I have a secret, come closer, look inside the closet, I'm an addict and I can't stop.

Why couldn't I see that you were leaving? Because I'm alone, I need someone to be my friend. But I can't take anyone who can't stay until the end.

Well, I've shown amazing constraint in following what I should be doing and not talking to people that will make me feel worse. Then again, this amazing restraint might just only be like that because I've taken 2 xanax within the past 30 minutes. I feel relaxed and not quite as bored, but I still feel. Blah. Like nothing matters. I don't care, no one cares, nothing matters. It's all blah. Sigh.

Life is sucky, that's about all there is for me to say. I haven't felt like writing in the past few days. I don't have much energy or motivation, or what I used to have is now gone. I'm feeling a little better, but I still feel pretty flat, and wish I was on something so that I could feel something different. Today at the pharmacy they were out of my medication (Klonopin), so I have to wait a whole day to get it. How many people in this fucking town are presribed it for a Wal-Mart to run out of klonopin? That really boggles me.

Had a lot of fun last night with Bri. Spent almost 2 hours on the phone last night with her. Too bad I spent most of today in bed. And my sleep is really fucked up. Here goes 8 amitryptiline's hoping they'll make a difference. I've used up the rest of my other sedatives.

There's someone on, that I want to talk to, that I won't let myself talk to, and I'm proud, and I'm sure Brianna would be proud too. It's hard though.

xTurtleBluesx: you are a pity whore. trust me.

I'm up to 20 * 250mg of Kava Kava extract, pill form, standardized to 30%. I don't feel that different yet, even though I'm on 20 times the recommended dose. This isn't a suicide attempt. I know that I would have to ingest a great many more, or take xanax with this to have an episode of CNS interaction that required hospitilization. I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm trying to just feel different. I am worried about Cassy. For the past two days in a row she has told me she wishes she was dead. Last night she cut herself, and she hasn't done that in almost a year I think. I'm worried. I haven't seen Brianna on at all today, but she's probably out doing something as it is a Saturday. I miss her. I miss talking to her. I think I'm placing some feelings on her that shouldn't be placed, since I no longer have Jen to put those random feelings on. This is both good and bad, so I'm trying to repress it and am doing a pretty good job at it. I'm good at repressing stuff. Sigh.
I'll give myself another 30 minutes and maybe I will take another 5-10 pills and see what happens to me. I want to know the amount it takes before it knocks me out. I used to have kava kava powder, and I could ingest a much smaller amount and make myself fall asleep. These pills are pretty weak in comparision. I have some powder downstairs, but I don't feel like brewing myself a nasty tea and swallowing it all. It does work great for knocking yourself out at least - the tea I mean. I don't feel anything from the pills, probably because my natural state is so uppy and restless from my anxiety.

to Cassy

Lent Somnolence: she could make me feel things i never felt before. and disappear at any moments notice. things like that make me crave to be alive and find someone that can do that to me. but actually stay. even though i know they never would for someone like me. but they can still make me feel.

to Raven

Lent Somnolence: *hug* well i need a life too. all i do is spend it at home and talk online and read a little and write in my journal. and wish i had a life. and hope i had that. and think about this. all the what ifs, that is what my life is about. i wish you had magic too. i wish i had magic too, the kind that died inside me, the kind that you have when you are a kid.

It's after Christmas. I got some stuff. I don't feel like talking. I want to go on vacation is what I want to do.

I'm not depressed, too much. I'm depressed right now, because I'm talking about depressing things. But in general I'm pretty okay.
That's all.
Sorry.

Christmas eve? Yay. Or, blah fuck. Depending on how you feel, the latter is me. I am going to get fucked up, Christmas eve seems like a good day to do it. Well assuming I can get enough ultram to get fucked up. I haven't snorted in a while, but god, my nose is still really messed up. I'm pretty worried about it and all the blood. I don't know if it'll fix itself or if I'll have to have it get looked at. Uh, Dr., my nose is red whenever I blow it. Well anyway. Bye for now. Happy something. Or fuck off. (Depending on your mood).

I'm sad and I feel lonely. I want some chemical to feel up this empty feeling. People won't last, so give me something that I know will always be there. As long as I have a source of money, this lover will be there for me whenever I need her. Sweetness massage away my worries.

