Schoedinger's Girl

i'm writing because i have some important things to say to you that i want to make explicitly clear. i am finished with our friendship; i'm sorry, but it comes in exchange for those things in my life which i value far above any others--my husband and my children. i love them allen, and our friendship is hurting them in so many ways and on so many levels. i have hurt the only person that has ever given a damn and cared for me so deeply that i can't stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore--that is how ashamed i am of myself for my behavior with and towards you. i'm also sorry to you for all of my lies and deceit--you were undeserving of it. people are not games to be played; lives are not to be orchestrated. i would explain more fully, but really, it's futile--i think this does suffice. you will feel betrayed, i will be your villain, but i am not concerned with that. i am concerned that my husband and my children are ultimately the ones who will suffer in all of this. you see, i can't and won't choose a complete stranger over the love i feel for them any longer--not even to fill lapses and voids in times in friendly conversation, or in bigger, grand gestures of false hopes of grand plans of travel and adventure that never would have occured because i would have never allowed it to go that far. that is why i never gave you a phone number, or pictures, or any of things you wanted. you filled up space. thank you and i'm sorry. what a bitch. the ultimate irony is that i will be all alone now--i've done the unforgiveable and i've been discovered but i must confess to you as well to make things straight. i want no part in any of this anymore. i wish you no ill will and hope you can find it in yourself, not to forgive, but just to let go and forget. do not contact me. please do not try and find me. i do not want to be found. i may be unforgiven by my one true love, but i will never betray his trust with you again even if it is futile and he never gives me the chance to show him that i can change and be loyal to him.