stupid, stupid, stupid

saw the doctor yesterday, nothing much changed there. dropped another med (trying to drop everything, one a month). continuing the patches, went on the next higher dose, need to restrict the diet a bit more now and be more careful. i had one crisis a week prior to seeing the doctor, and probably should of went to the hospital for it. i was, mehhh, to scared to ask for help. scared to ask for help, and i am asking for too much help these days. i kind of hoped the hypertensive crisis would end up badly, in a very painful way. it was a few days of non-stop make it go away, cry it hurts so bad headaches from the elevated blood pressure. the obsessive me made sure to document my blood pressure every few hours -- i was going to go to the ER if i hit 160/120, but i was pretty steady around 150+/120. yeah, stupid and lazy. lazy and stupid.

feeling a lot of self-hatred, emptiness, and some bits of hopelessness. i can't tell if this is getting over, or if this is the falling that i've been fighting. words to people that i can't speak, words to people that i shouldn't speak, and words that won't get out of my head. they are just words, in the end.

just words