Thursday, December 29

I'm not crying. Really.

It's not like I should care, and I don't (and it's a lie). It's not like I should of peeked, and I didn't (and it's a lie). It's not like I care, and I don't (and it's a lie).
It shouldn't bother me, I never treated her like anything except some foolish, dreamy person who had their heart in the wrong place and I just happened to be an easy, convientent person to it with, whenever they so felt so. And for a while that hurt, but, whatever, I let go of that, and shut off any emotional ties (if there really were any) and stopped even bothering to say hi to them, and it was reciprocal with them not ever saying hi to me. Except for the odd moments on holidays they would call and awkardly talk for a little bit before saying bye. I never knew if they were trying to reach out and get me to be "that person I used to be", or if they felt guilty and were trying to make me feel better, because holidays are always the loneliest times. Who knows, who cares, and I'm trying not to.

But, I have to peek and find out what was going on for the past few months where I have not said a single word to her in months, and the results just make those slow tears fall and make you ache, because, well, I'm not even sure why. Can it be a sense of loss to lose someone you never had? Can you feel upset over something that you don't have a right to feel upset? There's a thing called being too emotional and I'm too emotional, too reactive, wanting to search out reasons that make me want to claw out parts of me. So I peeked. It's upsetting that someone who talks about how lonely they are and confide in me, yet can come up with so many reasons to not see me, someone who lives less than an hour away, but can find the time to see someone in Rome, halfway around the world and feel so magical. It's stupid that their magic, their hope, is the things that are so far away, are the things that are the hardest to believe in, the hardest to keep going, the hardest to know if they are real.

I guess I was just too real and couldn't give them the kind of fantasy they wanted.

Sorry.

Sunday, December 25

I kill you

Serial killers often share the same three characteristics in their childhood: they torture animals, they try to start fires and 60% of them:

i. Continue to wet the bed after the age of 12
ii. Steal
iii. Commit acts of violence against their siblings

Happy holidays!

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...

...and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greaterthan any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

Tuesday, December 20

So tired.

Feels like things won't ever change, will always be stuck in this, will always be moving in slow-motion and all the things I mean to do will come too late to matter.

Haven't talked about meds in a while, because I stopped caring a whole lot and they just keep on failing. Don't know what the last thing about what I was on was. Was taken off the lithium for about 2 months, couldn't handle it, so effexor was increased, and finally they added lithium back along with lamictal. I'm at 50mg of lamictal finally, in another 3 weeks I'll be at 100mg. Takes so long... More waiting for something that might be nothing. I've been missing my testosterone shots, been too depressed to go to the doctor, when I really need to go and stay on schedule with the shots. It's a chore and the will seems to of left me. For a while, the amphetamine was really helping. Now I think I'm addicted. My dose has been increased to the max and I can't stay awake without it, and even on it I feel so slow, not the energetic, motivated, happy feeling that I got. I have to take 2 or 3 times as much to get that feeling now.

Sinking lower, ever since it started to get darker. Been thinking dark thoughts ever since and finding a reason to wake up just gets harder as the days go by.

Wanting an escape and somewhere with sunshine to go, but none of those places are home.

Monday, December 12

Spoons.

I had a big long post about spoons, but then my computer crashed. So fuck it, I am sad that my several page dissertation on antiquated dry and liquid measurement systems is lost and I don't feel like writing again.

The point WAS. I really depend on smidgen and pinch spoons in particular.

I also said that I wish I had a digital scale to measure milligrams to 2nd decimal place accuracy, and a pound scale from 1-5lbs again to 2nd decimal place accuracy.

Oh well.

I love my fucking smidgen.

The end.

Sunday, December 11

Advice sucks.

A little advice from a friend:
1. If the girl is married she is not good girl friend material.
2. If the girl is separated she is not good girl friend material.
3. If the girl just got divorced she is not good girl friend material. (It takes a year to recover and find out what you want).
4. If the girl is hosing everything with a pulse she is not good girl friend material.
5. If the girl is picking out rings or inviting you to meet the family before you've
met she is not good girl friend material.

- bettybettyboop1

Friday, December 9

Shrug

I miss people.

I'm too medicated or not medicated enough, or not snorting enough drugs daily, or I just have a hard time lying all the time to make anyone talk to me.

Worthless days, worthless people, and worthless me. Heartache every morning that feels so bad I think it's heartburn, maybe it's both, burnt too many times, but the experience is too dangerous to stop from happening. I like the feelings even if they lead me to shaking at night and crying at the open sky.

I miss feelings.

Monday, November 7

Long, long time.

I haven't posted in forever, again. It's been a lot of nothing going on in my life, the same old depression taking up most of my energy and time. Medication isn't helping much, again, still mostly on the same regimin of things. Getting a testosterone shot in the ass every two weeks is the newest thing, and I start DBT therapy this Wed. That is going to be very scary. I receive a box of plecos, this Thursday, likely, so that will be awesome. Lots of pretty plecos for me to play with.

I felt like I should post something, sorry that this isn't much.

Friday, October 21

I'm back.

Well, I'm back and my computer is up and running this week. Hope it stays working for a bit longer than prior times...

Monday, October 10

Fuck Up.

i cut my hair last night. i was waiting for you to come back from away, but i think you had fallen asleep. the last 3 times i cut my hair i tried to kill myself and ended up in the hospital. i don't really want to do that now, if i was going to do any hospital antics it would of been last night and i didn't have enough pills of the right kind to do anything to me except make me not sleep and be manic and more depressed. it's getting close to morning, another couple hours and it will be a grey, overcast, cold, bitter day. i sat outside for an hour, light from the porch, dressed in my very little sleeping clothes and let the freezing rain hurt me and numb me. i wanted snow. it's supposed to snow today. i think it snowed yesterday, but i didn't look outside. those small things that i miss that might make me happy i miss. like waking up to snow, so instead i sit in freezing rain and wonder why i'm still around, because i used to have this plan. it was a plan to stay alive and find some way to stay managably happy, find some reason or some person that i could pour myself into so that i could see some sort of accomplishment in something. someone or something. not in me, because what does improving me do when i don't care for myself. it doesn't give me a sense of satisfaction or completion, it just leaves me feeling kind of odd and wondering what happened to those feelings that i'm missing and why i ended up with extra of these feelings. now i'm crying and it's good. the tears that happen without you noticing them, that sensation and that realization that your cheeks are damp and your nose is snotty and your just a child again and you are still a child, because you're crying and you don't know why and you want and you want, but you never get that indetermible desire. just crave and feel empty. so i'll cry like a child, until my eyes burn red and my throat is hoarse from begging the silence to answer me and tell me why, just fucking why. just why am i like this and just why am i alive and just why can't i make an effort to hurt myself, because i'm feeling spoiled and rotten and i deserve some hurting. there's no daddy out there to give it to me on a daily basis, so it's up to me to give myself what i deserve. and maybe afterwards i'll curl up in bed, sore and raw and bleeding, but content, because i'm one fucked up person. but at least that fucked up person is sleeping and not killing themselves. this night.

Wednesday, September 7

Eighty-six.

I feel jilted, stilted, unserved and undeserved, mark me down as an 86. I don't feel that welcome anymore. I don't feel very "at home" online. It seems like everyone is doing their own thing, going to all tomorrow's parties, and I'm the one oblivious to the word, world, whatever. Everyone can keep on doing what they want and I'll just tiptoe, no forget that. I'll stomp like a child to the sidelines and wait with patient hope and watch with tears as life slowly melts. It's always winter and never spring, and one little candle can't change everything. Especially when they fade, fade away, and I'm left in the dark, yet again.

It's dark and lonely. Again.

Saturday, September 3

One of those nights.

That you wish someone was around to talk to. Why does the world have to disappear at midnight? It feels like everything is dead, and I'm only a few pills and a swallow away from that. It was a normal night, until I got an email, I didn't really expect her to have that response, well maybe I did -- I have past history to rely on, but someone needs to get a grip, and for once it isn't me. Someone people can't take a joke, or maybe I was just giving them the joke they were looking for, so they could turn me into an answer. Either way, put another mark next to that name and put them underneath all the other names that come and go.

It's just one those nights. And when I wish I could talk about this to someone, I can't find anyone around to talk to. Not blaming anyone, everything I say is pretty boring. It's time to play frantic until I'm a bit manic, and then I can push whatever thoughts are in my head to the side and keep on doing the boring bits until sleep decides to wave in my direction. I hope she waves soon. Isolation in these feelings is feeling a bit rough in repitions.

Tuesday, August 30

Can't sleep.

Bleary-eyed post for anyone looking.

Session 165 was found Aug. 29 on the Summer Glau fanpage, for anyone that is following the session excerpts. Watch them in released order, not numbered order! This one is making me cry, but I'm pretty prone to crying when I can't sleep and when I'm lonely and depressed. I love all this pre-release viral marketing, whether or not 'viral marketing' sounds stupid.

I watched the movie Crash today. It was good, but not the kind of film that was good for me right at this moment. It is a very racially-charged and tense two hours, and some not so good things happen as people cross each others' path in LA.

Right now, well I think I decided I'm going to rewatch 2046, the melodromatic, moody, psychedelic thing, movie, whatever, out of China. The subtitles are great. Some words like the sexual descriptions are culturely off (to non-native viewers) slightly to put another spin on a serious and complex movie.

Argh, that movie makes me want to smoke, don't watch it if you have ever smoked. The attention to detail (such as smoking) is so sharp, that it feels psychedelic to me.

Well. Yeah. I'm off to do that now.

Sunday, August 28

Soured.

I wanted to write a detailed review of The Island, but right now I'm typing on my backup keyboard. I spilt water on the other keyboard and it's out of comission, every few times I hit the shift key when I was using it my computer would go into sleep mode, which was really annoying when I'm trying to talk to people online. So I'm typing slowly on trusty waterproof, roll-up and bring with you keyboard that's all squishy and impervious to any dastardly liquids, hot or cold, but it makes me type slower.

The Island is a fair movie. I had no concept of what the movie would be, not even seeing trailers, as I don't watch the telly. At first it appeared to be a grim 1984 Orwellian mix with a sly spin on people themselves as "products". Instead of an action movie, I wish they had stuck to the beginning 10-20 minutes of the movie and kept that feeling for the entire movie. It would of kept the eerie & creepy factor at high. Oh well. Perhaps a 7 for the idea, but a 6 for the execution and production.

Anyway time to go back to bed. So sour.
Allen bravo foxtrot (26)

Friday, August 26

Crazy and Missing.

