Fuck Up.

i cut my hair last night. i was waiting for you to come back from away, but i think you had fallen asleep. the last 3 times i cut my hair i tried to kill myself and ended up in the hospital. i don't really want to do that now, if i was going to do any hospital antics it would of been last night and i didn't have enough pills of the right kind to do anything to me except make me not sleep and be manic and more depressed. it's getting close to morning, another couple hours and it will be a grey, overcast, cold, bitter day. i sat outside for an hour, light from the porch, dressed in my very little sleeping clothes and let the freezing rain hurt me and numb me. i wanted snow. it's supposed to snow today. i think it snowed yesterday, but i didn't look outside. those small things that i miss that might make me happy i miss. like waking up to snow, so instead i sit in freezing rain and wonder why i'm still around, because i used to have this plan. it was a plan to stay alive and find some way to stay managably happy, find some reason or some person that i could pour myself into so that i could see some sort of accomplishment in something. someone or something. not in me, because what does improving me do when i don't care for myself. it doesn't give me a sense of satisfaction or completion, it just leaves me feeling kind of odd and wondering what happened to those feelings that i'm missing and why i ended up with extra of these feelings. now i'm crying and it's good. the tears that happen without you noticing them, that sensation and that realization that your cheeks are damp and your nose is snotty and your just a child again and you are still a child, because you're crying and you don't know why and you want and you want, but you never get that indetermible desire. just crave and feel empty. so i'll cry like a child, until my eyes burn red and my throat is hoarse from begging the silence to answer me and tell me why, just fucking why. just why am i like this and just why am i alive and just why can't i make an effort to hurt myself, because i'm feeling spoiled and rotten and i deserve some hurting. there's no daddy out there to give it to me on a daily basis, so it's up to me to give myself what i deserve. and maybe afterwards i'll curl up in bed, sore and raw and bleeding, but content, because i'm one fucked up person. but at least that fucked up person is sleeping and not killing themselves. this night.