. But it isn't actively acknowledged or used in any kind of way. I consider myself agnostic at this moment. I don't believe that any organized religion is the path to feed my soul if you will, nor to I believe in other systems I have looked at it. I think it's just a part of me that is divine karma that feeds off my good and bad will towards others and develops as it's own child and has it's own life and can influence you in turn. Perhaps spirituality is a kind of feedback loop that lives off life, and we live off spirituality? I do not know, and I doubt I'll ever know. It's been a long time since I've thought about religious questions like these, and I still don't know how to answer them, other than to say I believe people are inherently spiritual and it is a part of being human - it's up to the individual to acknowledge their other side and what to do with it, if anything. This ethereal other side of us, takes form as our beliefs take form, it can be God, it can be nature, it can be science, or it can be anything. To me it's a whirling storm of emotions, sometimes silent, but sometimes it demands my attention and love.

Remember that time?

I know this is early, but for those people that I loved and cared for, lost, and still miss you full of terrible hurtful jealously - Caylina, Jen, Luno, Diana. I hope there are no more to add to that list, but it doesn't feel that way.

I miss you all and love you all. I'd hang out with all of you if you'd want to. If you'd let me. I'd hold your hand and just rest my head against you and remember the memories of waking up smiling next to someone so beautiful. But this won't ever happen. If you ever do somehow get this lost note, please remember, I love you and care for you.

I don't know how I keep going on caring this way for people. Tonight, I think, I will stop this if I still feel this way. I cannot keep going on crying all day long. I'm sorry for those people that like me, I can't give away myself that much anymore.

One last goodbye and a hug for those that are in my memories.

So where'd you go?
How was your vacation home?
Well obviously you were busy, too busy for me
So this is how you leave me?
I'm broken hearted on the floor,
My tears seep through the crack under my door
Where I am locked in, shut down,
I'm so tired of picking myself up off the ground

So Happy Valentine's Day
I hope the sun's out in New York
I hope he bought you roses
I hope he bought you roses
So Happy Valentine's Day
I hope the sun's out in New York
I hope he bought you roses
I hope he bought you roses

1.23.05 1AM

Lent Somnolence: well if you ever do get mad and want to hit something, you can hit me. *hug*
Lent Somnolence: i guess that's friendship?
Lent Somnolence: in the weirdest, most fucked up way possible

Sorry About That

It hasn't been that long
Since we drank to the sunset, until it was gone
And down with it went our pain and fear
As we slowly broke contact
more and more with every beer
And we passed out in each other's arms
Both admitting we'd never felt better
Never felt so warm
But awoke in each other's eyes
Without wearing a stitch of clothing
We were both deeply in disguise
And maybe I just set aside
The fact that you were broken hearted
In my own special selfish way
And if I hadn't set aside
The fact that you were broken hearted
Hell knows where your heart would be today
Maybe with me

It seems like it's been so long
Since we kissed through the darkness
Until it was dawn
Up with it came our pain and fear
That we'd already lost each other
We both knew that the end was near
Maybe I just set aside
The fact that you were broken hearted
In my own special selfish way
And if I hadn't set aside
The fact that you were broken hearted
Hell knows where your heart would be today
Maybe with me Maybe with me
Maybe with me Maybe with me
Maybe with me Maybe with me


All of these damn songs have lyrics that are about how I feel right now, but I will stop posting them. I just want to be close to someone and feel someone warm next to me. Maybe then I won't be confused and scared. Maybe I'd be me.

