Hello journal. It's late kind of, but I have a feeling I'll be staying up late tonight just because I feel like it.
My parents are driving me crazy, I hate them.
I just want them to leave me alone for one minute.
Life is depressing. I got Jen to write to me once and then she got angry and said just because she wrote doesn't mean she gave me an invitation to email her all the time. Which is a pretty sucky thing to say. I feel like I die a little more each time I try to say hi to her. I shouldn't bother, I should stop.
I have lots of depressing music now. It's good. I think it's time to listen to some of it. Bye.

I was able to get in some sleep finally today. A few short, very restless naps, filled with lots of nightmares I think. I can't remember anything, but I know I tossed and turned a lot more than usual. Maybe something is on my mind and I just don't know what it is.
Little sister came over for a while and I visited with her for a while and borrowed a lot of her CDs. I actually ran out of blank CDs burning copies, and I spent money on new blanks when I don't even have the money for it. I'm stupid. Music makes me happy I guess, drugs just keep me alive.
I'm getting depressed again thinking about it.
I don't know what to think about.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know.
I meant to write a really good entry, because I started feeling good, but now I feel kind of like nothing. What's wrong with my feelings and emotions? I wish I knew.

Allen

I am a wreck. This is the first time in a really long time that I've had a petit mal seizure in my upper body and I even took my medication which is scary. I'm supposed to be on it twice a day but I only have 15 or so pills left, so I only take them when I think I might have one soon. I don't have the money to get anymore so I guess I'm going to ask my parents if they can loan me money or something, which is pretty unlikely as I don't get along with them. I think I'm going to have to drop out of school this semester, I can't go to school if I can't sleep at night without stuff preventing my RLS. I don't know what to do, I can't get a job because I'm too terrified of people, so I can't buy anything. I can't buy anything to let me get a job, because I don't have a job in the first place. It's all very fucked up. Forgive me for using that word, but it's the best one in this situation. I know I've just been avoiding thinking about the whole thing too, thinking I would be fine and hoping I wouldn't have to deal with RLS and not being able to sleep and I thought I had gotten over my seizures, but I guess not. I don't know what I was thinking I could go to college again without any antianxiety stuff to stop daily panic attacks that will happen if I go to college. I feel like a mess. Is it even worth it to be alive being this medicated, and knowing you have to be? I don't have to be on antidepressents or antianxiety stuff if I don't have to go to school or have a job, but that's a pretty unlikely life, unless I meet some girl/boyfriend that will support me like I did for Jen for 4 years. Highly improbably that anyone has that kind of money, even if they had the kindness, and I wouldn't accept it anyway.
I don't really want to talk to my parents about this. They are very antimedication and I most likely won't get any help. Then they will be angry that I'm not working and that I'm not in school. Which will eventually lead to them wanting me to leave out, because I'm 'lazy', even though they don't understand that I can't deal with a job or school without help.
What's even more stupid is I don't even the money to see 10 Dr.'s before I find one that is kind and listens to me and actually understands and will prescribe what I need. Most Dr.'s will go, have you tried exercise? Which makes me want to slap them, because they don't understand what it's like to be in constant fear of everyone and everything, and yes I do exercise, thank you Dr. for the advice.
I feel so utterly screwed. I know stress brought on the seizures & RLS, but school would have brought them on anyway, and much worse. I'm past any sleep I could of gotten, I guess if I'm lucky I can get a nap in this afternoon if I am tired enough. I am tired. My eyes are exhausted and when I close them I can't stop seeing things.
I feel so deplorable and desperate, this post reeks of disgust at myself for being how I am. I'd trade anything to be 'normal' enough so that I didn't need this stuff just to survive.
If somehow I can find a way to get what I need I'm going to stop the antidepressent and get myself back, its been what 8-9 years that I haven't been off an antidepressent. I think I've forgotten who I am and am only starting to remember again now thanks to a very good friend, and thanks to them I'm actually strong enough to deal with my depression (with their help when I need it).
Oh, I forgot my asthma inhaler is almost empty too. I feel like I'm near the edge of being crazy, one foot hanging in midair, while I'm laughing at my own situation.
I just want to cry at myself. I really hate myself and want anything except me.

Almost 4:30. I tried laying in bed for over an hour, but sleep just couldn't come to me. I sure have made a lot of entries tonight/this morning whatever you would call it. I feel like a wreck. Maybe it's my seizures that I haven't had much problems with lately, but I took something just in case. I don't really want to take something to calm me down as I can't afford any medication when I run out, not even anything for my seizures which is pretty bad unless I can beg the money off my parents or something, but I don't even want to talk to them. Guess I'm going to go take another shower or something to help calm me down, I feel shaky all over.

