I had a really wonderful and fun night staying up talking to a friend. It's one of the best nights I've had in a long time. Yesterday night was one of those nights too.

You'd think I'd be feeling great right now, but I don't. I feel awful, my depression came over me really bad in the past hour. I don't know why either. I felt bad this morning too, but it eventually lessened. Now it's back and worse. I had to fight myself to not go and take anything - I feel that awful. I want to stop feeling this way. I feel hopeless right now. There's nothing very wrong going on in my life - so isn't this stupid? I'm impatient and pulled out a leftover bottle of Desipramine (an antidepressant I've been on before) and took one tonight. I've taken it before twice with Paxil the first time and Lexapro the second. It usually takes effect in two or three days and makes me feel a little better, so that's why I took it tonight. Not like it will help me right now, but maybe when I wake up I'll be doing a little better and I'll continue to take it until I see the Dr.

I just want to cry or cut or anything. Maybe that's my problem, I feel like doing one of these things but I can't seem to cry and I can't seem to work up the effort to cut. It's always easier for me to get drugged when I'm like this, as I don't have to decide, I just let the euphoria happen to me and let it wash away my worries and doubts and all the blackness in my mind.

I just want to be held. I don't know what it's like anymore to feel cared about or loved or important. People tell me they feel things like this towards me, but I don't know what it means. I want to feel warm and safe. I don't know when the last time was that I felt that way. It's been years since someone has simply head me and told me everything was going to be okay.

*Cry* I really want to get fucked up. It's been two weeks and I can't believe this is happening. I think I can hold off until the morning. I feel so weak for even thinking about it.