Trouble Breathing

You told me that you want to die
I said I've been there myself more than a few times
And I go back every once in a while
You called me lucky, you.. you called me lucky

You said tonight is a wonderful night to die
I asked you how you could tell
You told me to look at the sky
Look at all those stars
Look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

It's one or another
Between a rope and a bottle
I can tell you're having trouble breathing

'Cause you'll never be okay
You'll never be okay
(You'll always be in pain)
You'll always feel this way
'Cause things they never work out right
(the wrong way the lonely way)
You'll always be in pain

You told me that the daylight burned you
and that the sunrise was enough to kill you
I said maybe you're a vampire
You said it's quite possible I feel truly dead inside

'Cause you'll never be okay
You'll never be okay
(You'll always be in pain)
You'll always feel this way
'Cause things they never work out right
(the wrong way the lonely way)
You'll always be in pain

Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out
Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out
Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out

I'm writing you this letter so you know that I'm not okay. I'm trying hard to fake it, but the tears keep coming and I can't wipe them away fast enough. I have a therapist meeting in an hour where I get to discuss bullshit and pretend again and smile and act happy. Then I come and and crawl into bed and cover myself up in the darkness, and let loose, and let the tears flow again. I don't know how to feel whole again and I don't know how to feel again, but don't worry, I'll smile when it's needed and I'll wipe the tears away so no one notices and I'll be just fine, because no one really wants to know how I really feel inside. Inside I feel torn and ripped apart, and confused and I don't know how to switch up what is left of me, because I gave so much away.
Well I'll go on and fake it, and pretend that it's all okay. So there's my letter letting you know it's all okay. I'm doing fine.

Badly Scribbled Note

Marla Singer's philosophy of life is that you might die at any moment, the tragedy is that you dont't.


(Really bad quote, scribbled down quickly).

Friends or strangers?

Strangers with open honesty break my heart.

Friends who hide behind words so they don't hurt me.

I'm more happy around that honest stranger, that priest, or therapist, that will just open up their stories and tell it to anyone they don't know. Those are the people I love.

Old friends.

I hate when you call one of those friends, even if it's been more than a year since you talked to her, and you talk the normal bullshit, and when she asks how you have been you start crying even more (keep in mind you've been half crying the whole time) you say you're fine and was just wondering how things are with you.

I hate people that insist on keeping touch and don't care enough to really care. So it's could of been a year, she could of said sorry at least. Oh well. And it's the first time I even called her, she always called me, that would of made some kind of difference you think.

Nothing matters, except for the burns the tears leave on your face, it's getting to the point where they feel like scars.

Mr. Brightside

Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking the drag

Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now

He takes off her dress now
Let me go
And I just can't look
It's killing me
And taking control

Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullaby
Joking on your alibi
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
I'm Mr. Brightside


Add two portions of jealousy, a touch of a heart broken once too much, that bright smile I can give that isn't real, shake it all up in my brain, and I think you might get me.

I Love The Naked Ages Long Ago

But, she-wolf sharing her heart with the people,
Would feed creation from her brown nipples.
Men, elegant and strong, would have the right
To be proud to have beauty named their king;
Virgin fruit free of blemish and cracking,
Whose flesh smooth and firm would summon a bite!
The Poet today, when he would convey
This native grandeur, would not be swept away
By man free and woman natural,
But would feel darkness envelop his soul
Before this black tableau full of loathing.
O malformed monsters crying for clothing!
O ludicrous heads! Torsos needing disguise!
O poor writhing bodies of every wrong size,
Children that the god of the Useful swaths
In the language of bronze and brass!
And women, alas! You shadow your heredity,
You gnaw nourishment from debauchery,
A virgin holds maternal lechery
And all the horrors of fecundity!

We have, it is true, corrupt nations,
Beauty unknown to the radiant ancients:
Faces that gnaw through the heart's cankers,
And talk with the cool beauty of languor;
But these inventions of our backward muses
Are never hindered in their morbid uses
Of the old for profound homage to youth,
—To the young saint, the sweet air, the simple truth,
To the eye as limpid as the water current,
To spread out over all, insouciant
Like the blue sky, the birds and the flowers,
Its perfumes, its songs and its sweet fervors.

Charles Baudelaire
Translated by William A. Sigler

Sedate me love and take me away.

when you say my name,
i want to split it from your lips
and hide like whispers in the rain.
when you say (when you say) my name (when you say it)
i want to stop it in your lungs
and collect all of your blood to put in the radio.

is this how it feels
when you dont even fit into your own skin?
and its getting tighter,
every day i'm getting smaller
if i keep holding my breath i'm going to disappear.