I have stopped taking my amitryptiline. I am saving the bottle and the refill in case I need it for something (obvious I know). I'm going to start taking some DHEA, pregnelone and 2mg of melatonin at night to see if it helps with my mood any. I didn't ask the Dr. No, maybe not, I decide I'm not and I'll just bring it in with me to ask him if it's okay that I take it and if I should have a blood test first. I'm disappointed that I didn't ask him about it today, but I didn't bring my list of stuff to ask about. At least I did ask about some things. He just wants to wait for a while on the antidepressent. Sigh.

Community service is coming up and I'm feeling very nervous. Sigh.

No medication changes. They didn't even increase the klonopin. Sigh.

I'm tired. I did a bunch of creatine last night with some ultram and it really helped potentiate it. Was a good trip, but the come down was very long. I'm still exhausted. Only slept 5 hours like usual, or less. So I'll be going back to bed now. Bye.

When I feel like this I want to feel numb, but when I feel numb I want to feel like that.

A friend came online last night. I hadn't seen her in a week. I was really worried what had happened, and I guess the worrying was called for. Another of my friends tried to commit suicide, but thankfully they weren't successfull. I don't know what would of happened to me if I would of never heard from her again. I would of waited a few weeks and called her number and probably got her mom and would of had to have the whole thing explained to me by her. Then I would break down. Like when I found out my online friend, Tysha Neese, died from an overdose. They never determined if it was accidental or on purpose. They just found her lying next to the computer, like she had just gotten up and was going somewhere, but collapsed. They ruled it accidental as there was no note, or motive (in their eyes). But I know how she was depressed, even though she put up a big act about it. She had just seen one of her exbf's like a week ago and fucked around with him, which I'm sure made her more depressed. I know she called me the next day to talk about it, but she was happy on the phone. Either way, I'll never forget you Ty. Your passing really took a lot out of me and made me realize how much friends mean to me. That's why I get so scared when I don't see someone for a few days. I'm scared that they are gone. Gone forever and I won't ever be able to contact them. It makes me so scared to think about losing someone. I don't want to lose anyone. I don't want to lose my friend that I have now. She's one of the nicest and sweetest and most forgiving people I know.

I'm crying. No one is online. There is no one to talk to. There is no one for me. There is nothing I can do.

Why won't someone talk to me. Why isn't there anyone. Why won't anyone care. I can't care enough about myself. I'm scared of taking pills. I'm scared I'll start to take too many. I'm scared that I'll do something stupid. Please someone come online before I hurt myself. Please. I don't know what to do. I don't what to cut. I don't want to choke myself. I want to do everything. I want to do it all. I want to take all my trouble and make it go away. I just don't want it to hurt, I don't want to hurt anymore. To be hurt by anyone, or to hurt myself. I lack action, I'm inaction. I'm starving for emotion. I'm starving for feeling. Any kind of feeling. Fill me up with love, hate, anything but the emptiness of loneliness. Please replace me, and please change me.
Please do something.

I'm crying and wrote this really bad and short poem. Might as well put it here, since no one reads this and I can feel safe and not embarassed by how bad it is. I used to be much better. Maybe it's because I've done too many drugs, or because I haven't done enough. Whatever it is. The ability seems to be gone, the ability to feel, to feel anything except what is gone.

I'm holding myself tight to keep my feelings inside
It's the last thing I have now
I'm holding myself tight to keep the memories inside
It's the last thing I have now

