Schoedinger's Girl

i'm writing because i have some important things to say to you that i want to make explicitly clear. i am finished with our friendship; i'm sorry, but it comes in exchange for those things in my life which i value far above any others--my husband and my children. i love them allen, and our friendship is hurting them in so many ways and on so many levels. i have hurt the only person that has ever given a damn and cared for me so deeply that i can't stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore--that is how ashamed i am of myself for my behavior with and towards you. i'm also sorry to you for all of my lies and deceit--you were undeserving of it. people are not games to be played; lives are not to be orchestrated. i would explain more fully, but really, it's futile--i think this does suffice. you will feel betrayed, i will be your villain, but i am not concerned with that. i am concerned that my husband and my children are ultimately the ones who will suffer in all of this. you see, i can't and won't choose a complete stranger over the love i feel for them any longer--not even to fill lapses and voids in times in friendly conversation, or in bigger, grand gestures of false hopes of grand plans of travel and adventure that never would have occured because i would have never allowed it to go that far. that is why i never gave you a phone number, or pictures, or any of things you wanted. you filled up space. thank you and i'm sorry. what a bitch. the ultimate irony is that i will be all alone now--i've done the unforgiveable and i've been discovered but i must confess to you as well to make things straight. i want no part in any of this anymore. i wish you no ill will and hope you can find it in yourself, not to forgive, but just to let go and forget. do not contact me. please do not try and find me. i do not want to be found. i may be unforgiven by my one true love, but i will never betray his trust with you again even if it is futile and he never gives me the chance to show him that i can change and be loyal to him.

the slow slide downward

happiness is adderall jabbed in my thigh, a brief twinge and metallic feeling stuck inside you until a beautiful smile appears on my face. the happiness is intense, but the coming down is twice as worse as your brain and body slows. fatigue, depression and desperation, and the ability to feel absolutely nothing set in. coming down, i learned ultram holds the sadness at bay, as i plot and scheme to medicate myself back to a rushed and brief happiness. i feel like i live a stop-gap motion movie, film, freeze frame, and film again; until this body can't take take it anymore, and that thought of endings is sadly reassuring.

thoughts i gave away, written before i lose them. again.

"I'm alive. it's a plus. to all the negatives. i abuse drugs, because it's just another way of abusing myself. i don't have anyone who cares for me or loves me that would abuse me, so I'd stay physically healthy. i don't feel right, if things are alright. it's a co dependent's way of living without a dependent, heh. i know what I'm doing everyday even if i don't acknowledge it. i get people to desperately need me, and then i usually leave with no reason, feel awful, abuse drugs, and find someone else, i seem pretty good at that. what I'm not good at is when someone does that to me. it still bugs me."

"stuck holding my breath unable to say what i need, stuck attempting half-accomplished tasks that i cannot finish, stuck with emotional hurt but no tears, stuck longing for friendship when no one would share warmth, stuck being incomplete when i can't resolve this past, stuck on me because I'm stuck on you"

Yay! We can Pee!

[07:57] Lent Somnolence: introducing Flomax, the worlds first drug targeted to increase urinary output! feel confident again when in a public stall, don't feel unnecessary social pressure just because you used to dribble and would avoid public bathrooms. With Flomax once daily, you can urinate just like you did 30 years ago

[07:58] Lent Somnolence: Remember the good times when you and the boys out back made yellow snow? Do you miss those times? Well, good news is here! Introducing Flomax, the yellow snow maker!

[07:59] Lent Somnolence: Don't live in fear of urinating in public anymore and facing public humiliation when they see you dribble, be bold, be brave, and urinate, like the man you are.

[08:02] Lent Somnolence: Has your lady relation complained about unpleasant taste during oral sex? Or excessive ejaculation? Well, here's Flomax, the solution to both of your problems! Enjoy comfortable blow jobs, with less ejaculatory output, and please your spouse at the same time!

[08:09] Lent Somnolence: as everyone knows, the output of ejaculatory fluid is a time-honored tradition passed on from priest to choirboy, and in sweaty locker rooms after a wrestling game, is a long-standing and well understood method of determining alpha male status.

[08:06] Lent Somnolence: this drug seeks to undermine the male authority and dominance structure that has existed for centuries, that god himself put in place for Christians, it is an abomination for a drug company to think that they can interfere with the natural processes that god so bestowed on us. let us say no, let us demand, and let us pray that this drug called Flomax will be exposed as the heresy it truly is

More of the same

[20:24] Lent Somnolence: you mean it's like that feeling where you aren't sure if you are having a heart attack or if you're having a nervous breakdown, or if the white noise in your ears and the slow motion in your eyes and the feeling in your heart means you're still heartbroken

No longer fine

no words inside my head. so here are borrowed ones. goodbye, farewell, drama and all, toss in a few blahs and half-assed tries, nights of crying, mornings of anxious waiting, obsessive dreams. people make me feel alive when i'm around them, right now i'm not alive.