I've been listening to a lot of Thursday since I got one of their CDs recently. Really good lyrics, when I listen closely to the soul beyond that voice that can seemily make me cry and scream at the same time. Something that makes me feel. It's nice.

I felt a lot last nice. Had a conversation with somehow and somehow turned it into a big confrontation and accusation on my part (I had my reasons...), into something beatiful and dreamlike. Except now it's morning now and I'm feeling wilted and someone needs to water me with love, not with pills. I had a green apple soda to get the day started and my millions of pills to keep me (in)sane, now lets just hope the rest of this day keeps going alright. I'm feeling the need to be be saved.

these are the words that escape from our lungs,
rupture the wall i've built around my heart
i've been shaking
you can't save me
i'm turning off
we can't find a way
out of this moment
were lost in a dark hallway

I'm thinking and speaking and dreaming the same words that brought me to such a terrible state last night. Except I'm trying hard not to let it happen. I feel the need to be sedated already, so everything feels alright. I don't want to cry today. I don't even want to feel, at least not those bad kinds of feelings. Substitute the good for the bad, or is that the bad for the good? I can never tell with me. But give me those feelings I need and take away the ones I don't want, because I'm scared of myself and I'm scared of how I woke up today and I'm scared of being awake.

Flow my tears

Flow my tears, fall from your springs!
Exiled forever let me mourn;
Where night's black bird her sad infamy sings,
There let me live forlorn.
Phillip K. Dick

It's been a week or two since she passed away. I'm still in grief. I'm still in shock. I'm still numbed with the valium I take "every 6 hours for sedation". It'll pass I guess. It's passing slowly. I can sleep now. With all these colored pills to sedate me, there's green, yellow, and white. A good selection of colors to bring on dreams that hopefully don't involve the tears falling.

I cut my hair today. I wanted to cut a piece of myself out, but I didn't have a clean razor blade. So I cut my hair instead. It's short. I think I did a good job actually. I think. It probably looks stupid and people are going to tell me so. The last time I cut my own hair I remember my dad laughing at me and then a few hours later taking as many pills as I could swallow while I was crying and not choke at the same time. Then I woke up in the hospital.

I'm not doing very good. I've slept most of today. I've slept most of yesterday. I want to sleep everything away. I don't want my memory, and I don't want new memory. I want to trade it in for something that isn't tainted. I want to start fresh and make the same mistakes over again and feel new and innocent and clean, at least for a while, until I screw up too much and reach that point where you fall over the cliff of depression and can't climb back. I've fallen past that point so long ago, that I don't remember what's on the other side. Whatever is up there in the real world. Where there are trees, the sun, and people with emotions that don't involve crying every moment. All I'm left with is darkness and the ghosts of other people who are stuck here with me. We don't want to talk to each other. We all hate the world and we all hate each other and we all wish we could die. It's the living hell and I'm tired of waking up each day facing the same blank faces behind those closed eyes of mine. I'm tired of remembering all the same memories that make me cry. I'm tired of remember all the people that make me cry. I'm tired, but I'm too tired to sleep.

Can't someone wake me up? Even if it's just for a day? Give me something to remember. Give me a reason not to cry.

Lick the tears from my eyelashes.

...

From the edge of the deep green sea.