So, I have this crazy plan that I am going to make happen somehow. I want to fly to NH to visit N. and hang out and "sleep with in a good way" (teehee), and then somehow, get down to Philly, as my patron who is going to be funding me with money wants to really, really visit me, and I think I should visit her for a bit and just give her a hug and say thank you for, well, forcing money on me I guess. Even if I still feel inside that this is a massive guilty thing, but I've consulted the stars, friends, non-friends, and the magic 8-ball and concluded that if someone wants to give away money, then they can. I have been in similar positions where I am the one donating to people/things and what not, and I have been somewhat manic in the portions that I donate. I'm the kind of person that tosses a $20 (or even a $100) in the street artist's open guitar case, while my companions beat the crap out of me for being "stupid". Or for unrolling my car window, whenever I see people with "will work for food" signs or what not, the homeless people in Denver and hand them a fiver or a twenty or whatever I can pull out of my wallet fast enough, so the people behind me don't honk their horn (which is my main concern when I'm driving in Denver, I'm already skittish enough), and if I don't have cash on hand, then giving them a few cigarettes or whatever. Anything. I was born with something, they might of been born with something or nothing, but right now, it doesn't matter, because they have very little, and the idea of somehow relieving that situation for a brief day or more, is heartening. I don't care if they go out and fulfill their vices with what I give, we all have our problems and things to forget, and they more than other people, probably have quite a few things they would like to drown in a sea of alcohol and pills. Whatever makes them happy, and if they smile while they do it, then I feel like I've made a small difference in this diffident fucking world, where everyone fucks you over, for no reason at all, other than they can. So, fuck the world, and fuck being fucked over, and whatever. I've lost my fever and I forgot what I wanted to say.

I wanted to say I miss N., and she's not home and I'm too scared to try to call her cell phone to make sure she's okay. She is okay, but my mind does circles to convince me otherwise, and for right now, I need to let someone do whatever they need to do and I'll wait until I get another chance to talk to them again. I feel like I'm pushing my face into everyone's problems, and I don't like that feeling. I don't like feeling unwanted. Perhaps it's paranoia, and perhaps it's lack of my medication (I am out of 3 of them today...), but this is what I'll do for now. Subject to review, every 5 minutes, as my anxiety-ridden mind goes into replay mode.

Replay, rewind, and review. I hope the scores don't come back negative tonight.

Thursday, August 25

Session 22 and please.

Paul Probo has released Session 22 on the Summer Glau website (currently experiencing difficulty). Watching it is heart-breaking. Watch them in what has been released order to properly appreciate the sessions. Session 416 originally appearing on iFilm, Session 22 reportedly appeared on Limewire and later emailed directly to a fansite by Josh Dowses, and Session 22 found on the Summer Glau page released by Paul Probo.

I called someone tonight, actually a few times, because I was so nervous and I was only able to get through once before their cell phone had died. I really wish I wasn't acting so foolish and nervous about the whole thing, it really wasn't anything and I have to get so worked up about everything. Their voice sounds like kindness.

I need to get refills on 3 of my medications, except my psychiatrist does not work Friday's, so I will have to wait until Monday to call, and this is going to cause me to go a little bit batty and I might be crashing again with my tenured mood, rent will be a few days late everyone. Apologies in advance for emotional distress.

It'd midnight. I hope she's okay, and I know she's okay, but I still worry, because I can't get the softness out of my head and I'm being silly and I'm being dangerous with my thoughts. So I need to calm down, think elsewhere, otherwise, someplace, different. Be diffident right now and escape. Fireflies in the night is how I'll spend the night.

Twinkle.

Somethings are not today.

I'm missing and it feels like tomorrow, but I think it's that talk with a person I wish I had seen today. I keep missing things, and I don't want to feel like I've lost those things I could of had, but I am scared of the pretty things that I make into somethings, when they really shouldn't be that for me, just something else, something still good, but not another one of my somethings. I miss something, and I think I know which way this will go, and I don't know if I'm being smart, but I'm being careful and that never hurts (more). So I'll see what this thing means to me, and if there really is another something that makes me cry at night alone, and shiver like the coldest winter draft on my spine; or if this is something that makes me smile when I wakeup, and let the dappled sunlight dress me as I rise from a shroud of white cotton, the touch of human hair draped against my side, and the curves of an understanding person. I don't know what I'm missing, and I hope next time it's tomorrow I won't miss it.

Wednesday, August 24

Followup.

I haven't been able to uncover much. I believe "Paul Probo" is a pseudonym for an actor, or unknown character at this time, as of now, they are posting on the Summer Glau pages in what appears to be an official capacity. Probo, when accented and translated from spanish, means "proves", leading us to Paul Proves. I cannot think of any series tie-ins with a character named Paul, but I am going to re-watch as much of the series as I can tonight.

The pseudonym, "John Dowses", is an anagram for "Joss Whedon", who of course was the creator of Firefly and director of Serenity. What does this mean? Who knows at this point, but it's becoming more and more intriguing.

Updates as they come.

Session 416.

I love a bit of intrigue and mystery.

On iFilm, a clip called "Session 416" has appeared, iFilm claims that it first appeared on an unspecified filesharing network. It appears to be an interview session with the incarcerated/captive River Tam from the Firefly TV Series and the upcoming movie Serenity. In various Firefly related message boards (starting around Aug. 23rd) a "John Dowses" began posting that there was an earlier clip to be found, posting filenames that it could be found on the Limewire P2P network. This clip was eventually found and is called Session 1.

On the official Summer Glua fan-page (the actress who plays River Tam, the young woman in these clips), a "Paul Probo" is given in the message boards as a possible leak to these short clips; he is also being discussed on the official Serenity message boards as a possible further source of viral information.

Right now, there is only a few hits for "Paul Probo", and "John Dowses" is as far as I can tell a throwaway name. I will continue updating as I investigate -- I think there will be a continuation of this mystery and "Paul Probo" is the the next clue.

Tuesday, August 23

Lets compost.

My plans for Sept., aren't working out. I didn't expect that they would, but it's still a bit saddening. Who knows when I'll see them again, if ever? Oh well. I am trying to decide where to go now, and who in the world would want to see me and spend some time with me. I want to visit N.D., but with her SIL there, that wouldn't work too well I think. So... I'm hoping she leaves sometime soon and I'll just pop on over, hop a plane and be there for as long as I'm tolerable and hope I don't screw anything up while I'm there.

I feel like I'm messing up the things I have. Maybe people upset at me, or learning that they are. Not doing the right things for other people. People upset at me for calling, people upset at me for not calling. Why is there no answer to any of this, can't everyone just respond the same? I'm giving everyone the same kind of responses that I always give, it doesn't feel like a fair game, but then I'm playing with just myself and a handful of other people on the other side, so it's not a fair game. I just wish one person would let me rest my head in their lap, and let me fall asleep. Someone I trust, so I know I can fall asleep safe, someone I care about so I want to lay in their lap exposed and knowing that I'll be okay no matter what happens.

I want the person who tells me that everything will be okay. I have never had that person. Where is mine, who is mine, and where are they. I'm getting a little jealous now. Waking up every morning and deciding if it's plan A, live, or Plan B rot and hope by decaying vegatative process I'll die. That'd be nice, just let me turn into manure, because all I am feeling is shit, so that's all I must be.

Sorry for being shit.

Saturday, August 20

Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hai

I wish there was more resources in the states to access current and classical Bollywood films. I'm really loving the sound of mixed Urdu and Hindi, and trying to learn it all emeshed is such a great challenge. You don't need to understand any of it to get any of the films, the plot is pretty much the same, except with different characters. It's always a love story, and there always break-out musical scenes, the more the better. I'm kind of hiding myself in other cultures a lot lately, avoiding people online and not even bothering to sign on to they can see me. I feel so shy and it makes my being alone worse, oh well, a bit of fantasy from here and there helps the reality go away.

A bit of translated poetry, it's beyond me to say if it's all Urdu or if it has a bit of Hindi in it, but it's beautiful to listen to.

kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hai,
zindagi meri khushion se umad sakati thi;
mein bhi mausam ki bahaaron mein thirak sakata tha,
mere aagosh mein mashook lipat sakati thi.

sometimes a thought comes and lingers,
my life with pleasure could I fill;
I, too, could have danced in the spring,
My beloved could entice me still.

kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hai,
mein bhi armaan bhare nagame sunaa sakata tha;
meri khwaahish, mere armaan adhoore na rahein,
isi armaan mein har daon lagaa sakata tha.

sometimes a thought comes and lingers,
I too could have sung lovely tunes;
I too could have pursued desires,
I, too, could have gathered fortunes.

kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hai,
mere din raat bhi pur chain guzar sakate the;
mein bhi auron ki tarah jaam utha sakata tha,
mere bhi paaon un galiyon mein pahunch sakate the.

sometimes a thought comes and lingers,
My days could have been pleasant, light;
I, too, could have sipped lovely wine,
I too could have had cozy nights.

tabhi awaaz ye be-khauf kisi kone se,
mujhe duniyaa se khayaalon ki bulaa laati hai;
chalna hai aur abhi, aur abhi, aur abhi,
waqt-e-araam bahut door, jataa jaati hai.

And, then, a voice does beckon me,
brings me back from world of thought;
Miles and miles you have to walk,
It reminds me, rest you not.

tujh ko rukane ki, thaharne ki zaroorat kyaa hai,
teri manzil, teri rahein to abhi baaki hain;
khatm hona hi hai ek din to jeevan ka safar,
chal abhi aur,Khalish, saansein to abhi baaki hain.

You have not to stop or pause,
Your goal is far away;
Till then waste not you one breath
Journey this will end one day.

Friday, August 12

Fixed, sort of, partly, well I'm online.

My computer is now fixed, but I don't think many people knew it wasn't working for a bit. Well around $800 in 'spare parts', (in reality I re-built the computer from ground up, because, well I have no good reason other than I like to make and break things).

So things are working tenatively, until I break something again.

The Indian represenative for making sure this isn't a pirated copy (it kind of is, it's installed on every computer in this house and every one I make for someone), didn't make a fuss and let me activate it just fine as I verbally shrugged a mumble. She was a nice lady, and yes Indian accents are thick when speaking Engish, I guess that stereotype is true, but I had no problem understanding her other than asking her to repeat a few things for clarification (like numbers, not whole words).

Knapsack

This is today, and it's the last day of my new life.

Tuesday, August 9

Just for you baby.

[10:34] Lent Somnolence: self-hatred, darling, hold my hand, and i'll jerk off with my other one and smile, for no one is an asshole like me

I'm sorry.