Well since I'm up late, I worked a little on my blog to make it more readable. The text was just too big before and it hurt my eyes to read it after a while, too much contrast I think. So hopefully this will be a little better on everyone's eyes (who am I fooling, I don't have an audience. lol.). I think it's better looking, and a change from my old one which looked overly dark and depressed. I think this adds a lot more to that words I write instead of distracting from it with too many colors like my old blog. I must be terribly bored to be commenting on the style of my own journal.
Time for a shower I think and maybe I can sleep then. I feel jittery and I haven't had caffeine in probably 2 months. It's really strange. I hope I can sleep soon.
Bye for now blog.

So, it's late. I've stayed up almost 3 or so hours since I last talked to Maegan, just because I'm scared and I want to be available if she needs a friend to talk to or someone to keep her company, or in the very rare instance that she might call, just so I'd be awake for her. I know that it seems crazy that I would do this for someone, but I do it for anyone that means something to me, and she means so much to me. I haven't really any idea about what's going on, except a vague idea of what the panic attack might be from, I don't know what the confusion is about, well maybe I do, but I'm not sure. I just wish (and I know I could get in a lot of trouble and scare her away by saying this) that I could wrap my arms around her so she knows that she's safe and that I'm there, I really wish I could have done that for her before she went to bed. :(
I think anyone can see through me and know how I must feel, so I'm not really hiding anything, I'm just trying to be as best of a friend I can be in whatever capacity that means. I'd be more than a friend and probably hint at it if there wasn't someone else involved. I don't really want to hurt anyone's feelings, most of all hers.
I'm being way too open and it's going to get me in trouble. I know it's a journal and I am supposed to write what I want, and anything I say here can just not be commented on and they can pretend that they haven't read it - so it gives me safety. In that I can express myself without too much fear of any harm (I hope).
I must seem incredibly silly for staying up so late, but I don't feel silly, so it isn't wasted time. I think it was time put to good use, and I got to think a lot about myself and my past and think about how I should conduct myself with new friends and people that I may or may not like. I usually almost always disregarded other people's advice and just went with what felt 'right' at the time, but that led to a lot of heartache on my part, and a lot of friendships ruined, so I know I don't want to do that anymore. I think friends mean a lot more to me now than any other kind of relationship I could be in with a person, whatever that is - associate, partner, lover, friend & partner, friend & lover. I regret all the past things that have happened when I lived in MA and I regret losing the friends I had there, and I don't want to lose a friend ever again. I want to treat them better than I've treated anyone, including someone I love, and I guess that's probably strange for most people, but it feels 'right' to me, and my mind at least agrees, so I'm not doing anything stupid (I hope). It's all just new to me and I'm always second guessing myself now and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.
My own voice inside my head won't ever leave me alone, always questioning what I do and I hate it.

I almost called Maegan, but I stopped at the last second. I reread the short conversation she had with me and she seemed positive, if abrupt at the end and it made me stop, that and the fact that it was a few minutes past midnight made me scared that I might wake her up. Just the whole thing of her thinking she shouldn't be alone is what's making me worry so much, otherwise I wouldn't worry this much, I would worry, but I wouldn't freak out and worry if I should do something more.
Sorry for freaking out so much Maegan. I just care about you, but I don't want to be intrusive either, so I'm all torn up on what is right. I care a lot. *hug*

I'm worried about Maegan, I'm pretty worried actually, but I don't want to be intrusive in her life and bother her. A big part of me wants to call her and make sure that she's okay, but she left on her own terms and I'm going to respect that and I said she can call if she needs to even at night. I wouldn't be this worried if she didn't come back online and say she doesn't think she should be alone, which makes me be torn between leaving her alone and letting her deal with it in her own way or calling and making sure she isn't alone. I wish I knew what the right thing was to do. I hope I am doing the right now. I'm thinking about her and trying to mentally make sure she's okay, but that isn't nearly as good as actually being there if I was needed. :(

Bowl of Oranges - Bright Eyes

The rain, it started tapping on the window near my bed. There was a loophole in my dreaming,
so I got out of it. And to my surprise my eyes were wide and already open.
Just my nightstand and my dresser where those nightmares had just been.
So I dressed myself and left then, out into the gray streets.
But everything seemed different and completely new to me.
The sky, the trees, houses, buildings, even my own body.
And each person I encountered, I couldn't wait to meet.
I came up a doctor who appeared in quite poor health.
I said "(I am terribly sorry but) there is nothing I can do for you
(that) you can't do for yourself."
He said "Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help."
So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt.
He said, "I think I'm cured. No, in fact, I'm sure of it.
Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile."
So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone.
And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow.
But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself.
It is best to compose a poem, an honest longing or simple song of hope.
That is why I'm singing...
Baby don't worry cause now I got your back. And every time you feel like crying,
I'm gonna try and make you laugh. And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad,
then we will wait for it to pass and I will keep you company
through those days so long and black.
And we'll just keep working on the problem we know we'll never solve of Love's uneven remainder.
But if the world could remain in a frame like a painting on a wall.
Then I think we would see the beauty.
Then we would stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges,
like a story told by the fault lines and the soil.

