So tired.

Feels like things won't ever change, will always be stuck in this, will always be moving in slow-motion and all the things I mean to do will come too late to matter.

Haven't talked about meds in a while, because I stopped caring a whole lot and they just keep on failing. Don't know what the last thing about what I was on was. Was taken off the lithium for about 2 months, couldn't handle it, so effexor was increased, and finally they added lithium back along with lamictal. I'm at 50mg of lamictal finally, in another 3 weeks I'll be at 100mg. Takes so long... More waiting for something that might be nothing. I've been missing my testosterone shots, been too depressed to go to the doctor, when I really need to go and stay on schedule with the shots. It's a chore and the will seems to of left me. For a while, the amphetamine was really helping. Now I think I'm addicted. My dose has been increased to the max and I can't stay awake without it, and even on it I feel so slow, not the energetic, motivated, happy feeling that I got. I have to take 2 or 3 times as much to get that feeling now.

Sinking lower, ever since it started to get darker. Been thinking dark thoughts ever since and finding a reason to wake up just gets harder as the days go by.

Wanting an escape and somewhere with sunshine to go, but none of those places are home.