[10:25] Lent Somnolence: i can't find a fucking band that can consistently make me ache and do those tears that have me vocally moaning
[10:25] Lent Somnolence: where's the symphony, i have my instrument, the little drummer boy
[10:26] Lent Somnolence: i listen to all the bands on music.download.com, all the emo, all the indie. anything i think might be sad, but nothing has touched my heart right
[10:27] Lent Somnolence: a few brushes, gentle, like a bird's feather, a tickle that i'm not sure of. but where is that hard tug, that pulling, that really makes my heart feel empty, it's so clenched, between the vocals and the words, held tight, waiting for the chorus to give me a heart attack of tears


I want to die. I am suicidal again. I want to die from a heart attack of tears, it's how I'm feeling inside, so tight, and crying with no control. Please, heart, burst, and spill this red hurt everywhere. Stop poisoning me with tears, love.

I'm grey, talking to sunshine, but wanting navy.

[09:43] ***: well, from what you say, it all seems to be giving you at least a little improvement
[09:44] Lent Somnolence: it seems so. but i am crashing now
[09:44] Lent Somnolence: like i always do... today, and maybe 2 - 4 days. it's been steadily down
[09:44] Lent Somnolence: today cried twice and couldn't stop, that's when i know it's bad again
[09:45] ***: *hug* i'm sorry
[09:45] Lent Somnolence: its ok. i'm trying to just. i don't know. i'll wake up tomorrow and see what i do with myself
[09:46] Lent Somnolence: i'm sick of drugging and i don't do that much compared to how i used to
[09:46] Lent Somnolence: and it's sick to think of what i think is a little bit now
[09:47] Lent Somnolence: typical fucking day if it's good i won't take anything extra. but if i'm falling i'll be on 3 times as much adderall, and taking klonopin in huge doses, and in the evening drinking or snorting ambien every 30 minutes to keep me smiling
[09:47] Lent Somnolence: i call that little
[09:47] Lent Somnolence: cause it isn't fucking opiates anymore
[09:48] Lent Somnolence: and all i want is a dream to spend with you for a little while and abuse myself. i'm wrong, inside.

Tuesday, July 26

Kill vampires.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5600591477&category=1469&rd=1

This auction will disappear inevitably even if eBay doesn't take it down, so I've copied the text of the auction for preservation.

PLEASE WATCH THIS ITEM

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THIS AUCTION



WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING AT IS THE NEWEST KIT OUT DESIGNED FOR KILLING VAMPIRES. THIS KIT WAS MADE TO BRING OLD STYLE INTO THE 21ST CENTURY.

WE HAVE ALL BEEN TOLD THAT VAMPIRES ARE JUST MYTHS FROM HISTORY, AND THAT STORIES HAVE BEEN MADE UP THROUGH THE YEARS JUST TO SCARE US OR SELL MOVIES.

WELL IF THIS IS TRUE THEN WHY DO SO MANY COUNTRIES HAVE SO MANY BELIEFS ABOUT THESE MYSTERY FIGURES.

THE KIT THAT YOU ARE FIXING TO SEE IN THE FOLLOWING PICTURES AND HEAR DESCRIBED IN THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPHS WAS DESIGNED BY SOMEONE WELL VERSED ON THE VAMPIRE FOLKLORE. HE ASKED TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS BECAUSE OF BELIEFS HE HAS AND BECAUSE OF HIS DEALINGS WITH THE SO CALLED MYTHS.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THIS AUCTION

I WILL SAY THAT HE IS NOT FROM THE UNITED STATES AND AS YOU CAN SEE IN THE PICTURES OF THE CASE THERE IS A LUGGAGE TAG ATTACHED FROM WHERE HE SENT THIS CASE TO ME. I WILL NOT REVEAL THE LOCATION AT THIS TIME BUT IF THE BIDDING OR WATCHERS GET HIGH ENOUGH I WILL TAKE A PICTURE OF THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TAG AND ADD IT TO THE LISTING.



CHANGING FROM EIGHTEENTH CENTURY TO TWENTY FIRST CENTURY IN A VAMPIRE KILLING KIT IS NOT THAT DIFFICULT AS MOST THINGS STILL WORK THE WAY THEY USED TO AS ACCORDING TO LEGEND.

THE ONLY REAL CHANGES THAT HAVE BEEN FOUND BY PEOPLE DEALING WITH THIS AREA IS THAT WOODEN STAKES AND CROSSES ARE NOT NECESSARY AND NEWER MATERIALS ARE MUCH EASIER TO COME BY AND DESIGN. THE OTHER ITEMS THAT WERE USED WAY BACK WHEN ARE STILL JUST AS EFFECTIVE, AND STILL QUITE EASY TO COME BY.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THIS AUCTION

HERE IS THE KIT AND ITS CONTENTS: WHAT YOU ARE BIDDING ON IS AN ALUMINUM CASE AS DESCRIBED WITH THE FOLLOWING CONTENTS:

THE CASE IS ALUMINUM WITH BLACK CORNER TRIM AND BLACK EDGE ACCENTS, IT HAS 2 LOCKABLE CLASPS TO KEEP UNWANTED PERSONS OUT. IT HAS 4 BUTTON FEET ON THE BOTTOM. IT HAS A CARRYING HANDLE AND THE MEASURMENTS ARE 18" WIDE X 13" LONG X 6" DEEP. IT IS CUSHIONED ON THE INSIDE WITH A POCKETED LEAF THAT SPIN SNAPS IN PLACE.

1.
THE FIRST ITEM IS OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE. AS EVERYONE KNOWS THE FIRST DEFENSE WHEN FIGHTING VAMPIRES IS THE CROSS. IT SYMBOLIZES RELIGION AND EVERYTHING THE VAMPIRE IS AGAINST. THIS CROSS IS BEAUTIFUL AND MADE OF CAST ALUMINUM WITH BEAUTIFUL DESIGN WORK. IT MEASURES 17" TALL AND 10 1/2" ACROSS
2.
THE NEXT ITEM IS SIMULAR TO THE LAST ONLY IT IS MORE PERSONAL AND CAN BE WORN AS PERSONAL PROTECTION AGAINST THE VAMPIRE. IT IS A SILVER CROSS PENDANT ON A 12" CHAIN TO BE WORN AROUND THE NECK OF THE VAMPIRE HUNTER.
3.
NEXT THERE IS A SMALL FLASHLIGHT, NO ONE WANTS TO GO INTO A DARK DUNGEON OR BASEMENT IN SEARCH OF VAMPIRES WITH OUT SOME TYPE OF LIGHT. CANDLES USED TO BE THE LIGHT OF CHOICE BUT THE FLASHLIGHT IS MUCH MORE RELIABLE AND A BIG IMPROVEMENT FROM OLDER KITS
4.
THE SMALL WHITE BIBLE IN THIS KIT IS USED TO READ THE GOSPEL OVER CHILDRENS HEADS AS A REMEDY AGAINST ATTACKS AND ALSO FOR EXORCISM. THIS IS ALL EXPLAINED IN THE BOOK INCLUDED WITH THIS KIT.
5.
THERE ARE THREE GLASS VIALS THAT WERE USED FOR MIXING DIFFERENT TYPES OF CURES OR REMEDY.
6.
THERE IS ONE VIAL OF RED LIQUID USED TO INTISE THE VAMPIRE OR LEAD HIM TO WHERE HE IS MOST VENERABLE
7.
THERE ARE 4 GLASS CANISTERS INCLUDED IN THIS KIT WITH EACH ONE CONTAINING A VERY IMPORTANT INGREDIENT. THE FIRST IS FILLED WITH POPPY SEEDS VAMPIRES HAVE A FASCINATION WITH COUNTING AND POPPY SEEDS ARE USED TO SPRINKLE IN OR AROUND THE COFFIN OF A VAMPIRE OR YOUR DOORSTEP OF YOUR HOME. THE VAMPIRE WILL HAVE TO COUNT EACH AND EVERY POPPYSEED BEFORE HE LEAVES AND BY THIS TIME THE SUN WILL BE COMING UP AND HE WILL HAVE TO STAY IN THE COFFIN OR RETURN TO IT BEFORE THE LIGHT. THE NEXT CANISTER IS FILLED WITH GARLIC POWDER AND THE NEXT WITH GARLIC CLOVES, VAMPIRES ARE KNOWN TO HATE GARLIC AND SUSPECTED VAMPIRES WERE OFFERED GARLIC TO EAT TO SEE IF IT WAS REFUSED. THE LAST IS FILLED WITH HOLY WATER USED TO SPRINKLE OR POUR ON VAMPIRES AS THIS CAUSED A BURNING OF THE FLESH AND WOULD WEAKEN THE VAMPIRE.
8.
THERE ARE ALSO 3 CLOTH BAGS INCLUDED, ONE WHICH CONTAINS RICE GRANULES USED THE SAME AS THE POPPY SEED, AND 2 EXTRAS FOR OTHER MEANS EXPLAINED IN THE BOOK. EXAMPLE: A PINCH OF SALT IN A CLOTH BAG HUNG AROUND A CHILDS NEXT WILL WARD OFF ATTACKS BY A VAMPIRE.
9.
THERE ARE 4 LEAD FILLED BRASS TEMPERATURE RELEASED CAPSULES. ONE WAY OF DESTROYING A VAMPIRE IS TO BURN IT IN ITS COFFIN AND BY PLACING ONE OF THESE CAPSULES IN THE EDGE OF THE ENCLOSURE THE LEAD WILL RELEASE AT 255 DEGREES AND SEAL THE COFFIN SHUT.
10.
THERE ARE 2--- 18" COPPER PLATED SILVER TIPPED SOLID RODS USED FOR STAKING THE VAMPIRE INTO THE COFFIN. MYTH HAS IT THAT THEY SHOULD BE DRIVEN THROUGH THE HEART BUT THEY WERE MAINLY USED JUST TO HOLD THE VAMPIRE INTO THE COFFIN. IT IS ALSO SAID THAT THEY SHOULD BE DRIVEN WITH A SINGLE BLOW AND THE NEWER STYLE RODS ARE HEAVY ENOUGH TO ACCOMPLISH THIS FEAT.
11.
THERE ARE ALSO 2---6" COPPER PLATED SILVER TIPPED SOLID RODS THAT ARE ALSO USED FOR STAKING THE VAMPIRE TO THE COFFIN THROUGH THE HANDS OR FEET.
12.
THIS NEXT VERY IMPORTANT ITEM IS USED IN THE FINAL PROCESS OF KILLING THE VAMPIRE AND ONE OF THE ONLY KNOWN WAYS OF KEEPING THE UNDEAD DEAD. THE NEXT ITEM IS A 12" FIXED BLADE KNIFE USED FOR DECAPITATION. IT IS SAID THAT THE HEAD SHOULD BE REMOVED AND PLACED BETWEEN THE LEGS OF THE VAMPIRE AND THE REMAINS BURNED TO ASHES.
13.
NEXT IS A SMALLER 7" OPENED 3" BLADE 4" CLOSED KNIFE FOR PERSONAL PROTECTION WITH A CLIP TO CARRY ON YOUR PERSON.
14.
I HAVE ALSO PERSONALLY ADDED A BOOK THAT I COMPILED FROM INTERNET SOURCES THAT EXPLAIN HOW MOST OF THE ITEMS IN THIS KIT WERE USED AND THE MYTHS AND LEGENDS FROM AROUND THE WORLD. IT HAS SOME VERY INTERESTING MATERIAL INSIDE THAT I THOUGHT WOULD BE USEFUL.
15.
LAST ITEM TO BE MENTIONED WOULD BE THE KEYS THAT LOCK THIS CASE UP, THEY ALSO HAVE A CROSS PENDANT ON THEM TO KEEP THEM OUT OF THE HANDS OF ANY VAMPIRE THAT MAY WANT TO DESTROY THE ITEMS INSIDE.

