(Wow - I'm dumb tonight. I first posted this on the completely wrong blog, that I haven't written to in a whole year.)

Things have been... getting better slowly I suppose. This time around I feel like I have more support and it helps tremendously. The prior times I've quit, I really didn't have anyone to help me through the tough times. It was just my own self will, and that isn't an impressive thing.

I still feel very lonely every waking minute. When I'm on the phone talking to Jen or when I'm online chatting with someone it alleviates the feeling, but it's always lurking there for when I'm by myself. I don't know how to make it past those points. I usually crawl under my blankets and cry and hold myself, or if it's really bad and I know I'm going to cry loud I step into the shower with the lights off and sit on the floor and let the tears fall.

The hardest part is trying not to be a bother to people. I know Jen is there if I need her, she told me that and reassured me about it. But still. I feel awful calling everyday, or what's worse 2 or 3 times a day just to have a voice to listen to. That's how much I need contact and a sign of how isolated I am. She says I'm not a bother, but I know that I can be. So I've restricted myself from calling everyday. I don't want to keep inserting myself into her life, when I'm the past, and she's trying to live her future.

Sigh.
I wish I could find my future. I have dreams of a future, but they all involve her. I guess they aren't dreams anymore, after asking dreadfully stupid questions on my part and crushing any spark of hope I kept alive, even if I knew that it was mostly false. Those lies I kept for myself made me get up in the morning.

I don't know what gets me up in the morning now. I don't know what my reasons are for anything.