The feeling is missing
The emotion is gone
The love is empty


Jen do you remember the time we spent at your parents house. We had laid out blankets in the living room to sleep together and we had sort of a fun night getting sort of drunk on grape pucker and butterscotch scnapps? Then do you remember when things fell apart for whatever reason, when we had an argument. When I put on my coat and wet outside in the thick rain, that is pouring down as hard as my tears want to come out right now. How I stayed out there for who knows how long just standing and crying letting the rain and my tears mix together like two lost lovers. Finally you came and fetched me, even though we couldn't fix anything, even though we couldn't make anything better. I think the problem was I wanted to die, or that we had some problem, I'm sure the problem was me. I still want to die. The problem is still me. I still can't change these things about me that prevented us from being what we could of been. What we should of been, at least what I wished we were. We weren't anything like that. We were living dreams the whole time and none of us wanted to wake up from those dreams. I'm still living a dream, it's my whole life now. It's the only thing that's letting me stay alive, is the possiblity that some day for in the future I will be your friend and that I'll have a new dream, of having a friend that understands me and having someone that I can care deeply about that means everything to me. You do mean everything to me still. I wouldn't ever hurt you. I would never hurt you. I still hurt you even though I didn't mean to. I meant to. I didn't mean to. I couldn't control myself. I couldn't stop myself. I was losing you. I was losing what I had left of myself. Everything I had there I had invested into you, my emotions, my feelings, and all my love was inside you and I was losing all of that, but I was losing the person that meant everything, including my own life. You were always more important than my life, it was the only reason I could of stayed alive that long and made so many half-assed suicide attempts trying to get attention to what was the problem with me. That I didn't care about myself, and by virtue I didn't care about anything else. I still am the same except I don't draw attention to what my problem is deep down inside. That I can't care about myself. I just want it all to go away. I don't have the energy to make it. I want you to make it better. I want you to hold me and hug me and tell me lies that everything will be better tomorrow when I wake up. Just lie to me, do anything, to make me feel better. I miss you. I want to talk to you. I want to hug you and never let go, because if I let go you will be gone.
It hurts that I was never able to hug you goodbye, that I had to leave like that. It hurts that nothing was right. I wasn't right. Being there wasn't right. My leaving wasn't right. I'm not right here. I'm not right now. Everything is wrong.
It hurts.

No one was online yesterday night. Not even Cassy to snuggle with and talk to. I don't know where everyone is disappearing or running away to. Maybe it's the holidays and that's why no one wants to be online, but I can't seem to find anyone to talk to or spend time with. Someone that had me blocked for a long time unblocked me (Lisa) last night and started talking, and that's alright, but I never was her friend in the first place, just a friend of a friend.
I really miss Jen and it's really easy for me to admit that. I know that talking to her is two steps back and one forward. I'm not really progressing anywhere probably with myself emotionally and getting any better, certainly not moving anywhere with the depression I have. I do wonder what she's been up to and how her emotional state is and if she's doing alright. I probably shouldn't care, but I do care about her and that's the problem. How am I supposed to forget things when I still Care. I can forget all the events and everything alright, until they are brought up to talk about, but that's alright. I just can't forget the person that it all happened with and I just can't stop caring about that person. I want everything to be alright with that person even though I'm not with them anymore. I want it to be all good and better and it's not. Things aren't good for her, at least as far as I can tell and I want to be someone that can fix it all. I'm not that someone. I'm not allowed to fix it all. I'm not allowed to make it any better. I'm just allowed to talk to her once in a while when she is online and I do that. Sigh. I take what I can get. These crumbs I'm getting are the best thing I've had in months. That's so depressing to think about. That months of my life have been reduced to this, me clutching onto fading memories of the past, of a someone that I won't ever see again, of a someone that is drastically changed, of a someone that doesn't reciprocate the same feelings. It's really hard just living day by day. I don't much have the want or willpower to kill myself anymore. I just don't care. I don't care about anything. I don't have the energy to make plans on how to overdose. I could easily dump several bottles of pills into my mouth right now and swallow them, but I don't care. I care about not being in the hospital. So the only thing I seem to care about is surety. I care enough to make sure I'm dead. I care enough that I clutch on the only reality that is left to me, the only thing left from my old life, and the scraps she will give me. I guess that's what my life is now.

I had some really fucked up sleep. I stayed up until 10am ish yesterday/well today I guess? I'm so confused from all the ultram and the staying up so late. Woke up around 4pm, stayed up for around an hour and then took another nap and woke up where it is now 10:30pm. About time for me to normally go to bed. Which is messed up. I feel all confused. I guess I'll stay up and see if anyone comes online to chat with. I was a dumbass and left my AIM on all day while I was sleeping. I forgot to turn it off. I feel bad because I got some messages from people and I wasn't even away.
I think I'll make pizza and watch X2 again.

