Fixed, sort of, partly, well I'm online.

My computer is now fixed, but I don't think many people knew it wasn't working for a bit. Well around $800 in 'spare parts', (in reality I re-built the computer from ground up, because, well I have no good reason other than I like to make and break things).

So things are working tenatively, until I break something again.

The Indian represenative for making sure this isn't a pirated copy (it kind of is, it's installed on every computer in this house and every one I make for someone), didn't make a fuss and let me activate it just fine as I verbally shrugged a mumble. She was a nice lady, and yes Indian accents are thick when speaking Engish, I guess that stereotype is true, but I had no problem understanding her other than asking her to repeat a few things for clarification (like numbers, not whole words).

Knapsack

This is today, and it's the last day of my new life.

Just for you baby.

[10:34] Lent Somnolence: self-hatred, darling, hold my hand, and i'll jerk off with my other one and smile, for no one is an asshole like me

I'm sorry.

[10:25] Lent Somnolence: i can't find a fucking band that can consistently make me ache and do those tears that have me vocally moaning
[10:25] Lent Somnolence: where's the symphony, i have my instrument, the little drummer boy
[10:26] Lent Somnolence: i listen to all the bands on music.download.com, all the emo, all the indie. anything i think might be sad, but nothing has touched my heart right
[10:27] Lent Somnolence: a few brushes, gentle, like a bird's feather, a tickle that i'm not sure of. but where is that hard tug, that pulling, that really makes my heart feel empty, it's so clenched, between the vocals and the words, held tight, waiting for the chorus to give me a heart attack of tears


I want to die. I am suicidal again. I want to die from a heart attack of tears, it's how I'm feeling inside, so tight, and crying with no control. Please, heart, burst, and spill this red hurt everywhere. Stop poisoning me with tears, love.

I'm grey, talking to sunshine, but wanting navy.

[09:43] ***: well, from what you say, it all seems to be giving you at least a little improvement
[09:44] Lent Somnolence: it seems so. but i am crashing now
[09:44] Lent Somnolence: like i always do... today, and maybe 2 - 4 days. it's been steadily down
[09:44] Lent Somnolence: today cried twice and couldn't stop, that's when i know it's bad again
[09:45] ***: *hug* i'm sorry
[09:45] Lent Somnolence: its ok. i'm trying to just. i don't know. i'll wake up tomorrow and see what i do with myself
[09:46] Lent Somnolence: i'm sick of drugging and i don't do that much compared to how i used to
[09:46] Lent Somnolence: and it's sick to think of what i think is a little bit now
[09:47] Lent Somnolence: typical fucking day if it's good i won't take anything extra. but if i'm falling i'll be on 3 times as much adderall, and taking klonopin in huge doses, and in the evening drinking or snorting ambien every 30 minutes to keep me smiling
[09:47] Lent Somnolence: i call that little
[09:47] Lent Somnolence: cause it isn't fucking opiates anymore
[09:48] Lent Somnolence: and all i want is a dream to spend with you for a little while and abuse myself. i'm wrong, inside.