Everytime I think of you I die a little more

I started taking Ultram again. This is my third day. Each day I've taken one more, starting with 50mg the first day. That makes today 150mg. Not that much, but more than I want to take - none.
Jen won't email me even though I asked her to not forget me and write to me if she wasn't online for a while. It must be two weeks since I've talked to her. I hate having feelings towards her. All it does is break me.
I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like crying every moment. I feel like dying, but I don't have it in me to care. All I care about is the past. I live in the past with my eyes towards a future that won't be. The present rots away and I don't care. I want someone to hold me, someone to care. I want all the things that were. I don't want anything new. I'm too tired to try.