It's about time that I came clean with you...no longer fine. I'm no longer running smooth. I thought I found myself onto something new, just one more line I repeat over and over again 'til I'm blue in the face with choking regret.
It's about time you got sick of me, no longer fun and so far from interesting. I thought that I found me a cure for feeling old, just one more line to keep me sleeping loudly and cold in disgrace with a shameful regret.
Can't say I blamed you one bit when you kept it all inside when you left that night. Somehow we lost our heads for the last time and all that followed fell like mercury to hell.

Some movies I've seen this month

Babel - Pretty good film with converging stories and a multicultural cast for a change. I didn't know what the film was about so it was a nice surprise to watch it all unfold.

Candy - Another heroin love drama rehash. It doesn't really add much to the stories other movies about the topic have other than having a less tragic ending than most. It follows two Aussie bohemians. One, a hopeless guy and the other an innocent (at first) aspiring artist falling madly in love and what follows as their addiction worsens and worsens. I liked the movie quite a bit, regardless, if the same kind of story has been told ten times.

The Departed - The American version of one of my favorite Korean crime/gang films, Infernal Affairs. Everyone seems to think the American version is great, the story was translated well, but the portrayal of violence in Korean films was lost. The violence in this movie is standard fare and doesn't give you the tense, anxiety causing, fist-pounding scared and at times crying feeling that was present in Infernal Affairs.

Half Light - A thriller with a good background and mood pacing, but without the thrills. The scenery is pretty to look at, that's about all I can say.

Tristan and Isolde - I had no idea someone decided to turn the welsh/french myth into a movie until someone mentioned it to me. I'm somewhat at odds at how they can mangle the story so well, there's so many retold versions of the legend, this retelling drops too many of the important parts, and adds very little that is original. An alright movie to watch if you like medieval love & war dramas, and feel like you need a reason to cry. But it fails to really express what the legend is about -- a more toned down Arthurian type story with the expected Lancelot love triangle. The emotions all three main characters share, Tristan, Isolde, and King Mark isn't quite convincing, especially in King Mark's case.

Missing person report

Franny where are you?

God isn't so bad sometimes

[00:26] Lent Somnolence: i only went to church a few sundays or so in elementary
[00:27] Lent Somnolence: in high school i went to i think 2 or 3 sunday services, when i was baptist.. but i went to a lot of wednesday youth group, and most of the summer camps and ski trips
[00:27] Lent Somnolence: i did the fun church things
[00:27] Lent Somnolence: like watergun and water ballon fights
[00:27] Lent Somnolence: and banna split eating contests
[00:27] Lent Somnolence: and skiing trips were good too
[00:27] Lent Somnolence: baptists rock
[00:28] Lent Somnolence: too bad i've never been baptised. sh
[00:28] Lent Somnolence: shhh
[00:28] Lent Somnolence: i've rocked out to christian music and danced
[00:28] Lent Somnolence: lol

Trying isn't it

when you try, you become something else, trying is being their dream, it is false for yourself and false for them; we never think of it, that love and friendship comes without trying, but only lasting dreams come with only feelings

My wolf

coming to terms with our weaknesses and secrets and admitting that we have them and they are our wolves in sheep's clothing is the only way to truly give yourself to someone, if that person can accept this wolf in sheep's clothing and if you can accept that wolf that other person has

Silly stuff

Drunk dialing.

Drunk blogging.

There's no entry for drunk emailing yet, not so much as I do it while drunk, but far too often while inebriated. There's also me inebriated and chatting with people I shouldn't be.

Scripted drama

Lent Somnolence: our lives are scripted from the days we are born, it's how we choose to act them out that makes us different. whether we are the star of the party, or whether we are the failure in the corner
Lent Somnolence: we're given our script, cut, drawn, and plain. well read and unpracticed, however, and we go through each day either bold in our actions or fumbling in our lines. that's how we live. scripted, bad or good.
***: but i think really, if i would just give a wild percentage, maybe 25% or fewer, definitely fewer are intellectual feelers"
***: that's analyizing it too much allen
Lent Somnolence: no, it's romanticizing it
Lent Somnolence: not analyzing it
***: yes
***: it is
***: you're right
Lent Somnolence: being me isn't analytic, i'm cold and rational and heartless, but i'm romantic in expression, even if it's as cold as dry ice
***: the poets, the lyricists, the playwrights, the screenwriters
***: they are the minority
***: you can relate to them, because you are like them
Lent Somnolence: no. i can relate because i can feel without regret
***: you "hear" them, and have that one sided discussion with them
Lent Somnolence: people regret, even i regret, but regret for me comes later. feeling comes first
***: and feel that source of introspection and rash of feeling because it's already *in* you

[...]