My life is very boring. Dear, dear journal what should I write about? God, I'm bored. I need a hobby or I need to buy a book or something. There is only so much moping and laying around I can do in a day before I'm sick of it, and only being able to sleep 5 or 6 hours most nights doesn't really help the situation. There's only so many long showers I can take, sitting there pondering my own life while I escape the dreadful Colorado heat. I haven't seen Maegan today, kind of lonely, but I suppose it's her birthday party maybe? If it is, I hope the relatives aren't too terrible to be around. What else to write about. Had a really good time talking to Maegan last night, I think we're becoming really good friends, I hope we are. There are times where I wonder if I'm supposed to be doing more, but I'm not because I'm too scared or if I'm just imagining things. I wish I wasn't so careful, but careful is good after everything that has happened in my life, all the past wrongs and everything that made me hurt. I can't let myself clutch too tightly to friends, even if I know I can rely on them to the end, which I know I can with her. Stefany just made this big hole where I used to keep what was left of my dreams, and it's only slowly starting to grow back. I browsed gothic personals looking for anyone that wants to email or anything, searched the entire Colorado area, the entire 3 pages, and came up with 2 possible people to write to. One is only a possibility because she lives in the same town as me and I feel pretty lonely, but I honestly hate her ad, and she acts very young, so I don't know if I want to write to her. The other, I think, lives in Denver and seems possibly interesting to write to. I just don't have the energy to write to anyone now. Pretty stupid isn't it? I'm lonely and want friends and an escape from boredom, but I'm not doing anything about it; I guess I don't have a reason to complain if I can't come up with the energy to escape my own mind and depression. I don't really want to meet new people even. I've just lost the care. I just want to have friends around, but the energy to write to people, sort through them, and hope that we're both compatible and get along, is just not there right now. Maybe it'll come later. I really don't want to try to make friends in college, I don't like any of them and it feels like I'm settling for so little and having to put up with so many things that truely make me bothered (like racism, homophobia, etc., anything bad), and I don't want to have to put up with something like that just to know that I have a 'friend'.
It's bitter that the friends I do have are so far away. Nicole is a 'friend', a good 28 hours away. Maegan truely is a friend, but she's 2 or so hours away. How long can I survive in CO living like this? I don't want to make any bets, as that's being pretty cruel to myself, but it doesn't feel like very long.
I need friendship, real life comfort, and love; is that too much to ask? I suppose it is, I've been asking for those things all my life and I can't ever get a good balance of what I need in my life. I'm always deficient in some area, but it's been so long that I'm not used to being so lonely and without the constant attention that multiple friends can give you. I feel stupid, wanting all this attention. What do I even want it for? I don't know. I feel stupid even writing.

I feel very lonely right now. I wish I really was with someone, no matter how much I try not to think about it or disregard it. Having a friend is very good and comforting, but everytime I think about previous people I was wish I start to feel sad and lonely. I just want to constantly surround myself with people, even when I don't want them around, I want to know that they are there I think. . I think I need companionship no matter how much I try to get away from it. I'm trying not to seek it out and just let it happen, which is a lot better and easier on me, as I don't have to go through meeting a lot of people online which is how I would normally go about it. I just feel so lonely no matter how hard I try not to think about it. I want someone to be around me, no matter if they are a friend or something more.
I miss people. I hate people. Two really contradictory things, huh? I hate all the people that hate me, but I would take them back in an instant even if I knew they would just hate me later for stupid reasons, or no reason at all, if it meant I could just have friends and people around me again.
I'm trying not to fall apart and cry for stupid reasons. It's just hard to stay together sometimes. I mean that in more ways than just the surface.

