Lets compost.

My plans for Sept., aren't working out. I didn't expect that they would, but it's still a bit saddening. Who knows when I'll see them again, if ever? Oh well. I am trying to decide where to go now, and who in the world would want to see me and spend some time with me. I want to visit N.D., but with her SIL there, that wouldn't work too well I think. So... I'm hoping she leaves sometime soon and I'll just pop on over, hop a plane and be there for as long as I'm tolerable and hope I don't screw anything up while I'm there.

I feel like I'm messing up the things I have. Maybe people upset at me, or learning that they are. Not doing the right things for other people. People upset at me for calling, people upset at me for not calling. Why is there no answer to any of this, can't everyone just respond the same? I'm giving everyone the same kind of responses that I always give, it doesn't feel like a fair game, but then I'm playing with just myself and a handful of other people on the other side, so it's not a fair game. I just wish one person would let me rest my head in their lap, and let me fall asleep. Someone I trust, so I know I can fall asleep safe, someone I care about so I want to lay in their lap exposed and knowing that I'll be okay no matter what happens.

I want the person who tells me that everything will be okay. I have never had that person. Where is mine, who is mine, and where are they. I'm getting a little jealous now. Waking up every morning and deciding if it's plan A, live, or Plan B rot and hope by decaying vegatative process I'll die. That'd be nice, just let me turn into manure, because all I am feeling is shit, so that's all I must be.

Sorry for being shit.