treading water

birthdays suck all around. especially birthday's of people you thought you had forgotten, or at least buried deep enough in the past. yesterday i got an email from amazon reminding me that an old friend's birthday was coming up. nothing like a computer generated reminder make my mood come crashing down even more, when the birthday in question is jen's. i had one big ugh and that feeling that comes with unwanted memories, and then i deleted the message. i wish deleting things would do the same for my memory sometimes. the harder you try to forget about something, or to move on, or to do whatever you need to do to keep yourself alive, the harder it is to do just that. the harder i try the more reminders i see around me of all the things i never quite manage to resolve fully. i guess now i just cry and weep, go into my own little nest until the feelings of regret, loss, sadness have subsided enough that i can poke my head out a little. i'm still treading water, but at least i've moved past a few things. that has to be something?