If there's something to give someone credit for, it's for actually reading your journal when you give them the link. I wish I could say that about Stefany. On reflection, I've noticed how I covered up a lot of flaws I saw in her, just because she could make me feel really great talking to me on the phone, and she did make me feel really great, but I guess a phone personality certainly doesn't make a person - certainly didn't show the true her.
I'm so tired. I think from all the emotions and because I did tramadol last night for the first time in a couple months. :( I wish I was stronger, but I feel like I'm beginning to become a better person, or at least fulfill what potential I have, or at least realize that I have some potential and that I don't have to completely suck for the rest of my life if I don't want to. Thinking that I'm good, is good. I haven't had good thoughts about myself in a long time. Maegan deserves a lot more than what I'm giving her, for all the things she's given me. She's just an unbelievably good friend. It's hard to think there are good people out there like this sometimes, but I'm glad to have met one of these few people.

_Meaning_

Substantiate this existence,
and belittle my meager meaning.
Differentiate this dream,
and dissect my reality.

Bring reality to my fiction.
Bring fiction to my reality.

(this)
Fiction
Whispered nothings, heartache cold
Gentle touchings, shivered cold
(gave)
Reality
Heartache cold, my heart is gone
Shivered cold, my body is gone
(for)
Nothing
Dream sweet disillusion, distilled essence of nothing
Wake bitter blinded, caustic tincture of nothing

I'm freezing, but leave me numb.
Numb me more, clutch me.
Numb me more, touch me.
Numb me more, love me.
Numb me more, leave me.

I was broken. Just like I knew would happen, I think Stefany is okay again - me the stupid one. I won't let her get close again, I hope, I promise, I try, I want, I cry. Nothing won't ever be the same even if she happens to be a lot better without lying to me or anything, I will always know that she left things out in the past. I just want her to be a good friend, we were good friends before we liked each other and we can still be good friends if she wants to be. I think she wants some kind of online relationship or something where she doesn't have to deal with it very often, but have the feeling that someone loves her when she needs to have that feeling. I do honestly think she she feels for me, but only when she wants to, and the rest of the time she either turns it off or just forgets. Dissasociation of me from her real life, or something, I don't know what her reason or thing is, or why she does it, but that is my idea behind the whole thing. I honestly don't know what goes on in that head. I guess I never did, but I thought I was getting an idea.

I want sleep. My head hurts. I want to cry. I want to do something. Hurt. Feel. Pain.
Closed eyes and peace, and dreams of being with someone, that's what I want. It doesn't come to me, and won't.
Reality and peace, being with someone, I wish I had that.

I'm going to get Maegan the book Lost Souls, I hope she likes it. She reminds me of it, just the youthfulness and capacity to care, makes me think of... I don't know. Ghost maybe? I don't know. Just the whole overall feeling of the book makes me think of her. It's been so long since I've read that book...

Bye for now life. More depression coming up soon, I can almost feel it - the whole Stefany thing. I try to cry, but she took all my tears already. I should take that as a sign and just say no right now, but I can't.
Allen

I've given up. Almost. I know one letter will break the resolve, because I'm that weak of a person, and that lonely of a person. But I'm denying it and them, but it's not like they are trying to talk to me either. So it isn't much of a denial. And I don't want to write a spiteful, you fuck thanks for everything - goodbye, kind of letter. I guess I've somewhat matured a little, I would of done that a few months ago probably. Now all I do is beg still for a while, and try to understand. The understanding never comes, except the understanding that people are cruel, no matter how nice you think they are, you always have to be on the defensive and can't trust anyone. It's really depressing.

I try to trust, and I trust my only real "close" friend I have, Maegan. She seems good, but I have to watch myself and make sure that I don't leave myself open to being hurt. It's stupid to say that now. I've already told her a lot of things I haven't ever told anyone, not Jen, not Nicole, not anyone. It's just really easy sharing with her, because she has a lot of similiar experiences for only being 16 and it's comforting knowing we both went through miserable things. Comforting for both of us I hope. I do hope to meet her soon and hope we have a good time, even if she is 2 hours away. It's worth it to go that far away for a good friend. God knows I need one. I think I need to see a real person and just know that there's someone real out there that is good and kind and worthwhile. I already spend all my days waiting for emails and people to come on AIM so I can talk to them. It's sad and depressing. I hate it. I could bear it a little more if I had knowledge that I had a real friend in real life, but that they were just distant.

I think I'm going to be stuck here in CO for a while. I don't know what to do. I don't have the energy to care or do anything. I'm so lonely and that will be pervasive no matter where I live. I won't have friends and I'll have to meet people somehow and I've already started the process of trying to meet people here so I might as well stay. I am hoping that college in CO isn't horrible and that people are as openminded as the people in MA, because I don't plan on changing the person I am just to make my life easier, and changing how I look just to avoid stares and looks.