THIS CASE IS NOT IN PERFECT CONDITION IT HAS SOME SCRATCHES AND SCUFF MARKS FROM SHIPPING BUT IS STILL FULLY FUNCTIONAL. ALL ITEMS INSIDE ARE IN PERFECT CONDITION

THIS IS THE COMPLETE CONTENTS OF THIS CASE AND ALL ITEMS FIT PERFECTLY INSIDE. THIS CASE WILL MAKE A WONDERFUL GIFT TO ANY PERSON WITH INTEREST IN VAMPIRES OR ANYONE WITH AN ADVENTUROUS HEART.

DISPLAY THIS CASE OPEN IN YOUR OFFICE AND WATCH HOW MANY HOURS OF CONVERSATION IT WILL GENERATE.

I PERSONALLY HATE A RESERVE TYPE AUCTION THAT I HAVE TO BID ON UNTIL I REACH A SET PRICE,SO I AM STARTING THIS AUCTION OFF AT A VERY LOW STARTING BID. THE ITEMS CONTAINED IN THIS CASE ARE WORTH MUCH MORE THAN THIS LOW STARTING PRICE SO BID WITH CONFIDENCE YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THIS AUCTION
PLEASE ADD THIS AUCTION TO YOUR WATCH LIST SO THAT IT MIGHT REACH THE PULSE PAGE.



REMEMBER THAT IF THIS AUCTION GENERATES ENOUGH ATTENTION I WILL REVEAL THE FRONT SIDE OF THE FLIGHT SHIPPING TAG AND WHERE THIS ITEM WAS PUT TOGETHER AND DESIGNED. IF NOT ONLY THE WINNING BIDDER WILL EVER KNOW WHERE IT BEGAN.

PLEASE KNOW THAT THIS ITEM IS BEING AUCTION AS A NOVELTY ITEM AND IS NEVER INTENDED TO BE USED FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN THIS.

WE ALL KNOW THAT VAMPIRES DON'T EXIST AND OR ONLY A FIGMENT OF OUR IMAGINATION.

WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE???

COME ON CASINOS THIS WOULD LOOK GREAT IN YOUR LOBBY.

THIS IS TRULY A ONE OF A KIND ITEM. THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER ONE BUILT. UNLESS COPIED BY SOMEONE ELSE AND IT WOULD NOT BE AS PERFECTLY DETAILED AS THIS ORIGINAL.

THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO OWN THIS UNIQUE KIT SO GO AHEAD AND MAKE YOUR BID NOW AND REMEMBER TO PLEASE ADD US TO YOUR WATCH LIST

THANK YOU FOR LOOKING AND GOOD LUCK BIDDING.



THE ORIGINAL DESIGNER AND THE SELLER OF THIS ITEM IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY MISUSE OF ANY OF THE OBJECTS IN THIS CASE

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THIS AUCTION



I would like to say thanks to buyweird.com for adding my auction to their page. Please visit this site daily for odd auctions

I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO SAY THANKS TO SHORTBUSAUCTIONS, THANKS RICK FOR ALL YOUR ADVICE, IF YOU HAVEN'T PURCHASED HIS (GET TO THE PULSE AUCTION) YOU ARE MISSING OUT.



IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD YET THERE ARE QUITE A FEW CHEATERS OUT THERE WHO ARE STEALING THEIR WAY TO THE PULSE, PLEASE WATCH THIS ITEM AND HELP ME MAKE IT THERE THE HONEST WAY.

PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME BEG ITS NOT REAL PRETTY WHEN I BEG JUST EMAIL MY WIFE AND ASK HER, IF YOU'VE COME THIS FAR DOWN THE PAGE JUST CLICK THAT NEXT LINK AND FORGET ABOUT IT OR IF YOU WANT A REALLY COOL LOOKING KIT MAKE THAT BID!!! THANKS BEFORE HAND TO EVERYONE WHO HELPS ME OUT ON THIS AUCTION.

GOD BLESS AND HAPPY VAMPIRE HUNTING.



CLICK HERE TO WATCH THIS AUCTION

:

On Jul-24-05 at 10:03:41 PDT, seller added the following information:

wow 220 lookers and only 3 watchers, come on ebayers help a poor boy out and click the watch my auction banner. please please please

On Jul-26-05 at 09:58:09 PDT, seller added the following information:

WOW 3285 LOOKERS THAT IS SO COOL

BUT ONLY 25 WATCHERS, HEY THANKS YOU GUYS THANKS FOR THE HELP

COME ON GUYS THIS AUCTION MAY BE MY ONLY CHANCE TO GET TO THE PULSE PLEASE HELP ME OUT CLICK THAT BANNER AND WATCH!!!

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK MURIGEN KENMONCAREY AND THE HIGH BIDDER AT THIS TIME (WELIKEWEBUY) YOU GUYS ROCK!!! YOU ARE REALLY GOING TO LIKE THIS CASE IF YOU ARE THE WINNER. IT IS GOING TO HAVE PEOPLE TALKING EVERYTIME THEY SEE IT. THANKS AGAIN AND IF YOU ARE THE HIGH BIDDER AND WANT YOUR SITE LISTED HERE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME AND LET ME KNOW I WILL BE GLAD TO DISPLAY IT HERE

On Jul-26-05 at 10:37:11 PDT, seller added the following information:

10 new watchers in 20 minutes we can do this folks keep on clicking that watch my auction banner and thanks to all of you again

On Jul-26-05 at 17:01:44 PDT, seller added the following information:

Woo Hoo OVER 10,000 VISITORS AND WE ARE UP TO 82 WATCHERS, THIS IS GREAT I LOVE ALL THE QUESTIONS KEEP THEM COMING!!!

I SEE THAT MY FIRST BIDDER HAS TAKEN THE LEAD AGAIN, CONGRATS KENMONCAREY. HEY YOU OTHER GUYS I THINK HE OR SHE WANTS IT NOW DON'T JUST STAND BACK AND LET IT GO MAKE HIM/HER WORK FOR IT. BID BID BID

IF YOU HAVE BEEN KEEPING UP WITH THE QUESTIONS YOU'LL NOTICE THAT ONE PERSON SUGGESTED A WATER GUN OR SUPER SOAKER FOR THE HOLY WATER AND SAID HE WOULD PAY $50.00 MORE FOR THIS. WELL I DIDN'T SEE HIS BID YET BUT IF THE BID GOES UP THAT $50.00 I WILL INCLUDE THE SUPER SOAKER AND THE EXTRA GALLON OF HOLY WATER AS A TRIBUTE TO THIS PERSONS BRAIN STORM.



CLICK HERE TO WATCH THIS AUCTION

On Jul-26-05 at 18:50:58 PDT, seller added the following information:

YEAH FOR YOU APPLEANDWAXY MY NEW HIGH BIDDER PLANNING ON MAKING KILLING THOSE VAMPIRES EASIER, WITH LESS TERMITES IN THOSE WOODEN STAKES. THANKS AND GOOD LUCK

ITS YOUR TURN KENMONCAREY YOU'VE BEEN WITH ME FROM THE BEGINNING HANG IN THERE!!!!

$45 MORE AND WE THROW IN THE HOLYWATER FILLED SUPER SOAKER!!!!!

I HAD PROMISED AT THE BEGINNING OF THE AUCTION TO REVEAL WHERE THIS CASE WAS DESIGNED AND SHIPPED FROM IF THE PRICE GOT HIGH ENOUGH, WELL I'M HAVING SO MUCH FUN ANSWERING ALL OF YOUR QUESTIONS THAT I HAVE DECIDED TO GO AHEAD AND TELL YOU NOW. I CAN'T ADD A PICTURE BUT THE FLIGHT TAG STATES THAT THIS CASE WAS DESIGNED AND FLOWN IN FROM TRANSYLVANIA HOME OF THE FIRST KNOWN VAMPIRE NAMED VLAD TEPES "AKA" VLAD THE IMPALER.

HIS FATHER WAS CALLED DRACUL (WHICH MEANS DEVIL OR DRAGON) SO VLAD WAS ALSO CALLED DRACULA WHICH MEANS SON OF DRACUL

WELL NOW YOU KNOW MY SECRET MAYBE THIS WILL HELP MAYBE NOT. I THINK ITS PRETTY COOL THAT IT CAME FROM THE AREA FIRST KNOWN FOR VAMPIRES I HOPE YOU DO TOO.

WELL BACK TO THE AUCTION KEEP SENDING THOSE QUESTIONS AND KEEP ON BIDDING AND DON'T FORGET



CLICK HERE TO WATCH THIS AUCTION

Saturday, July 23

Can the police mania please stop now?

Britain Says Man Killed by Police Had No Tie to Bombings

LONDON, July 23 - Scotland Yard admitted Saturday that a man police officers chased and shot to death at point-blank range in front of horrified subway passengers on Friday had nothing to do with the investigation into the bombing attacks here.


