Shy eyes.

Again, she's over there. Self-induced misery, for whatever reason. I'm not a part of that life, and have been gone for months. Why make a phone call out of no where just to say hi, and catch up on things? How awkward of me and how, well, it was good intentioned, but what was the point? When someone doesn't want your help, advice, good-will or whatever, then all I've turned into is their tired record, add a little static and a feeling of inadequacy for not being able to please and help those from the lost past.

In both instances I was with someone in the past who liked the princess metaphor, especially ice princess, and all those conocotations, good and bad, especially that emotionally bad ones where feeling is distant if at all there, or misunderstood and leading to problems. With K. I have this all again, and am I stupid to indulge in it, and say I like it, so say I like calling her that and that I like her on a pretty pedestal, no matter how much she says she isn't that. I guess I answered my own question when the person says no. I'm giving myself false expectations or hope, or who knows what. I don't expect anything. I am expecting nothing. Half the time I'm trying to figure out how to say goodbye to her, but I don't get enough time with her to properly get into a discussion like that, and the other half of the time I'm trying to discuss plans for a possible summer and what might happen. Split. And what a horrible thing for me to be splitting over, I can't find the gray, and I can't find the appropiate middle ground.

I think I'm just lonely.

That's the saddest part of all, especially for those that know me, and can fall into a trap of liking me. I cry too when other people cry, I don't mean to ever make the hurt happen. The hurt just comes with me, delayed, hitching a ride and then taking it's toll on you. Your heart and emotions and all you can give until it's definatively over. But things are never over and I can always start over and that is the worst thing in the world. I don't want to push the restart button with someone, because second times are worse for me. Always. There isn't a point to this post, I just want to feel a little emotionally numb, and please won't it bleed out? No, I can't do that, but I can imagine. Sigh. Which is almost as bad.

Hug.