"it's not easy when you want to be close to someone... but you can't"
X2

I'm feeling so fucking lonely right now. There are kind of people to talk to, I mean there's Jade, but I don't have much conversation with her, and there's Cassy who is a darling but conversation with her comes by hard, as I'm not that talkative type or her type, or whatever. I'm feel pretty silly wishing that a certain someone would come online, I mean what's the point. The point is that I won't feel so lonely, or that I can share that feeling with someone I know intimately knows how I must feel and might be feeling the same way, and if they aren't well I can feel how they are feeling or help both of us feel better.
I feel so dizzy from the wine. Drinking to try to make myself content, to pass the time, to make the heartache a little easier. I don't know if I will mess with my mind tonight. I have the desire to, I think, in part because there isn't online to distract me from myself and I need that distraction. I need to stop thinking about the what if's.
What if. Sigh.

there on the stairs
standing there
arm outstretched
point and glare
watching the love, fall to our feet
into the floor to disappear

we're finding fault
you kissed her
you slept with him
or you didnt care
it all breaks
disintegrates
this is the last thing i'll take

'cause i can't face you now...
this is the end, there's nothing to keep
this is the end of you and me

as the ice comes down it's the end
as the lies come out it's the end
as the tears flow out it's the end
it's the end of you and me

and so we'll look out on the lake, and we'll see the white light
i said it was gold, it should've been gold
then maybe all the crazy things you said would have some meaning

but this thing..we have made..it can't stop, no it won't stop
'cause i can't face you now

take your troubles solo (the end of you and me)

The Appleseed Cast, Fight Song

Jen,
I'm sorry about all the crap I did. I'm just writing to apologize now because you said that thing and I didn't get a chance to respond, and that bugs me.
I don't want to explain any of it away, but all those threats I made were empty and full of posturing as I'm sure you know. If anything I was the one that should of been locked up, for my strange drug-induced dementia and mania like high.
A lot of the reason I'm trying to just forget everything is that I'm very sick of what I did. I can't make it go away, and I can't even make repartations, so all I can do is try to push it into the back of my head.
Sorry again. I know this is probably a pointless email, but I wanted to say what I could, and that I am sincerely sorry. I'm happy you found someone that could be the person that I was not.
Allen

I've started just putting quotes from AIM conversations in here, as sometimes they are more telling than anything I can repeat or discuss. Or they say stuff that I wouldn't normally write about, but I feel is important to put down. Talking to people brings out a lot of insightful things that I wouldn't normally feel. Lately I've been talking to Jen almost every night and even though it's very depressing for me as she refuses to be my friend, we still talk a lot about things and that part of it is good. We get good conversation in at least. I still somehow believe that if I'm nice enough for a long enough time (like a year...), she just might treat me as a friend, or if things don't work out with her current bf she'll start to talk to me on on a more personal basis like she did when things were bad and she might of broken up with him. Well I can hope, even if hoping seems hopeless and I sort of believe that to be true. I can't stop talking to her. I tried and I just keep changing from blocking to unblocking her, so I'll feel miserable and somewhat happy at the same time by talking to her.

Lent Somnolence: the lack of quality people depress me. i can settle for 'less' (i know that sounds mean) for friends. but not when it comes to someone i want to be close to. half the problem is most people don't want that level of intimacy and closeness and sharing
Hypnagogiac: yeah i know what you mean. everyone must feel like that to some degree, or else everyone would date everyone they're willing to be friends with
Lent Somnolence: yeah.. i just wish i could find quality friends. finding someone to be with i don't think will happen.. but i sure miss having someone to talk to and be able to cry and not feel ashamed and have them reassure me
Lent Somnolence: but maybe the problem is me. i just don't feel anything with anyone it feels like. it just feels kind of dead. and it must be my problem. because people have wanted to date me etc. one person still insists i move in her house with her but i say no since i'm depressed. i don't know. everyone sucks and i suck too. i guess i'm part of the everyone

Lent Somnolence: i don't care about anything. i'm trying to forget as much as i can.
Lent Somnolence: if there was something i wanted i would of wanted it by now and all i wanted i already wanted

I'm bored and lonely again. I want Kaye to come pick me up and do something with me, or do something to me. Anything. I redid my GP ads, because I was bored and maybe someone will look at them and respond. I usually get new responses when I redo my ads, usually 1-3.
I think I changed my mind about Jen. I don't know. Maybe I will talk to her. Maybe I won't. I probably will, but I'll try not to let it get to me, and if it does then I can't talk to her anymore. I have to do whatever is best for myself.

