thoughts i gave away, written before i lose them. again.

"I'm alive. it's a plus. to all the negatives. i abuse drugs, because it's just another way of abusing myself. i don't have anyone who cares for me or loves me that would abuse me, so I'd stay physically healthy. i don't feel right, if things are alright. it's a co dependent's way of living without a dependent, heh. i know what I'm doing everyday even if i don't acknowledge it. i get people to desperately need me, and then i usually leave with no reason, feel awful, abuse drugs, and find someone else, i seem pretty good at that. what I'm not good at is when someone does that to me. it still bugs me."

"stuck holding my breath unable to say what i need, stuck attempting half-accomplished tasks that i cannot finish, stuck with emotional hurt but no tears, stuck longing for friendship when no one would share warmth, stuck being incomplete when i can't resolve this past, stuck on me because I'm stuck on you"

Yay! We can Pee!

[07:57] Lent Somnolence: introducing Flomax, the worlds first drug targeted to increase urinary output! feel confident again when in a public stall, don't feel unnecessary social pressure just because you used to dribble and would avoid public bathrooms. With Flomax once daily, you can urinate just like you did 30 years ago

[07:58] Lent Somnolence: Remember the good times when you and the boys out back made yellow snow? Do you miss those times? Well, good news is here! Introducing Flomax, the yellow snow maker!

[07:59] Lent Somnolence: Don't live in fear of urinating in public anymore and facing public humiliation when they see you dribble, be bold, be brave, and urinate, like the man you are.

[08:02] Lent Somnolence: Has your lady relation complained about unpleasant taste during oral sex? Or excessive ejaculation? Well, here's Flomax, the solution to both of your problems! Enjoy comfortable blow jobs, with less ejaculatory output, and please your spouse at the same time!

[08:09] Lent Somnolence: as everyone knows, the output of ejaculatory fluid is a time-honored tradition passed on from priest to choirboy, and in sweaty locker rooms after a wrestling game, is a long-standing and well understood method of determining alpha male status.

[08:06] Lent Somnolence: this drug seeks to undermine the male authority and dominance structure that has existed for centuries, that god himself put in place for Christians, it is an abomination for a drug company to think that they can interfere with the natural processes that god so bestowed on us. let us say no, let us demand, and let us pray that this drug called Flomax will be exposed as the heresy it truly is

More of the same

[20:24] Lent Somnolence: you mean it's like that feeling where you aren't sure if you are having a heart attack or if you're having a nervous breakdown, or if the white noise in your ears and the slow motion in your eyes and the feeling in your heart means you're still heartbroken

No longer fine

no words inside my head. so here are borrowed ones. goodbye, farewell, drama and all, toss in a few blahs and half-assed tries, nights of crying, mornings of anxious waiting, obsessive dreams. people make me feel alive when i'm around them, right now i'm not alive.

It's about time that I came clean with you...no longer fine. I'm no longer running smooth. I thought I found myself onto something new, just one more line I repeat over and over again 'til I'm blue in the face with choking regret.
It's about time you got sick of me, no longer fun and so far from interesting. I thought that I found me a cure for feeling old, just one more line to keep me sleeping loudly and cold in disgrace with a shameful regret.
Can't say I blamed you one bit when you kept it all inside when you left that night. Somehow we lost our heads for the last time and all that followed fell like mercury to hell.

Some movies I've seen this month

Babel - Pretty good film with converging stories and a multicultural cast for a change. I didn't know what the film was about so it was a nice surprise to watch it all unfold.

Candy - Another heroin love drama rehash. It doesn't really add much to the stories other movies about the topic have other than having a less tragic ending than most. It follows two Aussie bohemians. One, a hopeless guy and the other an innocent (at first) aspiring artist falling madly in love and what follows as their addiction worsens and worsens. I liked the movie quite a bit, regardless, if the same kind of story has been told ten times.

The Departed - The American version of one of my favorite Korean crime/gang films, Infernal Affairs. Everyone seems to think the American version is great, the story was translated well, but the portrayal of violence in Korean films was lost. The violence in this movie is standard fare and doesn't give you the tense, anxiety causing, fist-pounding scared and at times crying feeling that was present in Infernal Affairs.

Half Light - A thriller with a good background and mood pacing, but without the thrills. The scenery is pretty to look at, that's about all I can say.

Tristan and Isolde - I had no idea someone decided to turn the welsh/french myth into a movie until someone mentioned it to me. I'm somewhat at odds at how they can mangle the story so well, there's so many retold versions of the legend, this retelling drops too many of the important parts, and adds very little that is original. An alright movie to watch if you like medieval love & war dramas, and feel like you need a reason to cry. But it fails to really express what the legend is about -- a more toned down Arthurian type story with the expected Lancelot love triangle. The emotions all three main characters share, Tristan, Isolde, and King Mark isn't quite convincing, especially in King Mark's case.