I'm running low on medication and money. I only have like $600 left and the $300 in medication I ordered (and some recreation... for Stefany. ), still hasn't gotten here. I guess everything just takes longer here in CO. The air is thinner, slower, wraps around you like a snake and suffocates you gently and insidiously. Friends come slowly and with demon eyes. Lovers come tainted and painted red in lies. Everything here is wrong it feels like.

I miss home, wherever home is. I want home. Please tell me where it is. Maegan? Anyone? Tell me. I clutch onto her dreams, because it is so easy, and because I want to believe in something. It's so good to share someone's dream and I want to be a part of a dream and help her and Rachel as much as I can. I want to do something good. I want to try for good people, and I think they are good people. So I dream for now, and wait in depression until something changes.

Allen

I don't really care very much what happens with me and Stefany. I don't know how much of what she told me was lies, so I don't know how much I know about her is even real. I feel like I don't know her, and I don't. She's written me a couple emails begging me to forgive her and saying it wasn't her fault, but there's still the problem of all the lies. I can forgive, that isn't a problem, but only if they are truthful to me and I asked her to tell me the truth starting from the beginning and tell me all the things she's lied about. I don't think she will be able to do that honestly. I'm just going to end up cutting off contact with her, if she doesn't end up cutting up contact first, and this is all a farce because she feels bad for what happened and doesn't want me to feel bad, because she does like me, I believe that, but I think I was just too much for her, or maybe something else that I don't understand. It's really sad that it probably will end this way, I had a really enjoyable time knowing 'her', and talking to her on the phone. She was really good to me and supportive and helpful. I can say that truthfully, and she helped me though a lot of hard shit. I will miss her even though I don't know why all of this happened. I just want to know why. No lies.

I've been talking to this girl, Maegan, that lives about 2 hours away in Co. Springs. She's very pretty and has really nice eyes, but she has a bf, and plus she's only 16 (almost 17), so it's better to just be friends. She's very shy and quite the loner and likes to spend a lot of her time by herself, as she only sees her bf maybe twice a week and she likes it that way. So she's very interesting. She said that she's written the longest emails in her life to me, and that should be a compliment, and I take it as one. We write really long emails and it's a nice change to know someone that actually has stuff to say, and is intelligent. I can't wait to meet her, even though I'm scared to death. She doesn't want to meet yet, as she wants to write for a while until she feels more comfortable with me. Which is absolutely cool. I like shy people, and I think it'll be okay when I meet her if I'm not too shy. I'm actually being a dork and waiting for her to wake up so I can talk to her, or read her email, or anything. I'm so stalkerish, but I don't mean to be.

I talked a long time last night to Nicole and I had a lot of fun and I think she had a good time talking to me about life in general, friends in particular, and other things. It was really nice to talk to her again, like really talk, and feel like my opinion mattered and she wasn't just putting up with me. I do care about Nicole a lot, because she'll always be my friend, even if she doesn't consider me one now or forever, and if things change, I'll always try to be online for her or there in email if I'm ever needed. It's the least I can do, for someone that did a lot for me without any asking. Just hanging out with me and making me feel like I was worth someone meant a great deal and kept me going and able to not break down. I wouldn't be who I am now, without her advice on a million things.

I lent myself, she took it, screwed with my mind, and killed it.

I feel like shit, and I felt like shit last night. Wrote Stefany an email saying I felt bad and I hope she has a good time today, but I think I'm going to stay in bed and I'm sorry if I'm not online. Like I have the willpower to stay away from her. I just wish she paid more attention to me. She fell asleep last night and it's not like she promised to say something to me before she went to bed, but I still wanted/expected her to. I feel so empty and she is the only person that can fill me up, but I don't get enough of her that I'm always left feeling empty and wanting more. I don't know what's better, to be completely alone, or to have someone and not have enough of them.

I'm so happy. Last night I was talking to Stefany. And kind out of nowhere she said I hope I don't try to rape you. I was a little shocked, but I liked it, and I told her it'd be okay. And she said really? And I said I gave myself to you, I'm your property. And that made her really happy. Then we talked more about our feelings, about how I love her (she doesn't respond in kind, but I understand, as long as I'm allowed to feel what I feel - and it seems to be okay with her), and how she wants me and how I want her and have wanted her, but I've just been scared to say anything about it. So everything is really good to get all those feelings out in the open and not have to hold things back, like I was for a while.
Stefany is just so good and kind and caring and forgiving about everything. I don't know how I stumbled upon a person so good, who just happened to like me too. I don't know how things like this happen to me. I don't deserve it. But I want her and love her.
I miss her.