I got a tooth fixed today, the one that was fractured and broke. I guess my gums are doing good enough that they didn't need to do the other 2 procedures. There's nothing like an ultraviolet gun shoved in your mouth, or while someone is grinding your tooth down that you can see and smell the smoke coming out of your mouth, kind of smelling like burnt hair.

I'm not going to talk to anyone from MA anymore I think. If I have the willpower to do this. They just take what they need from me and don't give me any feeling or caring back when I need it the most, no matter how hard I try or how hard I try to convince them that I'm different. I don't blame them, but I can't keep pretending that she'll ever be my friend. I think that was pretty much settled last night. Any problems anyone has are their own and I'm not going to get involved in anything anymore.

Your Sleep Test Results

You show symptoms of sleep apnea, a potentially serious sleep disorder. People with sleep apnea quit breathing repeatedly, often hundreds of times during their nights sleep.

You show symptoms of insomnia, which is defined as a persistent inability to fall asleep or stay asleep.

You show symptoms of periodic limb movement disorder, a disorder resulting in uncontrollable leg or arm movements during sleep.


BTW, I still haven't fallen asleep and it's almost 12:45pm. This really sucks. I don't know why I can't. I have this worried feeling that I shouldn't have about someone I shouldn't care about. It's bugging me and I hate the feeling. I hate this. I hate everything. I hate how I worry.

Well Jen and her bf fixed things and got back together. I talked to her today on the phone for a little, but I was too scared to say anything.

I feel awful. I took a bunch of ultram, xanax, and klonopin because I don't want to feel anything. I asked her how long she would be on, but she left before the ultram got to take effect. So I'm here alone talking to 3 different people that I'm not very close to while I get to feeling fucked up. I put 2 ultrams up my nose and it didn't hurt as much as it usually does. I don't think that is a positive sign.

I want her to be my friend so much. I still want to be with her. She knows that. I don't know how she can talk to me knowing that. It hurts me to talk to her, but I just can't stop talking to her. I like her too much. I still love her and that feeling won't die. The tears won't stop, the pain won't stop, the feeling inside won't stop.

I can't sleep at all. No matter how much amitryptiline, kava kava, herbal sleep pills, klonopin, and xanax I take I can't fall asleep or even get drowsy. I am full of anxiety and I am worried. Why am I so worried? I shouldn't be this worried. I think I just want a reason to worry because I haven't had a good break down in a while. I need to cry. I need to pull something out from inside me and stomp on it. I need to hurt. I need to see the pain wash down red over my legs and down the drain. I need that crimson flash and acrid smell to make me pull back to reality. I need to hold someone. I need to hug someone. I need someone to hug me. I need to be needed. I need.

I worry way too much. I haven't seen Jen online since around 4:30, which was when I tried to call the first time. I've since tried calling at 7:30 and 9:00. It's been busy each time, which I guess means someone is online but I don't see her or Melissa on AIM, or Melissa is talking to someone for a long time which is possible. Or maybe my number is blocked (paranoid feeling). I don't know. I just want to make sure stuff is 'okay', and then I'll be fine. It really isn't any of my business and I should just calm down. I think I will. Some kava kava, a xanax, and a klonopin will make me feel a little better. It's really too late for me to be calling now so I'll just hope I see someone online, but I probably won't. Oh well.
No one is online. I don't know what is wrong with today. Usually there are a few people to talk to and stuff, but no one has been online except Tessa for a brief few minutes and I didn't want to talk to her.
Picky me.

So yesterday I talked to Jen for a long time. I cried for what seemed like two or three hours during that time. Not bad crying, just the kind where the tears keep falling down your face and it won't stop. She found out how I felt about her (that I still liked her), which I didn't want her to find out about at all. But she asked what were my feelings were and I kind of had to say, I mean I didn't, but I did. I hope everything is going okay for her, I really do. It's not any of my business, but I always wanted the best for her, so I'm hoping for the best.

