Somethings are not today.

I'm missing and it feels like tomorrow, but I think it's that talk with a person I wish I had seen today. I keep missing things, and I don't want to feel like I've lost those things I could of had, but I am scared of the pretty things that I make into somethings, when they really shouldn't be that for me, just something else, something still good, but not another one of my somethings. I miss something, and I think I know which way this will go, and I don't know if I'm being smart, but I'm being careful and that never hurts (more). So I'll see what this thing means to me, and if there really is another something that makes me cry at night alone, and shiver like the coldest winter draft on my spine; or if this is something that makes me smile when I wakeup, and let the dappled sunlight dress me as I rise from a shroud of white cotton, the touch of human hair draped against my side, and the curves of an understanding person. I don't know what I'm missing, and I hope next time it's tomorrow I won't miss it.

Followup.

I haven't been able to uncover much. I believe "Paul Probo" is a pseudonym for an actor, or unknown character at this time, as of now, they are posting on the Summer Glau pages in what appears to be an official capacity. Probo, when accented and translated from spanish, means "proves", leading us to Paul Proves. I cannot think of any series tie-ins with a character named Paul, but I am going to re-watch as much of the series as I can tonight.

The pseudonym, "John Dowses", is an anagram for "Joss Whedon", who of course was the creator of Firefly and director of Serenity. What does this mean? Who knows at this point, but it's becoming more and more intriguing.

Updates as they come.

Session 416.

I love a bit of intrigue and mystery.

On iFilm, a clip called "Session 416" has appeared, iFilm claims that it first appeared on an unspecified filesharing network. It appears to be an interview session with the incarcerated/captive River Tam from the Firefly TV Series and the upcoming movie Serenity. In various Firefly related message boards (starting around Aug. 23rd) a "John Dowses" began posting that there was an earlier clip to be found, posting filenames that it could be found on the Limewire P2P network. This clip was eventually found and is called Session 1.

On the official Summer Glua fan-page (the actress who plays River Tam, the young woman in these clips), a "Paul Probo" is given in the message boards as a possible leak to these short clips; he is also being discussed on the official Serenity message boards as a possible further source of viral information.

Right now, there is only a few hits for "Paul Probo", and "John Dowses" is as far as I can tell a throwaway name. I will continue updating as I investigate -- I think there will be a continuation of this mystery and "Paul Probo" is the the next clue.

Lets compost.

My plans for Sept., aren't working out. I didn't expect that they would, but it's still a bit saddening. Who knows when I'll see them again, if ever? Oh well. I am trying to decide where to go now, and who in the world would want to see me and spend some time with me. I want to visit N.D., but with her SIL there, that wouldn't work too well I think. So... I'm hoping she leaves sometime soon and I'll just pop on over, hop a plane and be there for as long as I'm tolerable and hope I don't screw anything up while I'm there.

I feel like I'm messing up the things I have. Maybe people upset at me, or learning that they are. Not doing the right things for other people. People upset at me for calling, people upset at me for not calling. Why is there no answer to any of this, can't everyone just respond the same? I'm giving everyone the same kind of responses that I always give, it doesn't feel like a fair game, but then I'm playing with just myself and a handful of other people on the other side, so it's not a fair game. I just wish one person would let me rest my head in their lap, and let me fall asleep. Someone I trust, so I know I can fall asleep safe, someone I care about so I want to lay in their lap exposed and knowing that I'll be okay no matter what happens.

I want the person who tells me that everything will be okay. I have never had that person. Where is mine, who is mine, and where are they. I'm getting a little jealous now. Waking up every morning and deciding if it's plan A, live, or Plan B rot and hope by decaying vegatative process I'll die. That'd be nice, just let me turn into manure, because all I am feeling is shit, so that's all I must be.

Sorry for being shit.

Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hai

I wish there was more resources in the states to access current and classical Bollywood films. I'm really loving the sound of mixed Urdu and Hindi, and trying to learn it all emeshed is such a great challenge. You don't need to understand any of it to get any of the films, the plot is pretty much the same, except with different characters. It's always a love story, and there always break-out musical scenes, the more the better. I'm kind of hiding myself in other cultures a lot lately, avoiding people online and not even bothering to sign on to they can see me. I feel so shy and it makes my being alone worse, oh well, a bit of fantasy from here and there helps the reality go away.

A bit of translated poetry, it's beyond me to say if it's all Urdu or if it has a bit of Hindi in it, but it's beautiful to listen to.

kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hai,
zindagi meri khushion se umad sakati thi;
mein bhi mausam ki bahaaron mein thirak sakata tha,
mere aagosh mein mashook lipat sakati thi.

sometimes a thought comes and lingers,
my life with pleasure could I fill;
I, too, could have danced in the spring,
My beloved could entice me still.

kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hai,
mein bhi armaan bhare nagame sunaa sakata tha;
meri khwaahish, mere armaan adhoore na rahein,
isi armaan mein har daon lagaa sakata tha.

sometimes a thought comes and lingers,
I too could have sung lovely tunes;
I too could have pursued desires,
I, too, could have gathered fortunes.

kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hai,
mere din raat bhi pur chain guzar sakate the;
mein bhi auron ki tarah jaam utha sakata tha,
mere bhi paaon un galiyon mein pahunch sakate the.

sometimes a thought comes and lingers,
My days could have been pleasant, light;
I, too, could have sipped lovely wine,
I too could have had cozy nights.

tabhi awaaz ye be-khauf kisi kone se,
mujhe duniyaa se khayaalon ki bulaa laati hai;
chalna hai aur abhi, aur abhi, aur abhi,
waqt-e-araam bahut door, jataa jaati hai.

And, then, a voice does beckon me,
brings me back from world of thought;
Miles and miles you have to walk,
It reminds me, rest you not.

tujh ko rukane ki, thaharne ki zaroorat kyaa hai,
teri manzil, teri rahein to abhi baaki hain;
khatm hona hi hai ek din to jeevan ka safar,
chal abhi aur,Khalish, saansein to abhi baaki hain.

You have not to stop or pause,
Your goal is far away;
Till then waste not you one breath
Journey this will end one day.