Everyone is on edge with the recent surge of terrorist activity in London, a previously untouched safe haven. It goes to follow that Tony Blair, major supporter of the War on Terror and George Bush Jr's most valued international supporter would of attracted the attention of militant Islamic groups. The vacancy in time, only goes to show us, that those with hate and anger against the results of our misinformed War on Terror have extreme patience and can strike at any moment, especially when it is least suspected. If the recent attempts to bomb subway stations yet again had succeeded, I shudder to realize at what consequences this would of had on a such a stoic nation of Britain. The aftershocks would of sent fragile Americans reeling, yet again faced, with the failure of this illegitimate war against a race of people, not a nation of people. Echoes of faded 9/11 memories become fresh yet again, and fertile breeding grounds for racism, hatred and the desire for revenge will not help us or anyone in the world -- those supporting America, and those nations that rightfully dispute our Middle East occupation. The time could of been ripe for yet another declaration by our commander-in-chief to declare vigilance against unseen and unknown terrorists; what target might he have picked out now? Does he have any Islamic countries on his hit list left? Most of them have quietly succummed to our petty whims of thieving hands (we take and we give, but we always take more) in regards to terrorist-related activity in their own homes. What political spin would of been put on it, what would our dubious president be saying on national TV to stir up the American people, to continue this farce of a war, and to direct our own misfortunes against people far and distant -- the better so we cannot feel their pain or identify with it. Perhaps, sadly, at this very moment we would be at war with another Islamic nation, yet again angering any Muslims that do already not have strong anti-US sentiment.

America is overbearing, repeatedly being told we are unwanted in many areas of the world. Military might is designed for, yes peace, to deter attacks against us, and to assist allied nations. The military is not a political device as such that we employ it, enforcing trade embargoes and restricting trade to countries that don't quite see eye to eye with our economic philosophy. Our military is not wanted in the Middle East, these so-called developing nations, are indeed developing, without our help, and in their own fashion. If they wanted democracy, it would of come to them from the inside, like the majority of other democratic nations. It isn't something that can be forced upon a nation and then expect the resultant country to flourish in some half-misguided dream that we still retain from the time of the Cold War and fear of communism fueled us, instead of fear of Islam. It's not a Cold War this time, they do not have the resources to elevate it to that status, but it's a different kind of war, a Guerilla War with unconventional rules that military strength is woefully inadequate to deal with and never will be. The Islamic nations that we are allied with, are doing extremely well without a need for Western-style government, for example, Saudi Arabia, and the UAE. If one has visited the UAE, you might be amazed at just how forward-thinking this country is, it is far beyond the USA or UK in technological achievement and implementation of it. Perhaps we could learn a lesson from our Muslim friends, but of course, the price of democracy seems to come with arrogance, so it's doubtful.

Destabilization of the middle-east is not something America, other Western nations, or Middle Eastern countries want. Disarmament of troublesome regimes is one thing, but toppling an entire economic region with military might and extended American presence only leads to a sense of enfeeblement. We are sorely lacking in understanding the religious mind-set of this area, and we refuse to accept that countries would enjoy to govern themselves (with their problems and all -- yes we have our own problems too; and ever political system works them out in their own way). No one needs, or wants, intervention from Big Brother and Friends. Our heavy-handed behavior under the leadership of George Bush Jr., can be hard to be seen except for a child trying to live up to a father's expectations, desperately trying to leave a lasting mark on the work. Fortunately, historians are intelligent and I have faith that this period of time will not be written down as the bright-eyed vigilante justice that is trying to be portrayed. It may be popular with the majority of American citizens, but the educated write the books and in time future generations can see this blasphemy for what it was. Now I fear that this kind of ill-informed justice is spreading to other nations, the UK, now, with their fear, albeit they have responded quite well to homeland threats, but repeated attempts might put a damper even on their indomitable reserve. Time will see, but already panic from the substantial Muslim population in a tolerant nation of other beliefs, is reaching proportions of fear, and mass-hysteria is not something we want, in minorities or the majority population. Those of us in these Western countries can try to stem the tide of insanity and give the rest of the world some breathing room -- in the end it's up to the individual, not the president and a nation the decides the future.

In this new world of worldwide terrorism and misunderstood hatreds, it's not difficult to see what might happen in the future. It's a scary future, and I myself don't feel welcome in America itself, being not 100% pure Caucasian, I have received undue scrutiny from police officers in several situations, and whether it's paranoia or not, I feel that I'm not quite a welcome member of society. I'm slightly on the edge, accepted, not hated (yet), but the evil eye from seniors and white trash when I venture out into the public is enough to make me shudder and pray for the collective idiocracy and gullibility of the American public. This isn't a war on terror, there was never a target of terror to attack, it's a war to promote racism, to fearmonger, and to continually make citizens of this country unsafe so that there is unflagging faith for our elected officials, while we turn a blind eye to the rights that are being stolen out from under our feet. When this all is over, if it does end, what will we be left with? What rights will you have? This Orwellian future, whether it becomes extreme or not, is frightening me, and yes I shake at night at my own safety. Not from so-called terrorists who are doing what they feel is right in their misguided way, but from our elected officials and those citizens that have been brainwashed by inflammatory speeches.

The subsequent rulings of arming select British police officers and giving them shoot-on-sight and shoot-to-kill orders is rash. There isn't a strong enough word to describe the insanity of this decision. Yes, I had expected more from the level-headed Britainians in their own hard-hit aftermath. I expected too much from the human condition. Hysteria can strike anywhere, and that is the goal of terrorism, not the destruction of life, or property. They want fear, and they have achieved it in yet another country, stalwart defenders who have stuck by America regardless if I feel they shouldn't have. I feel for the Britainians and I feel for the dirty wash of madness rushing over the weaker-minded populace there. I fear for the non-white, non-majority populations in residence in what used to be a tolerant nation of all faiths, races and beliefs. The Muslim coalitions there are hard at work to put out the fires of hatred, fear, and misdirected anger; and I wish them the best and hope for their success. Another hysteria and another misdirected War on Terror is not what the world of Britain, or America needs. We need a touch of sanity, not this rush of madness.

The ranting is over, and the meat of why I was outraged is this: the man shot dead was seen leaving a house under surveillance, wearing a heavy jacket, and later tripping in the subway. Police officers took offense to this sudden, and undoubtedly fearsome act of tripping and subsequently shot him dead, at point blank range -- no questions asked, following the new set policy of shoot-to-kill of the metropolitan police. Possible terrorists, no questions asked, just suspicion. We cannot expect the loss of innocent lives in this post-world era of predominant fear, but we can try to minimize it, and ask questions first and follow well practiced police procedure and disarm the person if necessary and jail them (under terrorism laws) and ask questions -- we have no need to kill at sight. The person had no ties with any of the bombings as the Scotland Yard later reported, no apologies, no sympathies for any family members of the victim. Just a simple statement, not even an apology of police indiscretion. That is saddening. One day soon, we can walk down the street, and be shot dead for looking too nervous, or staring at the wrong person -- and there will be no regrets, there will be no apologies, there will be no eulogy for us; because we were in the wrong, by being alive, by being in that place, and by being ourselves.

Is this the place we want to live in? Is this the place we want to raise our children? Is this the place we feel safe in? Is this level of unquestioned violence necessary to protect our well-being? Have we been asked if we want this? Have we been asked if we would rather live our lives and continue to live, instead of existing in a quasi-police state for that fleeting sense of false security?

I don't know what your answer is, but I know what mine is. It's a resounding no. Let me live, I can take horror and death, I can take fear, but let me live my life without fear from a government that is meant to protect me. Let me live my life without the deaths of innocent bystanders and guilty criminals on my shoulders. Let me live my life.

Thursday, July 21

Wireheads in our midst.

The Outrage Starts
Let me start with the open letter to the FDA to reject the premarket approval (PMA) for Vagus Nerve Stimulation use in depression. This was dated May 11, 2005 and contained quite a bit of information that shows a severe and questionable lack of data on the device, in particular the safety and efficacy of the device has not been tested. In addition, the only randomized trial failed to demonstrate efficacy for treatment-resistant depression. It goes on to discuss the nonrandomized data submitted was called "highly questionable" by the FDA statistician reviewing the material. Again, in a massive lack of oversight, or coverup there was no subsequent investigations into possible VNS related suicides, or clinical worsening of depression. This kind of cover-up should be familiar with anyone loosely following SmithKline Beecham (Paxil), and other similar antidepressant drugs.

Now
Last Friday, the FDA has approved a vagus nerve stimulator in implant form. It was a turnaround decision, surprise on all sides, as the advisory board did not recommend approval. Success rates are not really quantified, or well known, the trial sizes were extremely small (less than 100), and some place benefit from the device at 30%, but other studies peg it at around 17%-20%. Lets call it even and say it helps 1 out of 4 people, for a retail cost of nearly $10,000, if your insurance does not cover it. Which in most cases it will not, unless repeated ECT treatments have not worked. By that time you are for all intents a wirehead with repeated and necessary bilateral brain shocks and induced seizures to continue to stay in remission. These are colloquially called maintenance treatments, and typically range from every month to every 3 months, depending on your need (or is that addiction?). One must not forget cognitive decline, memory loss, and possible fatal or permanent damage from repeated barbituate sedation; really is this any better than other methods of treatment? You're happily stupid, but yes, radical me, would advocate methadone treatment (regardless of need for opiates) to induce happiness and rehabilitation without risk of permanent and severe damage to yourself and the quality of your life.

What happened to ECT?
A little known fact in psychiatric and patient circles is that the the two most common manufactures of ECT devices (Mecta, Somatics) in use in hospitals areunlicensed by the FDA for safety concerns and lack of testing -- isn't that a comforting thought? Being shocked into seizures by a device that is not FDA approved?

Cybertronics VNS Device
For a rational look at what this device does and how it is thought to work, this NPR article is a good introduction. In sum, electrodes are implanted in an area of the brain known as Area 25, a device is also implanted near your heart which controls the electrical impulses sent to the electrodes. Area 25 is associated with feelings of sadness, and has been located with PET scanning when comparing depressed volunteers to healthy volunteers. In tests, scripted material with sad content was shown to activate this specific paralimbic-cortical area, along with the dorsula insula and deactivation of Area 9 in the right prefrontal cortex and Area 40/7 in the parietal cortex. Roughly, we get an idea that the device in question will continually send electrical impulses to one area that has been positively identified with feelings of sadness.


Will it work? Speculation and thoughts.