I'm off the Paxil CR completely now, and I think that's the reason for my moodiness. The random crying and the sad feelings and all that. I hope the Lexapro starts taking effect soon. I got a prescription for amitriptylin but I'm not using it. I tried it for one night and I think it worked okay for sedation. I didn't really feel tired just kind of extra relaxed I guess, like the first time I tried a valium or something. I'm keeping it until I can get my new Dr. to prescribe it for my sleep/depression/anxiety and in case I want to kill myself again. Heh, again.

I've been feeling really strange lately. My moods are all over the place. I'm not really doing anything. I don't feel like doing anything. I feel kind of hopeless. I am without hope.

Went out again today. Got really fucking annoyed with my mom and it wasn't enjoyable at all. I don't think I'll be going out anytime soon again. Not unless Kaye decides to kidnap me like she always says. I got a couple pairs of pants and a corduroy jacket and that was about it. Got my meds from walmart but the fuckheads there wouldn't give me my klonopin, so I came home pissed and made my dad go there to get it. I'm all out and I really need it, especially now since I'm in a pissy mood.

I can't believe I took 600mg of Ultram tonight. It didn't fuck me up as much as I wanted it to. I'm kind of surprised I'm not having body movements or symptoms of a possible seizure. That's good I guess.

Well I'm a lot less stressed now. Just kind of worrying about community service. I need to give them a call tomorrow if I'm awake in time.
Ugh.

The arraignment today wasn't very fun. It lasted 4 hours about. Basically what happened was I sat in the courtroom for a long time until the DA called me out and then I got to plea bargain my thing down. The original ticket was reckless driving and leaving the scene of an accident, which I pled guilty to the the reckless driving and bargained the leaving the scene of an accident which was a 12 point ticket (I would of lost my license) down to obstuction of goverment justice, a 3rd degree misdemeaner and I am on 12 month unsupervised probation and I have to finish 24 hours of community service by the end of Jan. I'm pretty worried about the community service as I can't deal with people. I am also worried about driving again. If I get in any kind of trouble during my probation things will be fucked. So I have to be really careful. I don't even want to drive anymore because I'm scared of getting in an accident and then things will be really bad. I don't know what to do. I just kind of want to crawl away and die. Tomorrow I need to call places and find some community service things that I can get done. Sigh. I don't know what to do. One place I can call that the guy gave me is the public library, so I hope they have some hours for me as I think that would be the easiest thing for me to do.

Life sucks. I'm going to get very fucked up tonight. I wish I had more stuff to get fucked up on other than ultram. I need more.

Today was the last day of therapy and the last time I see my current psychiatrist. No new medication changes other than changing the imipramine to amitryptaline, which I think I will get filled as my sleep sucks and if it helps then I'll ask my current Dr. to put me on it too. There are just a few more days lefting of being on paxil cr, before I start tapering down the imipramine, which will take a week or two until and then I'll just be on lexapro. I will have to ask the Dr. to double the dose of the lexapro, but I really haven't had any side effects at all from it which is great. Not like the paxil which gave me a ton of side effects and the imipramine which gave me some god awful dry mouth. I guess it stops your salivary glands from working, and you have dry mouth all day long. Waking up is one of the worst things because your mouth is so yucky from no salivia.

I want to see my new Dr. now and get something for my sleep. I have to wait until the 23rd. Sigh.

Tomorrow is court day and I'm pretty nervous. So far I've confused an extra two klonoping (1mg each), and I just swallowed 1 mg of xanax, but I still don't feel that relaxed. I think I'm going to be taking much more before tonight is over and I will be taking a lot in the morning.
I'm really worried about what will happen. I don't want to lose my license. Cry. I think that would send my depression spiralling even more downward, and I don't want that to happen. I don't want to start doing the really bad stuff again. Sigh.

I want the impossible to happen.
I want Jen to be friends with me again.
I want her to not hate me.
I want to regain her trust.