Lent Somnolence: i'm making every statement into a pithy quote. sorry.
***: last night, do you know what i thought
***: i wished that i could live in a song
Lent Somnolence: that i should write love drama's full of suicide?

modern insight

Lent Somnolence: you know this rash of insight i have lately? the source of my introspection and feelings? television drama. the modernization of talking to your best buddy about how you feel.
Lent Somnolence: except now, you just listen, and they talk. and you get to think. not talk about. not discuss. not argue. just face your feelings.

Cut, suture, close

Lent Somnolence: (paraphrased) Emotions are messy, tuck them neatly away and step into a clean sterile room where the procedure is simple. Cut, suture, and close. But sometimes you're faced with a cut that won't close. A cut that rips its stitches wide open. They say practice makes perfect. Cut, suture, and close. And the harder it begins to turn it off, to stop thinking and remember what it means to be a human being.
Lent Somnolence: that's what you are doing to yourself you know. by admitting defeat
Lent Somnolence: cut, suture, close
Lent Somnolence: one day those stitches will rip right out again
Lent Somnolence: hearts aren't meant to stay healed

the things that hold two people together

Lent Somnolence: i knew a lady named star, who wore sparkly glasses and spangly bracelets, and was a bit odd.
Lent Somnolence: she murdered someone with a heart that i knew
Lent Somnolence: backed over him with the family van in the driveway
Lent Somnolence: drove over his body twice
Lent Somnolence: went into the kitchen and called the police and waited
Lent Somnolence: calmly
Lent Somnolence: her name was star
Lent Somnolence: was star
Lent Somnolence: his name was *******
Lent Somnolence: that's all i know about murder. it happens when it isn't expected over the smallest things. they had an argument in the kitchen. a mild one as fights go.
Lent Somnolence: then you are dead.
Lent Somnolence: he was **** uncle
Lent Somnolence: i told *** to sit at her sentencing and watch her eyes
Lent Somnolence: so she did, for herself, and for me
Lent Somnolence: this was when we were apart, i was in colorado
Lent Somnolence: but sometimes ties like that aren't broken, common threads between people that make us human through all the hate we can harbor for those we love

passionate mistakes

Lent Somnolence: there's a thing some people have called strength, some people call it being emotionally void, some people call it inner will, but i just call it something i don't have. some people call that being passionate about life
Lent Somnolence: i just call it making mistakes

If it works...

Lent Somnolence: i'm only doing things to try to forget why i'm depressed and upset in the first place. denial, avoidance, and all that, to get past. meh. but, it works for millions of people everyday. ask anyone on the street. they'll deny it and you'll have confirmation :p

Left the lights on

I blacked out last night. First time in a while that it has happened to me. I didn't take that much stuff, compared to what I used to do on a nightly basis. I have 6 or so unaccounted hours for that are a complete blank. I never did like blacking out, but I always woke up feeling kind of good and kind of dreadful, but chances were I did something amusing and unusual and at some point in the future someone would tell me what crazy things I said or did. I have a feeling I did something crazy. Woke up this morning and, felt like, wow, I lost a few hours of my life! Cool, what better way to spend one of your worst depressive episodes of your life with fuzzy memory and gaping holes in what happened.

On a related note, this is one whole week of being on no Emsam, no antidepressant at all. The lowering of Lamictal didn't seem to effect anything, so I might go lower on it again in a couple months. Two more weeks until I get to start being on an antidepressant and I can hope to feel a little bit better, instead of waking up and wishing I hadn't.

Pollywogs and shellbacks

There's a old ritual, repeated in different forms that dates back to Sumerian rituals. It's mostly known now as a kind of military tradition in the air force and navy, practiced in different ways. Crossing the line means a lot of things. Some of the way it is done now is an acceptance ritual, and for some, it's more of a religious promise. For example, drawing a line of salt between two groups of common people having to go seperate ways, but having each group step over the line and rub out the line of salt with their feet means that they will see each other again, no matter the difficulty that arises. In old seafaring rituals, uninitiated sailors were called pollywogs, or greenbacks sometimes, the experienced who have made a voyage across the equator or some other significant landmark usually call themselves shellbacks. There isn't so much salt used, except the salt in this case is sometimes used as a variation of splashing of salt water on the pollywog during initiation; it's almost a kind of hazing ritual depending on the time and captain and ship.