I was outside at night a few minutes ago getting the ladder, because the screw knob thing on the skylight came off and I wanted to see if it was broken or not, and if I could fix it. It's broken. We're going to try to glue it back together though and see if that works.
Anyway, so when I was outside I saw this big thing that looked like a really fat cat or raccoon on the ground eating something. Turned out to be a raccoon (I'm pretty sure, I wanted to get a look at its face to make sure, but never got to see it). It scampered up a tree that was a few feet away from it. So I got the ladder that I was out there to get and I climbed up in the tree barefoot and in my pajamas and tried to make it look at me so I could see its face, but it just kept climbing higher. So I tried shaking the tree a little and it fell out! I felt so bad. I tried to get to the ground as fast as I could in case it was hurt so I could see which direction it went so I could get it and fix whatever was wrong (if it had broken a leg or something - take it to the vet., etc.), but by the time I got to the ground it was out of site. I guess it was okay if it ran away that fast. I'm pretty sure it was a raccoon, it was pretty big. I just wanted to see it's face to make sure. I feel so stupid and bad. I hope I didn't hurt it. :(

Susan brought over her friend that looks so different than what she looked like in HS. Becky looks pretty damn hot, she sure grew up a lot. She looks so different it's weird. Anyway just sold them some more drugs and copies some CDs for them and Becky gave me a hug and said thank you for the drugs. Which wasn't really necessary because they paid for them, but whatever. I was pretty uncomfortable during the whole time, cause I wasn't expecting anyone except my sister. So during the time they were here I just dialed Stefany's house hoping someone was home so I could talk and pretend not to be worried. Oh well, got ahold of Aimee's mom, that was it. They wanted me to hang out with them, but I said no. Guess that's all. Exciting news for me, boring for everyone else. Not a very big deal.

I feel a lot better today. I got to talk to Stefany last night for a while and on the phone for some too. She said the email I sent was okay and that made me feel confortable, because I didn't know if I was crossing the line, but I guess I didn't. I like her. I want her. I'm just always so scared and confused as to how far of a friend she wants me to be. I don't know what to do when I have a feeling that I think crosses the line (something I haven't said before that is further than other things I've wanted to do). I just keep it inside now. I wish I didn't have to, but it's safer for me this way I guess. And I don't want to ruin our friendship. There is plenty to figure out and discover online, I just wish it was all figured out online so I knew what my place was there and what was expected and _wanted_ from me.

Did I scare Stefany away? I know I'm being paranoid, because I didn't talk to her yesterday and haven't talked to her today either. I hope I get to talk to her today. I need to figure out my place in my own life and her life and I am still really worried about her hospital visit and how that is going and her father too. I'm worried a lot about her. I'm almost scared of the email that I sent her, that she told me to send, the one I was writing when I called her on the phone. The email with a lot of emotional things and stuff like how I wanted to be all tangled up and close to her. I don't know how that will be received. I want to know how it was received. It will give me a better idea of what is wanted from me, or what isn't wanted from me. I know she considers me to be a great friend, but does she consider me to be anything else? I know we hug online a lot and even kiss now, but I don't know how much is play and how much is real. I know the hugging is real, because she has said she would like it in real life. So at least I know that part, but that just reassures the friendship and casts doubt on things past it, making it all foggy and unclear. Maybe she just wants a good friend, that can be physical at the right moments and hug her and comfort her and the rest of the time be a great person to hang out. Maybe she doesn't want anything else from me, nothing further physical, nothing further emotionally. I don't really want anything physically, in the traditional sense, of sex and things related to that. I want an emotional relationship, lots of touching, hugging, kissing - all with feelings behind it.

I feel pretty tired out today. Worked a ton yesterday and worked more today, and my legs are dead achy and so is most of my upper body. I'm supposed to lift weights and work out, but I think I'll skip a day and just recover. My legs really are killing me, I shouldn't have ridden 20 minutes on the bicycle machine yesterday, but I didn't think it would hurt this much, and all the roofing work on top of it, all that carrying just pushed it over the edge. I took 4 ibuprofen to take the edge off, but it won't do much else.

I feel lonely. I haven't even talked to Aimee today. I usually talk to her a few times a day, as she sends me a lot of messages on Yahoo telling me to wake up or whatever, but maybe she isn't home today or something. I haven't talked to anyone today. Lonely me. I feel like tearing up and crying, but I don't want to right now. I don't want someone to walk up and see me crying. It's weird how I only like to cry when I'm alone and no one can notice. Like in the shower or something. I don't like people hearing me crying. Except I cry on the phone a ton when I talk(ed) to Nicole, which was pretty weird. But that part of my life is over. Anyway...

