Eighty-six.

I feel jilted, stilted, unserved and undeserved, mark me down as an 86. I don't feel that welcome anymore. I don't feel very "at home" online. It seems like everyone is doing their own thing, going to all tomorrow's parties, and I'm the one oblivious to the word, world, whatever. Everyone can keep on doing what they want and I'll just tiptoe, no forget that. I'll stomp like a child to the sidelines and wait with patient hope and watch with tears as life slowly melts. It's always winter and never spring, and one little candle can't change everything. Especially when they fade, fade away, and I'm left in the dark, yet again.

It's dark and lonely. Again.

One of those nights.

That you wish someone was around to talk to. Why does the world have to disappear at midnight? It feels like everything is dead, and I'm only a few pills and a swallow away from that. It was a normal night, until I got an email, I didn't really expect her to have that response, well maybe I did -- I have past history to rely on, but someone needs to get a grip, and for once it isn't me. Someone people can't take a joke, or maybe I was just giving them the joke they were looking for, so they could turn me into an answer. Either way, put another mark next to that name and put them underneath all the other names that come and go.

It's just one those nights. And when I wish I could talk about this to someone, I can't find anyone around to talk to. Not blaming anyone, everything I say is pretty boring. It's time to play frantic until I'm a bit manic, and then I can push whatever thoughts are in my head to the side and keep on doing the boring bits until sleep decides to wave in my direction. I hope she waves soon. Isolation in these feelings is feeling a bit rough in repitions.

Can't sleep.

Bleary-eyed post for anyone looking.

Session 165 was found Aug. 29 on the Summer Glau fanpage, for anyone that is following the session excerpts. Watch them in released order, not numbered order! This one is making me cry, but I'm pretty prone to crying when I can't sleep and when I'm lonely and depressed. I love all this pre-release viral marketing, whether or not 'viral marketing' sounds stupid.

I watched the movie Crash today. It was good, but not the kind of film that was good for me right at this moment. It is a very racially-charged and tense two hours, and some not so good things happen as people cross each others' path in LA.

Right now, well I think I decided I'm going to rewatch 2046, the melodromatic, moody, psychedelic thing, movie, whatever, out of China. The subtitles are great. Some words like the sexual descriptions are culturely off (to non-native viewers) slightly to put another spin on a serious and complex movie.

Argh, that movie makes me want to smoke, don't watch it if you have ever smoked. The attention to detail (such as smoking) is so sharp, that it feels psychedelic to me.

Well. Yeah. I'm off to do that now.

Soured.

I wanted to write a detailed review of The Island, but right now I'm typing on my backup keyboard. I spilt water on the other keyboard and it's out of comission, every few times I hit the shift key when I was using it my computer would go into sleep mode, which was really annoying when I'm trying to talk to people online. So I'm typing slowly on trusty waterproof, roll-up and bring with you keyboard that's all squishy and impervious to any dastardly liquids, hot or cold, but it makes me type slower.

The Island is a fair movie. I had no concept of what the movie would be, not even seeing trailers, as I don't watch the telly. At first it appeared to be a grim 1984 Orwellian mix with a sly spin on people themselves as "products". Instead of an action movie, I wish they had stuck to the beginning 10-20 minutes of the movie and kept that feeling for the entire movie. It would of kept the eerie & creepy factor at high. Oh well. Perhaps a 7 for the idea, but a 6 for the execution and production.

Anyway time to go back to bed. So sour.
Allen bravo foxtrot (26)

Crazy and Missing.

So, I have this crazy plan that I am going to make happen somehow. I want to fly to NH to visit N. and hang out and "sleep with in a good way" (teehee), and then somehow, get down to Philly, as my patron who is going to be funding me with money wants to really, really visit me, and I think I should visit her for a bit and just give her a hug and say thank you for, well, forcing money on me I guess. Even if I still feel inside that this is a massive guilty thing, but I've consulted the stars, friends, non-friends, and the magic 8-ball and concluded that if someone wants to give away money, then they can. I have been in similar positions where I am the one donating to people/things and what not, and I have been somewhat manic in the portions that I donate. I'm the kind of person that tosses a $20 (or even a $100) in the street artist's open guitar case, while my companions beat the crap out of me for being "stupid". Or for unrolling my car window, whenever I see people with "will work for food" signs or what not, the homeless people in Denver and hand them a fiver or a twenty or whatever I can pull out of my wallet fast enough, so the people behind me don't honk their horn (which is my main concern when I'm driving in Denver, I'm already skittish enough), and if I don't have cash on hand, then giving them a few cigarettes or whatever. Anything. I was born with something, they might of been born with something or nothing, but right now, it doesn't matter, because they have very little, and the idea of somehow relieving that situation for a brief day or more, is heartening. I don't care if they go out and fulfill their vices with what I give, we all have our problems and things to forget, and they more than other people, probably have quite a few things they would like to drown in a sea of alcohol and pills. Whatever makes them happy, and if they smile while they do it, then I feel like I've made a small difference in this diffident fucking world, where everyone fucks you over, for no reason at all, other than they can. So, fuck the world, and fuck being fucked over, and whatever. I've lost my fever and I forgot what I wanted to say.

I wanted to say I miss N., and she's not home and I'm too scared to try to call her cell phone to make sure she's okay. She is okay, but my mind does circles to convince me otherwise, and for right now, I need to let someone do whatever they need to do and I'll wait until I get another chance to talk to them again. I feel like I'm pushing my face into everyone's problems, and I don't like that feeling. I don't like feeling unwanted. Perhaps it's paranoia, and perhaps it's lack of my medication (I am out of 3 of them today...), but this is what I'll do for now. Subject to review, every 5 minutes, as my anxiety-ridden mind goes into replay mode.

Replay, rewind, and review. I hope the scores don't come back negative tonight.