I feel pretty much better physically now. There is still some muscle soreness and I get small headaches during the evening (why always during the night?), but it's getting slightly better each day. I need to start working, I have so much debt. I was crazy or something during that week or so that I was really doing a lot of drugs, I bought so much stuff with my credit card online. I have no idea what I was thinking, or rather wasn't thinking. I have no way to pay it all off and I'm going to have to get help from my father, who will just say get a job, and it's going to suck a lot because he doesn't understand at all about any of my problems, which is kind of one the reasons why I'm in this mess. There are other bigger reasons, but that is one of them. The biggest reason I am so depressed and wanted to die (and was almost successful) is that I'm so lonely. Companionship and a girlfriend or boyfriend would be nice, but I know that's an unrealistic goal for me as it's hard for me to even get any friends. I'm depressed because I don't have any friends and I'm unable to make any no matter how hard I seem to try. No one finds me interesting, or I don't find them interesting. I wish I had never screwed things up in MA and hurt so many people. I hate myself for doing that and hurting people I cared about and forever making them not want to communicate with me. I never knew what a good thing I had until now. I still wish I was dead, but I never want to see the inside of a hospital again and have to stay there for an extended period of time and be asked a million questions by Dr.'s, and the stupid questions asked by psychiatrists trying to find out if I'm crazy and if I needed to be put in the psych ward. I'm honestly surprised they didn't put me in there. I'm an obvious drug addict (or was - if I don't do drugs for 6 months, then I think I've gotten over it), and I'm obviously very depressed. I guess I wasn't enough of a threat to myself, and I'm not a danger to other people. I still have to see a psychologist and then a pscyiatrist for medication, and will probably have to keep seeing the psychologist until they're convinced I'm better and don't need their "help". I realize it's their job to listen to me, but I don't want to share my problems with a stranger, even if I don't have anyone else to share them with. Sharing it with a stranger is just as good as not sharing it, to me at least.
I started emailing a 39 year old woman in Longmont, but she kind of frightens me, being one of those "vampyres", but I can use whatever I can get. She's not stupid, which is a plus, and she seems genuine even if she's a bit odd. I need to find more people in Longmont to write to and eventually I hope I can make one of them my friend, a close friend.
I decided I will start college this spring (January). I will probably go to Front Range, just because the pitifully small campus is right in Longmont now, even though they have very few classes, but I really need to finish this stupid 2-year degree. And after that I think I will go to Metro State if I'm still living here. I don't want to live here, but I don't have much choice. I'm not good at supporting myself. Keeping a job is really hard for me, and staying in school is very difficult, but it's something I can manage if I put my mind to it.

*sigh*
I need a friend.