Feelings of sadness, such as seeing a movie or your favorite television does not correspond on a 1:1 basis with what we consider neurological depression -- a disease, not a malfunction of one or even multiple areas of the brain, but a multifaceted complex issue involving neurotransmitters, areas of the brain, the parasympathetic nervous system, the central nervous system, early childhood development, PTSD-like trauma, and situational difficulties. Could this device help? It has obviously helped a small minority of people, but again we are playing in the dark, targeting one thing at a time (like SSRIs and other related drugs), instead of looking at the overall problem of what is depression, why do people suffer from it, and why do people fail to respond to current treatment methods? Sadly, this device gives me even more faith in ECT, as with bilateral electrical stimulation, all areas of the brain are flooded with electrical impulses instead of a single area. Yes, there are many negative effects to this, but it is also treating a whole entity, your brain, instead of a single area associated with sadness. What wonderful choices the FDA has given us to treat ourselves. This idea of "recalibration" of our brains with electrical impulses is nothing novel, it has been the basic premise of ECT -- although it's now tied up in much fancier words. I still believe ECT works for this very barbaric reason, and indeed it does work well for those that choose to voluntarily undergo it. Unfortunately the new breed of electrical brain stimulators, such as the new vagus nerve stimulator is too limited in scope, and I fail to see any benefit to it being on the market. I'm waiting for the negative results to show up and it to be implied with suicide -- everything else is, so I'm sure this will be lumped in there too, whether it does or not. I'm morbidly curious if it will worsen depression in people and cause suicide. I hope it doesn't, but lets let time and a few years pass before finger-pointing like every other righteous senator or parent of a child who committed suicide is wanting to do with all psychotropic medications. We all know we can trust parents and our elected officials to protect the innocent and depressed -- experts that they are in the fields of neurology, psychology, psychiatry, and mood disorders.

Wireheads - a short survey
Is this small device the beginning of what cyberpunk tradition calls wireheads? Maybe it is. In the coming years, I think more and more devices that play with our brains in these direct ways will come onto the market. The first mention of the addict-type wirehead that I can remember was published in 1980, by Larry Niven in the book The Ringworld Engineers, chapter 1, "Under the Wire". I'm sure there are earlier references to the idea. It has become fairly commonplace, especially with the years, the wirehead addict is seen in many cyberpunk and cross-over genre novels. The concept is fairly simple, you "wire" your brain with electrical impulses, voltage to the pleasure centers of your brain, replacing the need for antiquated chemicals that don't quite push our buttons perfectly. Long-term users of the wire become apathetic and nearly comatose. Put your mind back a bit and recall opium dens in late 18th century England or 19th century China and you have the basic idea of the physical capacity of these people and their use (or uselessness) to society. Opium use has been mostly superseded in modernized cultures with synthesized narcotics, with an economic and social divide usually separating those that choose to fulfill their addictions with pills (Vicodin, Percocet, Oxycontin becoming American's new secret and dirty mother's little helper). What's more alarming is that most of these addictions are not acknowledged or counted, latest figures count prescription pain killer abuse at around 31 million. Those are the people who admit to it. Do you know anyone who takes opiates? I know I'm not trustworthy and I will lie, steal and cheat and backstab anyone to get my fix -- I wonder how high these numbers really are. On the other side of the railroad, are those opiate users that indulge in mostly heroin use. There are no concrete numbers for the amount of heroin users, as it isn't seen as Bush's idiotic war on drugs doesn't see it as a high-threat item, even if it out of all the illicit drugs of abuse are costing us more in rehabilitation other resources than all other drugs combined. The economic cost can be said for our secret addictions that many of us middle and upper class Americans harbor, our family doctors complicit and smiling.

Disgust
There are some choice quotes from this MedScape update on the device. How much money changed hands between the FDA and Cybertronics, and how many lives does that buy?


The device would carry the strongest warning possible -- a so-called black box -- cautioning patients that the device is permanent, Schultz said in an interview. Cybertronics will also have to create a registry to monitor some patients.

The FDA approval sparked renewed concern from patient advocates. The agency rejected the device in August 2004.

"It's a new low for FDA device approvals. If this device can get approved with data as unconvincing as these, it's hard to see what can't get approved," Peter Lurie of Public Citizen's Health Research Group said.

An FDA advisory panel last year supported the device but said muddled data made it hard to tell if the implant or other factors were at work. The advisers also worried about suicide risk seen in some study patients who received the device.


The Future
This is a sad start to the possible future of implanted devices for mood disorders and other illnesses. The device has only been out for a few days and yet the the Senate Finance Committee is looking into to the VNS device and how it received FDA approval. But we all have to start somewhere, and eventually technology will progress to the point where self-medicating to keep oneself alive and functional is no longer a viable or rational option.

Disclosure
I have experienced opiate addiction in almost every form, both illicit and prescribed medication. It's abhorringly sad at how easy it is to obtain a controlled substance from a doctor, any doctor, especially one I have never seen before. Say the right symptoms, say the right complaints, and most of all don't demand, just let them push the drugs on you. I've never had to ask for what I want, it's always volunteered like a candy store and I have the pick of the litter, so the saying goes, of whatever drug I want for my condition. I have treatment-resistant depression and have suffered since I was 17. It is complicated with other comorbid psychiatric illnesses and I have only achieved remission a few brief times. I have tried most psychiatric medication aimed at depression, both on and off-label, and in many combinations. I have self-medicated with opiates and benzodiazepines when depressed.

References
Background information on what the Vagus Nerve is and what it does in our body (that we know -- and we don't know as much as we'd like). Wikipedia article.
A scholarly look at "wireheading" from the past to future perspectives.

Wednesday, July 20

Connexion.

Navy got me on here, it's sort of an interesting mix of social networking focused on the GBLT community and events important to them, such as making sure they are registered to vote along with the normal networking theme of meeting new people for friendships or whatever is your fancy, or just simple messaging on there, or forming specific groups for specific purposes. I myself have formed the Touched by Madness group, with 0 members, because I don't have any friends that I would know that would be in it and I have no real purpose at the moment with it.

Connexion.

Sunday, July 17

Inside me, I carry for you

Cry me a tear for those empty moments, these long hours during the night when the words seperation and distance take on another meaning. The more you reach out, the more you feel swallowed by the voices and static around you. The more you try, the harder you close your eyes and try to stop the welling of feeling that's growing inside you. That bitter and pungent plant, rooty tendrils entwined around your heart and lungs squeezing as you gasp. Breath in, breath out. It hurts, and no medicine fixes it, this emotional attack, mimicry of asthma. You're closed inside, and it squeezes harder, your heart hurting, your lungs shallow, and you feel a disgusting itch inside you, crawling up your back, deep inside, where you can't reach, where only she could of reached. But she left long ago, and doesn't care to touch you there anymore, with words or hands, or a glance of her eye. The itch grows up your spine, incessent, burning, prickly, like the caress of those dirty whores that never satisfy, just tease and leave me feeling worse inside, the itch still there, poisonous and caustic. It's like swallowing the most sweet lie, covered in sickening tastes to hide the disgusting ugly secrets inside, covered with white hair to tickle your mouth and throat, to make you gag as it goes down, to make your throat convulse as those small white hairs, bristles really, gouge a path down as your esophagus works in pain. That lie, inside your stomach, is nothing but a burr, rolling around as nervous thoughts fill your mind and day, your entire life you can feel what she gave you, right there. Yes, it's right there, and I can feel it now as my stomach roils, uncalm sea, and uncalm mind, restless heart beating a jittery rhythym as I try to cross this sea of life. People ask how can one live a lie? I never did know, until I carried one inside me, that precious lie, last gift of the departed, last kiss of the one with eyes who could melt my soul. It's my baby, and my silly pretentious thoughts that think of it as a child in my womb, if only I had one. I imagine that bitter weed growing inside me is what she left me, the beauty that we created, the beauty we had, that wasn't ever really there, that turned into a mockery of what we wished for each other. I suppose it's right that I carry this inside me, for all that I have done to her. The hurt we gave each other was shared in full and relished in full. We never felt hurt until the one we loved entirely showed us what it meant. It's another memory I'll carry, a keepsake, I clutch to my side that aches whenever I try to stand and walk and pretend. Enough of what we shared and what weeds we planted in each other's gardens, I certainly sowed enough prickly things inside her furrows. What she laid in me, years in wait, has been growing, and I feel that one day, a day soon, that it might just burst, bloody red and glistening, gory as a bloodied head, rictus smile of ivory sepals and violet-red petals flowing forth, wet sap, crimsom running down my skin as my last breaths gave birth to what we had made, and my eyes closed and my lips smiled as I felt myself fade away, nothing but dirt for this poison that two people wrought together. Such beauty love can bring and such perfection, but sadly, I always fail to live up to such dreams, but I hope this grisly and grim flower I carry for you love is pleasing, for we made it together and you've been in my thoughts always as I let it eat away at me and pined for you, smile your vanilla smile for me and cry those tears that are so bright when you see me -- for those are the things that made me love you so, so give me that lasting memory when we share this gift together.

Saturday, July 16

Guess what?

I heart huckabees too!

Thursday, July 14

An experience with Napolean Dynamite.

So, today I went to get one of my dermabrasions. The person who does them, Debbie, was really amused by my shirt and it reminded her of the movie (keep in mind she's 40 something if I had to guess), and kept complaining about her son who is my age always acts like that and does it all the time on the phone. lol. This is going on while she's happily sucking my face away and grinding it down and gleefully picking at my face, explaining how it's so great that she can do this so she doesn't have the urge to pick at her own face. lol. My technician is great. She also seems to think that this was the 5th time and not the 6th. Maybe she is right or maybe I was wrong, either way, I have another one in 2 weeks because of this. I was ready to pay for 6 more ($540), but I'll do that next time. We moved up to the extra course wand and used a pressure of 12, the highest I've gone so far and it really didn't hurt much if anything. Just a weird sensation. I want to get up to 30 pressure, since that's how far the machine goes. I want more removal of my ugly face. She commented on my hair when she touched it by accident and was like wow it's so soft and then touched it again and couldn't believe how soft it was. She's fun and crazy and makes the whole procedure a lot less scary with her talking about her kids and all of that, and making weird remarks like that once in a while.

This is my second day on adderall XR, 10mg to start with and in 5 more days it will increase to 20mg. I will see the psychiatrist in about 3 weeks to evaluate how it's working or not working and we'll go from there. I'm really wary and scared of going the MAOI route and being on Parnate, I don't think I can handle the dietary changes really well. It'll be really tough. And then there is the issue of being off my medications for an entire 2 weeks before we are able to start Parnate and I don't know what that would do to my mood. Well there are a few things to explore before being on Parnate and she wasn't adverse to me trying stimulants before, and she thinks we might increase my lithium, or possibly mess around with my thyroid some more. It all has a sense of uncertainity to it. She's had experience with patients on Parnate, but not people like me who prefer odd polypharmy and I still have ideas there to combine with my Effexor -- Wellbutrin and Remeron primarily. I'll have to bring that up next time. I'm still on Seroquel too. I do admit that it makes me sleep longer, but it also kind of makes me tired when I wake up. It takes a few hours for it to wear off. Well, until the next time I see her. I'll enjoy my ability to read somewhat. I read a magazine today! Heh. Not that exciting of an accomplishment, but I was able to concentrate and not lose interest, that is good.

