I got drunk today for some stupid reason. I just wanted to feel good and be able to forget all the things that are haunting me for a little while. It wasn't that great. I felt alright for maybe an hour and then I felt tired so I layed down and slept for a little. By the time I woke up I had a headache and my stomach felt horrible, needless to say I ended up puking several times. Not a very fun experience. I don't think I'm going to try getting drunk again. I don't know what my problem was, I only had 2 beers, it shouldn't of even made me as drunk as I was, and it certainly shouldn't of made me that sick. I guess I haven't drank any alcohol in a while might be the reason.
I really miss the past. I know it's almost all that I talk about. Now I'm listening to Ani DiFranco, which reminds me of no less than three people I have loved. Rho, or Rhonda, the first real girlfriend I ever had. I met her online and we got together once and had a very good time, even if I was very frightened and didn't say a whole lot. The next person was Jennifer, who I also met online, and I was together for 4 years. It hurts a lot to think about not being with her. The last person is Diana, someone in MA that I was infatuated with and kind of led me on, but I never really had any kind of relationship with other than being a casual drug buddy. The most physical it got was hugging and a little touching and massaging when she was messed up out of her mind, I doubt she even remembers.
I want to cry and cry, but all that happens are small occassional tears falling from my face. I want to hurt, for all the hurt that I caused, and all the hurt that has happened to me. I want to experience it all again. I want to feel something.
Why can't I cry? Why am I so numb?