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I had a little incident last week. Had an argument with my father. I have been very depressed and suicidal lately. I keep trying to get help to see a psychiatrist, but nothing would happen. I would ask, and all he would do would just say some bullshit. It made me feel worse and worse, knowing that I can't get help and that he doesn't care. I ended up cutting my legs up bad that night and then tried to talk to him again. He was an even bigger asshole not helping or caring. I got frustrated and went into my room and just broke down, not in a crying or helpless way, but in a violent exploding way and I punched through the wall 3 times in quick succession before I finally calmed down and started being more sane. Anyway they called the police, because of that, and because I was suicidal and they may of seen blood on my feet from the cutting I had done recently.
I talked to the police for a while and then asked to be taken to the hospital to be watched, because I was still feeling the same. They fixed me right up, did some stitches my legs and were very friendly. I really like the Longmont United ER, it's much nicer than the Boulder Community Hospital ER.
I went home from the hospital after a few hours, after my hands and legs were fixed up and I had talked to a psychiatrist for a while.
Later that week I went to see my doctor, even though I hadn't seen him in months. He isn't a psychiatrist, but it was the best I could do. I've been on a very new antidepressant, Cymbalta, for almost 3 weeks now. It works wonders - or it seems to. I hope it doesn't stop working like all the other things I have been on. He also gave me refills on Klonopin. I got the Klonopin dosage upped this week, so I'm on 3mg a day. It helps a lot with generalized anxiety. I also have Xanax for as needed, but we plan (well I plan) on switching it to Ativan and even maybe a lower dose. I'm also trying out something to help with my lack of daytime energy and impulsive behavior, treating possible adult ADHD, so I'm on a trial of Strattera. It will take one week to one month to find out if it is doing anything. It's basically similar to a selective noreprineprine reuptake inhibitor, but I believe it works slightly different on the pre-synaptic level than traditional SNRI's.
I still feel very sad at night sometimes. I try to call Jen, but she is almost always sleeping and if I get ahold of her I end up talking about things in the past and that makes me feel awful. So then I end up taking something to calm myself down. I really, really, want to get fucked up and just lose these memories. Redact them all if it were only a possibility.