Flow my tears

Flow my tears, fall from your springs!
Exiled forever let me mourn;
Where night's black bird her sad infamy sings,
There let me live forlorn.
Phillip K. Dick

It's been a week or two since she passed away. I'm still in grief. I'm still in shock. I'm still numbed with the valium I take "every 6 hours for sedation". It'll pass I guess. It's passing slowly. I can sleep now. With all these colored pills to sedate me, there's green, yellow, and white. A good selection of colors to bring on dreams that hopefully don't involve the tears falling.

I cut my hair today. I wanted to cut a piece of myself out, but I didn't have a clean razor blade. So I cut my hair instead. It's short. I think I did a good job actually. I think. It probably looks stupid and people are going to tell me so. The last time I cut my own hair I remember my dad laughing at me and then a few hours later taking as many pills as I could swallow while I was crying and not choke at the same time. Then I woke up in the hospital.

I'm not doing very good. I've slept most of today. I've slept most of yesterday. I want to sleep everything away. I don't want my memory, and I don't want new memory. I want to trade it in for something that isn't tainted. I want to start fresh and make the same mistakes over again and feel new and innocent and clean, at least for a while, until I screw up too much and reach that point where you fall over the cliff of depression and can't climb back. I've fallen past that point so long ago, that I don't remember what's on the other side. Whatever is up there in the real world. Where there are trees, the sun, and people with emotions that don't involve crying every moment. All I'm left with is darkness and the ghosts of other people who are stuck here with me. We don't want to talk to each other. We all hate the world and we all hate each other and we all wish we could die. It's the living hell and I'm tired of waking up each day facing the same blank faces behind those closed eyes of mine. I'm tired of remembering all the same memories that make me cry. I'm tired of remember all the people that make me cry. I'm tired, but I'm too tired to sleep.

Can't someone wake me up? Even if it's just for a day? Give me something to remember. Give me a reason not to cry.