another lost cause, but what a beautiful cause it was.

it hurts, to lose someone over a person they say they have disliked and not loved for years.

is it a competition? some days it really felt like it. some days it felt like a juggling act. appease the monster you live with, or appease the person you say you love?

i guess, you confused me far too much today. i called. i just wanted an answer, free and clear, without it being influenced by him.

i realize your situation nicole, i realize your life, i know it's hard, i know that i chose something very difficult when i started to care for you.

but, maybe i just can't do it anymore. when i want the truth, i need it, and i need it then, even if someone's breathing down your shoulder. give it to me in secret, tell it to me in words that only i will know. please tell me.

you filled me with wonderful feelings these months we've known each other, you've even kept me alive on those days where i wanted to say just fuck it, and i am always and forever grateful for the kindness and the heart of character you had.

i'm sorry that two hearts were broken today, but i can't keep thinking, maybe if you had told me the things i asked when i called today, we could of saved something.

maybe there is something left to save, but this broken person, has a lot of fixing to do, and if i make it through these nights; well i guess i'm holding the door open because i'm pathetic, sad, suicidal and needing of you.

i already closed the door on you, is how i feel, that feeling inside, that lets you know the truth from fiction; says that what i said was with finality. truth or fiction, you couldn't tell me what was the truth, so i went with both, and said what was not just in my upset head, but what was in my heart. if it hurts you, i'm sorry. someone has to come first, in these relationships, and if it isn't the person you love, then it isn't going to be me in this relationship.

i hope your offer to be a friend was real, and you accept that i was rash, angry, upset when i shoved it in your face with a fuck you; because i need a friend before my nights, become just nights, and there's no hand to give me pause, reason, or cause to wake up.

i'm half-way there, waiting until the night to hope some truth comes through, but if not, you know where i've gone.

thank you for those memories, remember the good ones i left you.