It's been a while.

It is now 4AM. I've woken up more times than I can count. Conversely I've also gone to sleep more times than I can count in these 2-3? days. It's like I'm sick. How is it? It's like I've caught a cold that's about, yeah, 3 years old. *cry*

I can now listen to movies I think without waking my Aunt up. Last night I think she had a bad night. I never really know. She's good at hiding her emotions. But she always has her glass of red wine every night, and this night she was on the phone for several hours, and her prescription bottle of what I assume is her Xanax was out on the table.

I have a horrible secret that some people know about, and some people don't know about, and some people think they know about. I'm not very good about it. I don't even know why I'm mentioning it with circles instead of lines. Well I haven't been very good with that secret lately and I think that's why I feel so sick.

I must be doing a little better now. Even though, night or day, I don't know if I should be awake or sleeping and if I am awake I'm not really sure what I should be doing. This tiny motivation to blog is a good thing though. I had lost that for about a week it seems.

I had met a new online friend, but things do not seem to be working out well in the land of friendship. That makes me want to cry. What's the deficit in me? That's what I always ask, but I always forget, it's not what is lacking - it's what wasn't there in the first place. Is there a word for that?

There are two new Bright Eyes singles that I should go listen to. I need to get around to that. I wonder if I can find the new albums online before they can. I bet I can. It's been so long since the wonder days of Napster. You know what makes me smile? Seeing someone younger than me wearing a Napster hoodie. I don't even care that he wasn't old enough to be around to use it, it's the fact that he's wearing this iconic representation - something that you learn about in college by not going to classes and mingling with the types of people that you won't ever probably meet or hang out with outside of college. What tangent am I going off on? Someone just IM'd me, someone new. Here's to this lack of thought.

I think I'm going to go make midnight, well 4AM, soup. Take lots of vitamin C and hope I am awake for longer than 1-2 hours without feeling like I want to die.

Please don't die.