Smile like you mean it

Save some face, you know you've only got one
Change your ways while you're young
Boy, one day you'll be a man
Oh girl, he'll help you understand
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

Looking back at sunsets on the Eastside
We lost track of the time
Dreams aren't what they used to be
Some things sat by so carelessly

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

And someone is calling my name
From the back of the restaurant
And someone is playing a game
In the house that I grew up in
And someone will drive her around
Down the same streets that I did
On the same streets that I did

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

Oh no, oh no no no
Oh no, oh no no no

Feeling small and curled in a ball.

I'm going through withdrawals (again). So I don't think I'll be posting much lately. It's difficult to focus on something for a long period of time and my mind is mostly focus on pills, depression, or how my body is feeling at that moment which usually isn't the best.

Oh well!

Meh.

I just woke up to a big empty 'Meh' feeling. It's dark and no one is home and it feels like crying. For no good reason.

Nothing really new has been happening, or it feels that way. I saw the doctor yesterday and had a medication tweak. I've been fairly nervous lately, but I have reasons this time around. So I'm not rushing to grab some pills even if it would settle my crowded head.

A box of fish was delivered today. I got them all put into the tank and hopefully they are all doing alright. They all were a lot smaller than described, but I'll see how things turn out. More plecos. More plecos. More plecos. I have another box coming in next week.

My grandmother is in the hospital again, still, whatever. She had gotten out for a few days before again getting sick. It makes me worry. Every little thing is making me worry.

This entry really was meh. I had to work just to write this much.

It's been a while.

It is now 4AM. I've woken up more times than I can count. Conversely I've also gone to sleep more times than I can count in these 2-3? days. It's like I'm sick. How is it? It's like I've caught a cold that's about, yeah, 3 years old. *cry*

I can now listen to movies I think without waking my Aunt up. Last night I think she had a bad night. I never really know. She's good at hiding her emotions. But she always has her glass of red wine every night, and this night she was on the phone for several hours, and her prescription bottle of what I assume is her Xanax was out on the table.

I have a horrible secret that some people know about, and some people don't know about, and some people think they know about. I'm not very good about it. I don't even know why I'm mentioning it with circles instead of lines. Well I haven't been very good with that secret lately and I think that's why I feel so sick.

I must be doing a little better now. Even though, night or day, I don't know if I should be awake or sleeping and if I am awake I'm not really sure what I should be doing. This tiny motivation to blog is a good thing though. I had lost that for about a week it seems.

I had met a new online friend, but things do not seem to be working out well in the land of friendship. That makes me want to cry. What's the deficit in me? That's what I always ask, but I always forget, it's not what is lacking - it's what wasn't there in the first place. Is there a word for that?

There are two new Bright Eyes singles that I should go listen to. I need to get around to that. I wonder if I can find the new albums online before they can. I bet I can. It's been so long since the wonder days of Napster. You know what makes me smile? Seeing someone younger than me wearing a Napster hoodie. I don't even care that he wasn't old enough to be around to use it, it's the fact that he's wearing this iconic representation - something that you learn about in college by not going to classes and mingling with the types of people that you won't ever probably meet or hang out with outside of college. What tangent am I going off on? Someone just IM'd me, someone new. Here's to this lack of thought.

I think I'm going to go make midnight, well 4AM, soup. Take lots of vitamin C and hope I am awake for longer than 1-2 hours without feeling like I want to die.

Please don't die.

Why?

So, I posted on someone's livejournal and made a comment. It was a nice comment, but I guess it was a little personal and a little scary. It's deleted now, as if it was never there. That just confuses me. Maybe they don't want anyone to know about this weird person named Allen.

Maybe no one wants to know this weird person named Allen. I feel like disappearing. I feel like sleeping and never waking up. You know I slept until 9PM yesterday, because of how I felt? My head hurt so much and I didn't even want to get out. There was no reason that I could think of.

I'm going to ask them why they deleted my comment, or if it even was on there in the first place. I was out of it last night. So maybe this is all a dream, a bad dream. Those are those worst kind, because with enough time I slowly incorporate them into my own memory and they are real to me and I can't tell if they are a dream are not. Do you know that's a sign of schizoprenia? One of the early signs? It is scary, but I do know at least one other person that does that too and she's not schizoprenic, so I feel slightly assured.

I'm crazy, but not that crazy -- yet.