From the edge of the deep green sea.

My grandmother passed away hours ago. I wasn't at the hospital, because I thought she would make it through it. It has been months that she has been in and out of the hospital to rehab and then to assisted living. I saw her last week. She could walk with help and she could talk, and she was coherant. How does this happen to people. She aws my friend growing up and teaching me many interesting things, especially related to science and it sparked my itnerested in all things related to science. She was kind and never had a harsh word against someone. She had her faults, like why are you wearing that, but that's normal elderly responses, but she was a good person. I wish I had at least one conversation with her before she died. I never had a single conversation with her in my life, nothing that meant anything. She caread about me and spoiled me rotten. And I can't even be there when she dies. I didn't know she would die. But the guilt is there. The hurt is there. It emptiness and loss is there. The person who was alive isn't there anymore. And I cry. I cry for all the what ifs, what if, things where different. What if I wasn't a messed up person and could communicate. What if I had relationship with her. What if she offered me advice with my problems. What if I could of gone to her with my problems. What if. What if. What if. Now it's all gone. The only thing left inside me is hurt and the feeling of numbness, and the endless tears that won't go away. I miss her. I never knew her, but I miss her. She was kind and she accepted me for the most part for how I was. No matter how strange I was. That is something you can't say about many other people. Acceptance. That is what she was, and that is what she gave me. And what I did give back. I was too fucking shy to even hug her often, much less give her a kiss. And come conversation, well there was none of it. I'm going to donate the money that comes from her trust frunt and and invest it all in elderly charity, and try to do community service, just to give those people friends. I know how much they need them. And I know how much I need someone with wisdom to help me guide me on my way.

It's not the loss, it's the loss of what could of been and that is entirely my fault for how I am and how I was raised. I don't make relationships, I don't make friendships, I don't do anything. Life passes me by and I'm a spectator. Yet, she was still kind-hearted to me, no matter what I did.

People deserve goodness in the world and the money I have now I am donating to the charities that I feel will use it best. And I will volunteer to help out those that are lonely and depressed and hopefully bring a smile to their day. It's the only thing I can do. It's late, and I know it's just trying to alleviate the guilt that I feel now for not doing this with my grandmother. Drastic changes mean drastic changes in my own life. My life means nothing, and the life of others means everything. If I can make anyone, just anyone, smile, for a minute, then my day is complete. I don't care about myself anymore. It's selfish to think about what I care about and want, it's selfish to go about like that. The world is meant for people to help each other and that's all I want to do now. Help someone. Anyone. If I can. I need to help someone. And if I'm lucky, maybe someone will help me, but I don't deserve it. I just want to see that smile on someone's face and know that I did something right.

I want to do something right. I'm 25 now, and my life has been all wrong turns, and it's time I look at the map and start heading where I am going. It's scary, but I can do it. There is nothing left for me here. No friends. No cares. No wants. No desires. The only thing that matters is making other people happy. I thought for once that I had someone that I could make happy, but I couldn't, but I will try again. Someone out there needs a friend and companionship, and I am open and willing and giving. They can have all of me, completely, in trust, if it makes them happy. I just want one person in this world truely happy.

Please be happy someone. I know I am not. Take me and use me. That's what I want. All I ask is that you appreciate me, and smile at me so I know that I'm helping. I'm yours, I'm anyone's if you need me. I am devoted like the puppy that won't leave you alone. I'm all yours -- if you need me. Anyone.

i whish i could just stop
i know another moment will break my heart
too many tears
too many times
too many years i've cried for you
it's always the same
wake up in the rain
head in pain
hung in shame
a different name
same old game
love in vain
and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
away from home again...