I guess I'm going to go and hope someone will talk to me,
I miss people and Stefany and hope she still likes me.
Allen

What else new can I say? I miss Stefany. That isn't new. That's just how I feel. I want her, I want to talk to her, I want to hold her. But I've expressed those things already. I wish she was home from the concert she went to. I can't believe I spent 20-30 minutes on the phone with Aimee, she is actually good conversation for her age (13), and acts like 16 at least on the phone, but her real age shows up as 13 online. I wish she didn't lie about everything so much, I don't know why she feels like she has to lie about stuff, especially the age of everyone she knows. Oh well. She was really worried about Stefany going to the hospital. So was I. I was worried more. But I was concerned for Aimee, because she hadn't slept for 2 nights. So I talked to her for a while and hopefully got her calmed down some so she could get some sleep. I think she fell asleep after I said goodbye to her. Which is good.
I wish I could talk to Stefany for 30 minutes. The whole night actually. I really want to. Maybe if she comes home tonight when I'm awake I'll be able to talk to her more. I don't know. I'll ask if I can talk to her. Because I want to so much. Hearing her voice makes the world so much better and being able to tell her on the phone how I feel makes things better. Stefany... I miss you. I can't say it enough. I hope the note I made Aimee make for you brings a smile to your face. I've been so worried about you. I still am worried. I want to comfort you. I want you to need me. I need you.

Where to start? I got to talk to Stefany a while finally. Something is going on really bad with her father, and he thinks she's dead. It is not good at all. I tried my best to comfort her, but I feel so futile. I want to help her in real life, but even then, I have no idea what I would have done. I talked to her on the phone too. I actually called without her asking me, because I was tired of waiting for her to come back online and I really really wanted to talk to her and I think she really liked it a lot that I called. I tried several other times that night to call her, but I couldn't get ahold of her. That was pretty depressing. She asked me to email her the letter that I wasn't meaning to email her. I don't know what her response will be. Hopefully something good. It umm.. has a lot of emotional things about how I feel and what I wish I could do together with her, and I don't know how she will react. I know for sure that we like each other, but I don't know if she will react will to that email, if it will make her happy or make her scared or relucant to talk to me, because I might be in way deeper than her. That's why I'm trying to be so careful with my emotions. I don't want to be in any deeper than the other person, so I don't get hurt. I promised I'd give myself to Stefany and she said she would take good care of me. It makes me feel really good. I really do want to give myself completely in every way possible to her.

Jen emailed me wanting me to talk to her on AIM, but I don't have AIM anymore. So I called her. I guess whatever she wanted to talk about was figured out or she decided not to talk about it anymore. She didn't seem angry at me, like I thought she would sound, she is god fucking angry in every email she writes to me. She seemed. Maybe a little on the sad side, surprised that I called I think, and maybe a little lonely and actually somewhat sympathetic towards me, but I don't know if I'm imagine the sympathy part because I want to. I wished her a good summer and hoped that everything was okay with her and than said goodnight. I didn't really have anything else to say to her and that was the politest thing I could say and I did mean it, I do hope everything is okay and she has a good summer, even if our relationship was hell and we treated each other like shit, and she had the police take me out of the house. I still somehow can wish she is doing okay. I don't know what my problem is. I should be angry and pissed off right still?

It's hard for me to stay angry, but when I'm angry, watch out. I'll hurt you ten times more than you hurt me. I hate that about me. I don't want that part of myself, and I want it to go away. Especially now. I don't want ot hurt Stefany and she trusts me such a great deal that I'm very, very scared. I told her not to trust me so much, but she refuses, because she says I couldn't hurt her. I'm scared. I don't want to hurt her, she is so good. She means everything to me. It's scary to say that. I haven't even met her, but she does. Stuff is going really fast emotionally and I'm trying to deal with it and not reveal too much of my emotions, in case she doesn't feel the same way. I think she does, but I don't want to get hurt and I don't want her to lose me as a friend, just because I like her a lot and she doesn't like me as much.

My sister got pretty fucked up last night last night. I guess she passed out in front of her building. And then passed out inside. And then passed out in the living room. And finally woke up later and found out she left her keys in the door. She took 4 lexotan out of the 15 I sold her, the rest her friends had took at the concert. I told her not to take them and drink, oh well. She bought 25 more off me for $20. So I'm making a small profit selling drugs to her, but I think I'll hook her up with a couple hundred or two-hundred so she doesn't have to buy from me often. It'd be cheaper for her if she bought in bulk instead of for each party.

