Inside me, I carry for you

Cry me a tear for those empty moments, these long hours during the night when the words seperation and distance take on another meaning. The more you reach out, the more you feel swallowed by the voices and static around you. The more you try, the harder you close your eyes and try to stop the welling of feeling that's growing inside you. That bitter and pungent plant, rooty tendrils entwined around your heart and lungs squeezing as you gasp. Breath in, breath out. It hurts, and no medicine fixes it, this emotional attack, mimicry of asthma. You're closed inside, and it squeezes harder, your heart hurting, your lungs shallow, and you feel a disgusting itch inside you, crawling up your back, deep inside, where you can't reach, where only she could of reached. But she left long ago, and doesn't care to touch you there anymore, with words or hands, or a glance of her eye. The itch grows up your spine, incessent, burning, prickly, like the caress of those dirty whores that never satisfy, just tease and leave me feeling worse inside, the itch still there, poisonous and caustic. It's like swallowing the most sweet lie, covered in sickening tastes to hide the disgusting ugly secrets inside, covered with white hair to tickle your mouth and throat, to make you gag as it goes down, to make your throat convulse as those small white hairs, bristles really, gouge a path down as your esophagus works in pain. That lie, inside your stomach, is nothing but a burr, rolling around as nervous thoughts fill your mind and day, your entire life you can feel what she gave you, right there. Yes, it's right there, and I can feel it now as my stomach roils, uncalm sea, and uncalm mind, restless heart beating a jittery rhythym as I try to cross this sea of life. People ask how can one live a lie? I never did know, until I carried one inside me, that precious lie, last gift of the departed, last kiss of the one with eyes who could melt my soul. It's my baby, and my silly pretentious thoughts that think of it as a child in my womb, if only I had one. I imagine that bitter weed growing inside me is what she left me, the beauty that we created, the beauty we had, that wasn't ever really there, that turned into a mockery of what we wished for each other. I suppose it's right that I carry this inside me, for all that I have done to her. The hurt we gave each other was shared in full and relished in full. We never felt hurt until the one we loved entirely showed us what it meant. It's another memory I'll carry, a keepsake, I clutch to my side that aches whenever I try to stand and walk and pretend. Enough of what we shared and what weeds we planted in each other's gardens, I certainly sowed enough prickly things inside her furrows. What she laid in me, years in wait, has been growing, and I feel that one day, a day soon, that it might just burst, bloody red and glistening, gory as a bloodied head, rictus smile of ivory sepals and violet-red petals flowing forth, wet sap, crimsom running down my skin as my last breaths gave birth to what we had made, and my eyes closed and my lips smiled as I felt myself fade away, nothing but dirt for this poison that two people wrought together. Such beauty love can bring and such perfection, but sadly, I always fail to live up to such dreams, but I hope this grisly and grim flower I carry for you love is pleasing, for we made it together and you've been in my thoughts always as I let it eat away at me and pined for you, smile your vanilla smile for me and cry those tears that are so bright when you see me -- for those are the things that made me love you so, so give me that lasting memory when we share this gift together.

Guess what?

I heart huckabees too!

An experience with Napolean Dynamite.

So, today I went to get one of my dermabrasions. The person who does them, Debbie, was really amused by my shirt and it reminded her of the movie (keep in mind she's 40 something if I had to guess), and kept complaining about her son who is my age always acts like that and does it all the time on the phone. lol. This is going on while she's happily sucking my face away and grinding it down and gleefully picking at my face, explaining how it's so great that she can do this so she doesn't have the urge to pick at her own face. lol. My technician is great. She also seems to think that this was the 5th time and not the 6th. Maybe she is right or maybe I was wrong, either way, I have another one in 2 weeks because of this. I was ready to pay for 6 more ($540), but I'll do that next time. We moved up to the extra course wand and used a pressure of 12, the highest I've gone so far and it really didn't hurt much if anything. Just a weird sensation. I want to get up to 30 pressure, since that's how far the machine goes. I want more removal of my ugly face. She commented on my hair when she touched it by accident and was like wow it's so soft and then touched it again and couldn't believe how soft it was. She's fun and crazy and makes the whole procedure a lot less scary with her talking about her kids and all of that, and making weird remarks like that once in a while.