Another Trial.

Things at the psychiatrist went well. She wanted to put me on Parnate, but was pretty iffy about the idea, due to the problems that it would cause. Having to come off Effexor XR completely and be off of it for two weeks before I could start taking Parnate. Parnate is also a 3 times a day pill, and I'm bad at remembering the middle dose and that's kind of important with this medication. We opted to fully explore the stimulants and see if that would help improve the depression. It's mostly a shot in the dark. The studies of it as an augmentive agent for depression are spotty, and not sure. It could work or it might not work. So we are giving this a shot, I'll be up to 20mg of Adderall by the next time I see her. I hope I notice a difference with my mood, or at least with my daytime sleepiness problems. From there, who knows. There was talk of possibly increasing my lithium *sigh*, but it's an option and I know there are plenty of studies behind it. It does work, so maybe more of it will be a help. I just hate losing my brain to it and feeling stupid. Other ideas than that, well who knows. I might mention bringing up wellbutrin as an addition, but she seems really adverse to the idea of that, due to my past history. I might also mention trying to add lamictal, another shot in the dark too, as there aren't enough studies about it for unipolar depression, but the things ou do see are favorable.

Sigh. I just want to be a boy, and do the boy things that I do. More waiting, more patience, and more anticipation and hoping that this run of things isn't another let down. I've been having too many let downs lately, with people going away, or people changing, or myself changing and driving them apart. Lets just have something good for once, okay?

Tuesday, July 12

Fuck Walmart.

So I get back from the psychiatrist and go to drop off the new prescriptions and they don't believe me that they are real ones! They called the doctor, who will hopefully call by tomorrow and tell them what fucking idiots they are. They look like any other prescriptions that I've gotten all the time. I think they are just perturbed that someone as fucked up as me needs so many pills, or maybe it's the addition of adderall that they thought was suspicious, or an increase of my ambien that I've been on for several months. Maybe they just don't like me. Maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe I'm delusional. Maybe I'm upset. Maybe I'm sad. Maybe I'm crying like I am now, because all I wanted was to get my klonopin filled, I don't care about anything else, just give me my klonopin so my anxiety can go away. Even my psychiatrist told me that I seem really nervous today and I have been just like she described lately. It's awful. It's awful that I have to wait even longer now to get these pills.
Even after I get them, there's the fear of doing the adderall trials, and figuring out what dose is effective for me or if it's a dead end. If it's a dead end they are going to increase the lithium if my blood levels allow it, and take me Effexor and be off my antidepressant for two weeks for it to clean out, before I go on Parnate which has a million restrictions with drugs and quite a lot of food I can't ever eat again. Or we could do california rocket fuel and watch me get fat, fat, fat, but happy.

Sigh.
I want my pills.
And I want a hug.

Now.
Cry.

Monday, July 11

When you can't run anymore,

you, well... you know.

Feeling worse and worse it feels like each day. My head keeps running in circles, and it doesn't feel too well. I keep spending more and more time isolating myself. When I feel the most alone I just want to run and hide. I give a lot of credit to myself for not numbing it out. The tears are back. No crying spells, I have those slow tears that I don't notice until they are rolling down my cheeks.

Stop stop stop

Wednesday, July 6

Er..

Feeling very down today. Keep being stuck in the past when I want to move on. Want to stay in bed all day and that's what I've been doing most days. Where did the last 8 or so months go?

Monday, July 4

Freckles lie.

her freckled face tells a beautiful lie when she blushes.

come off that pedestal and give me a charming lie and i'll lie to you just as sweet.

Friday, June 17

Shy eyes.

Again, she's over there. Self-induced misery, for whatever reason. I'm not a part of that life, and have been gone for months. Why make a phone call out of no where just to say hi, and catch up on things? How awkward of me and how, well, it was good intentioned, but what was the point? When someone doesn't want your help, advice, good-will or whatever, then all I've turned into is their tired record, add a little static and a feeling of inadequacy for not being able to please and help those from the lost past.

In both instances I was with someone in the past who liked the princess metaphor, especially ice princess, and all those conocotations, good and bad, especially that emotionally bad ones where feeling is distant if at all there, or misunderstood and leading to problems. With K. I have this all again, and am I stupid to indulge in it, and say I like it, so say I like calling her that and that I like her on a pretty pedestal, no matter how much she says she isn't that. I guess I answered my own question when the person says no. I'm giving myself false expectations or hope, or who knows what. I don't expect anything. I am expecting nothing. Half the time I'm trying to figure out how to say goodbye to her, but I don't get enough time with her to properly get into a discussion like that, and the other half of the time I'm trying to discuss plans for a possible summer and what might happen. Split. And what a horrible thing for me to be splitting over, I can't find the gray, and I can't find the appropiate middle ground.

I think I'm just lonely.

That's the saddest part of all, especially for those that know me, and can fall into a trap of liking me. I cry too when other people cry, I don't mean to ever make the hurt happen. The hurt just comes with me, delayed, hitching a ride and then taking it's toll on you. Your heart and emotions and all you can give until it's definatively over. But things are never over and I can always start over and that is the worst thing in the world. I don't want to push the restart button with someone, because second times are worse for me. Always. There isn't a point to this post, I just want to feel a little emotionally numb, and please won't it bleed out? No, I can't do that, but I can imagine. Sigh. Which is almost as bad.

Hug.

For them, thank you

I'm afraid of the things I manage to gain. What is this loss that seems to happen, whenever something slightly good happens? I'm sorry I'm not the most perfect friend, associate, or person of the moment. I forget things. I forget people. I forget possible futures. I can't explain why, other than maybe things have changed enough that a rare moment of clarity lets me see a different path, a change here, and a step there, that will take me somewhere better, a place away from self-abuse, and abuse from others. Sure I hand out emotional abuse like everyone else, and they give it back in return, but I think I don't want that anymore. Regardless of the charm that person has, regardless of the spell they have put me under, I don't want the extra payment that I will always be oweing you. You can take my soul freely, but don't keep on taxing me. Can't I ask that of a friend? Maybe I should stop putting myself in circumstances where I let myself feel their punches and screams, and just not look at that side of life where the results of my fucking up is gloriously living, dying, or melting down. And then I push that back, I'm left with that empty part, and the person to fill it, has not been around. Is it because they, themselves are an empty soul, and really have nothing much to offer me? I do my best offering what I can, but of selective traits I have, the the that was singled out, has to disturb me most. I can understand it now that people have explained. It just felt weird. Growing up, I always wanted to be liked because I was pretty, or cute, or something like that. Shallow, simple reasons. Things I can wrap my head around, the things that I looked up to in pathetic way, seeing all the smiling and happy couples together, but calmly ignoring the cognitive dissonance the pair made. So maybe I should walk around, and rest my head against any willing person, and see if there is any cognitive resonance, a little response, that soft sound that you can only translate into a smile.

Always reaching too far, but I spent 11 days in LA, and got to see parts of the city, the valley, and points north. I learned of the class of Target, of rushed runs trying to purchase forgotten items, the slightly giddy smile and thoughts there at the fun of doing. Yes, the fun of doing. They were good times. Talking, talking, talking. Being hugged. Yes someone let me hug them! The best feeling I've had this year will be that first hug. I hope another year brings something more than that, I am slowly collecting a few memories for this year, good ones, and even though I've done so little, I've done so much with myself and recovery.

I hope I can continue and not regress, points like these I feel like I'm going backwards yet again. I need that stable place, I need to stop falling, I need a group of people that care (but again, that died, even if they were online), and I need real friends that care (I've gained that and many curses at distance).

So what have I gained? A friend, that appears to enjoy being around me and I hope, thinks I'm a good person, and a person worth keeping around as a friend. It's hard to think that someone can enjoy me as a friend when my world is built on a tremelous pile of what-ifs, but as far as I can tell I'm an okay person. It's an odd conclusion for other people to make, isn't that just common sense to everyone? It isn't common sense when you've had it beaten out of you, taught out of you, and finally stamped out of you as you try to crawl away once more. I feel like I'm coming to terms with this idea called an individual who lives for themselves, and does things that are to benefit of themselves, rather than the other person I used to be and play on days when I was unhappy or happy and full of drugs and wanting to punish myself. The games of chameleon were fun, but I think they are over. I'm tired. And creativity has been lost. I don't know if I have any healthy ideas left, all the ones left in my head are not things that I'd ever want to play out. Thank you for being my friend A., and accepting me, even if I might of had faults (I can't seem to dig any out of you on if I did), but thanks for letting me stay with you and your husband. Thank you so much for those nights spent smoking out on the balconly just talking, talking about good things, things that don't necessarily matter, but talking, letting me know that I still have this skill inside me and that I can still be a human with a voice. Thank you for that. That you for the other nights of staying up late and doing those other things, being silly and foolish, who knows. I didn't know what I was expecting from those things, but it was fun, thrilling, and impulsive. I hope you acheived some fun while done some of those things. Only wish I could of given you more hugs in person, such that I do online, but I know I'm over the top with that. Thank you for hugging me when I asked. I can't explain what that meant to me, other than trying to wrap it in words. Let me try. Thank you for sharing yourself, in physical comfort with me, willing and wanting, all because I asked. Thank you.

As for the future now. I don't know. I am trying to continue to get better with my therapy and medication plan, but yes that helps me get better, but it doesn't get me out of here. I don't know any friends that need a roommate, where I could pay rent and then go to a local community college. I don't know any people that would do that, and have a potentially unstable person living with them. Unstable in a depressive way, hardly communicating way, but not in a blow up and explode way. Just a sad, wait until it's time to die way. Well I'll shunt those thoughts outside the window and leave them for another time, for when my own depression improves to the point that it can be called partial remission.

Thank you again A. and N. for the time spent together, the accomodations, the words and ideas, and the friendships gained.

Saturday, May 28

Ambien and alone.

Sometimes, it feels like she's standing over there, and if i reach out, i can almost touch that essence, but distance is such an effective wall. so all i can do is line our fingers up and hope a blown kiss can make it where words can't.

Friday, May 20

A letter, a conversation, and a response.

[20:40] Lent Somnolence: didn't expect her to read my journal. well i thought she might and i thought maybe i should put in some heartfelt something about her in it just in case. but then if i had to think to do it. then it wasn't meant to be there. so why? but yes there were heartfelt moments, but they aren't in there now, it'll come months later when the memory of her is forgotten and i'm shocked into some lucid moment with her. and then the writing will come

-- from an AIM conversation with a friend.

i don't miss people. not right away. i cried when my grandmother died. for perhaps a day or two. i numbed for weeks later. i numbed after you, after the days of crying, the prolonged, break-up, get-together, break-up cycle.

the day that a thaw comes and this particular part of my life is revealed is when the words will flow.

i'm sorry for stomping on such a beautiful flower, but i never meant to take it home with me and put it in a glass of water to be admired each day and smelled and kissed, but slowly withered. i took you to a place too far away to keep anything alive, and not much can grow in the inside of my heart.