None of this is possible. She won't ever trust me again. She won't ever be my friend again. This farce or whatever you would call it where we talk somewhat regularly online is hurtful to me, it makes big holes in myself appear and I can't fill them fast enough with drugs, false emotions and hopes, or anything else I can't. It's just all falling tears and blood, from festering old wounds that have never healed. They have just festered with time waiting until the right moment to burst open and bring all the pain back again. Now is the time. The pain is back again. The hurt is back again. The hatred I feel towards myself is back again.

I want to die. I don't have the energy to commit suicide because I'm so depressed. For a while I could of done it, when I was on the paxil and was feeling good. I could of tried overdosing or tried cutting, I probably would of done both and stayed in the shower and hope I bled enough to make a difference until the feeling of the drugs kicked in and hopefully made me fall asleep. I have the stuff to do it now, as I've been saving it up. It's enough to knock me unconscious for a while and hopefully a coma, and if I have enough death is very possible. I want it to happen, but I just can't do it. I don't have the energy to plan. I don't have the energy to make anything happen. I don't have the energy to care.

I don't have the energy to have a life, or care that I don't have one. All I have left is the energy to hate myself.

lentsomnolence: i want to just melt away and disappear and fade from everyone's memory
lentsomnolence: it feels like everyday is something special because i made it another day. but i wonder what the use of it is because i can't do anything to make things better. sorry i should shush.

I forgot to say that I got started on the (old) purple pill Prilosec. It really isn't that purple, like that make they think it is. I want the (new) purple pill that really is purple. I'm on a 14 day course of taking it, one each morning and it should stop the acid reflux problem and if it doesn't they will have to do some really scary investigating like xraying my stomach with green glowing goop in it and sticking a camera down my throat to check things out. I think it's just my anxiety making everything worse. I don't know. I hope this stuff works. I don't want yet more scary Dr. stuff to happen.

I feel really awful tonight. I want to get messed up again on Ultram like I did last night, but I know I can't get anymore right now. It's too soon. I think I might drink some absinthe and get messed up that way and snort some Xanax I guess. I wonder what that combination feels like. I want to cry my heart out and have someone hold me and care about me.

Today I went out for the first time in several months. Went to several stores with my mom looking for some things I needed, conditioner and shampoo and stuff like that. Also went to the bookstore and got a new cd binder, as I needed one and got some sleeves to mail more cds to people. It wasn't too bad. I was getting a little scared near the end, and we were only out for maybe 2 hours or so, but the xanax I took before I left made it okay. It still was harder than I thought it was, but I made it through it. Maybe I'll do some other things later this week.
It's snowing right now. It's been snowing all day, started up this morning when I woke up around 9am. It's white all over and looks pretty. I hope it sticks and keeps snowing throughout the night. That will be great.
Tomorrow I have my therapist and pscyhiatrist meeting which I don't want to go to. I hope she gives me some ambien since it's my last visit even though I'm not telling either of them that, because I'm too scared to talk about it. Oh well. I suck. I know.

I woke up this morning feeling very sad. I almost broke into tears. The medication switchover is starting to get to me I guess. Sigh. I don't want to be back to having crying spells every morning again. Friday night I could barely talk to Jen online and had to leave because I was getting upset for no reason, I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm going to load up on Ultram tonight and whatever else I can get my hands on, Klonopin and Xanax I guess and get as messed up as I can so I won't have sad feelings and won't have to think about things I don't want to think about. I cloud my mind with prescribed chemicals to make me fixed, and I cloud my mind with unprescribed chemicals to fix myself. What's the difference? They both are fucking me up, just some slower than others.

Too cold to speak, too warm to look,
you keep your distance from me.

Lost Love

This is a really great and interesting site, letting you have a kind of virtual conversation about breaking up. I'm so very morbid when it comes to the subject of love and things like that, reading about other people getting hurt. Thinking about how I have hurt people, thinking about the hurt that I've felt and still feel. I wish the memories would just go away, but they won't ever go away. I still remember every single person I liked, had a crushed on, or the few that I truely let myself love completely.