My grandmother passed away hours ago. I wasn't at the hospital, because I thought she would make it through it. It has been months that she has been in and out of the hospital to rehab and then to assisted living. I saw her last week. She could walk with help and she could talk, and she was coherant. How does this happen to people. She aws my friend growing up and teaching me many interesting things, especially related to science and it sparked my itnerested in all things related to science. She was kind and never had a harsh word against someone. She had her faults, like why are you wearing that, but that's normal elderly responses, but she was a good person. I wish I had at least one conversation with her before she died. I never had a single conversation with her in my life, nothing that meant anything. She caread about me and spoiled me rotten. And I can't even be there when she dies. I didn't know she would die. But the guilt is there. The hurt is there. It emptiness and loss is there. The person who was alive isn't there anymore. And I cry. I cry for all the what ifs, what if, things where different. What if I wasn't a messed up person and could communicate. What if I had relationship with her. What if she offered me advice with my problems. What if I could of gone to her with my problems. What if. What if. What if. Now it's all gone. The only thing left inside me is hurt and the feeling of numbness, and the endless tears that won't go away. I miss her. I never knew her, but I miss her. She was kind and she accepted me for the most part for how I was. No matter how strange I was. That is something you can't say about many other people. Acceptance. That is what she was, and that is what she gave me. And what I did give back. I was too fucking shy to even hug her often, much less give her a kiss. And come conversation, well there was none of it. I'm going to donate the money that comes from her trust frunt and and invest it all in elderly charity, and try to do community service, just to give those people friends. I know how much they need them. And I know how much I need someone with wisdom to help me guide me on my way.

It's not the loss, it's the loss of what could of been and that is entirely my fault for how I am and how I was raised. I don't make relationships, I don't make friendships, I don't do anything. Life passes me by and I'm a spectator. Yet, she was still kind-hearted to me, no matter what I did.

People deserve goodness in the world and the money I have now I am donating to the charities that I feel will use it best. And I will volunteer to help out those that are lonely and depressed and hopefully bring a smile to their day. It's the only thing I can do. It's late, and I know it's just trying to alleviate the guilt that I feel now for not doing this with my grandmother. Drastic changes mean drastic changes in my own life. My life means nothing, and the life of others means everything. If I can make anyone, just anyone, smile, for a minute, then my day is complete. I don't care about myself anymore. It's selfish to think about what I care about and want, it's selfish to go about like that. The world is meant for people to help each other and that's all I want to do now. Help someone. Anyone. If I can. I need to help someone. And if I'm lucky, maybe someone will help me, but I don't deserve it. I just want to see that smile on someone's face and know that I did something right.

I want to do something right. I'm 25 now, and my life has been all wrong turns, and it's time I look at the map and start heading where I am going. It's scary, but I can do it. There is nothing left for me here. No friends. No cares. No wants. No desires. The only thing that matters is making other people happy. I thought for once that I had someone that I could make happy, but I couldn't, but I will try again. Someone out there needs a friend and companionship, and I am open and willing and giving. They can have all of me, completely, in trust, if it makes them happy. I just want one person in this world truely happy.

Please be happy someone. I know I am not. Take me and use me. That's what I want. All I ask is that you appreciate me, and smile at me so I know that I'm helping. I'm yours, I'm anyone's if you need me. I am devoted like the puppy that won't leave you alone. I'm all yours -- if you need me. Anyone.

i whish i could just stop
i know another moment will break my heart
too many tears
too many times
too many years i've cried for you
it's always the same
wake up in the rain
head in pain
hung in shame
a different name
same old game
love in vain
and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
away from home again...

November

so i'm waiting for this test to end
so these lighter days can soon begin
i'll be alone but maybe more carefree
like a kite that floats so effortlessly

i was afraid to be alone
but now i'm scared that's how i like to be
all these faces, none the same
how can there be so many personalities
so many lifeless, empty hands
so many hearts in great demand
and now my sorrow seems so far away
until i'm taken by these bolts of pain

but i turn them off and tuck them away
till these rainy days that make them stay
and then i'll cry so hard to these sad songs
and the words still ring, once here, now gone
and they echo through my head every day
and i don't think they'll ever go away
just like thinking of your childhood home
but we can't go back, we're on our own, oh

but i'm about to give this one more shot
and find it in myself
i'll find it in myself

so we're speeding towards that time of year
to the day that marks that you're not here
and i think i'll want to be alone
so please understand if i don't answer the phone
i'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls
until i can see nothing at all
only particles, some fast, some slow
all my eyes can see is all i know, oh

but i'm about to give this one more shot
and find it in myself
i'll find it in myself
do do do...