I really miss Stefany a lot. I wonder if she misses me the same way. Probably not. That's why I'm scared of revealing feelings to her. I don't think she misses me as much. I'm sure she misses me. She said she would think of me last night and told me to think of her. That really meant a lot and surprised me. It was really kind and nice of her to say, and special. It's so sucky that we can only talk online or the phone and she has a lot of friends so consequently she does a lot of stuff. I'm not mad at all, not even jealous, just wish I was there so I could hang out with her too. I want her to have as much fun as she can. I'll be there soon. I hope.

Father's day today. Grandmother came over that I haven't seen in 3 years. She isn't looking good, well not like what I remember. She's definately beginning to show her age and doesn't have that energy she used to have. She is 80something though, so what can you expect. I said hi, and all the bullshit stuff. Didn't really hang around much. Said happy father's day to my Dad who said thanks, and that's pretty much it. Little sister is supposed to come over today and give me some _more_ CDs to burn, she's supposed to bring Brite Eyes so I hope she remembers. I think she got pretty fucked up last night on the stuff I gave her, she's 3.5 hours late so far. I told her not to drink much while on that stuff.

Stefany is out now I guess, father's day maybe? I hope I see her last night. Her roommates were angry at her last night before I was going to visit, I'm not sure exactly what the reason is that they were mad, but I feel really awful that they were angry at her. I feel bad for her, I want to comfort her and stuff, but she doesn't need it probably, but I still want to.

I miss Stefany more and more and it's only a few hours between talking to her. She says she'll brb, but ends up being gone for a while. I know it's not her fault, so I don't blame her. I just think I'm feeling too much and I need to make it stop. I guess I'm sad because of previous things, the email I wrote to other people and I need someone right now to clutch on to. I'm a mess. I don't know why anyone would want to deal with me emotionally. I'm to big of a pile of feelings that can't be sorted out. Half of them are sad, depressed feelings. I'm not a fun person, but somehow I keep convincing people that I'm an okay person. I just hope they are right.

I don't want to disappoint anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone, especially her. I don't want to do anything bad. Please let me be good. Please let this time be different. Please, please, please. I'm begging everything I believe in.

I can't take another friendship or relationship or anything on any kind of serious level, I think this is the last thing I can take. I need it to turn out okay, I need a friend. I need a friend more than anything.

The beginning or the end? I said goodbye to all my "friends" in MA. It was only a letter to my ex-gf and the only last remaining person that talked to me, but didn't consider me to be a friend. I don't want a past like that. I don't want people like that. I don't want strings untied like that. So I cut them. I said goodbye. Don't give sympathy to those that you don't care about. It's insulting.

I'm crying.
I want someone that cares that I care.

I should have my information up somewhere for people to contact me if they ever want to. Not that anyone ever contacted me from my old blogs. But I will be changing my email soon to match the title of my blog, and I already have an AIM as Lent Somnolence. I guess I should get a yahoo that is that too.

Well. It's started, a new online journal. That always means a break in my life, a change from whatever has been happening. I've moved here back to CO, living with my parents again, and will be going back to college in the Fall to get a crappy associates degree. Hopefully I'll finish that stupid 2 year degree and then maybe move somewhere. Don't tell anyone, but TN is looking pretty good. Lightning flash outside, with no noise. Is that a sign? I don't know of what, but it sure scared me. We get a lot of dry lightning here. Something that almost never happened in MA. Sound now. A good 5-6 miles away? I have 2 online friends now, 3 if you count Nicole from MA, but I'm beginning to think that Nicole hates me. Stefany is plain awesome, and I'll probably get embarassed if I let her read my journal, since she'll probably be mentioned a lot. Beth lives in Ft. Collins and that is about an hour away, right now we're trying to figure out something to do together. She doesn't have a car and is alone during the weekdays, while her bf is out of state. She seems pretty normal, except that she has a lot of crafts, and seems to be a very nice person, and is into animals and celtic and medieval lore & history. So that is pretty cool. I'm going to go now. I guess this is a good first entry. I'm waiting for Stefany to get back from the graveyard. She's only been gone almost 2 hours now, but I do miss her. I gave her a "hugz" before she left and she gave me a "xoxoxo". The whole thing probably seems pretty stupid to everyone, but I don't know it felt like it had some significance to me. I haven't given anyone a hug in a long time, even virtually. So it felt good, and that it was reciprocated even (in jest?) was better still. I don't know how to feel towards her other than she is a really great person and a great friend, I'm pretty confused. Hopefully it'll get worked out better as we talk and I can figure out if I'm a friend or if she likes me any or whatever. I'm trying to not let my emotions get out of control and so far I've done okay... Sort of.