It's another day of not sleeping very much. I got a little less than 5 hours. Why can't I sleep a nice good 12-14 hours like I used to? It'd sure make my life a lot more interesting instead of being filled with boredom because I have nothing to do with all this time. I suppose I should be trying to go to school or get a job or something stupid like that, but not yet, I'm still too depressed, and I'm not using that as an excuse. I just am. I don't think I can deal with it. I still have court coming up and I won't even know if I have a licence or not. Whether I do or not will depend a lot on what I'm going to do. Kaye wants to meet me in Denver since it's halfway for both of us, so I might do that and stay at my sisters until she picks me up. What to do? I don't know.
Jen has been talking to me more. We're not friends or anything as she won't ever trust me again I think, and if I make a single lie she will stop talking to me forever. Which I don't want to happen. She is enjoyable to talk to. Intelligent, which is hard to say about other people. And we just can talk and it's not an effort for me to try to think of what to say, like it is with most people. I wish I could find someone else like that.

Missed posting for a day. Don't have much to say really. I miss talking to Raven, I wonder what she has been up to. Last night Tessa spent an hour or spilling out her heart to me, and I think today she'll just ignore me and stuff. That seems how a lot of people are. I'm great to talk to when they have problems that need fixing, but otherwise they would rather just be in their own world.
I felt pretty sick today. I almost puked for no reason at all that I can think of. It really sucked. I ended up not after a while of feeling that way.

Today is my day of doing ultram and getting really messed up. 250mg down, and possibly another 250mg in 30 more minutes if I feel like I need it. I have such a strong resistance and I'm only doing it once a week now. Sigh. My poor poor nose too. Snorted 2 xanax yesterday and it felt great. At least it didn't hurt terribly much. I hate my life and what I'm doing to it. I act all different around people, but they really don't know the kind of failure I am. Just look a little harder people, please. Tell me to fuck off or something.

I went and saw a new Dr. today at the insistence of my father. Surprisingly, I'm not sure how, he prescribed me 1mg of Klonopin 2x a day, which he said he'll up to the 2mg that I wanted when I see him next time, and he also prescribed me 60 1mg Xanax to take as needed, which is great. I also got some antibiotics for my face and that's good. Even asked me if I wanted a pill or a cream and I got to choose, so I picked the pill, as cream stuff always dries my face out. I just took my first xanax in probably 2 months a few minutes ago, I wonder if it'll feel as good as always and if I'll feel calmed down. Oh he also showed me how to do a testicular exam, which was pretty scary. I go back and see him in 3 weeks. I see the therapist and psychiatrist next week, but that will be the last time I see them I think. Which is good. At least the therapist bit. I hate seeing her.

Therapist sucked.
I see a MD tomorrow.

Blah.
Kill me.

Yet another sleepless night. I wish my body would listen to me. I wish my psychiatrist would listen to me too. Then I wouldn't be in this mess.

I'm worried about Tessa getting together with 'Drew. She's so out of touch with reality, and she's pushing all of her friends away even though she won't say it to anyone. She's going to get hurt. That whole family is a bunch of assholes and jerks. How can she in her right mind date someone that is the brother of someone that raped her best friend. That's fucking ridiculous. I don't see how anyone could do that. Andrew is a mean and awful person and he's going to use her and then she'll come back when she's hurt asking for help again from the same people she pushed away.
Oh well. I wash my hands of the whole thing. Yeah right. I know I'll still continue to worry, but its past anything that I can do. I can't help it.

I think the Paxil is starting to work on me. Possibly. It's so hard to tell. I still have no motivation to do anything, my energy level is only slightly better, but my sleep is still really screwed up, and my anxiety level is higher than it's ever been, and I'm still having the odd crying spell once in a while. At least this Wed., I'm going to up my dose anyway without asking, since I have enough left in this prescription to do so, and I know the shrink will have no problem increasing my Paxil dose. I wish she was that easy with everything else. If she doesn't give me anything good to sleep and anything to help the anxiety more, I'm going to go crazy. I might just refuse to stop going to therapy and stop seeing the psychiatrist. There's really no point if she's only going to help me half way and not address the rest of my problems. I've been in therapy for probably 4 months, it is not going to resolve my agoraphobia or my social & generalized anxiety. Only medication will and my own self determination while on medication to change my behavior and cognitive thoughts.