This is my second day on adderall XR, 10mg to start with and in 5 more days it will increase to 20mg. I will see the psychiatrist in about 3 weeks to evaluate how it's working or not working and we'll go from there. I'm really wary and scared of going the MAOI route and being on Parnate, I don't think I can handle the dietary changes really well. It'll be really tough. And then there is the issue of being off my medications for an entire 2 weeks before we are able to start Parnate and I don't know what that would do to my mood. Well there are a few things to explore before being on Parnate and she wasn't adverse to me trying stimulants before, and she thinks we might increase my lithium, or possibly mess around with my thyroid some more. It all has a sense of uncertainity to it. She's had experience with patients on Parnate, but not people like me who prefer odd polypharmy and I still have ideas there to combine with my Effexor -- Wellbutrin and Remeron primarily. I'll have to bring that up next time. I'm still on Seroquel too. I do admit that it makes me sleep longer, but it also kind of makes me tired when I wake up. It takes a few hours for it to wear off. Well, until the next time I see her. I'll enjoy my ability to read somewhat. I read a magazine today! Heh. Not that exciting of an accomplishment, but I was able to concentrate and not lose interest, that is good.

Another Trial.

Things at the psychiatrist went well. She wanted to put me on Parnate, but was pretty iffy about the idea, due to the problems that it would cause. Having to come off Effexor XR completely and be off of it for two weeks before I could start taking Parnate. Parnate is also a 3 times a day pill, and I'm bad at remembering the middle dose and that's kind of important with this medication. We opted to fully explore the stimulants and see if that would help improve the depression. It's mostly a shot in the dark. The studies of it as an augmentive agent for depression are spotty, and not sure. It could work or it might not work. So we are giving this a shot, I'll be up to 20mg of Adderall by the next time I see her. I hope I notice a difference with my mood, or at least with my daytime sleepiness problems. From there, who knows. There was talk of possibly increasing my lithium *sigh*, but it's an option and I know there are plenty of studies behind it. It does work, so maybe more of it will be a help. I just hate losing my brain to it and feeling stupid. Other ideas than that, well who knows. I might mention bringing up wellbutrin as an addition, but she seems really adverse to the idea of that, due to my past history. I might also mention trying to add lamictal, another shot in the dark too, as there aren't enough studies about it for unipolar depression, but the things ou do see are favorable.

Sigh. I just want to be a boy, and do the boy things that I do. More waiting, more patience, and more anticipation and hoping that this run of things isn't another let down. I've been having too many let downs lately, with people going away, or people changing, or myself changing and driving them apart. Lets just have something good for once, okay?

Fuck Walmart.

So I get back from the psychiatrist and go to drop off the new prescriptions and they don't believe me that they are real ones! They called the doctor, who will hopefully call by tomorrow and tell them what fucking idiots they are. They look like any other prescriptions that I've gotten all the time. I think they are just perturbed that someone as fucked up as me needs so many pills, or maybe it's the addition of adderall that they thought was suspicious, or an increase of my ambien that I've been on for several months. Maybe they just don't like me. Maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe I'm delusional. Maybe I'm upset. Maybe I'm sad. Maybe I'm crying like I am now, because all I wanted was to get my klonopin filled, I don't care about anything else, just give me my klonopin so my anxiety can go away. Even my psychiatrist told me that I seem really nervous today and I have been just like she described lately. It's awful. It's awful that I have to wait even longer now to get these pills.
Even after I get them, there's the fear of doing the adderall trials, and figuring out what dose is effective for me or if it's a dead end. If it's a dead end they are going to increase the lithium if my blood levels allow it, and take me Effexor and be off my antidepressant for two weeks for it to clean out, before I go on Parnate which has a million restrictions with drugs and quite a lot of food I can't ever eat again. Or we could do california rocket fuel and watch me get fat, fat, fat, but happy.

Sigh.
I want my pills.
And I want a hug.

Now.
Cry.