-- from an email to S.

I'm sorry S., for stomping on you, breaking you, hurting you, and everything that happened in the course of our relationship. I hurt for hurting you. I ache for pushing you away. I can't say much else, other than, I've shut myself down in this regard, and one day, I will face these feelings and the tears will flow like a flood and your name will be whispered on my lips, and the memory of your voice will echo in my ears. Thank you for the memories that I don't want to open right now, but they are locked up like a treasure box, waiting for when I am ready. The good and bad, it all comes together. Remember, memories are always dirty.

Barren.

Sometimes I feel like a slave, one who's been stripped of any meaning, personality, heritage, past -- everything. Except I'm my own jailer and taskmaster. I take these things away from myself, throw them away into some distant corner of my mind until I'm ready to deal with those thoughts, that person, that experience, that other life. Whatever it was, or whatever it might of been that had composed me up until that point. When I'm alone, alone with just myself, and none of these exterior qualities, I feel so empty, so barren, so dead. I feel like sun-baked earth. Outside appearances don't go for much, they just let people assume that I'm something I'm not and give a measure of safety. Most never really bother to get close enough to touch the skin and feel the cracks in my self, physical and in my soul, to know how easy it is for someone to slip inside. And how often that happens to me. How often does someone come inside and stay awhile. How often do I let this happen on purpose. Self-torture, or is it a pathetic way of explaining away how I can shed something and let something else inside? Crawl inside me and die, or crawl inside me and try to be something else. I need some kind of warning, take care my darling, my love poisons, my touch hurts, and my emotions come with two meanings. I'm your double-standard and I'd love to get to know you, or is that hurt you? I never intend for the worst, I never intend for the bad, but seeing patterns of it happen again and again should make me stop. I do try to stop, but I just can't feel alone, and someone, without even meaning it, there's something inside me again. I never am sure how it happens. It's always a surprise. I'm always surprised. I'm my own jailer, and with these feelings I let myself feel. I lock myself up and throw away the key. Knowing full well what the consequences might and could very well be. Self-torture and self-hatred through letting myself feel good. It makes me wonder what kind of person my jailer is, and if he enjoys this, but we're lifelong friends, even if we never speak to each other. He takes care of the things I can't take care of, and I give him the feelings that he can't feel. Slave and jailer, we both love each other.

Thursday, May 19

for tonight

"Forecast is insomnia, chance of tears"
me, chat

"I miss the awkward moments in life. And yes, I said that. I miss the awkward moments in life, the times that make your heart flutter just so, and your face flush, and worry to climb your spine as the feeling builds."
me, email

"Why can't memories ever be clean? There's always something in there to muck it up and tar it up. My memories are always dirty."
me, email

Wednesday, May 18

Smell the air.

What else. There isn't anything else. A few days ago a friend died. A few days ago I worried about needles and a friend. I can't really express much, or say much, it doesn't feel like much, it feels compressed, like it's all inside me, squeezing me tight and at some point the pressure will be too much. Until then, it's under control. Lock and key, all that and all those words. The day to day worry, sometimes it's not there. Sometimes it's right in my face. Sometimes I hear stories of someone telling me their close scrape of avoiding an ER visit; of a botched job banging a new substance, their face turning blue, inside of their throat swelling, anaphylaxis to the dot. Lately I hear these things from a detached point of view, my head really isn't here anymore, my emotions are still around, hurting, locked up. Lock and key, all those emotions and words. Or, my resolve and facade are non-existent, and the shock of a blatant hurtful suicide attempt (hang yourself in the front door for your wife and son to see -- lovely, you asshole) sets my mind spinning, the loose ball bearings that I was resting on, my platform of stability, have been knocked away, and I'm left gasping for breath on the floor. I'm not even standing anymore. Just fill me with whatever is left and I'll stand up, no thanks, I don't need your hand. Those aren't tears, it's just rain, like the excuses we all give each other. I'm okay, whenever someone asks, because really I'm okay. I'm not in the ER, I'm not trying to kill myself, I'm not swallowing bottles of pills to not feel the pain that I endure myself and to not feel the pain that others feel. The only thing wrong with me is I'm crying. I'm beginning to think that crying is the only thing right with me. So tonight, I will cry more, and let some tears fall down my face, because it's dry and it's time this weathered land had a storm. I feel a storm coming each day, I just hope it's one of those I can survive.

In a few days, tomorrow perhaps, there will be a storm. A storm of worry and indecision, frustration and fear. Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety. P A N I C. I wonder what has gone through her mind while gone. I wonder if she missed me. I wonder if I wonder too much. Those that wonder dream too much, or is it, those that wonder too much never get their dreams because they have so many? And those that do not wonder, do not dream, get exactly what they want? Why am I getting into dreams at this point or stage, when there's nothing more than mutual, what? Mutual mutualness? Mutual like and concern and worry. Endearing, K. brings tears to my eyes at some of the most simple of phrases, or the most simple worries that I can brush away with the back of my hand, soft and gentle, but firm, telling her it will be okay, and there is no reason to worry about that with me. And vice versa, we play the same game, but she gives me warm tight hugs instead, when I have a worry and it goes away. Hugs facilitate the communication, physical sensation convey through channels what vocalization cannot, what writing cannot. I miss her and want to hold her.

Tuesday, May 17

Head and body.

I'm going through withdrawal again. Yes, another relapse. A stupid relapse. A friend telling me they needed to move on and be away from a certain place, and I was part of that place, so I couldn't be there. I could understand that. Not being able to see that friend hurt me. I didn't realize I could still cry so much over such a thing. It was a friend, who I wasn't especially close to, but had some shared moments and understanding, but to be told, sorry you can't stay with me and visit, in such a cold and detached manner (to me), broke my feelings and whatever fragile walls I had. I was invited there, asked there, impusively, and I said no, and scheduled a later date, and I'm fucking angry for not going early, even on 4 days notice, even if it would of only been for a couple of days. I lost the chance to meet a wonderful person. It's just one more thing to put on the scale of failures, and it's already so weighted against me.
I miss K. I miss the discussion we had, I miss the hours and hours we spent each night just talking, about anything in the world. I miss the worry and anxiety we both had over meeting each other. I miss her. She will be home in a few days, and it's been a few days without talking to her. Will she have missed me the same? Will she have cared the same? Is there equality is this feeling, or will one of us be shortchanged again?
A couple more days of this. This is what I'm feeling. The withdrawal of people, the withdrawal of chemicals, the messy mix of feel goods and feel bads mingling in my head and making it ache and confused. I just want a fix, and that fix right now is K. My "emotional supplements" aren't working well, and are being changed around, so my head just feels strange and I can't make much sense of anything. Just a lot of confusion. The one feeling I can make out, is that I'm missing someone, and I wish I could share this feeling with them, and make it into a good, warm, comforting feeling.

Thursday, April 14

Snowman.

"You can tell a lot about a person from their fridge magnets."

Monday, April 11

Some quotes from an article.

"I got my first pain pills from my friend’s dead grandmother. I liked them. I liked them so much I started hanging out with my own grandmother. Just checking in on her every now and then."

"... Thirty minutes later, I was a poppy plant floating in the vase of my own body. It felt like I had a headache that didn’t hurt, just these pleasant vexations. Later, I remembered this feeling, this innocent password to paradise. In college, after a few semesters of spiking needles in my arms and toes before class, my friend Lukas never came back from spring break with the heroin he had promised. The way they described it, his heart had exploded. They called it an allergic reaction. I didn’t know what to think except that the greedy bastard had copped my share. I remember needing a fix but was too scared to shoot up. The shrink had me on Klonopin for anxiety attacks. I drank until drinking didn’t work. I tried every drug I could find. I stole Vicodin from medicine cabinets and kept an open ear for those with upcoming dental work, but the stuff was getting harder and harder to score."

http://www.newsreview.com/issues/Sacto/2005-03-31/cover.asp

Friday, April 8

Only flesh.

17:25:05 plecosaur: [Private to] noemie: it appeared to just be a flesh wound. i can still move my joint. entire thumb is tingly but i think that's good. hope there isn't partial loss of feeling

Monday, March 28

Some test.

Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results
Warmth |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Intellect |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Emotional Stability |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Aggressiveness ||||||||||||||| 42%
Liveliness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Dutifulness |||||||||||| 38%
Social Assertiveness ||||||||||||||| 46%
Sensitivity |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Paranoia ||||||||| 22%
Abstractness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Introversion |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Anxiety |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Openmindedness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Independence |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Perfectionism ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Tension ||||||||||||||| 46%
Take Cattell 16 Factor Test (similar to 16pf)
personality tests by similarminds.com

Tuesday, March 22

One more day.

It feels like forever since I last wrote anything. I haven't had any mental energy and really don't have any yet now. I really need to call my psychiatrist (more like 2 weeks ago or objected to her moving me to every 6 weeks), and get my medication sorted out. I have had any klonopin for a long time. I don't know how long. Maybe a month. It's really effected my ability to cope and deal with things and my anxiety has been the highest it's every been in a long time. Stomach is nervous all the time now. Sleep is difficult even on sleeping pills. I'm anxious about every little detail and am trying to be strong and just keep on moving. I feel so sluggish, my mind is slow, my body is exhausted and I can't take the naps that I have been taking because my anxiety is higher and I can't relax. It's also effecting my depression a lot, it works as a very effective mood stabilizer, and without it I've been sliding back and back and back. I've been crying off and on for (a couple months?) when I'm alone. I see my therapist tomorrow and I don't really want to go, but I know the visit out of the house will help me and I'll get to talk about whatever is on my mind and it will be good.
I feel like I've ruined the friendship, trust, and caring of a person who's been there for me for months, and it's not a good feeling. I needed to express how I felt and make it more clear, but I've never been good at being so forthright and it felt downright forceful. It was probably as forceful at I think it was, but I needed to get my *own* feelings across for once in my life and take care of myself before I started to cope by taking things out on myself (which I had already started to do in some not very good ways).
I feel happy with the feelings I'm having towards someone I met (online), and they have been supportive and helpful in a different way than my best friend (that I worry for a lot). I don't know if that is what attracted to me her, but I'm living in the euphoric rush of feeling. I'm trying to learn to be independant, but I'm the last person in the world to ever learn this skill.